Authors: Leah Banicki
“All the media has done is lie about me and give me anxiety. I would just like to be left alone. Tony and I
broke up, end of the fairy tale. Go find someone else to bother. Please and thank you.” I finally got my key to work
and I slid inside before Sandy had another chance for me to get angry on camera.
Within four hours my little cottage was surrounded again. I was tired of calling the police and creating a
racket but I did not know what else to do. I got a call from Ruby who said the local McDonalds was crawling with
reporters.
“Well, at least it’s drumming up business for the local economy.” I said sarcastically. “The police can clear
my driveway but can do nothing about parking across the street. They paid the neighbors for permission to park. I
haven’t even met them yet and I am pretty sure they think I am a crazy loon now.”
“Well, crazy neighbors are nothing new. I have some of those, myself.” Ruby laughed as she said it. I
laughed with her and I hung up feeling a little better somehow.
My iPhone rang and I saw Jackson’s name.
“Hello doll, would you like a rescue from the three-ring circus?” He said cheerfully, he must have gotten
over his doldrums.
“Yes. But I have no idea how.” I was hoping to be rescued. It sounded like fun.
“Well I was thinking about coming by on a row boat. We can try to escape by water. I doubt any of the
reporters rented a boat.”
“I wouldn’t put it past them.” I laughed. Just the thought of a water rescue sounded exciting, but I was
wondering how to get away or return without getting noticed. “You better wear a disguise, not sure you want in
on this carnival ride. That would only fuel the fire. The headlines write themselves.”
“Well sweetheart, I am a big boy. I have handled the press before. I kinda like the thought of being your
hero.” He made his voice all swarthy and low like he was talking on the radio. I could not help but chuckle.
“Ok, I will be ready on the dock. I’ll be the one in the big floppy hat.”
“Oh baby, I love that floppy hat!” He said in that swarthy voice.
The rescue went off without a hitch. My hero came by with a ball cap pulled low and some large
sunglasses. Once the boat took off we watched the shoreline. The reporters all saw us but didn’t have much to do.
Any pictures would be worthless with us in our disguises. But they knew it was me, it was a priceless moment.
There was something delightful about watching them all scrambling to find out where I was going. Jackson spent
some time rowing along the edge where the high weeds were thick and tall. I figured it was his plan to lose the
onlookers. When we thought we were in the clear he started the small engine and we zoomed over to the Bliss
House to hang out for the evening. We made a vow to pretend like nothing was going on and we just hung out
and watched a movie.
At ten o’clock I claimed exhaustion and decided to hitch a ride home. My hero got me back in the boat
and we rowed back in the dark. The only company we had was the mosquitoes, I was glad to be back on land and
stop being the feast for the pesky creatures. Zee helped me out of the boat and tried to walk me to the door
when floodlights switched on. My stomach dropped as the army of cameramen, reporter vans and mic operators
formed a wall around my property, all facing me. Standing by my door was Anthony Capriccio.
I had never been more aware of Jackson holding my hand. I gave it a squeeze to remind him not to let me
go. He held it tighter in response. My blood started to pump into my head.
“Hannah, is there any way I can come in.” Anthony said.
My worlds were officially colliding now. I had no idea what to do. The camera flashes were so bright and
flashing so fast in front of me I could not see.
“I..I …” I was trying to breathe. My chest was pounding so fast, and someone was squeezing me.
Something large, I was losing control. “Jackson…” I looked to Zee and held my chest with my free hand. I just
needed to breathe.
The crowd by my house was yelling but it was getting far away now. I felt Jackson scoop me up. The
closeness felt nice through the pain in my chest.
“Get in the house you idiot.” I heard Jackson say. His voice was rough and in a strange place. In my mind I
thought that it was probably his tough cop voice. I was sure Jackson set me on the couch. He got my head
between my knees again. Gosh this seemed familiar.
I just tried to breathe to lower my heart rate. I listened while Jackson and Anthony carried on a
conversation in my living room. I was not sure how much worse this could get.
“Are you some kind of idiot? Do you know how much the Paparazzi have been hounding her? This was
your stupidest stunt to date, Capriccio.” Jackson was keeping the tone of his voice low but it had all the intensity
of yelling.
“What is wrong with her? I didn’t mean to freak her out.” Anthony sounded contrite and a bit stressed.
