My One Regret (Martin Family Book 3) (7 page)

I gave her a little smile for trying to make me feel better.

"I'm serious," she said, nudging me. "You're Ryan's ultimate—his dream."

"I'm hardly deserving of that title anymore… especially in light of my stunning and worthy adversary, who's evidently an angel and has a voice to match."

"Okay Shakespeare," she said, leaning into me as she giggled.

Chapter 11

Ryan

Ryan Collins had been busy. He went to Philadelphia and got his doctorate in history, and somewhere in the process, he wrote a novel that became a best seller and was now being turned into a television mini-series. It was scheduled to begin production soon and would air on NBC within the next two years.

His book was a mostly-accurate portrayal of two men's lives in the Civil War. He had studied them both and found that he identified with each of them for different reasons, which, in all probability, was the reason his work turned out to be so compelling.

One of them was a slave who had been separated from his family. He lost his one true love and it was years before they got reunited. Ryan's own story wasn't quite as dramatic. He was never taken from his family or forced into a life of slavery. He was never chained, nor whipped. He had, however, lost a love, so the words written from his hero's perspective were honest and heartfelt. Ryan had never been held captive and forced to work. He had never faced many of the hardships of the men in his book, but he knew the feeling of heartache. He knew how to describe the pain of knowing your true love is out there somewhere and you can't have her. His own feelings on the subject spilled out onto his pages, and his work struck a chord with readers.

He also told the story of a Confederate soldier. He told how the two men's lives intersected and how they unwittingly impacted each other. The accounts given in the book were mostly true. Ryan did countless hours of research so that he could tell their stories with accuracy and careful detail. He had accounts of their history and their whereabouts during the war, but he did have to do some improvisation when it came to describing their emotions, and this was what set his work apart from that of his colleagues.

He may not have been so successful at it if he wasn't fresh off a broken heart when he went to UPenn, but he was, and apparently, it worked in his favor.

Ryan Collins literally stopped breathing when he saw the source of that broken heart standing on the stage of Jackie B's when he walked in that Saturday night.

There she was.

Wynn Martin.

She was singing, and her voice called to him like an all-entrancing Siren. He could hardly stand to look at her, but he also couldn’t look anywhere else. They locked eyes. He felt a sensation in his chest like his heart had leapt right out and was crossing the room so it could be closer to her. He was marveling at the empty feeling in his own chest when his girlfriend elbowed him.

He realized they should be following the hostess, but he couldn't make himself move. "Just a second," he said to the hostess before turning to Britney. "We can go somewhere else if you want," he said.

"Why?"

"I didn't know Wynn's band was playing tonight," he said with a little gesture toward the stage. "It's gonna be packed. Service will probably be slow."

"Oh, is that Wynn?" Britney asked. She glanced at the stage, but Ryan didn't. He couldn't. "I don't care if it's packed," she said with a shrug. "It looks just like it did last time we were here." She nudged him. "Plus, you probably want to catch up with your friend. Maybe she'll invite you up on stage to play drums for old time's sake."

Ryan let out a nervous laugh as they followed the hostess to their table. He tried to tune out the sound of Wynn's voice, but it was completely useless. Listening to it was utterly torturous. He had wondered countless times in the past why God would make something that tempted him so much if He wouldn't just go ahead and give it to him. He had cold sweats, trying but failing to ignore the sound as he and Britney got situated at their table.

He had never been so relieved in his life than he was when the song finished. He would not have been able to handle a whole set of listening to her—he would have had to fake an injury or something. Everyone clapped, and the piano player thanked Wynn for coming up. Ryan let out a relived sigh as she left the stage.

He and Britney ordered drinks, and talked to their server for a minute, but she went to use the restroom not long after they sat down. He had seen Wynn head in that direction, and he wondered if the two women would run into each other.

He was looking in that direction when Wynn came around the corner. Her eyes locked with his, and she crossed the restaurant, headed directly for his table. He stood and took her into his arms, but both of them broke contact after an initial squeeze. He asked her to sit so they wouldn't be standing in the middle of the aisle, and she agreed, taking the spot across from him.

They shared a little back and forth where she asked about his book and told him she had just moved back from Austin. The next part was all really rushed, but they had an exchange where Wynn said a bunch of words all in a row. She seemed nervous and in a hurry, but Ryan couldn’t help but get the idea that she was sad. He could have sworn she said something about regretting the way things ended with the two of them, but he had been wanting to hear those words for so long, that he talked himself into thinking he just heard what he wanted her to say.

