Relentless (23 page)

She looked up, tears pooling in her beautiful blue eyes, and he knew this was as difficult for her as it was for him. “I don’t think that would be a good idea. It would just make it harder…”

He pressed his lips to hers, effectively silencing her. Walking away now would be the smartest thing either of them could do, but he couldn’t find the strength he needed to let her go. No matter the outcome, he wanted her in his bed again. He wanted to know the satisfaction of having her wake up in his arms, even if the bittersweet memory was destined to torture him every morning for the rest of his days.

She pulled back, looking into his eyes as though she was hoping to find the answer to their quandary. “Okay,” she whispered, finally.

Framing her face with his hands, he said, “You mean it? You’ll come home with me tonight?”

Her eyes fell to his lips before travelling over his face, as though she were trying to memorize every minute detail. “It’s probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna regret it, but…”

He waited for her to continue. When she didn’t, he said, “But?”

“I’m afraid if I didn’t, I’d kick myself for not taking advantage of the opportunity.” She smiled. “Who knows how long it’ll be before another hot cowboy propositions me?”

He knew fans and admirers must proposition her every day via email, in person, and on social networking sites. The more fame she garnered, the more intense it would become, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to stop the avalanche. “Damn it, I want you to be mine,” he said, his voice getting lost in the intensity of what he was feeling for her, what he felt desperate and helpless to convey.

She stroked his bristly cheek, smiling. “If I were able to give myself to just one man right now, you know you would be the one, don’t you?”

He closed his eyes, absorbing the feel of her touch. He knew this memory would have to be enough to satisfy him during the long, restless nights ahead. “I don’t wanna let you go,” he said, touching his forehead to hers.

She traced his lips with her fingertip. “When I’m with you, I don’t wanna go, and that’s the problem, J.T. Having a career in music is the only thing I’ve ever wanted, ever since I was a little girl. You make me lose focus. I forget about my goals when I’m with you.” Her eyes fell to the middle of his chest as she said, “I start thinking all kinds of crazy thoughts.”

He tipped her chin with his finger, forcing her to look him in the eye. “Tell me what you think about. I need to hear you say it.”

She hesitated, biting her bottom lip, before she finally said, “I think about making love to you, falling asleep and waking up in your arms every day…”

He brushed his lips against her cheek, reveling in the sweet sound of her voice. “Go on.”

“You make me think about settling down, having babies…” She released a frustrated sigh. “But that wasn’t part of the plan. That can’t be part of the plan, not if I wanna make it in this business. That’s why you’re so dangerous, like poison seeping into my veins and stealing my will to achieve my goals.”

He hated that she thought of him that way, but he understood it. He knew he was using her attraction to him to wear down her defenses and that wasn’t fair. But he didn’t play fair, he played to win, and losing her wasn’t an outcome he could live with. Every minute that passed, every sweet word she uttered, solidified it in his mind. He was in love with this woman, and no matter how wrong or selfish it may seem, he couldn’t live with himself if he let her go.

Chapter Fifteen

The drive back to J.T.’s house was long and quiet. There was so much Nikki wanted to say, but she couldn’t find the words to express herself. Ironic, given she made her living conveying her thoughts and feelings to millions of people through her songs. Yet, this one brooding cowboy left her speechless.

She knew he was hurt and angry, though he had too much pride to admit it. For her, their relationship, if it could be called that, was difficult to understand, impossible to explain, and she suspected he felt the same way. Even though it had only been a few days since they made love in Vegas, it felt like she had been with him a lot longer, as though she were being forced to say good-bye to a long-time lover. She assumed it was because she’d spent so much time fantasizing about the man over the years. It was as though he had actually been a part of her life all that time, which was crazy, but it was the only way she could explain the way she felt about him now.

“Why’re you so quiet all of a sudden, sugar?” he asked, gripping the steering wheel. “As if I didn’t know.”

Trying to lighten the mood, she chuckled. “Fate sure has a strange sense of humor, doesn’t it?” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye, but the cloak of darkness in the cab of the truck made it impossible to read his expression.

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know. We’ve been attracted to each other for a long time, we finally hook up, and the timing couldn’t be worse.”

He shook his head, his hand clenching and releasing the steering wheel. “Yeah, fate’s a bitch all right.”

She reached across the seat, resting her hand on his thigh. “I meant what I said earlier. I think you’re a great guy. If things were different, if I didn’t have my music…”

He brought her hand to his face, turning it over to press his lips to her palm. “It’s okay, darlin’. You don’t have to sugarcoat this for me. Your career comes first; I get it.”

Her music did come first in her life, always had and always would. She didn’t feel she should have to apologize for that, yet the gnawing sensation in her gut felt an awful lot like guilt, or maybe it was regret for what would never be. “It’s just so damn frustrating,” she said, quietly. “I have feelings for you…”

He pulled up to a stop sign, and his eyes were suddenly discernible under the glow of the streetlamp when he turned to look at her. “I’ve never felt like this about a woman before in my life,” he said quietly. “Hell, I didn’t think I was capable of feelin’ this way. You stormed into my life like a goddamn hurricane and you’re gonna roll out again, leavin’ me to pick up the pieces.”

