Authors: Kathy Belge
Queer (7 page)
Don't get discouraged if you don't find the right therapist on your first shot. Sometimes you have to go through a few before you find one that really works for you.
In some cases, your parents are the ones who want you to go to therapy, not you. They think that because you are gay or trans, you might need someone to talk to. Even If you don't feel like going, give it a shot at least once or twice. Talking to someone about what's going on with you can be really helpfulâas long as they don't try to change you.
Perhaps you don't want or need to go to a professional counselor, but you do want to talk to someone who isn't going to judge you and can give an unbiased opinion. Peer counseling can be a great option in this instance. Peer counselors are other teens who have been trained to listen and help you sort through your thoughts and feelings. Peer counseling programs are offered at some high schools, LGBT community centers, and other teen programs.
LGBT teens are more likely than straight teens to attempt suicide. Some studies show that up to 40 percent of gay teens and 39 percent of lesbian youth attempt suicide at some point. This is not because they are queer; it's because they are having a hard time dealing with how society treats them for being queer. Suicide is not the answer. If you are feeling suicidalâor think a friend isâtalk to a trusted friend, parent, teacher, counselor, or coach. Check out The Trevor Project (thetrevorproject.org), which is an organization for queer teens that has a 24-hour help line (see Resources section).
How I Came Out at School
All of my friends in grade school knew I liked boys, and whenever anyone tried to bully me by calling me gay, everyone else just laughed and said, "Of course he is, duh!" But then I enrolled in an all-boys high school with only a few of my old friends. I made no attempt to hide the fact that I was gay, but I never declared it outright either. The guys I dated went to other schools, and I took girls to formal dances because they were my best friends and I knew we'd have a blast together.
Then, during my sophomore year, something happened that changed everything. I was sitting at the lunch table with friends, and this jerky guy came up to the table and said, "OK, Marke, time to admit it. Tell everyone that you're a fag." At first we all laughed at how ridiculous it sounded, but then everyone's eyes turned to me, and I realized I had to say something. I'd never officially come out, but it seemed like now or never. So I took a deep breath and said with a shrug, "I prefer the term gay.
"
Things got a little strange after that. Now that it was out in the open, some of my friends turned a cold shoulder to me for a while, afraid that they'd somehow be tainted socially by knowing me. That didn't last long, but it hurt. They eventually realized that I was the same person I'd always been and that hanging out with me didn't change anything about their social statusâthe people who liked them still liked them, and the people who didn't still didn't. Did everyone look at me in class whenever something remotely gay came up? Yes. So I just made sure I looked great and tried to handle everything with style. It was a little lonely being the only out person in my school. But soon enough, a couple of questioning guys came to me for advice, and I found out that I wasn't the only one after all.
Sometimes the best person to talk to is a friend or sibling, since they often know you best. But remember that people close to you may advise you to do what
they
would do, which isn't always the same as what's best for
you.
Also, some problems, like abuse, depression, eating disorders, or drug and alcohol addicitons need to be dealt with by a skilled professional.
No one can change the fact that you're queer. But some adults may freak out about it and try to change you through "reparative therapy," also called "conversion therapy." This is when a counselor or therapist attempts to "make you straight," a practice that is denounced by the American Psychological Association. It's a cruel, discriminatory tactic that usually ends up causing the person receiving "treatment" a lot of unnecessary confusion and pain. No amount of trying to imagine that you're straight or practicing "methods" designed to make you feel bad about yourself will change youâbut this kind of therapy
can
screw you up. For one, you may start to hate who you are. And you are likely to get frustrated with trying really hard to change and not being able to.
If your parents want to take you to a reparative therapist, don't agree to it. There is nothing wrong with being LGBT! Offer instead to see a queer-friendly therapist, and let them know you'd even be willing to see one together.
NAVIGATING YOUR QUEER SPHERE: F
INDING
Y
OUR
P
EOPLE
If
you've ever seen shows like The
L Word
or
Queer As Folk,
watched the Logo TV channel, read the Rainbow Boys series, or listened to Sirius OutQ radio, you've started to learn that there are certain aspects of being queer that are universal. We sometimes grow up feeling different, but once we discover our community, we learn that our differences are shared with other LGBTs. No matter if you're in East LA or Eastport, Maine, you're likely to find lesbians with short hair who love sports, and gay men who tried on their mother's dresses when they were kids. Yes, those are stereotypes, but they're also part of our culture. Where would Broadway be without gay men? How would the WNBA survive without lesbians?
