Authors: Erin Golding
‘So how was it?’ Matt asks.
‘Pretty good. I caught up to her and we ran the
whole thing together.’
‘Sweet.’
‘Yeah. But now she’s gone,’ I say, glancing
around one more time. ‘She took off straight after.’
‘Maybe she didn’t want you to see her with her
husband again.’
I hadn’t thought of that and now the images are
floating around my head. I picture them kissing in the car like before. He’s
got his tongue in her mouth and her hand is in his hair just like it was in
mine earlier. I picture them racing home to celebrate her run, his hands all
over her.
‘Argh,’ I say, shaking my head to knock the
images out. ‘I need a distraction. Let’s go back to mine and play Street
Fighter.’
Once we’re back at my place, and changed out of
our sweaty running gear, I make us some giant sandwiches. The lounge room is
quiet so I figure The Chief must be upstairs sleeping, or Mum has taken to the
hospital for more physio. He wanted to go back to work this week but Mum fussed
and fussed until he agreed to take more time off. She didn’t want him risking
his health, or so I heard her say over and over again. I reckon it’s probably
got more to do with her absolute contentment at having someone to look after
again. She’s seemed a bit lost, the old bird, since Bianca and I learnt how to
wipe our own arses.
‘So let’s see. Last time it was fifty forty-five
my way right?’ I say to Matt as we wander into the lounge room.
‘There you are.’
It’s The Chief, lying on the couch with the T.V
off, waiting.
‘Where have you been?’
‘I was at the race. You knew about it.’
‘I wasn’t referring to today. Where have you
been every afternoon for the last month, because you sure as hell weren’t at
the site.’
He’s got his arms crossed and he hasn’t taken
his eyes off me. Matt could be dancing buck naked behind me and The Chief still
wouldn’t take those narrowing eyes off my face.
‘Well?’
‘I told you I had training and homework and
stuff.’
‘That’s no excuse. I know you weren’t out
studying your arse off every day, so where were you?’
‘We had a big assignment due so he’s been at
mine some days,’ says Matt.
The Chief doesn’t even acknowledge him.
‘Nice of your chum to stick up for you, but I’m
not buying it. You skipped out on your responsibilities and you know I don’t
take lightly to being lied to.’
‘Look, whatever. So I didn’t go to the site. I’m
sure Mike and the other guys managed. You’re always saying I’m no help when I’m
there anyway.’
‘You think life is just one big party. Hang out
with your mates, play video games, smoke cigarettes, get into fights, that’s
all you ever do, isn’t it? Well it’s time you learnt that mistakes have consequences
and lying is a sure way to get yourself in trouble.’
‘So what is it? Am I grounded for eternity?’
‘Ha! You’ll wish you’d just been grounded. I’ve
got something else entirely in store for you. A punishment that’d make you wish
you’d done as I say.’
I stand there and wait for him to lay it on me,
but he just waves us away.
‘I’m still sorting it out. Have your little fun
afternoon with your chum now because it’ll be your last one for a long, long
time.’
Matt and I hook it out back to my room. I’m not
as angry as I thought I’d be. Sure The Chief still pisses me off, but lately
I’ve realised that I’ll be out of here soon, and then what’s he going to do?
Follow me around the rest of my life trying to tell me what to do? No way. As
soon as exams are over I’m getting as far away from him as possible. Maybe I’ll
even jump on a plane, go travel round Europe or somewhere. Go to Amsterdam and get stoned for six months.
I look at Matt finishing off his sandwich.
‘Can you believe we’ve got less than six months before
we’re out of here? I was just thinking I should shoot off overseas or
something. That’d piss The Chief right off. I wouldn’t be within striking
distance.’
Matt raises his eyebrows. ‘Yeah? Where would you
go?’
I shrug. ‘I don’t know. Abby told me once about Europe. It sounds pretty cool over there.’
Matt is smirking at me.
‘What?’ I ask.
‘You want to run off with her.’
‘I never said that.’
‘Well where’s this Europe stuff coming from?
You’ve never mentioned it before.’
‘I don’t know. I just remembered. Earlier this
year, during training, she was telling me all about when she went travelling.
It sounded awesome. That’s all.’
‘Right. Well spare a thought for me who’ll be
stuck at uni for the next thousand years or so.’
‘Hey, science boy. You chose to shoot for
medicine.’