"I was thinking about you before I knew you were famous or had a girlfriend," was the phrase she said that stayed with him. The rest of it was delivered in such a hurry that he didn't even really catch it. He was almost sure Wynn was saying she wanted him, which seemed unreal and unlikely after all this time. He even swore he heard her say, "I love you," near the end of her ramblings, which only proved how desperate he still was to hear it.

Then, Britney walked up, and Wynn stood up and said a bunch of other stuff that was rushed and jumbled.

Britney was staring at Ryan with wide eyes when Wynn walked away. "That was interesting," she said, shrugging it off as she glanced down at the menu.

Ryan turned and saw that Wynn was headed to a booth in the corner of the room. "She's funny," he said. He had countless other descriptive words for Wynn that would have been far better suited for her (lovely, amazing, brilliant), but he thought funny was a safe choice.

"I saw her in the restroom so I told her to come over here," Britney said, still looking down at the menu.

They sat there for a few minutes, but Ryan couldn’t stop wondering what Wynn said. He tried to remember back and put the pieces together, but he only caught part of what she was saying. There was no mistaking the look in her eyes, though. She was stressed, and tortured, and hopeful all at the same time, and he had to know more about what she was feeling. He couldn't let her just walk away like that.

"Hey, I just thought of something I need to tell Wynn," he said, causing Britney to look up from her menu with a curious expression.

He gave her a reassuring smile. "I'll be back in a little bit. You can order for me if you want. I'll have the salmon."

Britney looked over his shoulder as if trying to find Wynn, but Ryan didn't offer any more explanation.

"I'll be back in a few," he said, standing to head to the corner booth.

Ryan walked through the aisles, feeling more and more agitated by the two-year gap since the time he last saw Wynn. He wanted to toss her over his shoulder and march out of there with her. He wanted to force her to come to her senses and run away with him.

"Hey Ryyyyaaan!" Claire said in an exaggerated tone when he finally made it to their booth. She motioned for two other people to get out so that she could make her way to the edge of the booth for a hug.

"You may as well follow her," Ryan said, looking directly at Wynn, who was sitting in the booth, looking like she wasn't planning on getting up.

She smiled at him when he said it, and he felt that familiar pang in his chest at the sight of it. It had been two years since he'd seen that smile and it made him short of breath just like it did back then. Claire and Wynn stood near the edge of the booth while the two other people slid back into the seats behind them. Claire introduced everyone briefly, and Ryan waved and nodded, but it was obvious by his body language that he was there to talk to Wynn.

Claire elbowed Wynn excitedly after introductions were made and they were all three standing face-to-face. It was the body language of a girl who was being excited for her friend who was getting to talk to some guy she liked, only it was surreal to Ryan that it was happening with their specific scenario.

"It's Ryan," Claire said to Wynn. She took her by the shoulders, and shook her a little when she said it like Wynn should snap out of it and appreciate the situation.

Ryan was completely flabbergasted, and he actually looked over his shoulder to see if there was some other guy named
Ryan
behind him that Claire could have been referring to.

"You’ve been working out," Claire said, squeezing the top of Ryan's arm as she propped on the edge of the seat.

He smiled at her and flexed a little causing her to laugh.

Wynn swallowed so loudly they could all three hear.

"I started doing Jiu-Jitsu when I moved to Philly," he said. "I think I've probably put on a little weight since I saw you.

"Oh, I saw you at Irene's, remember?" Claire said. But she cut herself off when she realized that he was clearly talking to Wynn. The two of them just stood there and stared at each other like there was no one else in the room. "Talk to him," Claire urged, reaching out to poke Wynn. "Tell him what you were telling me."

Ryan continued to look at Wynn, who shook her head. "I'm good," she said.

"I know you're good," Claire said, "but I'm saying you should talk to Ryan. Tell him the things you told me."

She looked at Wynn with wide-eyes that conveyed a message. It was apparent, even to Ryan, who was a man and didn't usually pick up on female subtleties, that they were having some unspoken conversation. Wynn's dark hair was parted way over to the side, causing her long bangs to fall across her face. He wanted to reach out and brush it back so he could see her eyes more clearly. He had to resist the urge to reach up and do it.

"What do you think about stepping outside for a second?" Ryan asked, looking directly at Wynn.

