Screens and Teens (10 page)

4. We can talk about respect and its role in our patience
. Our attitudes toward people influence whether we'll be patient or not. If our kids think we're their servants and it's our job to meet their needs, solve their problems, and keep them happy, they won't be patient. Talk about respect in the family and outside of the family.

5. We can work to eliminate the double standard
. Kids find it confusing if we tell them dinner is ready or we're ready to leave for church or the park, and they come when called but then have to wait because we weren't ready. All of us must work on being people who are trustworthy and whose word is true. Patterns may be set, but they can be changed. Let's honor our children, raise our expectations, affirm them when they're patient for even a few minutes, and do the same for ourselves so we improve.

6. We can talk about waiting on God
. Learning to wait has huge implications for our kids' emotional and spiritual maturity. They must learn to wait for God's leading and answers when they pray. We know, from several Scriptures, that God wants us to wait hopefully and expectantly.
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Do we model this for our kids? Our behavior puts our beliefs on display. Waiting on God might be one of the most important things to do in our quick-paced, I-want-it-my-way culture.

We Live in the Culture of Easy

We are experiencing the culture of easy. This most certainly causes teens to think happiness is always possible and readily attainable. We can have music and phones with us at all times. We can auto-correct, filter, and crop pictures. Our DVR makes it simple to
record television shows to watch at our convenience. Writing is made easier because of functions like copy-and-paste and grammar checks on the computer. These and other tools can eventually help teens improve their writing. They're not bad tools, we just don't want teens to assume everything should be easy because of them.

Teens tend to avoid things they can't do well in order to stay happy. Correcting mistakes, persevering, and asking for help makes them uncomfortable and insecure. They want things to be easy, and they cut-and-run or x-out when they're not. They're used to the identity of “I can do it myself.”

Avoiding real or perceived pain keeps them happy, and this concerns me. It's suffering that leads to perseverance, character, and hope (Romans 5:1–5). Avoiding discomfort can result in underdeveloped personal security, limited identity, and spiritual immaturity. It also contributes to not knowing how to work hard. One college teacher told me how she had assigned some research over the weekend. Within twenty-four hours of her Friday class time, three students had emailed her and indicated that they couldn't do the research because she hadn't given them the links to use. She had to tell them that she expected them to find their own resources, do their own research, and make their own deductions. She declared, “In ten years of teaching, I'm seeing huge implications in this next generation's ability to work hard and not be expected to be handed information.”

If teens aren't willing to work diligently, they'll have to be satisfied with the status quo. Excellence will be sacrificed for
self-gratification. Without our help, they may naturally choose self-protection and ease rather than working to learn new skills and develop talents. Taking the easy road may result in character and hope never being firmly established in their lives.

Having a shortsighted, look-for-the-easy-way-out perspective may mean teens also don't discover their purpose. Because knowing our purpose is often the very thing to inspire effort, perseverance, and diligence. Without it, they can stay living in the culture of easy.
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So how can we ease our teens' transition out of the culture of easy?

1. We can evaluate our own attitude toward difficulties
. What's our attitude when something is challenging? If our children see us abandon community or home projects, we won't have any credibility when speaking with them about their habit of giving up. I encourage you to process what's going on within yourself so that persevering, asking for help, and dealing with the imperfections of life get easier for you to manage.

2. We can resist the urge to rescue our kids from hard experiences
. Are you allowing your kids to give up too frequently or too soon rather than working with them? Ideally while in our homes, our kids learn how to view obstacles optimistically and gain experience in overcoming them. Let them know the stress they feel is normal, not something to instantly run from. Tell them they'll grow and mature by learning. I totally agree with Chapman and Pellicane who wrote, “As long as that child feels
secure in your love, she will thrive when challenged.”
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Without security as a firm foundation, teens' identity and competence won't grow. Without security, they'll never develop resiliency. They won't learn how to view mistakes in healthy ways, struggle without feeling stupid, or truly believe failure isn't final or fatal.
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3. We can help our kids persevere by teaching them and encouraging them
. Rather than
telling
them what to do, we need to teach them what they need to know and do. We might be surprised by how often our kids truly don't know
how
to improve. We can make it safe for them to ask for help. Also, we can correct and not criticize. Rather than just telling them they did something well, we can
specifically
point out their strengths so they'll know to use them again.
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4. We can help our kids understand how God works in and through us
. Share truths with your teen that will help him or her persevere in difficult tasks or experiences. Philippians 4:13 comes to mind: “I can do all things through him who gives me strength.” Talk about what it means, in rubber-hits-the-road, everyday terms, to depend on God for strength. Maybe it involves praying through the process, asking others to pray for you, and meditating on Bible verses. For example, Psalm 59:17 talks about relying on God. How does that work out in real life? Do you have Bible heroes who faced tremendous difficulties and whose stories encourage or inspire you? You might read those with your teen. Talk about how faith comes into play in hard times and hard situations, despite our culture of easy.
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5. We can talk about the difference between joy and happiness
. Happiness is dictated by our circumstances, which can change all the time. Joy is dictated by our relationship with God, who never changes. Happiness comes and goes; joy can be present in our hearts all the time.

