Screens and Teens (15 page)

The culture at large may not have any consensus on what's right and wrong, but your family culture can provide that crucial moral compass for your teens.

1. We can help teens see how God's authority is designed to protect them
. God's boundaries come out of His love for us. Right and wrong are established to protect us from consequences that will hurt us. For instance, “Do not steal” protects us from losing the trust of others, and “Do not have sex before marriage” protects us from sexually transmitted diseases and being physically bonded to someone other than our spouse for life. In general, we need to see and present authority as a blessing to our teens. Specifically, we need to present the Word of God as the most trustworthy standard. It is reliable, consistent, and complete. We have freedom because He gives us free will, but that's also a reason He provides boundaries. Because God is merciful and full of grace, we can follow and fulfill His best for us with trust and without fear. This gets easier as we know and love Him more.

2. We can encourage teens to learn to hear God's voice
. God speaks to us through the Holy Spirit, through the Bible, and through other believers. As we learn to hear God more clearly, we can share how we're learning to recognize His voice and what He is teaching us.

3. We can fully embrace a relationship with Jesus Christ ourselves
. The more that God is in the driver's seat of our lives, the more influence we can have in encouraging our teens to let God lead theirs. Don't be discouraged if your teens initially reject a relationship with God. Continue loving them well and showing them in action what it looks like to trust God.

One of the greatest reasons to pay attention to how this “authority lie” affects our teens is that God may be the ultimate authority they reject. Because this is a matter of eternity, we must pay attention—really listen and watch—and speak up early if we're concerned. Nowhere is being aware of lies more important than when considering what our teens believe about God.

My prayer is that you believe as I do, that God is good (Mark 10:18) and God is love (1 John 4:8). We're grateful for His personal love, which motivates both our faith and our responses to His authority. We want—maybe desperately—for young people to know Him as we do.

However, our young generation's perspective about authority isn't healthy. That's one reason they are often less interested in God and the church. They see both as authority, yet there is so much more to God and His church!

Almost on a daily basis, you and I can read a new blog, email newsletter, or news report about the reality that many teens and young adults are disinterested in God.
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They're leaving the church.
Some have faith and have appeared interested in Him in the past. Others have gone through the motions, perhaps to please their parents or because they felt they had no choice.

My staff and I pay attention to what's written, we observe young people, and we have talked at great length about teens' apparent confusion and apathy. We're convinced that many, if not most, don't have an accurate understanding of the holy and good God we love. Lies have confused them.

In an effort to battle the authority lie and replace it with the truth that God's authority is safe for us, I've identified common beliefs (or lies) that too often drive young people away from God and His church. I've also identified the truths that combat the erroneous beliefs.

Take some time to study these truths and consider your own beliefs. Look up the verses from the Bible and solidify those truths in your heart. As you parent, begin to look for these lies that permeate our society. Speak truth whenever you can!

Given all that is going on in our culture, it's understandable that many teens believe the lie that they are their own authority. Talk with them about why they might believe it, why it's dangerous, and what it would take for them to change their minds.

You and your teens might arrive at a true statement to replace the lie. It might be something like this:
I am willing for my parents and selected others to have authority in my life. I know they're not perfect and they may disappoint me, but that doesn't mean I can't humble myself and follow them, not blindly, but wisely. I think trusting God will be helpful, and I will let my parents and pastors help me learn how to do that well. Submitting to trusted and wise authority in my life will benefit me and the people I most care about
.

Lie #4: I am my own authority.
Truth #4: I need authority in my life, and I can learn to trust it
.

Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority.

HEBREWS 13:17

Technology can be our best friend, and technology can also be the biggest party pooper of our lives. It interrupts our own story, interrupts our ability to have a thought or a daydream, to imagine something wonderful, because we're too busy bridging the walk from the cafeteria back to the office on the cellphone
.

STEVEN SPIELBERG
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T
eens want information, especially that relevant to their personal interests and the problems they'd like to help solve, but young people may believe they don't need to go deeper and actually seek wisdom. Information satisfies them. Because many don't prioritize going deep, they don't believe they need teachers. As a result, many do not recognize their need for guidance. Some ignore
us and some unfortunately may drop out of school and church. This is especially true if they believe that they are their own authority.