“I don’t know Mr. Bachelor of the Year, perhaps dumping her on National TV, followed by betrayal, a
media circus, then last night’s escapade on TV, I have no idea why her nerves are obliterated. Maybe the best thing
you could do is put yourself in her shoes for a half a second and you might see how hard this is for her. I know
that is a stupid suggestion because you have been the biggest, selfish jerk since week ten of that stupid TV show.”
Jackson was mad but his voice was stony and cold. I listened and sat up a little on the couch, I was now able to
take deep calming breaths. The pain in my chest was starting to ease.
“That isn’t how it happened.” Anthony sounded a bit defeated.
“She is just trying to move on and now the national media will not let her, thanks to you.” Jackson said this
in a calmer voice almost like a plea.
“Jackson, can you get me some water?” I asked in a weak voice. I held my head in my hands because the
headache was coming back. Sometimes it was worse than the panic attack.
I heard the fridge open and close.
“Who are you?” I heard Anthony ask.
“Jackson Zenko. Here sweetie,” He put a water bottle in my hand. I wondered why he used his pen name.
“The best-selling Author, Jackson Zenko?” Anthony’s voice had a bit of a squeak to it just then. Now I
know why… Jackson was playing the famous card to keep Anthony from playing his. This was so awkward. I
chugged some water and took some more deep breaths.
“Guys, when you are through pacing you may have a seat. We can talk while sitting, too.” I said. I massaged
my temples and opened my eyes a bit more. I saw both of them pick a chair. Jackson sat next to me possessively.
“Hannah, I am sorry, I should have called first but I figured you would just hang up.” Anthony had his hands
clasped in front of him. He looked the same; he had a haircut since the TV interview and was back to his old look.
The charm had worn off for me though.
“Yea, I know, but I was hoping you would understand especially since you had this happen to you.” I said
then took another few breaths to calm down.
“Are you okay?” Anthony asked softly.
“I am not dying but I am not okay at the moment. I had some anxiety issues after the show then after all
the other junk in the media. Death threats, breaks up and sellouts all in a short time… I didn’t handle it well.” I
said and sipped water again.
Jackson rubbed a hand up and down my back in a comforting motion. Anthony saw it and his defenses
went up.
“So I guess this is you moving on now, huh, with the Author?” Anthony said with a low tone I had never
heard. It wasn’t menacing, just interesting. This was Tony not getting his way.
“Yes, Tony, I did tell you about it. I told you I was with someone else now.”
“That is awfully quick work Hannah.” He retorted.
“Wow, coming from you after you slept with Desiree and dated twenty-four other women at the same
time as me.” I could feel my anxiety rise again with a little anger mixed in.
“Just breathe Hannah.” Jackson reminded me with a whisper.
“You really needed to hash this out didn’t you, Tony? You wanted it you got it. I came to some conclusion
that might help you, Tony. What we had wasn’t real.” He attempted to interrupt me but I cut him off. “Oh, I know
it felt real sometimes, in Australia and all the letters. But it wasn’t actually a committed relationship at all. You
never once got to call me, or buy me present, or take care of me when I was sick or lift a finger to do something
nice for me. You couldn’t, I know, the show made you do it. I get it, I really do. I joined it too. Thinking maybe I
could find romance. But it was just a lot of fake nonsense. I think the only way a relationship becomes real is in the
other moments such as: when you know enough about me to read my moods and what I like in my coffee and the
thousand other things that makes a companion. We were never committed Tony. You didn’t cheat, because we
weren’t together. If you had proposed I would have probably said ‘yes’ but it would have been hard work. We
knew next to nothing about each other. I have never once seen you angry or annoyed. We might have discussed a
hundred things but I don’t know when your birthday is or what your favorite candy bar is.” I finished and gave Zee
a look before I sipped more water.
“Hannah, I want to know all those things and share all those things with you. I want to be that companion
to you. I can wait for you.” Anthony said a bit desperately.
“You didn’t wait for me Tony, you didn’t.” I said in defeat. He still wasn’t getting it.
“I didn’t mean to, it was just stupid.” He looked down at his hands.
“There were plenty of times when you kissed me, I wanted to cross the line with you but held back
because of my beliefs. I thought you were on the same page.” I looked to Jackson with an apologetic look. I hated
that he had to hear this.
“I was, it was just… Desiree was so hot, it was about heat, and things got out of hand.” Anthony said
stupidly, looking shocked when it stammered out.
