That’s such a lame ass excuse. I had a right to know. “Really? You never thought to tell me I had a baby, and then I lost a baby? Don’t you think that’s something I should have been there for? I should have been there, Meara.”
“I know, okay. I wanted to, but you were doing so well and I didn’t—”
“I’m not an invalid. I could have handled it.”
“How was I supposed to know that? For all I knew, it could have put you over the edge. Then I would have lost you too and I couldn’t! I couldn’t risk losing you, too!” she yells but the words sound so small.
“God, you really think that low of me? That I’d do something that stupid after we would have gone through that? Jesus, we’re supposed to be moving into a house together and you can’t even trust me enough to tell me you were pregnant and that I was a father? Fuck that.”
I grab my keys for my newly purchased car and slam the door on my way down her stairs. As I get to the alley door, I push it open and almost hit Nik with it.
“Whoa.”
I shoulder check him on my way past, and he grabs my arm, but I shrug out of his grip. “Don’t fuck with me right now.”
“Ahh, she told you. I’m sorry, man.”
“You knew?”
“Umm, yeah. I caught her on a really bad night and she ended up telling me everything.”
“Really?” I shove my keys in my pocket and clench my fists. Nothing but red is all I see right now. “Did you make her feel all better, too?”
“Fuck you.”
I step toe to toe with him. “You’ve been waiting to get in there, huh? You don’t think I see the way you look at her?”
“Liam!” Meara steps in front of me and pushes me back. “Go inside, Nik.”
He rolls his shoulders. “You sure?”
She looks at me and shakes her head in disappointment. “Yes, I’m sure.”
Chapter 22
Meara
NIK SHUTS THE DOOR
behind me, and I give Liam a shove. “How dare you?”
“Me? Me? You fucking tell Nik that we lost a baby but not me.
The father.”
“I told you why I didn’t. Can’t you at least understand that?” God, he’s throwing every fear I had of him not understanding in my face.
“Can’t you understand that I’m fucking pissed off that you didn’t tell me?”
Tears threaten, but I fight them back. “Yes, I can, but—”
“No. I deserved to know, Meara. I should have been there.” He sucks in a breath and turns his back to me, his shoulders slowly moving up and down. “It was my baby, too.”
I hesitate for a moment before walking up behind him and resting my hand on his back. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry you didn’t know you were a dad and got to feel that joy and excitement. And I’m sorry you lost a baby.”
He sits down on the cold cement and I awkwardly stand behind him until he grabs my hand and pulls me down into his lap. He shoves his face in my hair and takes a heaving breath. “I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up. I should have been there for you, princess. God, I’m so sorry.” His words end on a choked sob, and I wrap my arms around him and we cry together. For a life that was stripped from us. For the possibilities that were taken away. The time wasted apart when we both know we’re better together. Moments lost and memories stolen.
“How long did you know?” he finally asks.
“Not long. I only found out the morning I went to look at the house. I’d missed a period and took a test.”
“I bet you were happy.”
“I was. Very.”
“Then I fucked it up. Oh, God.” He stands and taps his foot as if he’s keeping the rhythm. “Did it happen that night? When you were in the hospital?”
“No.” I correct his fear immediately. “The baby was fine that night. They checked and told me. My appointment was the day after you left.”
“So you knew for two weeks? You went through the stress of living in a hotel to avoid me and us breaking up, and then you lost it?”
I know what he’s getting at. He’s trying to blame himself, but I won’t let him. “The doctor said that sometimes it just happens.”
“I don’t even know what to say right now.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Just come back upstairs and we can—”
He stands up and gently pushes me away. “No, I need to be alone.” The keys jingle in his hand as he unlocks the car. Before he drives away, his tormented eyes collide with mine, and at this moment, I’m not so sure everything is going to be okay anymore.
Once the taillights fade away, I run my fingers through my hair and kick the gravel around my feet. In all the scenarios I had in my head, this wasn’t one of them. I expected him to be angry, and I anticipated that he’d be heartbroken. Hell, his animosity doesn’t even surprise me. I’d hate me, too. But I wasn’t expecting him to leave. He’s not ever left like that.