‘And you chose a life of juvenile delinquency.’
‘That reminds me. What should we do for my
eighteenth, huh?’
‘Steal a car and rob a bank?’
‘Too pedestrian. I say we throw a kick arse
party. At your place.’
Matt shakes his head. ‘Mum loves you but she’ll
never go for it.’
‘Come on. It’s my last hurrah.’
‘Why? Are you dying?’
I laugh, and I pretend to kick him. ‘It’s my
last chance to drink illegally. You said it yourself, I’m a juvenile delinquent
all the way.’
‘Will you invite Abby to this party?’
I smile. ‘As long as she doesn’t bring her
husband.’
***
I avoid everything and everybody in the days
following the race. After the confrontation with Kim I feign a migraine and
Luke takes me home. All day Sunday I hole up in our bedroom, pulling the sheets
over my head and willing the world to just
stop
. I know that would be
the coward’s way out but I have no strength to fight for what I have done, to
myself and to my husband. I think I’ve probably ruined our lives.
I don’t worry about Kim’s threat. I know she was
only trying to scare me into taking responsibility. She would never purposely
hurt me. And telling Luke behind my back would be doing just that. Close or
not, we are still sisters, and deep down that means something. She won’t sell
me out, no matter how much she may want to.
Still, her anger got me thinking about
consequences. I’ll have to tell Luke some time. That much I can’t avoid
forever. He deserves to know what kind of wife he’s got. Who knows, he may just
forgive me. But it’s not likely though. He makes my guilt triple in intensity
by bringing me cups of tea and even rubbing my head while I have my ‘migraine.’
A couple of times I brace myself to tell him, I even open my mouth but no sound
comes out.
By Monday morning I’ve decided cowardly or not,
I can’t see Paul. I can’t face him, knowing that our secret is out. I want to
take comfort in him, and yet I know that doing so would be like putting the
final nail in my coffin. I can’t be reckless and foolish anymore. So I call in
sick to work. Three days in a row.
Luke doesn’t question this. He’s seen how bad my
migraines get. Besides, I hardly see him anyway. He leaves for work while I’m
pretending to be asleep. And he returns later, when again I am pretending to
sleep. During the day I venture out to the lounge room and try to lose myself
in crappy daytime television. I hardly eat, bar a tub or two of ice cream, and
I don’t cry. That is my punishment I suppose. My tears have dried up because I
shouldn’t be allowed to wallow in a disaster of my own making. I chose this.
I do think about Paul. Constantly in fact. I
wonder what he must be thinking, where he thinks I am. I do see him ride past
our house a couple of times, but he never rings the doorbell. And I never run
out to meet him, as much as I long to.
On Wednesday afternoon I drag myself out of bed
long enough to call Nadine. She arrives within half an hour, with a container
full of soup and a bottle of red wine.
‘I didn’t know which one, so I brought both,’
she says, holding up the items.
‘Thanks,’ I say, trying to smile.
‘Wow. First things first, Abby. Shower and clean
your teeth. You smell like a homeless person.’
Nadine runs me a bath and even helps me in. She
stops short of washing me though.
‘Come on Abby. Pull yourself together. Have a
proper wash while I make us a cup of tea.’
She is direct, and takes no bullshit. I know
that was why I called her. I hate to say it, but Nadine has seen me through a
number of similar ‘breakdowns’ over the years. The last one was when we found
out I’ll never conceive. That was a particularly pitiful time, but it was
Nadine who had pulled me out of it with her harsh policy of ‘get up and get
over it.’
I do feel somewhat revived by my bath. When I
emerge from the bathroom Nadine is sitting ready and waiting at the kitchen
table. There are two steaming cups of tea next to her, but the wine is close at
hand too. I relax into my chair and sip the tea. I take my time, and Nadine is
patient with me.
‘Kim knows,’ I say finally.
Nadine nods. ‘Ohhh.’
‘Yeah. She came to the race on Saturday and saw
me do this stupid thing.’
‘He was in the race? What did you do?’
‘It was really dumb. I was just so happy to have
the race over with, and he’d done so well motivating me and maintaining a
steady pace with me...’
‘Yeah...’
‘We hugged. And I curled my fingers through his
hair.’
‘She picked it up from that?’
‘How many teachers do you know that stroke their
student’s hair? Unless we’re talking about a kindergarten teacher.’