She hated the raw pain she saw reflected in his eyes. If she’d had any doubt about his sincerity before, she didn’t now. What he felt for her was real. Those other women, the buckle bunnies who entertained him on the road, were just that, entertainment. This thing between them was the real deal. Whether it fit into her carefully laid plans or not, she was in love with this man. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered. “I don’t know how to make this any easier.”

He stomped on the gas, the dirt and gravel on the country road flying through the air in the wake of his big truck. “There’s nothin’ you can say. It is what it is, right?”

She didn’t know how to bridge the gap between them, but she didn’t want their last night together to be filled with bitterness and resentment. “Can you do me a favor?”

He stared straight ahead, his jaw flexing. “What?”

“Can we just put everything aside for tonight? I mean, my career, the tour, everything. I just want to enjoy being with you. If this is the last night we have together, I don’t want to waste it arguing. Do you?”

“This ain’t gonna be our last night together, sugar. I can promise you that.”

She wanted to believe him; she wanted to hold out hope that he would still feel the same way six months from now when she returned for a break before going back out on the road, but she was a realist. Men like J.T. McCall didn’t go six days, much less six months, without a woman warming their bed. Like most cities, Nashville had their fair share of buckle bunnies, and being a world champion bull rider made J.T. the ultimate prize. Even when he was just another retired rodeo star, she knew women would still flock to him. He had that special quality, not just the chiseled body, or dark, brooding good looks; he was the complete package.

Was she crazy to walk away from him? What if he was serious about settling down, finding his soul mate? What if he found that while she spent the rest of her life waiting to find another man who could make her feel what she was feeling for him now? It was a hell of a risk to take, but she couldn’t see another alternative.

“What’s wrong? You don’t believe me?” he asked, pulling into the long driveway leading to his log cabin.

“I want to believe you,” she whispered, withdrawing her hand from his to settle it in her lap.

“Then believe me, believe in us, sweetheart.”

“You make it sound so easy, J.T.”

He got out of the truck, walking around to the passenger’s side. Opening the door, he shifted her body, wrapping her legs around his waist. “It doesn’t have to be as complicated as you seem to think, darlin’.”

“But…” He silenced her with a kiss, and she fell into it, as though she were freefalling from an airplane without a parachute. Fear, desperation, and excitement melded in their kiss as their tongues danced, each intent on giving and taking more than the other.

“Damn,” he said, breaking away. “If we don’t take this inside now, I just might take you right here on the front lawn.”

She loved that he was feeling as out of control as he made her feel. It was intoxicating, knowing that a lover’s touch could give her the same heady, uninhibited feeling as a smooth shot of scotch. He made her forget who she was, where she was. The only thing that mattered was dousing the inferno raging inside of her. “Make love to me,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I need to feel you on top of me, inside of me. I need you to make me forget everything else. Please.”

He pulled her forward, guiding her legs around his waist. He held her in a vice grip as he walked them to the door. His hot mouth was everywhere, searing her skin, stoking her arousal.

“God, I need you now,” she whimpered, throwing her head back, encouraging him to lick and taste every inch of exposed skin. What they’d shared in Vegas had been little more than two bodies coming together for the sake of mutual gratification, but she knew what was happening between them now went way beyond that. For her, it felt more intense than the first time a man’s hands explored her body, because this was the first time she’d ever been in love.

The urge to express her feelings for him was so strong, yet she knew if she uttered the words aloud there would be no turning back. So she had to bury the secret and use her body as her only means of communication. She only hoped that on some deeper level, he would be able to read her thoughts and know how profound this moment was for her, a turning point in her life. She was finally coming to realize that acknowledging her vulnerability and facing her fears didn’t make her weak; it made her strong and brave, and she knew she was drawing on his strength to make that leap possible.

Pushing the door open, he pressed her back to the wall, pinning her in place with the heavy weight of his body. “What’re you thinkin’ about, gorgeous?”

“I’m thinking about how brave you are,” she said, staring into his eyes, stroking his face.

“How so?”

“You stare death in the face every day on the back of those godforsaken bulls. Doesn’t it scare you, knowing you may not make it out alive?” She shuddered to think what it would do to her if he lost his life, being trampled by one of those massive creatures.

“Hey, you cold?” he asked, frowning.

She shook her head. “Not cold, just scared,” she whispered. “It’s not over for you yet, J.T. What if something happens to you? What if…”

He kissed her gently, a smile on his lips as he pulled away to look at her. “I love that you’re worried about me.” He chuckled. “Aside from my mama, I don’t think a woman has ever given a damn whether I made it outta there in one piece. As long as I was in the money and walked away with the top spot, that’s all they seemed to care about.”

She buried her face in his neck, hiding her face and her fears. “Then they were fools. Who the hell cares about the money or the accolades if you wind up in a hospital bed, or worse, a body bag?” She squeezed her eyes shut at the image her words evoked.

“Hey, baby,” he said, pulling her head back so he could see her face. “Relax, it is over for me. I’ll probably have one more ride to open the season, that’s it.”

“Still, one ride is all it takes. What if…”

“Sweetheart, I’ve been ridin’ those mean-ass beasts all my life. Not a one of ‘em has been able to get the best of me yet, and trust me, they’ve all tried.”