Screens and Teens (14 page)

3. We can provide guidance for the big decisions that aren't easily changed
. There are some irreversible decisions! For example, the choice of a spouse is a lifetime commitment. We can help teens with this decision by talking through what traits they might look for in a life partner. We can suggest that they date only those who have the kind of traits they're looking for. Sometimes young people choose to leave behind their faith or choose a different religion. This is a big decision, and parents help the most by being engaged themselves in a local church, by talking openly about how God is shaping our lives through the Bible and our relationship with Him and with others, and by praying together as a family. And we can pray that the young people we love choose Christ as their Savior and never look back.
¹³

But we can't be surprised that “the choice lie” creeps into the faith area of decision, too. After a presentation to a youth group, a teen told me he couldn't choose Jesus as his Savior even though it made sense because he might discover a better choice the next day. A youth pastor I know well relayed a similar incident. At the summer camp after a teen's senior year, this young man told Jeff that rather than trusting Christ he wanted to see what was offered at the college he'd be attending.

4. We can ask deep questions that make teens think
. Rather than asking, “What are you going to do when you grow up?” and “Where are you going to college?” we could ask today's multitalented, multipassionate teens a question like, “What problems would you like to help solve?” I've had some amazing conversations with youth that began with this question. In their answers we'll often see connections to high school electives, college majors, and careers, so it can stimulate a great conversation. Here's one of several Facebook messages I received from a mom who took my recommendation seriously:

5. We can stay engaged with our teens
. Teens will usually listen better to us if we've been talking with them their whole
lives. It's not too late—ever—but we'll have to work harder to earn their trust if we haven't been directly and intimately involved in their comings and goings. Too many teens ask me what happened when they turned thirteen. They talk about how their parents' sudden interest seems like interference because they hadn't been very involved before. For example, “Yesterday they trusted me and didn't seem to care who I was with or why I was doing what I was doing. I had a birthday and now they care.” Or, I hear things about becoming middle-schoolers. “I'm older and in a different school, and now my dad cares.” Sometimes they add “But I don't care anymore.” That's the risk. If we've been absent in any way, we need to apologize and not try to deny there's truth in their observations and concerns. We can admit we trusted them and thought they were safe when young, but we shouldn't have been as absent as they sense we were. We can ask them if they'll let us care. We will certainly care no matter how they respond, but the conversation may secretly mean a lot to them.

6. We can teach our teens to choose well
. There's a difference between telling them what to do and teaching them how to do it. Simply telling them what to do keeps them dependent upon us. We can't afford to only offer advice and opinion. That weakens our case. These are too easily dismissed, especially if our teens don't respect us. Our teens deserve
more. We must instruct—impart knowledge, teach, and allow our children to obtain their own wisdom through application of what we have passed along. We must train—help them form habits and develop proficiency. Then we must carefully correct—adjust their behavior with action (not anger) so they'll follow the teaching and training.

Some parents will offer actual lessons about choosing well. Family devotions with a theme of decision-making is another way to teach. Other parents create opportunities to talk about how to choose. Others wait for opportunities to teach that present themselves in the everyday happenings of life. In addition to what we've already covered in this chapter, we can include:

•
Mindfulness
. Since many teens are quick, prefer instant gratification, and use their first impressions when choosing, we can teach how, why, and when a more careful and detailed analysis of the situation is warranted. Eric Metaxas is one of many recommending the practice of mindfulness: “Being mindful involves slowing down and doing things deliberately. It forces attention where we might otherwise merely act reflexively. Such practice builds the mind's capacity for self-control.”
¹⁴

•
Moral choices vs. wisdom choices
. Explain the difference between moral choices (a matter of right versus wrong) and wisdom choices (good versus better or best). Especially if our teens seem regularly satisfied with “good,” observe
to see if we can figure out why and help them to discover better or best.

•
Preferences vs. decisions
. We can talk about the differences between simple decisions, which are really preferences (such as eggs or cereal for breakfast, the blue or the red shirt), everyday decisions that become habits based on character (exercise five out of seven days, tell the truth, honor people's time), and major decisions that probably should involve thinking, feeling, intuition, and talks with trustworthy people in and beyond the family. Look for simple and everyday choices to get easier and then guide them so major choices also get easier.

•
Choices as a part of life
. Often one choice leads to another, which leads to another. This is a natural part of life. Teens who are hesitant to make a choice because it limits their choices benefit from understanding that they'll always be making choices. For example, even after choosing to follow Christ, there are decisions we continue to make—like being truthful, honoring our word, protecting our relationships, and others.
¹⁵

No one likes to watch our teens being tossed to and fro, torn in their emotions from indecision or feeling overwhelmed. When Jesus becomes the anchor for our teens, they'll have a refuge against the cultural tides (choices) that pull them in myriad directions.
By standing firm in Him, they will have made the right choice and will thrive.

