Run to Me (28 page)

I slide down and sit on the carpet, my feet
pushed up under the bed. I stay like this all night, with the lights on and the
crap music playing, just watching; so she’s not alone.

Twenty Two

The night before Paul’s birthday, James comes to
see me. It’s the first contact I’ve had with anyone from the family. I know Luke
told them everything, but I’ve been staying away. I’m fine dealing with Luke
and even Todd, once he started talking to me again. I’m OK pushing Paul away, even
though it hurts, and not seeing him for the past two weeks. But I have no
desire, what-so-ever, to see Kim’s judgemental face.

As it happens, when I open the door to find
James standing there,
his
face is as neutral as can be. He even smiles
at me.

‘Hi,’ I say, hugging him. ‘How are you?’

‘How am I? How are
you
?’

I shrug and we head to the kitchen. Nadine has a
round table in the centre of the room, with a large vase of pink tulips on it.
She’s been buying these, for me, every few days. I settle into a chair and
gesture for James to sit opposite me. I don’t want to be the first one to speak,
in case I get it all wrong. He slips out of his coat and slings it on the back
of the chair.

‘Can I just…’ he says, picking up the vase and
shifting it over to the bench. ‘I can’t see you behind them.’

I nod, and he leans his elbows on the table, looking
deep into my eyes.

‘Are you OK?’ he says.

‘I’m…all right.’

‘You look like hell.’

We both laugh.

‘Thank you.’

‘No worries. Look, Abby. I want you to know that
I’m OK with everything. I don’t care what you do. It’s fine.’

The reality of this statement hits me.

‘You’re the
only
one who has said that.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be.’

‘No, I mean it. I’m sorry that you have to go
through all this without Mum, or anybody else.’

I look over at the flowers. ‘I’ve got Nadine.’

‘Yeah, but you know what I mean.’

I take a deep breath. ‘Tell me.’

James stares. He leans back in the chair and
crosses his arms. He scratches his goateed chin.

‘It’s OK. I want to know,’ I prod.

He sighs. ‘Fine. Mum’s angry. And Dad’s…well…Dad
takes her side.’

I nod in agreement.

‘Isabelle says you’re a hypocrite. Something to
do with Samuel. She wouldn’t tell me what.’

‘Mmm.’

‘She’ll come around. She loves you. We all love
you.’

‘I don’t need your mother to forgive me.’

‘Well, she’ll take longer, but I think she’ll
get there.’

‘So…what exactly did Luke tell you?’

‘That you’d been with a student and that you’d
left. Although he used much stronger language than that.’

‘I’m sure he did.’

‘He said he’s planning a divorce.’

‘Yes. I want that too. He’ll be better off…maybe
he’ll find…someone…
else
.’

‘It’s OK to be selfish, Abby. It’s OK to go
after what
you
want.’

I look at him, this young, intelligent man,
barely two months older than Paul, and it makes me wonder if I’ve done the
right thing. Did I underestimate him? Maybe he doesn’t need time, maybe he
is
ready.

‘You don’t hate me for this?’

He reaches across the table to take my hand.
‘No! Because I understand why.’

‘You do?’

‘Sure. You haven’t done the right thing by Luke,
but I get it. You’re in love with this Beckett guy, right?’

I can’t form the words, so I just nod.

‘I know him. Beckett. He’s OK.’

‘Do you think there’s a chance…I mean, is he
capable of…he’s only eighteen,
tomorrow
.’

‘Everyone gives us a bad rap. But some of us are
decent guys. Take me for instance,’ he says with a giant clown smile.

We laugh again.

‘You’ll never know if you don’t give it a try,
right?’ says James.

‘Yes.’

‘Do what makes you happy. That’s my motto.’

‘How come you’re so smart?’

‘I’m part of a top secret science experiment.
Every night aliens abduct me and inject me with intelligence juice.’

‘Do you remember this?’

‘Sadly no. And my butt is always sore in the
mornings.’

This gets us both and I laugh until the tears
are pouring down my face.

‘Thank you,’ I say, squeezing his hand. ‘Thank
you for coming here…and thank you for supporting me.’

‘No worries. So what are you going to do?’

‘Paul wants to stay here, be together.’

‘And you?’

‘He always talks about leaving Jungilla. I don’t
want to hold him back. I told him to go.’

‘You did? But that’s his decision. You can’t
dictate what he does with his life.’

I feel a knot in my stomach; this is what I’ve
always done. This is what I did with Luke. What will it take to satisfy me?

‘Focus on your own decisions. And leave him
his.’

I grip his hand again and smile. ‘You’re pulling
out all the good stuff today, James.’

‘I know! I’m on fire! Maybe I should get my own
talk show.’

We spend the evening like this, talking things
out, and laughing. I feel at ease for the first time in weeks and everything
starts to dissolve away. I lie in bed after he leaves and think about my seven
years with Luke and my couple of months with Paul. All that time spent chasing
some ideal, when reality is so much
more
.

I need to take some time here, to get out of my
head for a while. I’m always in there; worrying, analysing. It’s time for some
quiet now. Because something has shifted in me, something I can’t even
articulate, but I feel it. I don’t know what will happen with Paul, when I see
him again, and it’s OK I suppose. I don’t have to know; that’s the beauty of
it.  

***

A couple of hours into the party, Matt taps me
on the shoulder. I am standing with Reggie in Matt’s kitchen, downing my third
beer. The music is blaring from the lounge room, where a few people are dancing,
and someone has already spilt their red wine on the carpet. We know it’s going
to be all down hill from here.

‘Can you come with me for a second?’ says Matt.

‘Sure. Let me finish my beer.’

‘
Now,
’ he says, walking away.