Not once, since we’ve been together, have we gotten into a fight and one of us stormed off in anger. I know that we haven’t lived the same type of life as a ‘normal’ couple and that we’ve been through a lot of things other couples may not have been able to handle. But I still think that it’s a pretty big testament to us that we’ve never ended a night like this.
I walk through the door to go back to my apartment and scream because Nik’s sitting on the steps.
“Sorry, just wanted to make sure you were okay. He was pretty jacked up, and I wanted to be here in case …”
His implication pisses me off, and I point my finger in his face. “Don’t ever accuse him of that. He’d never hurt me.”
“Look, all I’m saying is that’s a pretty big thing to go through and with the way he came at me, I was just being cautious.”
“Well, you don’t need to be, asshole,” I snap.
He shakes his head and stands. “I’ve been nothing but nice to you, Meara. I’ve kept your secret from Declan, my best friend. I’ve stayed late with you on nights I had stuff to do because I wanted to make sure you were okay since I know damn well you didn’t tell your family what was really going on.”
“I told Char,” I whisper.
“Char’s pregnant, like way pregnant. And have you forgotten that I know you, Meara? I see the way you act around her.”
I cross my arms and pout at him. “I don’t act a certain way.”
“Ha. You’re so fake around her. You pretend you’re okay when I know … I know you’re still fighting everything.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.” His cheeks redden a tinge and Liam’s words ring in my ears, ‘You don’t think I see the way you look at her?’ I was so pissed when I heard him talking to Nik that way, but with the shy look he’s giving me now, it makes me wonder.
“Nik …”
“No. God, no.” He must have read my thoughts. “Don’t worry about it. I, umm, if you’re good I’m going back to the bar.”
“Umm, yeah, I’m fine. Go ahead.”
Before he can shut the door, I call to him.
He doesn’t turn around but stops in the doorway.
“Thanks.”
“Yeah, anytime.”
I take Nik’s place on the stairs and laugh at the absurdity that is my life. I wasn’t ever expecting a
perfect
fairy tale, but I never anticipated this.
The silence from the bar closing is the only indication of how much time has passed. As I sit on the step Nik vacated hours ago, I realize Liam could have called or sent a text, so I rush up the stairs and grab my phone off the table. Nothing. No missed calls or messages. My mind begins to swirl in a frenzy. Is he hurt somewhere? Did he relapse? Maybe he just went to his mom’s house.
My call goes straight to voicemail, and I decide I need to go look for him. I’m not even sure if he can forgive me for lying to him. Seeing the look on his face, how broken up he was made me realize I was keeping things from him for my benefit. As much as I wanted him to be there, I took insult to his issues and made them mine. I misguided the betrayal I felt and redirected it at him when the reality was I was being selfish.
Years of waiting and promises of a future I so desperately wanted overshadowed what was right in front of my face. And that was that the love of my life needed me. I wasn’t there for him then, but I will be now … if he still wants me.
The first place I drive to is his mom’s, but his car isn’t anywhere in sight. I turn the opposite way and head to his dad’s. The house sold but still sits vacant for another few weeks. Maybe he went there for some reason. My disappointment increases when I find the driveway completely empty. All of the bars are closed since it’s now after three in the morning, but I still drive downtown on the off chance he’s there. No luck. My chest is beginning to tighten and my throat closes up when the fear rises.
Where the hell would he go? As I sit at a stoplight, it hits me. I wait impatiently for the light to change and go to the last place I can think of.
His car sits in the unpaved driveway, yet there are no lights on in the house. Gravel crunches and my steps echo as I walk on the porch. I call for him, but an answering silence fills the air.
Each room I pass through downstairs fills me with fear, but once I reach the top of the stairs and walk down the hall to the nursery, I see his silhouette in the moonlight, sitting on the floor, knees bent.
Chapter 23
Liam
“LEE?”
Meara’s voice echoes in the empty and quiet house.
“Hi, princess.”
