Run to Me (20 page)

I never thought I’d be capable of this. I used
to judge people like me and I even made Nadine swear on her life that she would
tell me if she ever found out Luke was cheating. I’ve always been adamant that
no matter how much I loved Luke, if he betrayed me I would leave him on the
spot. No second chances.

Tears well up now. I pull some paper towel from
the roll and dab my face. Behind me I hear Paul collecting his things from the
floor and pulling on his jeans. I don’t turn around. After a minute or two he
comes up behind me and tentatively wraps his arms around my waist.

‘Is this OK?’ he whispers in my ear.

My brain is screaming ‘No’, but my skin is
prickling under his touch and I can feel the trembles starting up. The tears
flow down my face but I’m crying for a different reason now. It’s not guilt or
shame, it’s that feeling of excitement, of being overwhelmed; that this boy can
make my heart beat faster and my stomach do flips. And as much as I know this
is wrong, a part of me wants him to never let me go.

***

We sit on the couch and Abby cries into my
shoulder. I want to say something to make her feel better but I’ve never been
good at this stuff. Instead I just sit in silence, rubbing her hair and letting
her cry on me. Amanda and I once had a huge fight because she reckoned I didn’t
know how to comfort her. She said she just wanted me to shut the hell up and
hold her. So that’s what I do now. I don’t know if that’s what Abby wants but I
figure women can’t be too different, can they?

After a few minutes she blows her nose loudly
and looks up at me. Her eyes are all red and she’s left a wet patch on my T-shirt.
I smile at her and bite my tongue. I don’t want to be the one to break the
silence and besides, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say now anyway.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says, rubbing the wet patch on
my shoulder.

‘Don’t worry about it.’

‘You shouldn’t have to sit here and listen to me
cry. I bet I’ve turned you right off now haven’t I?’

‘Come on. What do you take me for?’

She smirks at me and blows her nose again. ‘You’re
a seventeen-year-old boy, Paul.’

‘So? That doesn’t mean I can’t handle some
crying from time to time.’

‘But this isn’t...we’re not...oh God, who knows
what we are.’

I keep my mouth shut here. If that’s one thing
I’ve learnt, you can never answer the ‘what are we to each other’ question with
satisfaction.

‘I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend, you
know.’

‘I know.’

‘This is really complicated. I mean, for God’s
sake, what we’ve done is illegal.’

‘I’m not a kid.’

‘No. But I’m your teacher. It’s just wrong.’

I can see where this is headed. I don’t want her
to call it quits before it’s even really started. I can’t have her think that
those two times are all I’ve got to offer.  

I change the subject. ‘When did you start
running?’ I ask, folding my arms across my chest to keep from trying to touch
her.

She takes a while to answer. I wonder if she is
trying to decide whether or not to bother with me.

 ‘In high school. Not competitively. I just somehow
fell in to it. One day I was out walking in the paddocks near my house and I
just starting running. It was weird. But it felt so good that I kept it up.’

‘What’s it like doing a half-marathon?’

She laughs. ‘Torture. That’s the only word to
describe it. I don’t even know why I kept going back for more. I’ve done five
but not for a while now.’

‘Why’d you stop? Did you get an injury?’

She looks off towards the kitchen.

‘Luke and I were trying for a...umm...’ She
stops and shakes her head. She turns back to me. ‘What about you?’

‘Well you know already. It’s been about five
years I suppose.’

‘Yes, but why did you start?’

‘Gave me a reason to get out of the house.’

The words hang in the air because she doesn’t
say anything. I’m surprised I said that. I don’t normally talk about The Chief,
except with Matt, but Abby’s got some way about her. Stuff just fires out of me
when I’m around her.

‘Why are things so bad between you and your
father?’

‘I’ve told you before. The Chief thinks I’m
soft.’

‘Yes, but why would he treat you that way? When
did all this start?’

‘I don’t know. It’s been like this as far back
as I can remember. I must have done something to him, but I don’t know what the
hell it was.’

She looks me straight in the eye and cups my
face with her hands. ‘Paul, sometimes people treat us badly, but that doesn’t
mean we asked for it.’

I nod. ‘I know.’

‘No. Listen. This is not your fault. Your father
does love you.’

‘I know,’ I say, and try to shake her hands off
me. This is why I don’t talk about The Chief. People can’t help themselves.
Everyone’s got an opinion. Everyone tries to analyse why, tries to explain. But
there’s nothing to explain. He wishes I was never born and there’s nothing I
can do about it.

‘I know,’ I say again and she moves her hands
away.

She looks at me for a long time then she
smoothes down her shirt and stands up.

‘Are you hungry?’ she asks.

‘Sure.’

I follow her to the kitchen. She looks away as
she passes the section of bench from last night. I stand to the opposite side
of it and lean back on the fridge.

