“Meara. You’re my woman, not a clinger. Call me as much as you want.”
Instead of answering, I nod. We stay like this, in our own world, taking a moment before I reluctantly stand so he can leave. I never take him to the airport. Since the first time he’s left, we always say good-bye at my house. Liam thinks a good-bye at the airport is too final. This way it’s as if he’s just leaving for work.
I walk him to the door and press up on my toes when he leans down. Our lips meet and we kiss good-bye. A slow, sweet kiss that makes me only want more.
“Fuck,” he says under his breath and pulls away. I step away and tuck my hands into my back pockets.
“Text me when you land. See you soon.”
Several minutes go by without him saying anything. He’s just standing here, watching me, his eyes soft. A slight smile pulls the left side of his lips up.
There it is.
“This is going to be one of the last times you ever say that to me.”
“Thank God for that. I mean, I can do this as long as you need me to, but I miss you so much. I feel like it’s been forever since we’ve actually been together. The next six months can’t go by fast enough. Especially knowing that I get to get a house and then we’ll get married and have babies. And a dog.” I add the last bit in because he really wants a dog and I want to give him whatever I can to make him happy.
“Do you know how much I fuckin’ love you, Meara?”
“I think I have an idea,” I tease.
“You better not have any doubt about it.” The tone of his voice is sharp, and I place my hands on his chest.
“I know you love me.”
“Good. Now kiss me again so I can go finish this shit up and get back to you.”
“Sounds like a plan to me.”
Liam
“Son, I didn’t expect to see you.”
“Wasn’t a planned trip, Pops. Gotta be to the airport in an hour.” What the hell am I doing here? I’m better than this; I know I am.
He widens the door and I step in and cringe. Nothing’s changed. Empty bottles litter the floor and table, and overflowing ashtrays are stacked on top of the garbage. The stale smell of weed, cigarettes, and old food filters throughout the house. My dad stands next to me and I glance at him over my shoulder. I get my height from him. I wish that was all, but unfortunately, I got something else.
“I need it,” I say shamefully and clear off a spot on the old mustard colored couch. As I sit down, I sink in the cushions a little, then take my hat off, and rest it on my knee.
“Liam, don’t ask me—”
“Just one. Please.”
“How long you been clean for?” He walks over to the kitchen and reaches inside a shelf.
“Hard stuff? Three years.” After what happened the last time I haven’t touched anything other than alcohol, I did a round of rehab and quit the drugs. Those were definitely some of the worst weeks of my life, but Meara said she’d leave me if I ever did them again. I’ve kept my word to her since then.
It’s been so long, but with everything going on, all the damn stress, I need a little something. Just this once to tide me over since I have to go back to hell for the next six months. My logical side is telling me to walk the fuck away, but the irrational part of me says just once to have a fucking moment where I can breathe again. Just once.
My dad comes back with an old cigar box and kneels down on the ground in front of me. Before he opens it, he clears his throat. “You sure you wanna do this? You can walk out of here, Lee. Give yourself a better life than what I have, be a better man than I’ve become.”
I don’t hesitate. “I’m sure.”
He opens the box and takes out a square mirror, razor blade, and small white rock. I bite my lip as he crushes it, and I take a stack of bills out of my wallet. Once I roll up a dollar bill, I hand it to him, but he just shakes his head and pushes the mirror toward me.
The first hit burns my nostrils. I suck in a breath and blink rapidly while shaking my head. Clarity starts to swarm through my foggy brain, and I lean back on the couch while I wait for my dad. He does two in a row and hands it back to me. I suck up the last white line and am immediately ashamed of myself. What I’ve become. How fucking weak I am. That this makes the first and the only promise I’ve ever broken to Meara.
“I’d give you some for the road but—”
“I’m good. Thanks.” Already guilty, I shake my head. A few minutes of silence pass before I stand and we pat each other on the back. Great bonding moment. I pull away and point to the stack of bills on the table. “Use it, and let me know if you need more. Take care of yourself, Pops.”
“How’s that girl of yours?” he asks right as I’m at the door.
Without looking back at him, I answer, “She’s perfect.”
“Don’t make my mistakes, Liam.”