She shuts off the flashlight from her phone and sits next to me as I reach for her hand. Just her presence grounds me. I squeeze her fingers and she does the same back to mine.
“Can I do anything?”
“No. I just … I’m trying to decide something.”
“What?”
“You know how fucking sad I am about the baby, right? God, I can’t even describe it. How do you mourn for a loss when you didn’t even know it existed? When you never even got the chance to be happy about it in the first place? Somehow, I feel like a piece of me, like a chunk of my heart, was ripped out. How can I be so tormented about that, but yet so angry at the same time?”
“I wish I knew the answer to that. All I know is for me, I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how mad and angry and sad I am, it’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“Hmm.” I rest the back of my head on the wall and look up at the ceiling. “I’m so mad at myself—” She tries to interrupt me, but I shake my head. “Let me finish this. I’m so pissed at myself because I feel like I failed you in so many ways. And I’m trying to decide if it makes me a horrible person because that’s what upsets me the most. Knowing that you were alone and the only person who knew was your pregnant cousin. And then the only other one you told was because you had a breakdown and couldn’t handle it anymore … after suffering in silence for months. If I had known, I would have been there, Meara. You have to know that. There is nothing in this world, no band arrangement, no contract, definitely not any fucking drug that would have kept me from you if you needed me. And the fact that you didn’t reach out to me when you were going through one of the hardest things in the world … it fucking kills me.” I trail off quietly and don’t know if she even heard the last few words.
“I feel like I failed you.”
I turn to look at her. Even in the dark, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. “You didn’t. You never have and there is nothing you could do to fail me. If anybody failed here, it’s me.”
“I guess we’ll just have to agree that we’re both failures and call it even.”
Her attempt at a joke makes me smile and I pull her to my side. She rests her head on my shoulder and wraps her arm around my stomach. Minutes, hell, an hour probably passes before she finally breaks the silence. “We’re going to be okay, right?”
“Yeah. We’re going to be okay.”
* * *
The next day, we asked everyone to meet at the pub and talked in the private room. We wanted to have everyone together to show them that we’re fine, and I needed to apologize for my transgressions. I shared my story. My truth. It was embarrassing for everyone to listen to me spew out all of my weakest and darkest moments. Not surprisingly, our families were supportive and reassuring, and in the end, I felt so much better.
Pierce apologized for not being a better friend. Even though I told him I didn’t deserve his apology, he still felt like he should have known. But when somebody wants to hide something, they get good at it, and unfortunately, I had subconsciously become that person. The addict who hides and lies because he knows it’s wrong. Bart was a tremendous stepping-stone for me, his own personal experience and wisdom helped me realize so much about myself. We’re doing weekly phone calls and monthly meet-ups to start right now, but when he told me he was only a phone call away if I ever needed him, I believed him one hundred percent. I hope it doesn’t ever get to that point, but it’s reassuring to know I have his support no matter what.
The past twenty-four hours have been a tumultuous and emotional roller coaster. After our confessions or admissions or whatever the hell you want to call them, everyone hung around the bar and drank while they tried not to look like they were uncomfortable around me. I had to announce that it was, in fact, okay to drink with me in the same room. Besides, I never needed anything when Meara was around, and with her glued to my side, the thought never entered anywhere near the realm of my brain that would have cared.
It’s the last night we’ll be spending in her apartment, and she asks if I’m still awake.
“Yup.”
“Remember how you were deciding if you were a horrible person or not?”
“Uh, yeah.” I laugh.
“What did you decide?”
“Well, I think that I’m definitely not perfect. I’ve made mistakes, and although it’s still early to actually prove it to you, I know I’ve learned from them. And I know I’m the luckiest man on the planet. I have a woman who will allow me to show her who I really am and who sticks with me through the ugliest parts.”
“So you won’t think I’m a horrible person if I tell you that I’m ready to move on with my life? To allow myself to feel happiness and joy again.”
“No, not at all. You’re wonderful, Meara. Smart, funny, strong, independent, and fuckin’ beautiful, and I’m the lucky fucker that you’ve decided to stick with. And I would never be with a horrible person.”