Nadine stops drinking her tea and stares at me with
a look of disgust. I realise in an instant my mistake. I hadn’t told her it was
Paul.
‘What do you mean student?’
I take her hand. ‘Nade. It’s one of my students.
His name is Paul. He’s seventeen.’
She is shaking her head and muttering under her
breath. I hear the words ‘no’ and ‘can’t be’. I sit and wait for her to get her
head around it, or blast me. One way or the other. And then she does something
unexpected. She pulls me to her and hugs me so tightly I almost can’t breath.
We stay like that for a few minutes while she cries on my shoulder. I know they
are tears of pity for my plight, I just wish I had some of my own.
‘So what happened with Kim?’ she asks when she’s
done.
‘She bit my head off. Screamed at me. Threatened
to tell Luke.’
Nadine breathes in sharply, as though something
has scared her.
‘Don’t worry,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘She
won’t tell him. I know she won’t.’
‘Are you going to?’
I let her question hang in the air. My brain is
telling me not to be so stupid, but my gut says I have to be honest with him. I
look at Nadine and nod slowly. ‘Yes.’
Nadine reaches over and takes my hand.
‘When?’ she asks.
‘I don’t know. There’s no good time.’
‘Abby, I just have to ask. What about the
school?’
‘They don’t need to know. It was nothing, a
little mistake, a month of indiscretion. It’s over now.’
‘Really? You won’t see him again?’
Again I let her words hang in the air. This time
my mind and gut are saying the same thing, although I don’t tell Nadine that. I
keep it to myself, and tell her what she wants to hear.
‘No. I won’t be seeing him again.’
Eighteen
I get all the way to Wednesday night before The
Chief catches up with me. I’m not in a good mood when he hollers for me. School
was rough today. I was dying to see Abby but she was off sick again. Third day
in a row. I asked Mr Bateman if he knew what was wrong with her but he just
looked at me funny and told me to drop it. I don’t know what that means, but it
doesn’t seem good. I want to cycle round to her place after school, like I did
the other days, but Mum’s waiting for me at the gates after last bell. I even
try ringing her when I get home but there’s no answer. I want to believe she’s
just plain old sick but something doesn’t feel right.
When I drag myself into the kitchen Mum and The
Chief are waiting for me. Mum looks like she’s been crying, and The Chief has
his narrow eyes on. I slide up onto the bench, lean back against the tiled wall
and cross my arms.
‘So?’ I say.
‘I’m sick of you thinking you’re shit hot around
here. We’re the parents and what we say goes,’ says The Chief.
Is this the way it’s going to play out? He slags
me off all night?
Mum blows her nose and looks at me with wet
eyes. ‘The school is very disappointed in your marks, Paul.’
I nod. I could deny it but what’s the point. I
haven’t given a crap about classes since all this Abby stuff started.
‘Yes. Your mother had a meeting with Principal
Stewart today and he was not too pleased to hear about you skipping work at the
site and getting into fights.’
Mum mouths ‘I’m sorry’ to me, but she doesn’t
have to bother. I know it wasn’t her idea to sell me down the creek to Stewart.
‘The only thing you seem to care about is
running around that stupid oval, and that’s not going to get you into
university, especially the way you run.’
‘Howard,’ Mum says but he takes no notice. He’s
laughing at his own joke.
‘And we hoped Matt would be a good influence on
you considering the heights he is destined for, but that seems to have gone out
the window. So we’ve decided that the best thing for you is to take these
distractions out of your life.’
I feel my stomach twist. ‘What do you mean?’
The Chief lets me sweat it out, taking his time
to answer. He’s definitely enjoying himself.
‘We’ve arranged with the school for you to
finish your final year preparations at TAFE, and you’ll sit your exams there in
October.’
I’m down off the bench in a flash. ‘
What
?
No way. No fucking way.’
‘Don’t you dare swear at us like that,’ yells The
Chief. He’s roaring now. I’ve made him angry. ‘This is exactly the kind of
behaviour we’ve had enough of. You’ll do as we say because there is no other
option. Do you understand? This is the way it’s going to be.’
I throw my hands up. ‘You can’t do this. I
haven’t done anything wrong. So what? I didn’t go to the stinking site. And I
let my marks slide a bit, but I’ll pick them up. It’s no problem. I don’t have
to be shipped off to finish the year with the plebs over at TAFE. Come on,
guys.’