"I think that's a great idea," Claire said, patting them both on their shoulders. "You're not really gonna be able to talk over here at this table, and you're certainly not gonna do it at his table, so outside's a great choice." She paused and patted their shoulders again. "Outside's great. You two have a lot of catching up to do."

Before either of them knew what was going on, they were headed across the restaurant toward the door.

Ryan didn't necessarily feel like doing it, but out of respect for Britney, he stopped by their table to let her know what was going on. "I have to run to my car for a minute," he said.

Britney looked at him, and then Wynn, and then back to him.

"I have something to give her," he added gesturing to Wynn. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Britney nodded, but her usually cheerful smile had dampened and was now a cautious one.

"I'm just gonna go with him," Wynn added nervously as they both walked away.

Ryan led the way across the dining room and out the door, each of them speaking to someone they recognized on the way out.

Chapter 12

"What'd you need to get from your car?" I asked when we stepped outside.

We began walking on the sidewalk toward the parking lot. I looked at Ryan, and he glanced at me.

"Nothing," he said. "I just didn't hear anything you said in there."

We continued to walk slowly toward his car even though we were apparently going there for no reason. I stole glances of him from the corner of my eye. He walked with a confident stride that made him seem taller even though I was relatively sure he was too old to have grown since the last time I saw him. I was almost ashamed of the level of attraction I felt toward him, like I should have seen his potential before, and I was a bad person for not doing so.

"Why are you so quiet?" he asked. "You look like the old Wynn, but you're not acting like her."

"I'm not the old Wynn," I said, remembering how low I had been for the last few weeks and how changed I felt as a result of it.

"What's changed?" he asked. "Besides the hair."

I smiled and pushed at his shoulder.

"I like it," he said, defending himself with a smile and a brief karate pose. "It looks good. You look good."

We continued toward the parking lot, walking slowly and almost aimlessly on the sidewalk.

"
You
look good," I said since it was the elephant in the proverbial room.

"I guess I've put on a little weight since the last time I saw you," he said with a shy smile.

He was still my same Ryan, but he was different, too. He had become a man in so many ways—he was making his way in the world. Goodness, even his voice sounded deeper.

I stared into his eyes for a few seconds, wondering what he was thinking. "I'm sorry I made you leave your date," I said.

"It's fine. I wouldn't have come to your table if I didn't want to see you."

"I didn't expect you to be here tonight," I said.

He let out a laugh as we came to a stop near the front of a truck. "I didn't expect you to be here either," he said with such conviction that I found it funny. I giggled.

"You sounded good," he said. "Your voice has gotten even better. I didn't think that was possible, but it has."

I couldn’t stop a sarcastic laugh from escaping my lips.

"What?" he asked. "I'm serious. I think I forgot just how amazing you were… are."

I shook my head at him shyly. "I appreciate you being so sweet, but I haven’t felt too amazing lately," I said. "I left Austin on sort of bad terms."

"What happened?"

I shook my head, not wanting to mention or even think about Marcus. "I just kind of have a bad taste in my mouth about music right now," I said. I paused and sighed, trying to muster up a smile. I could hardly stand to look at him. It was so obvious to me what a catch he was now, that I stared at him, feeling unable to believe that I hadn't seen it before. I had never regretted anything more in my whole life.

My thoughts turned to Britney who was sitting inside waiting for us to return. "Where'd you meet her?" I asked.

"Through a friend," he said. "She's in school at LSU. I only see her about every other weekend when she comes back to see her parents."

"I'm sure she's not just coming to see her parents," I said with a little sideways smile. "She studying to be a lawyer?" I added since I was nervous, and rambling seemed to be my go-to move for the night. He nodded, and I glanced down and kicked at nothing on the sidewalk, thinking about how cool it was that she was going to be a lawyer.

I felt like my decisions were terrible compared to hers. I should have just been focusing on getting a real job this whole time.

I should have chosen Ryan.

I should have been able to throw myself into his arms instead of standing there, pretending I barely knew him.

"I hope you're not thinking about quitting music," he said, regarding me out of the corner of his eyes like he was scared of how I might respond to that.

I sighed and smiled, and then shrugged as I stared at him. I didn't want to lie, but it was hard to say the truth. "I didn't expect them to ask me up there tonight," I said. "I was thinking I'd take a little time off."

"Looks like that didn't work out," he said dryly.

I smiled at him. "Looks like," I agreed.

"I'm glad it didn't," he said. "It would be a shame if it did. You can't keep that gift all to yourself. That'd be really selfish of you."