6. We can help them understand the joy and satisfaction that comes from hard work
. There's nothing better than working hard and then stepping back and saying, “I did that.” My friends have a middle-schooler, D.J., who has just taken over lawnmowing duties since his older brother left for college. D.J. drags his feet when he's asked to mow, but then he seems quite proud of the job well done once he's finished. My friends notice D.J.'s satisfaction with his growing maturity and responsibility; he's pleased to be doing what used to be the “big kids' job.” My friends openly remark on that feeling and commend his work, hoping to reinforce D.J.'s own pleasure in tackling big jobs. When you see teens working hard and accomplishing something, call attention to the internal satisfaction they feel upon accomplishment. Help them to identify the gratification of hard work.

7. We can talk about living life to the fullest
. This is a fantastic age in which we can document our lives and history in unprecedented ways. But to truly live, to experience the full joy of the moment, we have to be free from our screens and remember
our lives were never meant to be contained in 140 characters or fewer. The more you invest in relationships in real time, the more your kids will be likely to follow your example.

We Live in a Culture of Entertainment

The culture of entertainment is all around us. As Jill Savage and I addressed in
No More Perfect Kids
, teens who use tech toys frequently may incorrectly conclude they must be entertained in order to be happy.
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Since they view happiness as their right, by extension many see entertainment as their right. Even those who don't play games on their devices pick up from peers how much fun all their technology is. To be honest, gaming is genuinely fun for a lot of people. However, it is detrimental if their demand for “fun” increases the likelihood they'll avoid work, including daily chores and responsibilities.

When we hear kids talking about wanting to be entertained, we need to understand it's usually not people who entertain them. Rather, they're entertained by fast-paced and challenging activities and stimulating content. I've been saying for years that it's engagement they actually want, not entertainment. Many youth tell me the entertainment culture in some youth groups is insulting. They don't want to be entertained for the sake of being entertained. They do want to engage with meaningful content.

The slow pace and lack of challenge are major reasons school frustrates so many of our youth. The dropout rate is stunning—8.1 percent of high school students do not graduate, 8,300 drop out
each day, and 36 percent of those dropouts are ninth graders. They're making early decisions to not complete school.
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Of the many who go on to college, 46 percent do not earn a degree, even after attending for six years.
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Getting past the need for constant entertainment is relevant for working teens, too, and for those beginning to think about their future. Whether they're helping out at home or working, it's not realistic for them to think all jobs will be entertaining and stimulating. When jobs are tedious or require long hours of concentration or physical effort, kids may give up. Apathy sets in. When listening to us talk about our jobs, what do they learn? Often that's a great place for us to start when thinking about how our teens perceive environments that aren't entertaining or interesting.

1. We can provide a list of activities they can do that don't involve technology
. Because most teens hate being bored, we can brainstorm with them some non-tech activity ideas. The numbered list can be posted in a convenient place. They can refer to the list when they can't think of something to do. When a child complains, “I'm bored!” we can say, “Go do #17.” After we use this idea a few times, and they don't like whatever random number we choose (that might have been “Do your laundry”), they might complain less often about being bored.

2. We can encourage non-tech activities in everyday life
. When driving in the car, you might randomly comment about what's outside the windows, maybe considering your particular
teens' interests: “Whoa! The architecture in this neighborhood is really varied. Do you think we can guess just by looking which decade each house was designed in?” or “What kind of tree do you think that is?” You might play word games, guessing games, or storytelling games in the car. You could leave a cool puzzle out on a card table for family members to work on as they have time. If you're at the library, pick up heavily illustrated books on subjects that will probably interest your kids and leave them lying around your living room or family room. Make it easy for them to “dawdle” over something other than their screens.

3. We can talk with our kids about the value of being bored
. Boredom is a fact of life and can't always be avoided. Teach your children how to deal with boredom, rather than always trying to avoid it. Talk with them about being alone with their thoughts, about the benefits of quiet, and about choosing sometimes to rest in solitude. Explain how times of mental inactivity is actually healthy for their brains and their emotions.

We Live in a Culture of New

The culture of new also keeps teens happy. Many parents buy them the newest and best of everything, often on the first day it comes out. For example, 3.2 million DVD Blu-Ray Discs of the movie
Frozen
were sold on the first day it was released.
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Sales of the video game
Call of Duty: Ghosts
exceeded $1 billion on its first day.
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Just because we can afford to buy something doesn't mean we should. Sometimes teaching our children the value of delayed
gratification will actually serve them better than any DVD we give them on its release date.

The culture of new that tells us we need the latest and greatest breeds serious discontentment. Just because something is old doesn't mean it should be replaced. Before purchasing my current smartphone, I had a “dumb phone,” a plain cellphone. It wasn't the latest and greatest, and my nieces enjoyed pointing that out. But it worked. It did what I needed my cellphone to do. I was satisfied, but frequently had to defend my decision. In their book
Living
with Less So Your Family Has More
, Mark and Jill Savage share a story about not having an HD television. No one in the family complained until they experienced HDTV in a vacation rental home. Suddenly their old TV didn't seem as good. The Savage family did not get a new television, but they did get a quick lesson in how easily discontent can creep in.
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Some teachers have mentioned to me how more and more children won't use broken crayons in school. They throw them away as soon as the paper comes off or the crayons break. I still remember the large plastic container of broken crayons my second-grade students enjoyed digging through when they were lacking a particular color. There is something fulfilling about using resources well and appreciating their value. It's important for us to help teens be content with function and not live in the discontent of not having everything “new.”