“So in essence I wasn’t hot enough. I have already dealt with this Tony, I know what I am. A pretty girl that
would make a great companion…” I got a little choked up and wanted to stop. This was exactly how I feared this
would go. Me, being the ice queen and facing my fear of never having anyone want me.
“I think this is enough.” Jackson stated firmly. He grabbed a tissue box and handed it to me.
“Tony, can I ask you politely to go now. I think I have said enough. I forgive you but I am not interested
anymore.” I said weakly and began to cry again. All my fears and insecurities were on display. I was the biggest fool
ever.
Anthony made a wordless escape. Jackson stayed with me for a few hours as I cried and said nothing.
As Jackson left I finally got the nerve to say how I feel.
“Jackson I am so sorry about this. I didn’t want you to hear…” I sniffled, and tried to collect my thoughts
through the crying headache I had developed. “I am thankful you stayed. Please don’t give up on me yet. I have high
hopes for us.” I gave him a wobbly smile.
He kissed me and gave me a long hug that told me all I needed to know for now. I needed to let him go
home and process it all.
Chapter 31
I had a few quiet days to process all the fun with the Paparazzi. My family and Jackson were there when I
needed them. I spent quite a few evenings alone though, pushing people away and claiming I wanted to be alone. It
was not always a good idea. I spent a little too much time feeling sorry for myself, not missing Anthony at all, just a
bit of a pity party about having panic attacks, and then seeing it on the news programs and a large article in several
magazines and newspapers. It seemed Hannah Parker and Anthony were the talk of gossip rags. I was done with it.
I was threatening myself with crawling back into depression and having a complete come-apart but I spent some
good prayer time and Bible time that helped. My mom and Ruby were excellent to talk to and helped me through
some rough crying jags.
I prayed that God would help me through this, it was going to be work but I felt peace amidst the storm.
The depression slithered away like the snake it was and I faced the new reality of living my life. No more TV shows
and dealing with the media as it hopefully got less and less interested in my love life. It would take a while, I had to
be patient and stop panicking when stuff didn’t go my way, which was easier said than done, but I had a new
determination to be peaceful. I let my friends and family back in and stopped being alone when I got moody. I let
Chrissy stay a few more days and she was good at distracting me. Girl movies and lots of snacks made for a fun
weekend. She was headed back to college to finish out her schooling with what was left of the TV money. I was
proud of her and repeatedly reminded her of it. It was nice to have something new to talk and think about.
She left after a long weekend and I felt a bit better. Sunday night I had a long talk with Jackson and told him
about my weekend fun. He shared the plot of the next book he was working on. I was starting to feel like life was
moving forward.
After the horrible nightmare and discovering the vultures, aka reporters, were still crouching nearby I
decided to stay in hiding for the day. I tried to read and failed, so I mindlessly stared at the lake and saw Jackson in
disguise in his little boat slicing through the water. He pulled into the dock and I leaned out the back door.
“I am sorry Jackson, I am having a dark day. Not sure I’d be good company.” I said, pulling my bulky
sweater around me. I was fighting another crying headache and was certain I was a hideous mess of swollen
everything.
Jackson parked his boat and sprinted up the dock. He was not daunted by my mood. Actually he seemed
to be even happier to be there. He snuck in despite my non-verbal cues for him to not bother.
“So sit.” Jackson said. He fluffed a pillow and then held a blanket nearby to tuck me in as I sat. “I have had a
few dark days myself, anything happen today?” His stare was so caring, it was my undoing. Two hot tears plopped
out and fell down my cheeks.
Ugggg, I would pay money to sew up my stupid tear ducts
. I thought.
“Just reliving some junk, old news… my own demons haunting me a bit while I slept, the nightmare was
brutal.” I tried to be vague. I hated everyone knowing my history. I pushed back regret again.
“Ah..” Jackson said. “How’ve you been sleeping?”
“Poorly the last few days, I had a pretty horrible nightmare last night. Woke up and couldn’t shake it off.” I
felt more hot tears escaping. Jackson reached out and swiped a few tears away with his big hands.
“I know all about the bad dreams. I can recommend a few things that helped me through.” Jackson moved
next to me on the couch, I felt him slide an arm around my shoulder. I nodded pathetically and then buried my
head in and cried a few minutes. He just let me.
“I hope you know how much I love you.” I whispered after my emotions calmed.
“I know, but I love hearing it again.” He gave me a grin.