Stopping at information, short of seeking wisdom and guidance, short-circuits young people's progress toward future dreams and their worthy plans for changing the world. Frustration sets in as they discover they're not totally prepared to be the change agents they want to be. The “information lie” is a subtle one, and young people may not realize that information is not enough.

As we explore the causes for this “information lie,” you may discover that some of them are particularly relevant for the teens you love. Beyond the suggestions I can offer, I pray your imagination will be sparked to develop strategies for positively influencing their attitudes toward you, teachers, and pastors. Ponder how you might inspire them to yearn to learn and become more teachable.

Teens Are Intuitive with Technology

These days even young children can figure out how to work handheld devices. A Facebook friend posted that she was watching a show on Netflix when her two-year-old approached. He picked up the remote, found the show he wanted to watch, and started watching it. Her post ended with, “I guess I'm done watching my show. Lol.”

That post didn't make me want to laugh out loud. Sure, this toddler's intuition with technology is obvious, but this was a
perfect moment for teaching him that having strengths doesn't mean he automatically gets to use them. As an adult authority figure, she had every right to watch her program and redirect her son to something else. It was a perfect opportunity to teach him self-control and respect for authority. Her passive submission to his television takeover taught the young boy a different lesson: He doesn't need an authority or teacher.

So how can we help teens see that technology in itself is a tool, part of a much wider world of skills and competencies?

1. We can help them understand the limits of their technology intuition
. Even while you affirm teens' skills and efficiency with technology tools, help them see that other problems can't be solved with equal intuitive ease. Show your teen when you're facing situations that call for a skill set beyond the technology. Maybe you're working out a tricky problem at work that requires complex reasoning ability and hanging on to many details or threads of information. Technology can help, but it can't solve the whole problem. Maybe a conflict within your church family is resolved with great wisdom and dependence on the application of peace, patience, and self-control among the people involved. Maybe a twenty-something person you know is carefully implementing a long-term plan toward a certain career or is achieving some sort of artistic or business success. Your adult perspective can help make your teen aware of the reasoning skills, character development, reaching out for advice, and dependence on God's guidance involved in these projects.

Intuitive technology skills are wonderful, but they don't automatically lead to success in academics, problem-solving, interpersonal relationship–building, and future planning. As you name, articulate, and explain other goals for gaining maturity, young people may begin to move their view of technology from an end or purpose in itself to a tool that joins many others in equipping them for adult life.

2. We can familiarize ourselves with technology as much as possible
. It's fine, of course, for you to turn to your teens for help with your technology. Their talent and intuition with technology are a gift to your family. But I recommend that you not depend solely on your kids' help with technology, but learn what you can. And handle it with care when you do ask them for help. Of course we want them to know we value what they have to offer and we are learners, but we also want teens to retain their respect for us as authority figures. It can be confusing to kids when we're their authority or teacher one moment and their student the next.

Teens Long to Be Self-Sufficient

Today's young people can be very independent. The Internet is partly responsible because it so strongly affirms the cultural rite of independence and equates it to personal control and freedom. Teens can also learn a lot on their own because of wonderful games and apps they use for learning
and memorizing basic facts.

It's become a norm for children and teens to need only a very short time span between learning about a new game and playing it or a new song and listening to it. Because they don't need help with technology, they often transfer this independence to other areas.

Obviously, some measures of independence are part of growing to adulthood. Teens know we're getting them ready to manage school and work schedules without our input, pay for their own car and its insurance, handle their own apartment lease, and manage adult relationships well. Even though more self-sufficiency is the goal, we don't want to give young people the impression that adults don't need the wisdom and influence of authorities in our lives. So how can we help?

1. We can explain and model that allowing others to influence and teach us is a mark of maturity
. We can help teens understand that embracing the wisdom of others doesn't mean we have to become dependent on them. We don't use advisors or teachers
instead of
learning on our own. We do both. You can model this in your relationships, as your young people watch you interact in a marriage, a business partnership, or other friendships. You model this by becoming part of a local church family, where your membership means you agree to submit to church authorities and to submit to one another within that community.
Wise adults are learning all the time. It's a mark of adulthood.