I nod and walk out the door, his words adding to the inner turmoil already weighing me down.
* * *
“Hey, man. Good flight?” Jamie asks as I step onto the bus.
“Sure. It was fine.” I walk past him, but he grabs my arm then uses both hands to grip the side of my head. I try to push him away, but he slams me against the wall and forces my head up. I keep my eyes closed. I know what he’ll see—the guilt, the embarrassment—and I’m not ready to go there yet.
“Fuck me. Lee, what in the fuck are you doing?” He slaps the side of my face, and I slowly open my heavy lids.
Once his eyes meet mine, he curses under his breath again and pushes my shoulders. “Liam, Jesus fuck. You visit your old man while you were there? Meara know you’re back into this shit?”
I don’t confirm or deny but push off the wall. “I need to get ready for the show.”
“Fuck the show! I’m not gonna stand around and do nothing this time.”
Mike and Gabe appear out of nowhere and stare at me.
“Yes, you will because there’s nothing for you to do anything about.”
My shoulder knocks into my brother on my way to the bathroom. I splash cold water on my face but refuse to look into the mirror. I take a quick shower and throw on a pair of jeans and t-shirt then my boots and a hat. The guys are waiting for me outside, and without making eye contact, I hop in the waiting SUV and pull the brim of my hat over my eyes.
The ride to the venue is quiet, and as soon as we pull up, I hop out and head to the dressing room. A bottle of vodka is already waiting for us, and I grab it and take some long pulls.
Jamie walks in and looks at the bottle, then me, shakes his head, and walks right back out. Whatever. Everyone likes to act all superior. As if being in this business doesn’t take a toll on them, as if it doesn’t tear them apart. I’m the only one who can admit how fucking hard it is. But because they don’t have a woman who’s waiting for them, they don’t get it. All they have is random pussy.
The show goes off without a hitch, and I play better tonight than I have in a long time. My solos are spot on, I engage with the crowd, and I even toss my sticks at the end, feeling more alive than I have in a long time. I thought the guys would be happy, especially Mike.
“Killer show, right?” I raise my hand for a fist bump, but he ignores it and slams the door to our dressing room.
“What the fuck, Liam?” Mike asks.
“What? You were giving me shit about fucking up yesterday. I focused, man. I kicked ass … isn’t that what you want?” The high is long gone, but I still feel … on point right now, excited almost.
“Not like that, Liam. Never like that.”
I huff out a breath and reach for the bottle, but Jamie beats me to it and knocks it to the floor, its contents pouring out.
“What the fuck, man?” I lean down to grab it, but Mike pushes me away. When I straighten my back, I see the three men who mean almost as much as Meara does to me staring back. And they’re all looking at me with disappointment.
“You’re not doing this to yourself again.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not doing anything. ‘Cause I wanna have a fucking drink after the show? Whatever …” I turn around and slam the door on my way out, then walk around until I find who I’m looking for. I don’t know him, but when I raise my eyebrow in question, he looks around and nods, then leads me down the dark hallway.
Chapter 8
Meara
“GUESS WHAT?” I JUMP
up and down when Charlotte walks into the pub and grab her shoulders. “Guess fucking what?”
Her eyes widen. “What?”
“Liam’s moving back home in six months!” I squeal and jump even higher. It’s the Tuesday after he visited and since we’re closed on Mondays, I stayed holed up in my apartment all day, something I’m not used to at all. I was up late catching up on paperwork though so I could do some looking. I wanted to tell Char in person, so I waited until today. “And I looked at houses all day yesterday. I have a whole day of tours scheduled for next Monday, and you’re coming with me!”
“Whoa. What?” She laughs and hugs me. “You’re house hunting. That means …”
“He’s coming home!” The people close to us know our plan, so I finish her thought.
“Holy crap, this is so exciting!” She bounces with me and when she pulls back, she wipes her eyes.
“Don’t cry. Why the hell are you crying?” I reach behind her, grab a small square napkin with the Kelly’s Pub logo on it, and hand it to her.
“I don’t know. It’s just you’ve … you’ve waited so long for this and you look so happy.”
“I’m always happy.”