‘So that race is in a few weeks, right?’

She’s washing her hands in the sink. ‘Yes. How
do you think you’ll do?’ she says over her shoulder.

‘All right. I can run ten kilometres no
worries.’

‘Hmm. Yeah I think I’ll be OK too.’

‘So you are going to run?’

She steps over and shoos me away from the
fridge. ‘Of course. Did you think I’d make you and Matt do it alone?’

‘Will your husband be there?’

She is rummaging in the fridge and she doesn’t
stop. ‘Yes,’ she says from behind the door.

‘Does he always watch your runs?’

‘Stop.’

‘What?’

‘Stop asking about Luke.’

She dumps a load of tomatoes and ham on the
bench and turns back to get the butter. I can see the wet in her eyes and I
know I’m on thin ice. I don’t know why I’m asking about him. I suppose I’m
curious. I want to know what he did wrong, why she’s here with me.

‘I’m sorry. I’m just curious. I mean, what’s so
bad about him?’

She frowns at me. ‘Why do you think there’s
something bad?’

I shrug. ‘Well...’ I begin.

She waves her hand to interrupt me.

‘I’ve been with Luke for seven years. Most of
those have been great. But things change. People grow apart.’

I know the question I really want to ask but I
think she’d probably slap me. I keep my mouth shut and watch as she butters the
bread and starts to cut up the tomatoes. I clench my teeth to stop the words pouring
out but it’s no good. I’ve just got to know.

I walk over to the bar stools so I’m out of her
range. Seems like the best idea, especially when she’s got hold of that knife. I
shove my hands deep into my pockets and clear my throat to get her attention.

‘Is he a good fuck?’

She stops chopping and looks at me. I wait for
the explosion but she just stares. Then she starts laughing. And it’s one of
those belly laughs that comes up from your gut. She’s laughing so hard her eyes
well up again. I let out a couple of snorts but I can’t laugh full on. I’m too
anxious to hear her answer.

‘How long have you wanted to ask me that?’

‘Umm...since forever.’

‘I figured. Umm. I don’t really know how to
answer that. I’m not sure what you’re hoping to hear.’

I shrug, but I think it’s pretty obvious.

‘Sex with Luke is very nice. It’s lovely.’

Lovely? Nice? Sounds pretty piss weak to me. I
watch as she gets back to her chopping. She’s still smiling and shaking her
head. I think back over last night and the image of her naked arse in front of
me sends a force of blood to my groin.  

I look her up and down. I
know
I can give
her something better than ‘nice’. She notices me staring at her and she smiles.

‘What are you up to?’ she asks.

I walk over to her and grab her by the waist.
Before she has time to react I push my hand down the front of her trousers and
right into her knickers. Over and over in my head I’m saying ‘just find the
right spot, just find the right spot.’ I search amongst the hair for the warm
flesh and then I feel a bit of wetness on my finger. I know that’s it so I push
into her and she gasps. I feel around inside her, my fingers pushing in and
out. She falls back against the fridge and digs her nails into my shoulder.

‘Paul,’ she says in a whisper.

Sixteen

I ask Paul to leave on Saturday night. I don’t
want to risk Luke coming home early. I know the likelihood is pretty slim; when
Luke gets into his work not even I can drag him away. Regardless, I’d prefer
not to put myself in the firing line. What I don’t tell Paul is that I plan on
spending the entire day on Sunday scrubbing the house down. I know I can’t
really wash away what I’ve done, but I can try.

‘So when will I see you next?’ asks Paul as he’s
pulling on his shoes.

‘At school. On Monday.’

‘You know what I mean.’

‘And you know what I mean. Luke is back
tomorrow. Reality is back tomorrow.’

‘So let me stay tonight then.’

He’s grinning at me sheepishly.

‘Haven’t you had enough of me yet?’ I ask.

‘Yeah right. I’ve only gotten started.’

I smile and he leans in to kiss me. I shake my
head.

‘See you,’ I say, opening the front door.

He smirks at me, playfully.

‘Yeah. OK,’ he says, backing out the door. ‘Bye,
Abby.’

Once he’s gone I head straight for the shower.
This time I scrub myself hard under the hot water. As much as I try not to, I
can’t help thinking about Paul going down on me in the kitchen. I realise how
much I’ve grown used to Luke and the fact that he won’t go near me in that way,
because when Paul pulled my trousers off and brought his mouth to me I was
surprised. Luke is just so adamant that he detests it so after seven years
without any, I’d almost forgotten it was something people did to each other.

I hurry through my shower and then strip the bed
in the spare room. The image of our naked bodies, together, keeps penetrating
my thoughts. I wish, for the first time, that we hadn’t done this all here.
Everywhere I look I see Paul. I won’t ever be able to escape what I’ve done in
my own home.