2. We can help teens see how we choose outside influences
. Talk about how you chose a college or career, how you've chosen personal mentors, how you came to choose certain people (living or dead) as heroes. Tell teens about how doctrine and teaching influenced your choice of a local church family. Talk about what kinds of teaching styles appeal to you—personal, inspiring, storytelling, factual and detailed, whatever. Teens will already have encountered teachers and other adults who have influenced them. Help them analyze what made those particular people so influential. As you help them articulate what they value in teachers and mentors, you give them tools for choosing influences in the future. Teens have a lot of voices speaking into their lives, and it's a tough challenge to choose the wisest, best influences. They need adult help in shaping those discernment skills.

3. We can be humble and teachable ourselves
. Our own ability to accept correction and instruction and the influence of others gives us the right to talk with our kids about these qualities. We can explain that others often help us see our blind spots. Others simply have experienced more than we have, and they can help us grow more than we can grow on our own. We were created to be strong, self-confident image-bearers of God while at the same time He designed us for healthy interdependency with each other. There are simply some things we cannot, and should not, do on our own. We are better as individuals when we have mutually benefitting relationships within our community. Ecclesiastes
says, “two are better than one” and “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (4:9–12). Model this kind of teachable teamwork for your young people.

4. We can point teens to the ultimate example, Jesus
. If our teens know Christ or are open to Him, we can remind them that even Jesus learned at the feet of others when He was young (Luke 2:46–52) and constantly listened to the Father and told His disciples what the Father said. Jesus' years of ministry were shaped by the teacher-plus-disciples model. He came to teach. Jesus was called “Teacher” more often than any other name,
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and those who became His followers stayed open to learn from the Master. Scripture has many passages about learning and teaching that you might explore as a family.
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Teens Are Easily Turned Off by Outdated Materials and Slow-Paced Teaching

Considering the other lies we've discussed, together with the fact that the entertainment culture has crept into every area of teens' lives, it shouldn't surprise us that children reject many of their textbooks as outdated. Also, in their words, “talking-head teachers” are inefficient and too slow for their quick-paced, multi- tasking minds. They're so used to obtaining speedy answers on their digital devices, they'd rather not discipline or apply their minds.

Young people can miss a lot by dismissing what they believe is outdated. How can we help them accept the authority of
older people, older works, and older or slower communication methods?

1. We can explain the values behind our own choices
. If you're reading a classic book or watching a film series without fast pacing or computer-graphic imaging, take a few minutes to explain your own choice. What's valuable in those books and films that keeps you going back to them? If you're handing your children obviously dated material, direct them to its value as you hand it over, helping to motivate them even before they begin to read. Many parents are surprised to discover their young people developing an enthusiasm for the writing and thinking of previous generations. It gives parents and teens a great point of connection as they talk about what a work meant to different generations of readers.

The “drawing room” novels of Jane Austen are two hundred years old, but teen and twenty-something readers and movie watchers gravitate in droves to the books and to remakes of these stories—either period pieces or modern versions of the stories (even YouTube dramatizations!). What draws contemporary women to stories from such an era of personal and sexual restraint? The personalities of Austen's characters are, well, timeless. How wonderful that this generation of young people isn't missing out on those great stories.

My friend Annette has consistently handed her teens the works of Francis Schaeffer and A. W. Tozer and J. I. Packer, theologians whose writing sparked recent generations of young
thinkers—and her teens have loved these works and gone on to explore more by these authors. Consider the ongoing bestseller-status of books by C. S. Lewis, whose popularity with this generation remains undiminished. Your teens have a wonderful opportunity to reach out for teaching from many generations.

As they see you valuing “dated” materials and hear you talking about what you read and see, your teens may begin to wonder what they might be missing!

2. We can hear them out
. If our children complain about materials and methods being used in school or church, we can listen for what we agree with and what we disagree with. Empathize if and when you can. If we believe helping our teens talk with teachers, pastors, and other authorities is appropriate and may help them make changes, we can do this. Our children will appreciate our support. If we believe our kids are wrong in their critique, we can discuss their opinions with them. We want to be open so our kids will talk with us. Shaping those conversations is critical, though. Complaining just for the sake of complaining isn't healthy or productive, but looking for solutions is.