Rainbow Boys (19 page)

Melissa continued to play. But Jason had barely wiped the sweat from his brow when she said, “I think it also means when one boy loves another boy.” She stared at him, hard this time—not like a child.

Jason cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah, well, it can mean that, too.”

He wondered where she’d heard the word. A nd why did she ask about it now of all times? He remembered the drawing she’d given Kyle, and how they had joked about it. He wondered if she suspected Kyle was gay. Several times she’d asked when he was coming over again. Jason hated to tell her, “Never.”

A s if sensing his sadness, Melissa climbed onto his lap. “I know! It means when two boys are really happy ‘cause they love each other.” She laughed.

He wasn’t certain whether to laugh along with her—or cry.

Kyle plunged into the swimming pool, trying to cool his anger. Water sealed around him, momentarily soothing his rage. He and Jason were supposed to be friends. So how could he have snubbed him like that?

Kyle furiously kicked forward, breaking the surface of the water. Of course, he hadn’t taken into account how after their pre-Christmas kiss Jason had run out. Maybe Jason hadn’t liked kissing. Maybe he was angry about it.

Kyle reached the end of the swim lane and turned. Pushing off the side, he recalled how Jason had kissed him back. There could be no mistake, Jason had liked it. Then why did he disappear after that and why brush him off at lunch?

The water sliced between his arms. A pproaching Jason in the cafeteria in front of his teammates probably wasn’t the wisest move. But he was so eager to see him again after Christmas break. It wasn’t fair that Jason let him get so close and then pushed him away. It made him feel like some sort of leper.

Kyle pounded the water, cursing Jason with one stroke, himself with the other. He’d been stupid to think that it would ever work out with Jason—and a jerk to tell Jason he loved him.

He swam up to the wall, pulled off his goggles, and squinted at the clock. Hours had passed since he dived in. No wonder he was exhausted.

For the third day in a row Nelson failed to show at school. Kyle had phoned him and left messages, but Nelson hadn’t called back. Kyle decided to stop by his house on the way home. He rang the doorbell and waited, listening to A tticus bark inside. He rang the bell again and heard Nelson telling the dog to calm down.

The door opened and Nelson peered out, squinting as he shielded his eyes from the light. His eyes were puffy, and a black wool cap rolled low over his eyebrows. A stained T-shirt hung over his rumpled jeans, and a lit cigarette dangled between his nicotine-yellowed fingers.

“A re you okay?” Kyle said. “You look terrible.”

Nelson exhaled a stream of cigarette smoke. “I feel like dog shit.” He flicked his cigarette into the yard and grabbed A tticus by the collar. “Come on in.”

Kyle followed Nelson to his room, A tticus bounding alongside. The room was a mess—strewn with junk-food wrappers. Obviously Nelson had been bingeing. A n ashtray overflowed with cigarette butts, and a cloud of smoke hung in the air.

“How can you breathe in here?” Kyle coughed. “Mind if I open a window?”

Nelson shrugged and coughed. He sat down on the carpet and grabbed a fresh cigarette.

Kyle opened the window. “It’s supposed to snow later.” He picked up some of the wrappers and tossed them into the waste-basket.

“How come you haven’t come to school?”

Nelson blew smoke out his nose. “Too depressed.”

Kyle sat down across from him. “A bout what?” A tticus lay down beside him. “You haven’t called me back. Did I do something wrong?” Nelson peered out from under his wool cap. “No. It’s not you.” He looked down at the carpet and brushed his hand across it. “So, what’s new with Jason?”

Kyle realized it was an attempt to change the subject. Nelson was avoiding something. “It’s over,” Kyle told him. “He’s a creep. I don’t want anything else to do with him.”

Nelson looked up from the carpet. “What happened?”

Kyle wanted to talk about it but didn’t know where to start. “I told you we kissed, right?” Nelson nodded and Kyle paused. He knew he hadn’t said anything to Nelson about telling Jason he loved him. Now didn’t seem like the right time either. Instead he told Nelson what happened in the cafeteria.

“You asked to sit at the B-ball table? That was brazen.”

Kyle shook his head. “It was dumb.”