Reggie rolls his eyes at me and turns his
attention back to Rachel. They start snogging, leaning up against the fridge. I
follow Matt’s head through the crowd. A bunch of people from school turned up,
which surprised me. I didn’t think I was so popular. Although, it was probably
just for the beer.

‘Hi Paul,’ says Melanie as I pass. She is
holding a full glass of wine and she is dancing like a maniac. Looks like this
will end up the second spillage of the night. I try to upright the glass in her
hand but she barely notices. She starts moving along beside me.

‘I heard you’re leaving town.’

‘Yeah,’ I nod. ‘I’m going overseas.’

‘Sweet. Where?’

I push open the front door, where I saw Matt go,
and then she is there, waiting patiently with him on the verandah. The door
slams shut behind us, drowning out the thumping music, and then everything is
dead quiet. We all stand still, staring, until Melanie finally opens her mouth.

‘Mrs Fox? What are you doing here?’

She manages to peel her eyes away from mine to
give Melanie her best teacher’s smile.

‘Hello, Melanie. Having a good night?’

‘Yeah,’ says Melanie, suspiciously, then she
looks at the glass in her hand. ‘Are we in trouble?’

Abby laughs. ‘No. Not at all.’

‘Melanie, come help me change the music. This
song sucks.’

Matt steps around me and grabs Melanie’s wrist.
I wait until the door slams again, then I take the three steps to meet her and
pull her into my arms.

‘This is crappy timing. I’m leaving you know.’

‘You are?’

‘Well, you said that stuff and I haven’t heard
from you so I figured…’

We break apart and lower ourselves to sit on the
verandah. She looks down at my chest and starts to laugh.

‘What?’ I ask, following her gaze. Reggie gave
me one of those stupid over-sized buttons with ‘18’ written on it in bright
pink. I’d forgotten I was wearing it.

‘Happy Birthday,’ she says, taking my hand.

‘Thanks.’

‘So when do you fly?’

‘Day after tomorrow.’

‘That’s soon.’

‘Yeah. When I got the cash for it, I booked the
earliest flight I could get.’

‘So your dad’s OK with everything?’

‘Well, he’s not too impressed with me, but we’ve
kind of come to an understanding.’

‘What’s that?’

‘To stay out of each other’s way.’

‘That should be easy, if you’re on the other
side of the world.’

‘Yeah. My Mum had some money for me. Something
my grandma left I think. It paid for the ticket.’

‘So everything’s working out then.’

I shake my head. ‘Not everything.’

She looks at me. ‘I’m sorry, Paul.’

I wrap my arms around her and we stay like that
for a while. Inside, the music keeps pumping, and people are cheering, and
laughing. No one seems to notice I’m gone. It really must have been the beer
then.

Abby lifts her head. ‘My nephew came to see me
yesterday. He said some things…it made me realise…maybe I shouldn’t have pushed
you away.’

I groan. ‘And you couldn’t have worked this out
before I bought a bloody one-way ticket?’

‘I didn’t know. But it’s a good thing, Paul. You
should go, see places, experience life. That’s what being eighteen is all
about, right?’

‘Yeah, but now I’ve got to leave you.’

‘That’s probably for the best. I need some time
to get my head sorted.’

‘And after that?’

‘After that we’ll see.’

‘Come with me. You don’t have to sort shit out
for me. You know you’re already perfect in my book.’

She laughs. ‘Maybe so, but I’m trying to be
practical here.’

‘Don’t you ever get sick of being practical?
Don’t you ever want to do something crazy?’

She raises her eyebrows. ‘Maybe that’s why I’m
here with you.’

‘Oh, bullshit. You’re here because of my hot
body.’

‘Well, that too.’

We laugh. Then I pull her close.

‘Abby. I want to be with
you
.’

‘I think I want that too.’

‘OK. So what do we do here?’

‘You go to Europe. And then, we’ll see.’

‘That’s still pushing me away.’

‘What do you want from me, Paul?’

‘Come
with
me. Now. On Saturday.’

‘How can you be so sure? About us?’

I shrug. ‘I trust my gut.’

‘I wish it were that simple.’

‘It is! You make things complicated. Why do you
do that?’

‘I guess I’ve been let down more than you…I
guess life isn’t always what you expect.’

‘Geez, you really can’t let go of the age thing,
can you? I’m not a kid. I
know
what I feel.’

We stop. I uncurl my arm from around her
shoulder and stare out to the dark street. I don’t know why she bothered coming
here, if she wasn’t going to change her mind.

‘Let’s go to the hut,’ she says, reaching her
hand out. ‘Let’s just go there and stop talking about all this stuff. Let’s
just be with each other,
now
.’

I try to say no, because I know how hard it will
be to walk away tomorrow, but I’m focussing on her cold hand in my own and I
feel everything overpowering me. I can’t control it, any of this. I never was
able to. She’s had me since that very first day, by the window at school, and
I’ve done nothing but move towards her,
with
her, for months. I look
into her eyes, those green, green eyes, and I know I don’t even have to
respond. She knows as well as I do that I couldn’t say no even if I wanted to.

Twenty Three

Instead of the big goodbye, we kiss each other
as though there are many more tomorrows to come.

I go to the park, when I know his plane is
leaving, and I run as fast as the cold, biting air will allow. I focus on the
gravel, ignoring the freeze in my chest, until I fall into meditation. My mind
doesn’t wander; there is nothing but my twisting body and the wind on my face.

He is with me, even now, in this quiet state. He
reaches out to touch my cheek with his fingertips, so gentle it tickles, and
then he brings his lips to mine. I smile in the waning sunshine, because for
the first time in a long time I feel content. I know where I am headed. I know
that if he stays with me, like this, then someday, maybe, I will follow him.

Today, though, I just keep breathing. I keep running.