Authors: Kathy Belge
Queer (3 page)
Some people do say that they discovered they were lesbian, gay, or bisexual after experimenting sexually. So that is possible. But most people say that if you are queer, you'll know it on a much deeper level. It becomes a part of your identity and how you see yourself. It's more about who you are and who you have feelings toward rather than simply who you're getting busy with.
On the flip side, just because you've had sex with someone of the same gender, you're not necessarily gay or lesbian. Sometimes people experiment just for fun and still don't consider themselves queer because they don't want to actually date or have relationships with people of the same gender. Or you might have fantasies or dreams about having sex with someone of the same gender, but in real life you don't feel the same way. Obviously, sex is part of the queer equation, but it's definitely not the whole thing.
That's the multimillion dollar question. And it's one that no one's really been able to answer yet, probably because everyone, queer or straight, is different. For years, scientists have been trying to discover if there is a "gay gene" or something in our brains that makes us prefer the same sex. So far, the studies have been inconclusive, and we don't know exactly what makes one person gay and another bisexual or trans or even straight, for that matter. There are any number of things that make you the person you are.
For some queer people, it seems like they were just born that way. For others, it's the way our emotions and sexuality developed as we grew up and our personality began expressing itself. And other people say that somewhere along the way, they just changed and suddenly started liking people of the same gender.
But though you may come into your queerness at any stage, it's not a choice. It's something that naturally happens. You can't "train" yourself to be straight any more than you can train yourself to have three eyeballs, fly like a bird, breathe underwater, or like listening to the Rolling Stones as much as your parents do. You have no control over your sexual orientation or gender identity. Be authentic and you'll gain the respect of others and yourself. You'll also be way happier in the long run.
Back in the 1940s, a sex researcher named Alfred Kinsey asked people to be honest about their sexual activities, fantasies, and romantic attractions. After thousands of interviews, he found that it is rare that a person is solely homosexual or heterosexual. People's desires and preferences fell all along what he called a "sexual spectrum" (also known as the Kinsey Scale) between gay and straight. What he interpreted this to mean was that most humans have the capability to be attracted to or to fall in love with both men and women. We think that the idea of viewing sexuality
People who are
intersex
are born with sexual anatomy that doesn't match typical male or female anatomy. There are many varieties of intersex, some of which show up at birth and others that appear at puberty. In some cases, intersex people can go the majority of their livesâor even their entire livesânot knowing they are intersex. Estimates are that 1 in 100 births result in some form of intersexism, where the body is different from the standard male or female. For example, a girl might be born with a large clitoris or no vaginal opening, or a boy might have a scrotum that is divided so it looks more like a labia. Some doctors will also consider someone to be intersex if they have both ovarian and testicular tissue. Of course, what's most important is how intersex people view themselves. They may have a male or female gender identity or neither. However, the social pressures to fit into a specific gender can be confusing and harmful and even result in unnecessary genital reassignment surgeries to "correct" something that was perfectly healthy to begin with. The important thing to remember is that if you are intersex, you are perfect just as you are and a welcome part of the queer community (though not all intersex people identify with the queer community, which is totally fine). If you want to learn more, read the books on intersexuality mentioned in the Resources section.
as a spectrum is a great way to look at it. It means there is some fluidity in our preferences, and everything is totally acceptable.
Of course, that doesn't mean you won't prefer to date one gender or the other. You probably will. But if you're not sure how to label yourself or where you fall on the spectrum of straight, bi, or gay/lesbian, we say don't stress about it. Even though it may seem like everyone around you has it figured out, they proably don't. Instead, see all of your questions about your sexuality as something that makes your life more interesting and will give you more personal insight and confidence.
Want to try a little experiment? Look at the scale below and locate where you think you are on the spectrum. Make a note of what you think today, and then see if it's the same a year from now.
