Authors: Mark Ravenhill
Lulu
Well. Thank you. Thanks.
Brian
And now: ‘Just a few more left. So dial this number now.’
Lulu
Just a few more left. So dial this number now.
Brian
Excellent. Natural. Professional. Excellent.
Lulu
I have had training.
Brian
So you’re . . . ?
Lulu
I’m, a trained actress.
Brian
writes down ‘trained actress
’.
Brian
I don’t recognize you.
Lulu
No? Well, probably not.
Brian
Do some for me now.
Lulu
You want me to . . . ?
Brian
I want to see you doing some acting.
Lulu
I didn’t realise. I haven’t prepared.
Brian
Come on. You’re an actress. You must be able to do some acting.
An actress – if she can’t do acting when she’s asked then what is she?
She’s nothing.
Lulu
Alright.
She stands up
.
I haven’t actually done this one before. In front of anyone.
Brian
Never mind. You’re doing it now.
Lulu
One day people will know what all this was for. All this suffering.
Brian
Take your jacket off.
Lulu
I’m sorry?
Brian
I’m asking you to take your jacket off. Can’t act with your jacket on.
Lulu
Actually, I find it helps.
Brian
In what way?
Lulu
The character.
Brian
Yes. But it’s not helping me. I’m here to assess your talents and you’re standing there acting in a jacket.
Lulu
I’d like to keep it on.
Brian
(
stands
) Alright. I’ll call the girl. Or maybe you remember the way.
Lulu
No.
Brian
What do you mean – no?
Lulu
I mean . . . please I’d like this job. I want to be considered for this job.
Brian
Then we’ll continue. Without the jacket. Yes?
Lulu
removes her jacket. Two chilled ready meals fall to the floor
.
Brian
Look at all this.
They both go to pick up the meals.
Brian
gets there first
.
Exotic.
Lulu
We’ve got really into them. That’s what we eat. For supper.
Brian
Did you pay for these?
Lulu
Yes.
Brian
Stuffed into your jacket. Did you pay for them?
Lulu
Yes.
Brian
Look me in the eyes. Did. You. Pay?
Lulu
No.
Brian
Stolen goods.
Lulu
We have to eat. We have to get by. I don’t like this. I’m not a shoplifter. By nature. My instinct is for work. I need a job. Please.
Brian
You’re an actress by instinct but theft is a necessity. Unless you can persuade me that I need you.
Alright. Carry on. Act a bit more.
No shirt.
Lulu
No . . .
Brian
Carry on without the . . . (what’s the . . . ?) . . . blouse. And the . . .
Lulu
removes her blouse
.
Lulu
One day people will know what all this was for. All this suffering. There’ll be no more mysteries. But until then we have to carry on living. We must work. That’s all we can do. I’m leaving by myself tomorrow . . .
Brian
(
stifling a sob
) Oh God.
Lulu
I’m sorry. Shall I stop?
Brian
Carry on. Please.
Lulu
I’m leaving by myself tomorrow. I’ll teach in a school and devote my whole life to people who need it. It’s autumn now. It will soon be winter and there’ll be snow everywhere. But I’ll be working.
That’s all.
Lulu
puts her blouse and jacket on
.
Brian
(
wipes away a tear
) Perfect. Brilliant. Did you make it up?
Lulu
No. I learnt it. From a book.
Brian
Brilliant. So you think you can sell?
Lulu
I know I can sell.
Brian
Because you’re an actress?
Lulu
It helps.
Brian
You seem very confident.
Lulu
I am.
Brian
Alright then. A trial. Something by way of a test. I’m going to give you something to sell and we’re going to see how well you do. Clear so far?
Lulu
Totally.
Lulu
Yes.
Brian
You understand that I am
entrusting
you?
Lulu
I understand.
Brian
I am entrusting you to pass this important test.
Lulu
I’m not going to let you down.
Brian
reaches for his briefcase and starts to open it.
Flat
.
Robbie
is sitting. He is wearing the uniform of a leading burger chain.
Lulu
stands over him
.
Robbie
And all I’ve said was: With cheese, sir?
And he just looks at me blankly. Just stares into my eyes.
And there’s this . . . fear.
Try again. ‘Would you like cheese on your burger, sir?’
This is too much for him. I see the bottom lip go. The eyes are filling up.
Lulu
So you told him. And they sacked you?
Robbie
Someone had to. If you were there you’d . . . I decided I’m going to have to tell him. And I say: Look, here you have a choice. For once in your life you have a choice so for fuck’s sake make the most of it.
Lulu
And then they / sacked you?
