Authors: Mark Ravenhill
You went out to get chocolate. A week ago.
Chocolate or a cheeseburger from the shop.
So why have you brought him back?
Mark
Show him where I live.
Robbie
Been shopping? How did you pay for all that?
Mark
He paid.
Gary
Yeah. Paid for everything.
Mark
Who I lived with.
Robbie
And here we are. I’m Barney, this is Betty. Pebbles is playing outside somewhere. And you must be Wayne.
Gary
Wayne? I’m not Wayne. Who’s Wayne?
Lulu
We’re just eating. Sitting down for a meal. It’s actually very difficult to share them actually because they’re specifically designed as individual portions but I can get an extra plate. Plate. Knife. Whatever.
Mark
No no no. I don’t think we’re that hungry.
Robbie
We? We? Listen to that: we.
Mark
Well, I don’t think we are.
Gary
Didn’t come round to eat, did we?
Mark
No, no, we didn’t, no.
Robbie
You on special offer?
Gary
You what?
Robbie
Cheaper than a Twix?
Gary
He don’t need to pay me.
Robbie
Really? He will do. He’s got this thing. Has to make it a transaction.
Gary
Not with me.
Lulu
It all got a bit messy.
Robbie
Paid Wayne, didn’t you?
Mark
Gary, this is Lulu.
Lulu
Things got out of hand.
Gary
Some people you just give it away, don’t you?
Lulu
Let’s sit down, shall we? Let’s all just sit.
They sit
.
Well, look at this mess. If you don’t watch yourself, you just revert, don’t you? To the playground or canteen and suddenly it’s all food fights and mess.
So let’s be adults. Not much but I think I can still . . . a portion. Anyone?
Darling?
Mark
No.
Robbie
So – you’re special?
Gary
He thinks so.
Robbie
He said that? He told you that?
Mark
Come on now. Leave him alone.
Gary
Yes. He said that.
Robbie
Tell me.
Mark
(
to
Robbie
) Leave him alone.
Robbie
I want to know.
Lulu
Pudding is going to be quite a surprise I can tell you. / I’m really looking forward to pudding.
Robbie
Tell me what he said to you.
Gary
He said: I love you.
Mark
It wasn’t those words.
Gary
Yeah, yeah. I love you. I’d be lost without you.
Mark
I never said those words.
Robbie
(
to
Gary
) You’re lying. Fucking lying.
Robbie
leaps on
Gary
and starts to strangle him
.
Gary
No. It’s true. Please. ’S true. He loves me.
Mark
Leave him alone. Get off. Off.
Mark
attacks
Robbie
,
who is attacking
Gary
.
Lulu
tries to protect the ready meals, but most are crushed in the melee
.
Lulu
Stop it. Stop. Now.
Mark
succeeds in pulling
Robbie
off
Gary
.
The fight subsides.
Gary
Loony. You’re a fucking headcase, you are.
Lulu
Come on leave it now leave it.
Gary
Fucking going for me.
Lulu
Ssssh . . . quiet . . . quiet.
Long pause
.
Robbie
‘I love you.’
Lulu
Forget it.
Robbie
That’s what he said you said.
Mark
I never said – because – look – I don’t.
Exit
Mark
.
Lulu
Mess. Look at this. Why is everything such a mess?
Lulu
scrapes up as much as she can on to the tray and exits
.
Robbie
and
Gary
regard each other in silence
.
Gary
He
does
love me. He did say that.
Robbie
Did he do this thing – ask you to lick his balls while he came?
Gary
Yeah. Have you . . . ?
Robbie
Too many times. I’m his boyfriend.
Gary
He doesn’t do nothing for me, alright?
Robbie
No? Not your type?
Gary
He’s too soft.
Pause
.
Do you love him?
Robbie
Yes.
Pause
.
Gary
It’s all gentle with him. That’s not what I’m after. Got to find this bloke. I know he’s out there. Just got to find him.
Robbie
Someone who’s not gentle?
Gary
Yeah, something strong. Firm, you know.
Robbie
Yes.
Gary
You think he’s cruel but really he’s looking out for you. I’m going to be somewhere. I’ll be dancing. Shopping. Whatever. And he’ll fetch me. Take me away.
Robbie
If he exists.
Gary
You what?
Robbie
If he really exists.
Gary
You saying I’m lying?
Robbie
I didn’t say that.
I think . . . I think we all need stories, we make up stories so that we can get by.