My Big Gay Revelation
For me, the signs were probably there from the start. I was the kind of little kid who played dress-up in his mom's clothes, ran around singing show tunes at the top of his voice, and pretend-flirted with other boys. (My parents even have pictures of me kissing one of my boy cousins on the lips when we were in diapers!) In grade school, I also fooled around with some other boys in my neighborhood and from my school. But I didn't really think about it in terms of whether I was gay or straight or whatever. I knew lots of boys who did stuff like this, and it didn't seem like a big deal.
It wasn't until around sixth grade, when I started developing deep crushes on other boys, that I started thinking I might be a little different. But I still couldn't put my finger on it. I had never even heard the word gay until some older boys from another school tried to insult me by calling me that. I did a little research in the library to find out more and discovered a whole history of people who not only had sex with people of the same gender but had passionate romantic relationships as well. In fact, there was an entire community of people who felt the same way I did; it was a delicious wonderland of queerness! I realized it was OK to like other boys in "that way," and even though it took a little while to find other boys who liked me back, I knew that I wasn't "abnormal" or "weird"âjust a little bit different.
There is no time limit. Like we said, it's natural to go through a period of questioning and experimenting before you know what's right for you. You may spend some time being
bi-curious,
which means you wonder a lot about what it would be like to get with someone of your own gender. You may try out dressing as the opposite gender or explore your feelings by looking at photos or movies to see what appeals to you. It's your life. Only you can decide when and how to express your gender identity and sexualityâno one else.
As you can imagine, determining someone's sexual orientation or gender identity is not an easy task. Numerous studies and polls have been done over the years, but the results have varied. Accuracy can depend on what questions are asked, how safe the respondents feel in answering them, whether the people answering the questions are out or being honest, and how one even defines queer. Some people engage in same-sex sexual behavior but don't identify as queer. Some people may not be out yet or may not feel comfortable answering questions about queerness. Most researchers these days use the general estimate of
TO
percent, but some say that, because of the above issues with the studies, it could be as high as 20 percent. The truth is, we may never know for sure what percentage of the population is queer.
EMBRACING YOUR QUEERNESS: C
OMING
O
UT
OK,
so you've looked in your heart and realized you're queer. Applause moment! Big ups from us for being honest with yourself.
But it can also be a little overwhelming. We knowâwe went through it, too. There's so much information, so much to explore. It's like you just got a big gay Xbox for your birthday and you need to figure out how to work the controls. What does that button do? What happens when I push the joystick this way? How can I show off my optimum gaming skills?
Don't go getting your tighty-whiteys (or teeny bikinis) all in a twist. The first important thing you should know is that everything's going to be all right.
Some things may be different than before, but other things won't change at all. What's cool is that you now belong to a giant family of other LGBT people. We don't use a rainbow as our symbol just because of the pretty colors. We use it because it stretches across the sky, connecting all kinds of people. You're plugged in to a fascinating culture, where everyone is unique but they all share something special. Don't be afraid to reach out for support or to offer your advice to others.
One of the things you're probably wondering is if you should let anyone know that you're LGBT. This is known as
coming out,
and it's a unique process for everyone. While you might think of coming out as an external process where you stand on a platform and announce to the world that you're queer, it's quite the opposite; the first person you will come out to is actually yourself. You may sit with this knowledge for a while before you decide to tell anyone else. Or sometimes a close friend or counselor helps you figure it out. But eventually you'll feel confident enough to look in the mirror and say to yourself, "I'm queer. And I'm also sexy as hell." Welf you might not say that second part, but you are, and you should know it.
Of course, most people aren't going to run outside right away, waving their arms in the air like Elmo the Homo and screaming, "Hey, Ma! Guess what? I'm queer!" Coming out to your friends and family can be a gradual process, which might be good if you don't want to be fielding your mother's questions about your sex life and your uncle Joe's fear that you won't carry on the family name all at once. Feel free to take some time to figure out how you want to handle spreading the news. Some teens tell certain people at certain times or tell others only on a need-to-know basis. Others can't wait to share the news with everyone. Figure out which path is appropriate for your own journey, and blaze it when you're ready.