Nelson nearly rolled over laughing. “I wish I’d seen their jockstrap faces when little mild-mannered you asked to sit at their table. Did you really expect him to say yes?”

He made it sound so comical that even Kyle had to laugh. “I was excited to see him! I didn’t think.” He felt foolish now. “There’s something else: I told him he’s a creep.”

Nelson stopped laughing and sat up. “In front of everyone?”

“No. I wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh, well,” Nelson said philosophically. “So, now he’ll disappear for a while. Then he’ll get over it.”

“He can disappear forever, as far as I’m concerned. I’m sick of it.”

“You’ll get over it,” Nelson said, studying his cigarette.

“No, I won’t.” Kyle folded his arms. “I don’t want any more to do with him. He’s too scared.”

“Scared?” Nelson raised his eyebrows, so that they went up beneath his cap. “Kyle, you’re the one who’s scared.”

“Me? Scared of what?”

Nelson gave an exasperated shrug. “I don’t know. Scared that you’re in love with him and he doesn’t love you, even though it’s so obvious he does.” Suddenly his tone turned somber. He crushed his cigarette, adding the butt to the pile in the ashtray. “You can’t just dump him like garbage.”

His reaction baffled Kyle. “I’m not dumping him like garbage. He’s the one who keeps running away. I’m not going to force myself on him. What’s gotten into you? You don’t even like him.”

Nelson shook another cigarette from his pack. “I never said I didn’t like him. I just thought he was way fucked up. But that’s no reason for you to give up on him.”

Now Kyle was sure something was up. “How come you haven’t come to school?” Nelson shrugged evasively. “Didn’t feel like it.” He took a sudden interest in his nicotine-stained fingernails.

Kyle stared at him, waiting. He knew Nelson hated silence. Wait long enough and eventually Nelson would talk.

Kyle stared at him, waiting. He knew Nelson hated silence. Wait long enough and eventually Nelson would talk.

“Okay,” Nelson sighed. “I’ll tell you what happened.” He tapped his cigarette on the ashtray rim. “I met a guy on-line.” Kyle sat up. “You mean you physically met him? When?”

Nelson took a drag and exhaled. “The night my dad didn’t show. This guy I.M.’d me. We hooked up. A nd I went home with him.” Kyle leaned back, shocked. This wasn’t the story he expected. “Just like that?” Nelson made a sputtering sound. “You make me sound like a slut.”

“That’s not what I meant. I mean: Who is he?”

“His name’s Brick. You should see his apartment. It’s so fucking cool.” He drummed his cigarette. “He’s got a million CDs. A nyway, one thing led to another. God, Kyle, it was so intense! Like nothing you can imagine. Fuck, it was fantastic!” Kyle sat mesmerized, trying to absorb everything Nelson was saying.

“A nyway,” Nelson continued. “I didn’t call my mom. She came back from PFLA G to an angry message from my dad, even though he’s the one who blew me off. When I got home, she wanted to know where I’d been.”

“Did you tell her?”

“Of course not! She totally overreacted, said how she’d trusted me, blah, blah, blah, and just ‘cause I’m turning eighteen, yadda, yadda, yadda … all that bullshit.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t believe how stressed she got. I’m grounded for the next month. I can’t use the car. I can’t go out at night.”

Kyle watched the cigarette smoke curl into the air. “So, what’s that have to do with you not being in school?” Nelson wiped his hand across the carpet again. “Kyle?” His voice quivered. “I need to tell you something. I have to tell someone.” His hand trembled as he flicked the ashes from his cigarette. “I let him … you know.” He gazed up at Kyle. “A nd I didn’t use a condom.” Kyle stared back at him, considering what he’d just heard. Did Nelson mean what he thought he meant? “You mean, you let him …?” Nelson nodded.

“Without a condom?”

Nelson averted his eyes. “I guess I forgot.”

“Forgot?”

Nelson tossed aside a piece of carpet lint. “I’m stupid. Okay?”

“A fter all the lectures we had in the group?”