However, that doesn't mean you have to give up any part of your unique self in order to be queer. Not every gay guy wants to be a floral designer or sing along to
Glee.
Not every lesbian shaves her head or listens to Brandi Carlile. Everyone is different. Lesbians can drool over Jimmy Choo heels, gay men can play professional rugby, and trans women can go dancing at gay clubs. All of this variety is part of LGBT culture, and you can have a blast carving out your own particular niche in it. Do things sometimes get confusing? Well, yes. But you're not alone in your queer exploration; there are millions and millions of other LGBT folks testing out different identities and expressing themselves in their own special ways.
That's what's so cool about being queer: You have an incredible culture to explore and a huge community of people to explore it with. The possibilities for connection are endless. LGBT culture and community extends back throughout history in the form of stories, poetry, art, and musicâeven though it's taken awhile for it to come out in the open. When you're young and queer, you may spend a lot of time thinking you're the only one. It can be such a relief to finally find others who get your sense of style, who know what it's like to be different, and who you can talk to about anything without being judged or feeling out of place. There's a whole bunch of people waiting to accept you for who you are. Rainbows! Unicorns! Yes!
Plus, once you meet other queer kids and adults, you'll discover that we've got a whole bunch of things that are unique to us, like drag shows, lesbian music festivals, softball tournaments, pride marches, and even our own slang. There's an entire queer history that you can claim as your own, and your individual flair and smarts will help that history grow.
So where are you going to find your new queer best friend? You can't just call 1-800-GAY-BFFS. You'll have to look around a bit to find other queer kids to hang out with. But don't worry; it's not that hard. Here are some ideas.
Locate queer meeting places.
If you live in a city, you may be in luck. Most big cities âand even some smaller onesânow have some kind of queer community center. The Trevor Project (see Resources section) has a resource guide to help you locate queer services near your home. You can also just type "gay," "queer," or "LGBT" along with "teen" or "youth" and your city name into a search engine and see if anything comes up. Finding a group for trans teens can be harder, but some centers have specific meetings for trans and gender queer folks. Even if there's not a specific trans group, trans youth are, of course, welcome at queer centers.
Access queer youth chat rooms
. If you live in a smaller town, it may be more difficult to find local kids, but you can always go online to meet people. In gay youth chat rooms and forums, you can meet other queer kids from all over the world (and maybe some from your town as well). It's best to keep your identity vague and not to dole out personal information when first talking in chat rooms because you don't know who is on the other end of the chat. And be careful about what you click on after doing a search. You may enter "gay youth" to find other gay peers in your neighborhood, but your search engine might interpret that as "gay youth porn." It's unfortunate but true. If the site has a bad vibe, leave it and try a different one.
Join a Gay-Straight Alliance
. Gay-Straight Alliances (GSAs) are popping up in more and more schools. They're clubs for queer kids and their allies to meet, organize, educate each other, and have fun together. If Your school has a GSA, that's the logical place to meet other like-minded teens. If Your school doesn't have a group and another local school does, see If you can attend meetings there. Use your connections and ask around about other queer teens in your vicinity, If you feel comfortable. If you're out to your friends, ask them if they know someone they can introduce you to.
Find other like-minded groups.
If you find yourself in a place where there really aren't many LGBT teens and you aren't sure if your current friends will be accepting, there are some places where you're likely to meet straight kids who'll have your back. See if there are any progressive teen groups in your area that emphasize acceptance and outreach to people who are different. Organizations like Planned Parenthood (plannedparenthood.org) and AIDS resource centers often have youth groups that are not specifically for LGBT teens, but would be open to having you join them.
Use your gaydar
. Since it's estimated that approximately 10 percent of all people are LGBT, it's pretty likely that there are other LGBT teens in your school. You've just got to hone your gaydar and see if you can figure out who they are. He may be in the lane next to you at track practice or playing the trumpet in the school band. She may be that shy freshman who's obsessed with rap music. And like we said, some stereotypes are true: There's probably a gay boy (who loves Beyonce) in the drama club and a lesbian or bi girl (with a wallet chain and spiky hair) on the softball team. If you think certain kids are LGBT, figure out a way to get friendly with them. You can drop hints that you're queer or prod a little to see if they'll come out to you. Once you make one LGBT friend, you'll soon be on your way to forming your own queer posse.