Road Trip (12 page)

Speaking of rushes, I am really looking forward
to seeing Jeremy again. But more than ever now, I know I'll have to be very careful not to show my feelings. I feel bad that I lied to Laura and Allie, and yet I'm not sure how I could've handled it better. I don't think it would do anyone a bit of good to know that Tve got a thing for Jeremy Baxter. Besides, it's probably just one of those schoolgirl crushes that should go away in time. Sigh…

Mostly, I need to stay focused on my music and songwriting and, of course and foremost, God. Thatfs enough to keep me busy—and out of trouble.

(FLAT IN INDIANAPOLIS)

Redemption's portion of last night's concert felt a little flat to me, not musically speaking since I'm sure we were on key, but something about it felt slightly off. As usual, we prayed before the concert. And the audience responded positively. If they noticed anything amiss, they sure didn't show it.

Allie gave a brief testimony afterward, sharing about how she once believed that Wicca was the answer for her, but she was only disappointed by it in the end, and the crowd appeared to be genuinely moved. But the concert, or our part in it, still felt less than great to me.

Jeremy spied me looking a little glum after we finished signing CDs and asked what was wrong.

“I don't know.” I shook my head. “But I just don't think we were very good tonight.”

“We as in everyone?”

“No,” I assured him. “I mean we as in Redemption. I don't think we played as well as we should.”

“You girls sounded great.”

But I think he was just trying to be nice. I think we sounded blah, dull, flat. In my mind, something was definitely missing. I just couldn't put my finger on what.

“Sometimes it's hard to get back into the
groove after being home for a few days,” he told me as we gathered our stuff backstage.

“It didn't sound like you guys were having any problem,” I said.

Michael laughed. “Hey, it didn't sound like you girls were having any problem either. Don't be so tough on yourself, Chloe.”

Jeremy patted me on the back. “It's okay. I know exactly how you feel. These guys are always telling me that I'm our worst critic.”

“You and Chloe,” added Allie. “She's always harping at us to try harder, play better. Sometimes I think she should carry a whip.”

Jeremy grinned. “It's just the way we're wired. Right, Chloe?”

I nodded. “Yeah, blame it on God.”

And I didn't mean that in a bad way. I only meant that God really has made us all differently. And that's cool. It'd be pretty boring if we were all alike. And I'm sure our music would sound awful.

(THE PITS IN PITTSBURGH)

Something is wrong with Laura. I can feel it in my bones. But no one else seems to be noticing. So today I decided to ask her what's up. We're staying at a hotel until our concert on Wednesday. So after practice today, since Allie had promised to watch Davie while Elise went to get a haircut, I invited Laura to get some lunch with me. We made sure we had a good supply of Mickey D-bucks in our pockets since I felt fairly certain we'd get sp'anged within a few feet of the hotel. And we did. Laura got to do the giving, but I got to tell the girl that Jesus loved her and had a better plan for her life.

We decided to go to a sushi bar. Thanks to the influence of Iron Cross, all three of us have acquired a taste for sushi lately. And believe me, it's an acquired taste. It took Allie three times before she could eat raw fish without gagging. Ifow she acts as if she's been eating sushi since infancy.

After we finished our food, I requested a refill on my iced tea and then asked Laura how she was feeling.

“Huh?” She looked at me funny. “What do you mean?”

I stirred the ice with my straw. “I mean, how are you feeling? Everything okay?”

She frowned. “Yeah. Why?.”

“I don't know, Laura. You just seem different.”

“Different, like how?”

I took a deep breath and prayed a silent prayer. I wasn't quite sure how to say what I wanted to say. “Well, you seem more moody than you used to be.”

She shrugged. “Like Willy says, touring can bring out the worst in people.”

I nodded. “I know. It's not easy for any of us.”

“It seems to be easy for you and Allie. You guys always appear to be on top of things. Looks like I'm the one who's always messing stuff up.”

“You don't mess stuff up.”

“Then why are you sitting here telling me I'm moody?”

“Because I think something is wrong, Laura.”

Now she looked directly at me. “What do you think is wrong?”

“Honestly?”

“Yeah, honestly. What do you think is wrong, Chloe?”

“Okay, I know this might sound silly. But I've wondered if you might be, uh, well…” Suddenly I didn't think I could say the words aloud. I mean,
it would sound perfectly ridiculous.

“What?” she demanded.

I sighed deeply. “Okay, let me explain something.”

“l'ine,” she said with obvious exasperation. “Go ahead and explain.”

“Well, right before Thanksgiving, after we got home, I accidentally knocked Allie's prescription bottle, the one for her Ritalin, out of the medicine cabinet in the bus.” I paused to study Laura's reaction, and I'm certain I saw a flash of something in her eyes. Was it fear or simply indignation? I'm still not entirely sure.

“Anyway,” I continued. “I noticed the bottle was empty, and I just figured that Allie had been taking her Ritalin pills again.”

Laura had a blank expression now, as if she'd pulled a curtain over her face. “And?”

“But Allie said she hadn't.”

“So?”

“So, I thought it was odd that the bottle was empty.”

“What are you saying, Chloe? Are you accusing me of taking Allie's Ritalin pills?”

“Nooo.” I looked out the window, suddenly wishing I'd never brought this up. “But it occurred to me that you've been acting differently. You don't seem like you used to be.”

“Hey, we've all changed. You can't do something
like this concert tour without changing, Chloe.”

“Yeah, I know. But you seem more changed than anyone, Laura. And I just thought it was possible that-”.

“That I've become a drug addict? That I would steal Allie's pills?” She stood up now and fumbled to find money for the bill. “I can't believe you. I thought you were my friend.”