“I want to talk about everything that has happened, but not sure I am ready. I just want you to know that it
is really over with Anthony; I have a few insecurities that I need to work out, God and me. When it’s time, can I
come and talk to you about it?” I asked.
My heart wanted to break at the tenderness and protection he had in his eyes. How lucky was I to find
Jackson when I did?
“Take your time. I’ll be praying for you darling.” I saw he had something else to say and I gave him time to
do it.
“Well Hannah, I have something to say too. If you are ready I would like to take this time to officially
update the world on your current relationship status.” Jackson continued after a second to read my face, “Not this
moment, but soon. We will let you get all gussied up and we will walk out of here with no disguises and let them
ask a few questions that we control. That way they can start the rumor mill. Because, until they know that you and
Mr. Soulmate are really over, they will stay parked in your neighborhood.” He was excited about his idea. After a
moment of thought I agreed it might work.
“A few people have called and asked me why I was with you. I think we should let them know. I would
also like to hire a security team to hang out here and also at my place to make the Paparazzi a little more
uncomfortable. Please let me. I am tired of watching them push you around. Let me make it my gift.” He smiled
really big and nodded, I sniffled, smiled and nodded back. He did a fist pump and hugged me.
“Let’s do it tonight, the whole meet-the-press thing. I want this to be over.” I said, feeling a lot lighter.
“It will get a bit worse before it gets better, especially with the author thing.’ He added.
“I know, but at least it feels more like us controlling it instead of it controlling us.” I sat down and pointed
at the kitchen.
“I am going to need some caffeine, be my hero and pour me some, please.” I said a little syrupy. My brain
was overwhelmed but I was trying to look on the bright side
. Maybe I should call Chrissy and have her help me get
ready. I can almost hear her squeal with delight
.
Two hours later my bed was a few inches deep in clothes and Jackson was so bored he was resorting to
playing games on his cell phone wishing he could escape. Chrissy and I were deep into the try-on-outfits game.
“Now for hair and makeup and our date with the Paparazzi will be ready. I wonder why I care since they
took a picture of me last week having a panic attack. I am trying to block out that memory.” I said after we got the
outfit picked.
Jackson took the boat back and decided to drive his SUV over to stir up the hornet’s nest. He figured
arriving officially by car would wake them up. It did.
He strolled in wearing an expensive dark suit, dashing and very recognizable as the ‘Author persona, not
the chopping wood and strolling through the woods’ guy, but I liked this look too. I gave him the ‘once-over’ and
approved.
“You will have to thank Ruby, I nearly arm wrestled her over going to the tailors and getting a few custom
suits made. Being so tall it is hard to find suits that really fit off the hanger. I had one, she made me get several.”
Jackson did a low bow and spin for Chrissy when she gave a whistle.
I finished getting ready and touched up the hair with my curling iron and Chrissy did her best up hairdo. It
was impressive. I gave her lots of vocal praise and invited her to stay if she liked. She declined and scooted. I could
hear the crowd outside getting antsy and Chrissy got ‘em excited by telling them that we were coming out soon.
They would be a pack of wolves by the time we emerged a few minutes later.
I said a prayer before Jackson and I opened the door.
Just get me through this Lord, help us find our way out of
this mess.
Jackson and I stepped out and the lights were flashing and everyone started yelling. ‘Look this way.’ Jackson
held his hand up and the crowd quieted for a second.
“If you would remain silent for a moment, Hannah will now speak.” His take-charge manner had everyone
speechless. I was so proud.
“Thank you, I appreciate the chance to speak, and hope you will get the word out, for this is hopefully
going to be the end of the media circus.” I cleared my throat. “Jackson Zenko and I are officially a couple. I will
not be reconnecting with Anthony Capriccio from the Soulmate TV show but I wish him happiness. I am glad some
of the rumors and lies about what happened on the show were put to rest and I wish to move forward with my
relationship with Jackson.” I looked up to see Zee smiling. “I hope this will ease your minds about needing to
watch my home all hours of the day and night. I wish to go back to having a private life again. I am not a celebrity,
just a girl that got dumped on TV…. It happens.” I smiled, shrugged, and got a laugh. It felt good. “So now as a
peace offering, I give you one more public display of affection, please let this be my last one for the media.” I gave
Jackson the cue, he swept me into a grand kiss, and I could hear the crowd cheer and click away with their
cameras. The kiss was nice and distracting.