And I think a long time ago there were big stories. Stories so big you could live your whole life in them. The Powerful Hands of the Gods and Fate. The Journey to Englightenment. The March of Socialism. But they all died or the world grew up or grew senile or forgot them, so now we’re all making up our own stories. Little stories. It comes out in different ways. But we’ve each got one.
Gary
Yes.
Robbie
It’s lonely. I understand. But you’re not alone. I could help. I’m offering to help. Where you gonna start? Maybe I know what you’re looking for.
Gary
A helping hand. What do you wanna do that for?
Robbie
For a fee.
Gary
Yeah?
Robbie
Yeah. Pay me and you’ll get what you want. I’ve got instincts. I know about this other bloke.
Gary
If I get what I want.
Robbie
Cash. It’s got to be cash.
Gary
Course.
Robbie
You’ve got the money?
Gary
Yeah. I’ve got the money.
So. What you gonna do? To help me.
Robbie
We’re gonna play a game.
The flat
.
Mark
,
Gary
,
Lulu
and
Robbie
.
Mark
Why are we playing this?
Robbie
Because he wants to.
Mark
It’s a stupid game.
Robbie
Your friend. Isn’t that right?
Gary
Right.
Mark
Why do you want to play this?
Gary
In my head, I see this picture, alright?
Lulu
Yes.
Gary
Well, like a picture but like a story, you know?
Robbie
Yes?
Gary
A sort of story of pictures.
Lulu
A film?
Gary
Yeah, story like a film.
Robbie
With you?
Gary
Yes.
Lulu
You’re in the film?
Gary
Yes.
Robbie
You’re the hero – ?
Gary
Well –
Lulu
You’re the protag – you are the central character of the film?
Gary
Sort of. Yeah.
Robbie
Right.
Gary
So there’s this story, film and I – there’s these stairs.
Pause.
Robbie
What?
Gary
No. Look, I don’t want to . . .
Lulu
You don’t want to –
Gary
I thought I could but I can’t, alright?
It’s just saying it. Sorry.
Robbie
So – just wasting our time?
Gary
I’m sorry.
Robbie
We should have got the money first.
Lulu
You’re not going through with this?
Gary
I don’t know.
Robbie
He should have paid up front.
Mark
Paying for . . . ?
Robbie
Paying to play the game.
Lulu
So do you want to do this?
Pause
.
Robbie
Pointless. Wasting our time. I mean, how old are you? What are you? Some kid wasting our time.
Gary
I’m not a kid.
Robbie
You don’t know what you want.
Gary
I know what I want.
Lulu
So . . . ?
Gary
It’s just . . . the words. It’s describing it.
Mark
Alright. Come back to him.
Robbie
Now, as I’m the judge –
Mark
Do me. Ask me – truth or dare?
Robbie
That’s not fair. That’s not in the rules, is it?
Mark
But if he’s not ready.
Robbie
Right. A forfeit. Something I’d like you to . . . something by way of punishment.
Mark
Just leave it, OK?
Gary
Shit, I don’t want to.
Robbie
(
to
Lulu
) What do you think would be a suitable punishment?
Mark
(
to
Gary
) It’s alright. It’s alright.
Gary
Shit.
Gary
’s tears are close to hysteria
.
Mark
I’ll do it. We can come back to you.
Now – ask me a question.
Robbie
No.
Mark
Come on – ask me a question.
Lulu
Alright.
Robbie
It’s cheating.
Lulu
I know. My question is . . . My question is: who is the most famous person you’ve ever fucked?
Mark
The most famous person?
Lulu
The most famous person.
Mark
Well OK then OK.
Robbie
If you’re gonna . . . it’s got to be the truth.
Mark
Yeah, yeah.
Robbie
Or it doesn’t count.
Mark
I know.
Lulu
Come on. The most famous person.
Robbie
No because last time –
Lulu
Come on.
Robbie
No because before.
Lulu
Let him say it.
Robbie
You made it up last time.
Mark
I know, I know.
Robbie
So what I’m saying is –
Mark
I know what you’re saying.
Robbie
I’m saying it’s got to be true.
Mark
Right.
Beat
.
Robbie
Right.
Beat
.
Lulu
Well then –
Mark
Well then. I’m in Tramps, OK? Tramps or Annabel’s, OK?
Robbie
Which – ?
Mark
I can’t remember.
Robbie
Look, you’ve got to –
Lulu
Go on.
Mark
Tramps or Annabel’s or somewhere, OK?
Robbie
If you don’t know where.