After I throw the sheets in the wash I scrub the
kitchen benches until my forearm hurts. I do feel better, though, now that he’s
gone. The terror in my stomach, the squeezing, has subsided. I know I lose all
strength when Paul is within reach of me. I wanted him to leave this morning
and yet, when he took me in his arms as I was crying I welcomed the embrace.
Even now that I’m alone, with the constant turmoil melting away, a part of me
still wishes he was here.

At eight o’clock, after I’ve eaten dinner and
drunk half a bottle of wine, the doorbell rings. When I open it to find Nadine
on the other side I feel a stab of disappointment. I’d hoped it was Paul.

‘How are you?’ says Nadine, pulling me into a
hug.

‘I’m OK. What’s going on?’

‘Nothing,’ she says, pushing past me to dump her
shoes and bag on the floor. ‘I just figured you’d be alone tonight. Thought we
could catch up.’

The minute I close the front door I know I’m
going to tell her. I had no intention of telling anyone but I’ve got the wine
shooting through my veins now and it always makes my tongue loose. Still, I’m
not sure how she’ll take it and the idea scares me.

‘What have you been up to?’ she asks, helping
herself to a glass of wine.

‘Not much. How was your day?’

‘Crappy. I’ve had my brother on the phone all
day, whinging about his job and everything else in his life.’

I nod and take a sip of wine. This is good,
maybe if I keep Nadine talking about herself we can avoid me altogether.

‘Isn’t he with that girl anymore?’ I ask.

‘Who knows? One minute they’re on, the next
they’re off. I swear it’s like a soap opera with those two.’

I laugh. ‘So why does he hate his job?’

She waves her hand in front of my face and
shakes her head. ‘I’ve had enough of him for one day. Let’s talk about
something else.’

I fold my arms and pinch the skin in my armpit
to stop from blurting it all out. I rack my brain to think of another subject
but all I can picture is Paul’s head between my legs.

‘This is ridiculous,’ I mutter.

‘What?’

Nadine is looking at me with her eyebrows up.
She takes a swig of wine and smirks. ‘What’s ridiculous?’

‘Nothing,’ I shake my head. ‘I just can’t
believe I’m on the wine again. You should have seen my hangover yesterday.’

‘Did you and Luke go out on Thursday?’

‘He did. I was just drinking here.’

She laughs. ‘The first sign of alcoholism...’

‘Yeah I know. But it wasn’t like that. I was
trying to make sense of things.’

I shake my head at my own audacity. She’s got to
pick up on something now.

Nadine looks at me and frowns. ‘Abby, what’s
going on? Is everything OK with Luke?’

‘Is everything
ever
OK with Luke?’

Now I’ve really got her curious.

‘What do you mean?’ she asks.

I know this is the wine talking, that all my
issues with Luke are much better left alone. But lately, I suppose with my
desire for Paul, all the niggly things that bother me with Luke have broken to
the surface and I can’t ignore them anymore.

‘I know I married him because it was the next
logical step in our relationship, you know? I mean, we’d been together for
years, I loved him, so why not? I wanted my future to be with him. I wanted the
whole family life, and it was him I wanted to share those things with. There
was never any doubt in my mind how much I loved him. It seemed like the most
natural thing in the world and our relationship just seemed to
flow
.’

I can tell Nadine is confused by my sudden
outburst, but she simply nods and says ‘OK.’

‘But now, it’s like I want something more, you
know? Like the relationship we do have doesn’t seem to fit me anymore. I don’t
know if I’ve changed, or he’s changed. I just know that the things I used to
love about our relationship just don’t seem to cut it anymore.’

‘Abby, what’s brought this on? You haven’t
talked about Luke like this for a long time. I thought everything was great
between you both now?’

I up end the dregs of my wine into my mouth.  

‘It’s not really about Luke.’

‘What do you mean?’

I look at her. Nadine and I have known each
other since we were kids. If I can’t trust her to understand, who can I?

‘It’s about someone else. There is...someone
else.’

For a moment it’s like I’ve spoken in Chinese. I
know she is struggling to comprehend what I’ve just revealed. I reach over and
take her hand.

‘Nade, I slept with someone else.’

She looks at me and nods, but says nothing.

‘It’s just happened. I don’t even know what it
means yet. I haven’t had time to process it all.’

She looks around the room and off into the
kitchen. For a second I swear she must be able to see Paul and me going at it
on the bench, but then she turns back to me.

‘He’s been here? Today?’

I nod slowly.

We sit in silence for a long time. Nadine hasn’t
asked me who he is and I don’t know whether to tell her. She might be able to
understand an affair with a man, but one of my students? I’m not sure she’d
take that well.