“I am your friend. That's why I'm having this conversation with you.” I set a ten on the table and followed Laura to the exit.

She paused with her hand on the door, then turned to me with a hurt expression. “You know how I feel about drugs.”

“I know; I know.”

“Then why are you doing this to me?”

“I'm just worried about you.”

“Am I messing up when we perform?”

“Ifo.”

“Am I falling apart?”

I shook my head.

“Then why?”

I put my hand on her shoulder. “Look, I'm sorry, Laura. I know it was stupid of me to think that. But you know what happened to my brother, and even your sister. I know that drugs are real and they can really mess you up.” I noticed a group of kids hanging on the corner across the
Street. I don't like to judge, but just the way they were huddled together, looking sort of down and out and basically burnt, just seemed to suggest drugs. “Look at those guys over there.”

She glanced across the street, then turned back to me with a sour scowl. “Are you suggesting that I'm like them?”

“Ifo, that's not what I mean. I'm just saying that it can happen to anyone. I'm guessing every one of those kids used to be a normal kid like us, like my brother Caleb and your sister. But I'm guessing that somewhere along the line they might've got hooked on dope. And now it's probably destroying their whole lives.”

“What makes you such an expert, Chloe?”

“I'm not. But I guess I'm trying to understand it better, and Willy has explained some things…” But I quit talking when I realized she was tuning me out.

Laura had already started walking back toward the hotel. “You can believe whatever you want,” she called over her shoulder. “But I am not like them. I am not an addict. And I am hurt that you would think that of me.”

I hurried to catch her and apologized all the way back to the hotel. By the time we reached the lobby, I felt lower than the snuf fed-out cigarette butt that the doorman was removing from the entryway carpet.

“l'ine. G11 forgive you, Chloe.” Laura pushed the floor number in the elevator without looking at me. “As long as you never bring this up again.”

I looked down at the floor. “Believe me, I won't.”

So now I not only feel like a total jerk but a complete fool as well. I can't believe that I actually thought I was doing the right thing to ask her about this. And maybe I was, since the Bible tells us to go directly to anyone we have a problem with. Pastor Tony has taught this numerous times. But somehow it just didn't work today.

(BUFFALO BLAHS)

Okay, even Willy said he thinks something was missing in our performance last night. I know I was feeling down and consequently not playing my best. It's like there's a wall between Laura and me now. And Allie is sort of stuck in the middle, so I'm sure she's not doing her best either. Fortunately, the crowd didrft seem to notice anything. But then they've never heard us when we're really hot. Besides, Iron Gross is supposed to be the star of the show. Believe me, they were last night. A huge relief. I almost think they do better when we play badly, but that could just be me.

Anyway, after Willy took us to church this morning, he asked if he could have a meeting after our practice this afternoon. I should mention that we don't usually practice on Sundays since it's supposed to be our day of rest. But sometimes, like if we've played badly or have a big concert coming up, we go ahead and practice and try to make sure we have some downtime later.

So after practice, Willy set some bags of chips
and some cans of sodas on the table in the practice room. “So how do you girls think you sounded last night?”

I just groaned and grabbed a soda.

“Pretty cruddy,” said Allie.

Laura didn't say anything.

“I don't like to criticize, but it feels as though something isn't working,” he continued as he pulled up a chair. “Like something is missing.” His eyes moved over the three of us, as if looking for clues.

“Well, I agree,” I said. “Something is definitely missing.”

“What is it?” He leaned back in his chair and waited for someone to respond, but no one did.

“Are you girls getting along all right?” he finally asked.

“I don't know…” I glanced over at Laura who seemed to be having a silent vigil.

“It's been kinda different lately.” Allie looked at me and then Laura. “I think something's bugging those two.”

Willy nodded. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I'm sure not enjoying the way things are going right now.”

“How about you, Laura?” he asked. “Willing to talk?”

She shrugged. “I guess.”

I decided to lay my cards on the table, “First of
all,” I began slowly. “I guess I should say that this is probably all ray fault.” Although, to be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure that's completely true. Still, it seemed a good place for me to start. And hopefully it would put Laura at ease.

“How's that?” asked Willy.

“Well, I sort of hurt Laura's feelings last week. I told her I was sorry and everything, but I think she might still be feeling bad about it.” I said this without looking at Laura.

“What'd you do?” asked Allie with her typical wide-eyed curiosity, which some might mistake for nosiness. But when you know Allie, you can be fairly certain that it's really just concern.

I glanced at Laura, and she was doing her stone impression again. Just staring at the chips and sodas splayed across the table as if they were really fascinating.

I took in a deep breath, unsure of how much I should say. “I made sort of an accusation.” I could tell by the sharp glint in Laura's eyes that she didn't want to go there.

“What kind of accusation?” asked Willy. Then he cleared his throat. “The only reason I'm asking is because you girls are like a family, and there's no point in keeping secrets from anyone. We need to get stuff out into the open, you know what I mean?”

I nodded. “I guess so. I just don't want to make
Laura feel bad all over again.”

Willy turned to Laura. “Are you okay with this?”

She just rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”

So I repeated pretty much what I'd said to Laura about how she seemed different and how Allie's Ritalin pills were gone.

“Oh, yeah,” said Allie. “I remember you mentioned that at Thanksgiving. I meant to ask Mom about it, but everything got so busy.”

“So you didrft take the pills, Allie?” Willy asked.

“Ito, Tve told you how much I hate taking them. And I thought I'd been doing better at keeping myself calm.” She frowned. “Don't you think I've been doing better?”