What's the truth we want our teens to believe instead of the lie that they must always have choices? The truth is: While I'm offered many choices, there are times it's appropriate for me to not have a choice. I'm grateful for all the options I often get, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of handling it when I don't have any. When I do have options, I can learn to choose well, which includes considering what God would prefer me to do.

Lie #3: I must have choices.
Truth #3: I can handle my choices with God's help
.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

PROVERBS 3:5–6

B
y this time, you are not going to be surprised that today's young people have a difficult time understanding and appreciating authority. As teens in every generation separate from their parents, they tend to go through a phase of resisting or outright challenging authority. However, this generation doesn't just disregard authority, they think they can be their own authority.

The lies we've already covered play right into this one. Teens don't need to listen to anyone if they're the center of their own universe. They prefer doing their own thing since happiness is important to them. Making choices using the “universe” and “happiness” as criteria doesn't require teens to consider what someone older and wiser recommends. Many teens don't believe they need advice or direction. They believe they are their own authority.

Have you seen teens disrespect authority? See if these causes ring true.

Parenting Style

There are three parenting styles that play into this authority lie: the Friend Parent, the Absent Parent, and the Inconsistent Parent.

Friend Parents are so devoted they almost worship their kids. They want to be their children's friends! They allow their teens to do what they want, believe they can do no wrong, and have a hard time saying no. These parents either don't bother teaching standards for right and wrong, or they do try to establish such standards but in confusing ways. These children don't experience much authority, if any, and this freedom communicates to them,
You don't need authority. You can do what you want
.

The children of Absent Parents draw the same conclusion but for different reasons. These parents just aren't there for their kids. They're too busy with work or with personal problems, or they can't be bothered. They force early independence upon their children and cause them to parent themselves. Essentially these teens become their own authority by default.

Inconsistent Parents might treat children like friends one minute, but not the next. They may be heavy-handed one day, but then lighten up as they feel guilty over the way they just responded
to their children. Sometimes they may order their kids around and at other times be completely absent. These children have a warped view of authority and may think,
If that's what authority is and does, I don't need
any
. In these situations, the children will be confused, drifting, and argumentative.

If, right about now, you're feeling tremendously insecure about your parenting mistakes (and every parent makes them!), take heart.

1. We can change!
If you fall into one of these parenting categories and don't like it, change is possible. It will take effort and talking with your children to explain why you're making some changes. Have they been ignoring you? Resenting you? Talking back? Complaining? Apologize for your specific part in creating these problems, if you feel it's appropriate. You also may want to spend time with parents who use a style you want to adopt. You can observe how they make decisions and interact with their kids. Initially your children may resist you, but stay the course because it
will
be to the benefit of all.

2. We can resist the temptation to judge other parents
. If you're confident in your parenting style and don't believe it negatively affects your children's opinions about authority, don't waste time judging other parents. Keep your eyes and ears open to parents who may want your help, and help as a peer if you are asked. With humility, be honest about your successes and lessons learned from your struggles. You might begin or help to promote a parenting class at your church. Parenting isn't easy today for
many reasons, and a lack of healthy authority, or teens' respect for authority, are underlying causes.

Authority Failures

Let's admit there are plenty of reasons for young people to be skeptical. Just look around. We've had authority figures in every arena be accused of character flaws, faulty decisions, or inappropriate actions. Because of our instant media technology, we become aware of almost every detail. Government. Church. School. Nonprofits. Corporations. Media. Families. We've lost respect for authority because we've lost respect for authority figures. Teens may be slow to trust us or any exercise of authority with good reason.

How can we influence our young people's view of authority figures, despite the failure all around them?

1. We can guard our hearts and minds
. All of us in positions of authority, and that includes all parents, need to guard our hearts and minds. We can use accountability systems and allow select people in our lives to provide accountability. There are numerous proverbs that instruct us to seek godly counsel (such as Proverbs 12:15 and 15:22) and warn us against believing we know enough (Proverbs 11:14 and 13:10). When we make mistakes, morally compromise, or sin, we need to take personal
responsibility, without ducking the consequences. We need to forgive ourselves and ask to be forgiven, as appropriate.

2. We can help teens process the failure of authority figures
. When teens learn of people's failures, be available to help them process what happened and how they're feeling. These are great opportunities to model grace, mercy, and compassion even while we hold tight to biblical standards. Processing experiences well may help our teens trust authority figures again.