Nelson pursed his lips. You could tell he was trying to think what to say. “Okay. The truth is …” His jaw relaxed. “I didn’t forget, okay?” Kyle listened carefully, trying to understand. A s Nelson explained, his voice grew more excited. “It all happened so fast! I knew we should use a condom, but it was too intense. Kyle, I’m so confused. I feel like an idiot. Please don’t yell at me.” Kyle sat still, overwhelmed. He wanted to shake Nelson. But what good would that do? He finally said, “You’re not an idiot. We all do stupid things.”

Nelson slid back against the bed. “What if I got it? My first time with a guy. Shit! I keep going over it—over and over, as if that will change anything. I don’t want to die….”

Kyle shuddered. He tried to think what to say, but no words came.

Nelson looked up at him, and his voice came out small, like a child’s. “I’m scared, Kyle. Could you just hold me? I promise I won’t try to kiss you or anything.”

Kyle leaned forward, scooting alongside him. He reached his arm around, accidentally grazing Nelson’s cap. Nelson reached up to grab it, but the cap fell off.

His head was totally shaved. He was bald, down to the ridges of his skull.

Kyle stared at him, stunned. “What did you do to your hair?”

Nelson shrugged sheepishly. “Shaved it off.”

“I can see that.” Kyle ran his fingers across the bare scalp. It felt soft like a peach. “Why?”

“Kyle, I don’t know. It looks stupid as shit, doesn’t it?” He groaned. “I hate my life, I hate my hair—my head, rather—and my butt hurts.” He folded himself into Kyle’s shoulder and started to sob.

It wasn’t the first time Kyle had seen him cry, but that didn’t make it any easier. A nd the thought of Nelson getting HIV was more than Kyle could bear. His throat choked up as he leaned over to kiss Nelson’s tearstained cheek.

Nelson sniffled. He turned to him, his face only a few inches away. “Now you kiss me. I should’ve gotten sick earlier.”

“Shut up,” Kyle told him, and wiped his cheek. He wished he’d come over when Nelson had called him. Maybe then none of this would’ve happened.

They sat together. Kyle couldn’t tell for how long, but it turned dark outside.

Finally, a car pulled into the driveway. A tticus, who lay quietly all this time, sprang up and ran out of the room, barking and wagging his tail. Nelson’s mom called from the living room. “Nelson?”

Nelson wiped his nose and shouted back, “Yeah?”

His mom stepped in the doorway and switched the light on. “Why are you sitting in the dark? Hi, Kyle.” She shot Nelson a hard look.

“School called. They said you didn’t go again today. Why?”

Nelson shielded his eyes from the sudden light. “It slipped my mind.”

“You’re really pushing it,” she said through her teeth. “Come help with dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I don’t care! You’re eating.” She stormed out and Nelson sneered at her.

Kyle pulled away from Nelson’s shoulder. “I guess I better go. Ooh, my arm fell asleep.” He propped himself up on the bed, his legs sore from sitting in the same position for so long.

Nelson offered a weak smile. “Kyle? Thanks.”

Kyle tried to smile back. “For what?”

“For not freaking out.”

Kyle gave him a reassuring squeeze and told him, “You’ll be okay,” though he really wasn’t sure at all.

The snow had started when Kyle left Nelson’s. He loved snow and how it blanketed everything. It usually cheered him up, but not tonight.

When he arrived home, his mom was in the kitchen peeling potatoes. “You don’t look well.” She pressed her hand against his forehead.

“Is everything okay?”

What could he say? How could he tell her that nothing in his life was okay—Nelson having sex with some guy he met on-line and not using a condom; Jason dissing him in front of the whole cafeteria; Jack Ransom threatening him; being called “homo” every day, having bottles thrown at him, finding QUEER scratched across his locker. It was all too much. He was sick and tired of dealing with it.

A t dinner, his dad was serving steak and mashed potatoes when the phone rang.

His mom got up to answer it. “Hello?” Her tone suddenly turned cross. “Who is this?” A fter a moment, she hung up.

Returning to the table, she glanced at Kyle. The worry lines in her forehead revealed that she was upset. Kyle could guess what had happened.

His dad studied his mom. “Who was it?”

“They said something pretty ugly.” She turned to Kyle. “Has someone been bothering you at school?”