“Ok, now if you will please clear the way. I am hungry and you aren’t invited.” I heard the cameramen
laugh again and Jackson guided me to the car and we drove away.
* * * * *
Two weeks of being a couple in the public eye had helped a little. I still had people following me but the
numbers had dwindled. I did an interview with Sandy Thomas of the local news as a peace offering. It was difficult
to agree to it but once I did she was all sweetness. I gave her the questions she was allowed to ask and had a
contract that gave me the rights to see the final cut before approving the aired interview. They agreed and put
everything in the way I wanted it. No deletions or special editing, just a simple interview.
I told everyone about how Jackson and I met, and how he helped me deal with the media attention. I was
pleased to be able to say a few nice words about Anthony and to wish him well the best I could. The TV interview
was a hit and since then, I have received a ton of letters and cards from other girls who had battled a break up and
were encouraged by my story. It was very humbling that someone such as I, a emotional wreck, could help others
through their problems.
Jackson and I were enjoying more freedom to be together in public now.
It was now the end of August and I was getting ready for another photography trip to Florida, then
planning a trip to Israel right after that. It would be miserably hot but I prefer to travel in the off seasons, smaller
crowds equals better pictures. Jackson will pout because I will be gone for three weeks.
“You know what happens when I get sad and lonely.” Jackson was sitting on my bed as I packed.
“I have two days at home still,” I said, his melodramatic tone was adorable.
“I will have to kill someone in a book and it’s going to be your fault again!” Zee threatened.
“I think you should get some help about that!” I gave him a look. He smiled at me angelically.
“Perhaps the next trip I can come along. I am very portable ya’ know.” He suggested.
“That is unlikely for awhile.” I gave him a frowny face after I said it.
“Why awhile? Why not a little bit? We are grown ups. I am all for getting to know each other but I think
we are moving along nicely. People Magazine call us a golden couple.” Jackson grinned big and grabbed my hand.
“I cannot fold one-handed silly.” He let go and pouted again. “Stop it Jackson, we are moving along nicely,
yes. I just want to make sure you know what you are getting into before making any big decisions.”
“What I am getting into, I am getting into you. A beautiful, sensitive and talented woman, that makes me
glad to be alive.” He said it sincerely and it worked to make my heart thump a little.
“Thank you, but you know what I mean.” I said, not willing to look at him, I went back to folding my
laundry.
“I have no idea, you are everything that I have been looking for.” Jackson grabbed my hand. “Look at me
Hannah. Tell me what you mean.”
I would not be able to back down now, I started this
. I have to finish the thought now.
“Well I mean about… being cold. Anthony was not the first person to say it to me.” I blurted it out.
Jackson just shook his head.
“Just because you have morals does not make you a prude or frigid.” He said, holding my chin so I could
not look away.
“Well, I know that but I am simply stating an issue that has come up more than once. I want you to be
okay with me and know that you may not be happy with the end result.” Okay, I said it. I can’t take it back now.
Jackson gave me a questioning look and pulled me down in his lap, a small stack of folded shirts fell off the
bed with a soundless plop.
“Have you thought about sex ever?” Jackson asked and looked me in the eye. I was desperate to look
away but his persistent gaze was more than a little magnetic. I was forced to answer.
“Yes.” I was sure my face was purple but I held my expression.
“Do you want to be my lover?” Jackson was trying to hide a smile. I raised an eyebrow to warn him to
behave himself.
“Actually I do.” I said rather quickly, it felt good to say it out loud. Was it a sin to want to? Of course not,
I felt the answer from somewhere inside me.
“You are many things Hannah, but cold is not one of them. When I put that wedding ring on your finger I
will be the best lover you ever had.” Jackson’s smile smoldered its way through me and left me speechless. I found
my voice and attempted to tease him.
“You will be the only lover I have ever had.” I lifted an eyebrow again and waited for his reply.
“That is something I will thank God for every blessed day of our lives!” Jackson grinned like a mischievous
boy and leaned in to steal a quick kiss.
“Now let’s get out of here before I kiss you again.” He jumped up and grabbed me by the arm. We were
headed back to the Bliss House where the family was waiting. I let him get a few steps ahead of me to allow some
needed space between us. I was not sure how it happened every time but he knew how to handle me. He took my
fear and doubts and ground them into dust. I felt so much trust and faith in what we had. He wanted me, and
respected me. I didn’t know a real man could do that.
Chapter 32