Robbie
And then. He gets his fork. Grabs this fork. And he jumps over the counter. And he goes for me.
Lulu
With the fork?
Robbie
Goes for me with the fork. Gets me down and stabs me.
Lulu
He stabbed you?
Beat
.
Robbie
It’s nothing.
Lulu
You’re wounded. You should have told me.
Robbie
No. It’s nothing.
Lulu
Where’s the wound then?
Robbie
It snapped. Before it did any damage.
Lulu
?
Robbie
The fork. It was a plastic fork. It snapped before it did any damage.
Pause
.
Lulu
So . . . no wound? So. Where’s the money going to come from? Who’s gonna pay for everything?
Robbie
You’ll come up with something.
Lulu
Me?
Robbie
Yeah. You’ll sort it out.
Did you get it?
Lulu
Did I get . . . ?
Robbie
The job. The TV.
Lulu
Well. Yes. They’re taking me on . . .
Robbie
Brilliant. / That’s brilliant.
Lulu
They’re offering me a sort of temporary assignment.
Robbie
Yeah? What sort of . . . ?
Lulu
produces three hundred E in a clear plastic bag
.
Robbie
You’re gonna sell them?
Lulu
We’re going to sell them. You can make yourself useful.
Should be three hundred. You can count them.
Exit
Lulu
.
Robbie
starts counting the tablets
.
Mark
enters and watches
Robbie
,
who doesn’t see him until –
Mark
Are you dealing?
Robbie
Fuck. You made me –
How long have you – ?
Mark
Just now. Are you dealing?
Robbie
That doesn’t . . .
Pause
.
So. They let you out.
Mark
Sort of.
Pause
.
Robbie
Thought you said months. Did you miss me?
Mark
I missed you both.
Robbie
I missed you. So. I s’pose . . .
I sort of hoped you’d miss me.
Mark
Yeah. Right.
Robbie
moves to
Mark
.
They kiss
.
Robbie
moves to kiss
Mark
again
.
Mark
No.
Robbie
No?
Mark
Sorry.
Robbie
No. That’s OK.
Mark
No, sorry. I mean it. Because actually I’d decided I wasn’t going to do that. I didn’t really want that to happen, you know? Commit myself so quickly to . . . intimacy.
Robbie
OK.
Mark
Just something I’m trying to work through.
Robbie
. . . Work through?
Mark
Yeah. Sort out. In my head.
We’ve been talking a lot about dependencies. Things you get dependent on.
Robbie
Smack.
Mark
Smack, yes absolutely. But also people. You get dependent on people. Like . . . emotional dependencies. Which are just as addictive, OK?
Robbie
(
pause
) So – that’s it, is it?
Mark
No.
Robbie
That’s me finished.
Mark
No.
Robbie
‘Goodbye.’
Mark
I didn’t say that. No. Not goodbye.
Robbie
Then . . . kiss me.
Mark
Look . . . (
Turns away
.)
Robbie
Fuck off.
Mark
Until I’ve worked this through.
Pause
.
Robbie
Did you use?
Mark
No.
Robbie
Right. You used, they chucked you out.
Mark
Nothing. I’m clean.
Robbie
So . . .
Pause
.
Mark
There are these rules, you see. They make you sign – you agree to this set of rules. One of which I broke.
OK?
Robbie
Which one?
Mark
It was nothing.
Robbie
Come on.
Mark
I told them. It wasn’t like that. I put my case / but –
Robbie
Tell me
.
Pause
.
Mark
No personal relations.
Robbie
Fuck.
Mark
You’re not supposed to – form an attachment.
Robbie
Ah, I see.
Mark
Which I didn’t.
Robbie
So that’s why / you won’t kiss me.
Mark
It wasn’t an attachment.
Robbie
(
pause
) If you were just honest. / We said we’d be honest.
Mark
It wasn’t like that. I told them ‘You can’t call this a personal relationship.’
Robbie
What was it then?
Mark
More of a . . . transaction. I paid him. I gave him money. And when you’re paying, you can’t call that a personal relationship, can you? / What would you call it?
Robbie
You can’t kiss me. You fucked someone / but you can’t kiss me.
Mark
That would mean something.
Robbie
Who was it?
Mark
Somebody.
Robbie
Tell me who.
Mark
He was called Wayne.
Robbie
Well get you.
Mark
I just – you know – in the shower. Shower and I . . . Saw his bottom. Saw the hole, you know. And I felt like – I wanted to . . . lick it.
Robbie
(
pause
) That’s it?
Mark
We did a deal. I paid him. We confined ourselves to the lavatory. It didn’t mean anything.
Robbie
Nothing for afters?