‘Come on nothing. We gave you leeway, tried to
treat you like an adult but you’ve thrown that back in our face. You clearly
can’t be trusted to make the right decisions, to not lie, to not get into
fights. So the decision has been made for you. As of next week you’ll take your
classes at TAFE. Your mother will drive you there and pick you up and you’ll be
grounded every afternoon.’
‘This is bloody house arrest.’
The Chief smirks. ‘If that’s the way you want to
look at it.’
I could punch the smug bastard. He’s actually
enjoying this. He’s not doing it to make sure I pass the exams, he just wants
to put me in my place, to control me. This is all about him being in charge.
I clench my fists and Mum steps forward to hug
me.
‘It’s for your own good, Paul. You’ll thank us
later when you’ve passed your exams and you can go on to university and make
something of your life.’
I push her away. ‘And what if I don’t want to go
to uni? There are other ways of living your life you know.’
‘What else would you do?’ asks The Chief.
‘I don’t know. Acting, maybe. Or I could run.’
‘Well, which one is it? Hollywood or the
Olympics?’ he says sarcastically.
I shrug.
‘You’re not serious about acting. And running is
what got you into this mess. It doesn’t make you more focused, it drags your
attention away. You won’t be running until your exams are over.’
‘You can’t stop me. What are you going to do,
tie me to the bedposts? I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.’
‘You can run in your own time, but afternoons
are here studying. No more training.’
‘And when am I allowed to see my mates?
Supervised visits in the lounge room?’
He slams his hand down on the table. ‘That’s
quite enough. No more back talk, Paul. I’ve had it up to here with you.’
You and me both. I cross my arms to stop myself
from flipping him the bird.
‘On Friday afternoon you’ll go with your mother
to register at TAFE. And don’t expect any big farewells over the weekend
either. You’ll be here, re-painting the bathroom.’
He waves me away and Mum keeps her head down.
She is crying, but she still doesn’t have the balls to stand up to him. Either
do I, I guess. But what am I meant to do? He’s in charge, that’s for sure.
It isn’t until I get back to my room that it
hits me. Never mind running and Matt, I clean forgot that not being at school
means not seeing Abby every day.
***
Paul is waiting amongst the trees in our front
yard when I pull the car out on Thursday morning. I don’t notice him until I’ve
reached the kerb and then he shifts his weight. I see his arm flash as he waves
to me and next thing he is climbing into my passenger seat.
‘Paul. What are you doing here?’
He reaches over to put his hand on my thigh.
‘Where have you been?’
I look away. ‘I was sick.’
‘Really?’
‘Look, I just needed some time. But I’m OK now.
You have to get out though. I’m headed to the school. I can’t drive you there.’
He squeezes my leg. ‘Let’s ditch.’
‘I can’t
ditch
. I’ve already missed three
days. Besides, they’re expecting me.’
I shake my leg to make him let go but he
doesn’t.
‘Well when do you have a free period? I need to
talk to you about something.’
He sounds desperate and for the first time I
really look into his eyes. They are overflowing with anxiety.
‘What’s wrong?’
He sighs and moves his hand off my leg. ‘The
Chief is making me leave school. I have to finish the year at TAFE.’
For a split second I imagine that Kim has told the
school, but then I remember that surely they would have cornered me about it if
she had. Or I would have had a visit from the cops.
‘Why?’ I ask.
‘I guess my marks have gone down.’
‘Because of me? Paul, you said you were keeping
up with everything.’
‘Don’t lecture me now OK.’
‘All right. I’m sorry. But you told me
everything was OK. And you’ve been managing in English.’
He looks at me as though I’m stupid. ‘I’ve got a
good reason to try in that class.’
We both smile.
‘Well maybe this is for the best. I’m sure your
parents are only thinking of you.’
He scoffs loudly. ‘Yeah right. He’s doing this
for the power trip. They don’t give a rats about me. They don’t even care if I
want to go to uni or not. Which I don’t, by the way.’
‘Have you decided what to do?’
He looks at me for a moment and then shrugs. ‘Europe sounds good. Or the acting thing.’
I nod. I’m not sure what to make of this whole
TAFE situation. I can feel the battle going on inside of me. One part wants to
clutch at a way to keep him near me, but the other sees this as an easy way
out. I can end it here and no one would ever be the wiser. Maybe I wouldn’t
even tell Luke.