“I know, but this is different. Ignore me, I’m overly emotional.” She sniffles and starts laughing as she wipes her eyes.
“Can you come with me on Monday? We can bring Caroline with us.”
“Of course, I’ll go, but I’d rather leave her with a sitter since Travis is working. I don’t want her breaking stuff and getting in the way. Your parents might be able to.”
“You know they will.”
“Let me call them real quick just to make sure.”
I pour another for the guy who has the same hat as Liam. He’s come in at least once a week since then and is always quiet but polite. I apologize to the customer who had to wait for her drink through that ordeal. Her blond hair is in perfect waves and she has a friendly smile on her face.
“Sweetie, it’s fine. It sounds like your man is coming home. Is he in the service?”
“No, he’s in a band, actually.” She tries to hand me money, but I shake my head. “No, keep it. You had to wait way too long.”
“Well, thanks.” She leaves a dollar as a tip on the bar and puts the rest in her purse. “My husband was in the Army. I got excited just like that when I knew he was coming home.”
“Oh, I bet. Is he still?”
Her face falls and I feel mine do the same. “No. He passed away.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you. It’s been a rough time, that’s for sure.”
“I can’t even imagine. You look so young, too.”
“We were only twenty when we got married.”
“Wow.” Watching this woman brave enough to talk about her husband, imagining what she went through, really puts my ass into perspective. I’ve no right to complain about being apart from Liam when so many other women don’t even know when their husband is coming home. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Please. Don’t say anything. Except …”
“What?”
She waves me off and shakes her head. “Never mind.”
“No. What were you going to say?”
“You don’t have any clue if they’re hiring, do you? I just moved here … I needed to get away from the memories, the house, the mistakes I was making.”
I prop a hip against the counter and cross my arms. I like this woman. She’s tough. She might not look it, but having gone through what she did so young, and having the courage to start over somewhere else, I have to give her credit. Big time. And I really could use some help around here. It’d be nice to have someone else who could close for me.
“I think they are, actually.”
“Really?” She sits up straighter. “Do you have an application or anything?”
“No. But if you want, I can introduce you to the manager.”
“That would be awesome. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. I promise I’m a really hard worker and I can work whenever, I’m totally flexible.”
“That’s great.”
I stick my hand out and she raises an eyebrow.
“I’m Meara Kelly.”
She places her hand in mine and tilts her head. Her eyes look over my shoulder and widen when I know they found the plaque of the bar along with a family picture.
“You’re …”
“The manager slash soon-to-be owner. And I’d like to hire you.”
Her smile is somehow even wider now, and she laughs. “I’d love to work for you. I’m Lisa.”
* * *
“This is the one.”
“I knew you’d love it. It just came on the market yesterday.”
I walk around the old farmhouse and run my fingers across the stained glass on the staircase-landing window. I haven’t even been upstairs yet, but there’s just a feeling in my gut. I’ve been looking at houses for a couple of months, and nothing seemed good enough. This one, though… it’s perfect.
“You guys are going to have some work to do.”
“I don’t care.” I walk away from my realtor and open the first bedroom door. My breath hitches in my lungs and tears well in my eyes as I hold a hand to my stomach. Light pink walls, lacy white curtains, a mobile with pink zoo animals hanging from the ceiling where a crib would be. It’s obvious no one has used this room for quite some time by the amount of dust, but it has so much potential.
“I want it.”
“Okay. As soon as I get back to the office, I’ll get the papers drawn up. I can e-mail them to you.”
“No, I’ll come by and take them to Liam. I’m going to see him tonight.”
“Okay. Sounds good.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
She walks out of the room and leaves me alone with my thoughts. The timing is perfect. Everything is just so perfect right now. We weren’t exactly planning to get pregnant this fast, but it happened. I’m super excited and I know Liam’s going to be ecstatic. I can’t wait to surprise him tonight with the news that he’s going to be a father.
I meet the realtor downstairs, and we walk around outside together. She explains that the owner of the house was an older man who couldn’t bear to part with his family’s land but neglected the almost ten acres he had left. At one point, his father owned over a thousand acres, but as the years went on, they slowly sold off parts of the land.