‘Will you tell Luke?’ she asks finally.

‘I don’t know. Like I said, I haven’t thought
about it.’

‘I’ll say.’

‘Don’t do that. Don’t judge me. Please, Nade, I
need you on my side here.’

‘I’m sorry. You know I am. But I just don’t get
it Abby. You’ve always been so adamant about cheating. You always said...’

‘I know what I said, but things just happen. I
can’t change it.’

‘So that’s it with this other man? You won’t be
seeing him again?’

‘I didn’t say that.’

‘Abby! Are you really planning to ruin your
marriage over...what? Sex with someone else?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I can’t believe you. I think it would be stupid
to throw away seven years of partnership.’

‘Even if it’s not working out? You’d banish me
to a life with the wrong man just because I married him? People do get divorced
you know.’

‘So you’d really get divorced and run off with
this other man?’

‘I didn’t say anything about running off. I just
wonder if maybe Luke and I should call it a day. Clearly, I’m not satisfied.
Maybe he isn’t either.’

‘You can work at having a satisfying sex life.’

‘Thank you, doctor.’

Nadine opens her mouth to chide me, but thinks
better of it. We sit in silence some more. The wine has given me a headache,
and this diatribe is wearing thin. I just want to curl up in bed and wish the
last two days away.

‘I’m tired. I’m going to go to bed.’

I drag myself up off the couch and carry our
empty wine glasses into the kitchen. Nadine is right at my heels.

‘Do you want me to stay over?’

I think about the spare bed and last night’s
antics.

‘No, thanks. I’m fine. I just need to sleep.
Luke will be home tomorrow.’

I don’t know why I’ve said that. Maybe to try
and placate her, to prove I haven’t lost my mind completely. Luke is still my
husband and he’ll be the only man walking through that front door tomorrow.

‘I’m sorry if I jumped down your throat before.
You just kind of took me by surprise.’

‘OK.’

‘You know I’m here for you, right?’

‘Yes.’

She pulls me into a hug.

‘I’ll call you tomorrow,’ she says.

‘All right. Speak to you then.’

As I watch Nadine walk to her car I realise I’ve
only spilt half the story and I really don’t know what will happen to me when
the other half surfaces.

***

When I get home The Chief is on the couch with a
blanket over his legs and an empty beer can by his side. I’m pretty sure he’s
not supposed to be drinking so soon after surgery but he can be an angry old
bastard if he doesn’t get his own way. Mum is too scared of him to bother
fighting. Maybe that is why he hates me so much. I’m the only one who even
tries to stand up to him around here.

‘Where have you been?’ he asks me as I try to
sneak past.

‘Matt’s.’

I move to climb the stairs to the bathroom but
he must have caught a look at my face because he stops me.

‘Hold it.’

‘I’ve got to take a shower.’

‘Get your arse in here.’

I consider making a run for it, he can’t chase
me after all, but it sounds like I’m in enough shit as it is.

‘What?’ I say, keeping my head down.

‘What happened to your face? Who have you been
fighting?’

‘No one.’

‘Look at me.’

I shake my head.

‘Look at me, dammit.’

I take a deep breath and lift my head.

‘Fighting no one you reckon? Well how’d you get
those shiners? Football to the head?’

He starts laughing at himself. At least someone
thinks he’s funny.

I don’t say anything.

‘Well? Who was it? Surely you haven’t been
fighting your old chum Matt? No. I think we’d be visiting you in the hospital
if you’d come up against him.’

I smirk. He thinks he knows everything. McFadden
is double the size of Matt and look how I pulled up after a go with him.

‘What’s so funny, huh?’

‘Nothing. It’s just that it wasn’t Matt. It was
someone twice his size.’

His eyes narrow. He’s probably wondering whether
to believe me or not.

‘Oh really? And why were you fighting this bloke
who’s twice the size of Matt?’

‘He had it coming.’

I see the edge of a smile on his lips but he
quickly straightens himself out.

‘That’s no excuse, Paul.’

I shrug. I don’t know what he wants from me. He
goes off at me all the time for being soft and the moment I get into a fight
he’s pulling me up for it.

‘Can I go now?’

‘Sure. Have your shower. And then you’ll stay in
your room for the rest of the weekend. And you’ll come straight home from
school for the next two weeks. That is except for the days you’ll be helping
Mike down at the site.’

‘What? No way.’

‘Yes. Unfortunately for you, with me out they’ll
need all the help they can get. We’re only a few weeks into this new place and
we’ve got a schedule to keep.’

‘That’s not my problem.’

‘Oh yes it is. Because I’m making it your
problem.’

‘This isn’t fair. And besides, I’ve got running
after school, and homework and stuff.’

‘When have you ever cared about homework?’