Paul takes my hand. ‘What are we going to do?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m grounded every afternoon. But we’ll have
the weekends. We can still meet up, right?’
This is my chance. To cut the cord. To leave
this whole thing behind, as though it never happened. But as I look into his
eyes I get that same rush through me, the stomach flips and the trembling skin.
I know I could easily lie to him like I did last night to Nadine. I could push
him away, save myself a lot of grief. But I can’t ignore those eyes, the way he
looks at me with such passion.
I close my eyes and nod slowly. ‘Yes.’
I can almost feel his relief. He grips my hand
tighter.
‘Whoa. I thought you were about to get rid of
me.’
I shake my head.
‘Have you really been sick?’
‘No. I just needed some time. My sister knows
about us.’
His eyebrows are up and his voice rises ten
decibels.
‘What? How?’
‘She saw us at the race.’
He frowns. ‘But we didn’t do anything.’
‘I touched your hair.’
‘Ohhh. So what’s going to happen?’
‘I’m not sure. She won’t tell anyone, but it
does mean we’ll have to be very careful.’
‘Is your old man going out of town again anytime
soon?’
At the mention of Luke my skin stops trembling.
I picture him massaging my feet in bed last night, the way he tried to seduce
me and my turning away from him again. I can hear him groaning and playing the
hard-done-by card. I hear myself placating him, almost to the point of begging
so he wouldn’t see straight through my illness act.
‘No,’ I say simply.
‘Ohh, shame. We’ve always got our spot I guess.
No one ever goes there.’
I glance at the clock on the dashboard.
‘I really should get going. Do you have your
bike?’
‘No I walked here.’
‘I can’t drive you there.’
‘Yeah I know. But listen,’ he says, leaning over
to push his hand into my crotch. ‘Meet me in the gym at lunch?’
‘All right,’ I say, removing his hand. ‘I’ll see
you later, Paul.’
He is all smiles now and he almost leaps from
the car. He does a little dance, hopping on one leg and then doing that cowboy
swagger of his. I laugh and he turns back to check that I am. He winks at me
and I watch him bound down the sidewalk and around the corner. Out of
nervousness I check my make-up in the rear view mirror. Of course it is as
immaculate as when I left the house. I don’t normally wear so much but today I
felt like hiding behind it. I can’t explain why. Probably because I still feel
like I’ve got adulterer written across my forehead. Every time Luke spends just
a fraction of a second longer looking at me I start to sweat. It makes me want
to tell him, just so I don’t have to fear getting caught.
I roll my eyes at my reflection and shift into
reverse. Then I spend the entire journey planning what I’ll say to Luke. And
imagining his reaction.
***
When I get to English on Friday Abby is standing
by the window, just like she was that first day of school. She’s the only one
in the room and I reckon I’ve got about thirty seconds before everyone else
catches up, so I head straight over there and rest my hand on the curve of her
butt cheek.
‘Hi,’ I say, leaning into her ear.
She forgets herself and moves her face to kiss
me.
Then I hear someone cough behind us.
‘You guys need to watch it,’ says Matt from the
doorway. He looks behind him and flicks his hand quickly. ‘The others are
coming.’
Abby shakes her head and steps away from me. I
watch as she smoothes down her skirt and sets her face to teacher mode.
I hate having to see her like this, here at
school where I can’t touch her, or kiss her, or take her on the desk. But I
guess I won’t have to worry about that for much longer.
‘This is my last English class here,’ I say to
no one in particular as Reggie and some of the girls wander in.
‘Why are you leaving now, Paul?’ asks Melanie
with a screwed up face. ‘It doesn’t make any sense. We’re almost finished
school anyway.’
I shrug. ‘It’s my father’s idea.’
‘The worst one he’s had yet,’ says Reggie,
slapping me on the back.
‘Yeah. We’ll miss you,’ says Sarah.
I can’t tell if she is joking or not.
I look over at Abby. Her face is still set
straight but I can tell she is fighting to keep it together. It’s the same face
she pulls when she’s about to come. She always tries to hold off until the
sensation is too intense and then she let’s herself succumb to it. I work at
getting that reaction out of her. Like yesterday in the gym; I had to pull out
some of my best work. It was hard trying to balance against the door of the
toilet stall but I got her there, eventually.