3. We can highlight wise authority figures
. Though they may be few and far between, some authority figures do use their authority well and can be trusted with the authority they have been given. I sometimes tell young people about my grandfather on my mom's side. He was the mayor of my city when I was young, and he's one of my heroes. One Christmas Day when it began to snow, my brother, cousins, and I were thrilled. But I saw tears in my grandfather's eyes. He knew he'd have to ask snowplow drivers to leave their families to ensure the safety of our community. My grandfather knew these hardworking drivers would have to sacrifice important family and celebration time. Yet my grandfather shouldered that responsibility, knowing he'd been elected to take care of the whole community's welfare, even when a situation required a tough decision.

Television and Movies

Many reality and competition shows accentuate values contrary to those of most Christians, and many disregard authority.
Many popular productions have no authority figures in them at all, or the people in authority are not portrayed in a positive light. After asking for input on Facebook, one person said this about television shows: “Children talk back, and the parents are represented as pushovers, dumb, unaware, uninvolved, or stupid.” I agree! I just heard a commercial advertising something simple end with this line: “Even a parent can do it.”

Friends of mine have purchased DVD box sets of shows their children like to watch even though they're available as reruns on some channels. They don't want their children watching them on TV because authority is disrespected even in the commercials their daughters would see.

Here are other proactive ways we can lead our teens to respect and value authority in their lives.

1. We can be closely aware of what our kids are viewing
. We need to be aware of what our teens are watching through various services and on their devices. It's not simple anymore—we need to work at this by keeping them accountable and keeping screen access in the family areas of the home.

2. We can explain the
why
behind good media choices
. We can explain our standards for what we believe is and is not appropriate when our kids are young and adjust them as they mature. If they know
why
we believe what we believe, they might adopt our same beliefs even when we're not directly involved. Isn't that part of the goal of “training up children in the way they should go”? One family I know uses a Focus on the Family website,
Plugged In.
¹
When their kids were younger they would read movie reviews to determine what was appropriate for their kids to see. As their kids entered middle school and started asking to go to movies with friends, they would require their teens to read the movie review on Plugged In on their own to determine if the movie would be appropriate. Many times the teens would come to their own conclusions simply by reading the content reviews; sometimes they wouldn't even ask to go to a particular movie.

3. We can watch together
. Watching shows and movies together and talking about characters, their motivation, plot development, language, and subtle messages can be one of the best ways to pass on our values. Some families have regular movie nights, which can also bond siblings. Going to movies one-on-one with children can be effective for talking about authority, culture, and more. Plan on dinner, dessert, or a walk after the movie to allow time to process and discuss what you just saw. Look for the ways authority is handled in the films you see. Who's wielding the power? How do others respond to those exercising authority? These talking points open a door for exploring the issue with your teen.

Other Technology

Much of today's gaming makes the gamer feel in complete control, which feeds the authority lie. All the decision-making associated with surfing the Web and scrolling on social media sites also feed into the computer user's feeling of being the master of his online universe.

At the same time it's handing the user a feeling of freedom and control, the World Wide Web is … confusing. It's a wide, wild world of opinions and information (good and bad). There is, without doubt, a whole lot of lying going on. As someone posted on Facebook, “We live in a world where anybody can sit behind a keyboard and say whatever they want to virtually anybody with no real repercussions.” So how does that opinion overload affect a young person's view of authority? Without discernment, it's hard for them to know who or what to believe. So they pick and choose, becoming—yep!—their own authority.

Texting, social media, and email offer teens a wide freedom to communicate, without any accountability to authority. There's no one to stop social media users from lying or disrespecting others; comments can be made without the intervention that would take place when people are talking face-to-face. Social media sites like Facebook make it easy to comment on everything, with strong appeal for teens who may not feel heard by others, narcissists who enjoy self-promotion, or bullies who disagree often with people's posts and comments. Some seem to derive a twisted kind of pleasure by undermining everything posted online. Also, some teens post their own or share other people's videos and photos that display people's weaknesses. It can be a vicious, dangerous world—and teens are on their own out there!

So what can parents do to take back some authority on these hard-to-monitor technology issues?

1. We can increase face-to-face time with our kids
. Having designated zones and times for connecting are critical. The more we interact with our teens in real face-to-face times, the better. Don't expect this to be easy. Teens will resist. Stand firm for what you know they need even if they say they don't want the time with you.

2. We can monitor their social media interaction
. We can help our children by regularly examining their social media posts, their comments there, and their comments on friends' posts. Especially when they're beginning to use these services, we can present ourselves as the authority they need because we
are
the authority they need. This will be especially important if they're being hassled in any way online. As discussed in the last chapter, we need to
teach
them how to respect themselves and their friends and not just
tell
them what concerns us.

Lack of a Clear Standard

Having lost our cultural moral consensus makes it easier for teens to believe their own standard is as good as anyone else's. It's so easy for them to drift and second-guess the values they've
been taught. Not having a clear compass for life makes rejecting authority easy. Teens may act according to moods or gut feelings, with the result of unwise, unfortunate decisions—some of them with lasting consequences.