He was serious, and his sincerity made the statement just about the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. My heart was beating a million miles an hour. Ryan and I were just standing there on a wide-open sidewalk with about two feet of space in between us. His words hit my heart in such a way that I literally had a warm feeling in my chest. In fact, warmth flooded my body as I stared at him.

He had changed in the best possible ways, and I thought of how the tables had turned.

I knew we wouldn't be able to stand there all evening, so I had to say something to let him know how I felt. I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least apologize while I had the chance.

"I'm sorry for the way things ended," I said.

Ryan didn't say anything right away, so I let out a sigh like I was looking for the right words to continue.

He waited to hear what I would say next.

"I was sort of lost when I left Austin. I got caught in this huge storm when I was coming home, and I felt like I was changing directions—like God was…" I hesitated, shaking my head. "I just had all these thoughts during the storm, and then there you were. It's like I thought about you, and then I just couldn’t stop. I had myself all convinced that I could find you and somehow we'd pick up where we…"

I shook my head again, knowing I was saying way too much. Ryan reached out and put his hand on my back to comfort me. The feel of his warm hand on my back sent an electrical current shooting through my body from the point of contact. I was so overwhelmed with emotion and regret that a few tears spilled out onto my cheek. I shook my head to try to clear them away.

"Wynn," he said. He breathed my name as he pulled me into his arms. His arms came around me, and I rested my head on his chest, which was substantially broader than I remembered.

"We can pick up where we left off," he said. "I'm here now, and so are you. I'll be teaching at Tulane, so I'm sure we can use some of the practice space in the music department. If not, we can figure something out at my house."

He pulled back to stare at me as if his words should have made me feel better.
Could he possibly think I was referring to playing in a band this whole time? I shook my head.

"I don't care about getting the band together," I said. "Music's not even really on my radar right now. I was talking about other stuff—saying I should have chosen you that night."

I stopped talking and stepped away from him, shaking my head in frustration and embarrassment.
He had a perfectly good female with a bright future waiting for him inside. Who was I to think that I could just roll back into town and say the word to make Ryan come running?

I smiled and started walking back toward the restaurant because I knew we couldn’t get by with being out there too much longer.

"What?" he asked, catching me by the arm before I could walk away.

I shrugged out of his grasp, but not because I wanted to—mainly because I was afraid the electricity we shared was actually visible and might cause a spark or at least some sort of glow.

"What did you say?" he asked.

"I said I was wrong for choosing Marcus. It was a bad choice." I paused and smiled sadly. "The first of a long string of them," I added. "Two years worth."

Ryan stared at me with a serious expression. I knew I had hurt him. He would be right to harbor a grudge—or at least to be cautious in moving forward. I felt the need to let him off the hook, so I pretended it wasn't such a big deal even though my heart was in a thousand pieces and I had the remnants of fresh wet tears on my cheeks. I smiled as I turned to walk back to the restaurant. "I just wanted you to know that." I said, still acting casual and waving for him to follow me back inside.

He reached out and grabbed my arm, preventing me from going anywhere. I squirmed a little, but he kept a gentle grip on me, knowing I wanted him to.

Our eyes met.

"You're wrong if you think I'm gonna be a gentleman about this," he said.

I blinked at him, at a total loss for words. I had a warm syrupy feeling in my gut like I could just melt away onto the sidewalk.

"I kind of think you want to kiss me right now, and I've wanted you too long to blow a chance at that, Wynn." He took his hand off of my arm just long enough to put it around my waist. He pulled me so close that our bodies were touching. I felt crazy with desire—woozy with it. He was everything I ever wanted, and he was right there in front of me the whole time.

"We're right out in the open," I said without taking my eyes off of his. I found it difficult to breathe.

"I know," he said. "But I'm not prepared to move right now. I'm pretty sure this is my big moment."

I smiled up at him, but then my smile faded as I followed the lines of his lips, and I thought about what they'd feel like against mine.

"You're wrong if you think I'm gonna stop you from kissing me." I said.

He stared at my face, letting his eyes roam all over it from my eyes down to my mouth. His stormy grey-blue eyes fixed on my mouth in such a way that I knew for sure what he wanted to do. "You really have no idea how long I've wanted this," he said in a calm measured tone as he stared at me.

"I think not doing it is my most regrettable regret."

"I hate regrets," he said.

"They're the worst."

"Wynn."

"What?"

"I don't care about the repercussions of this."

I shook my head, feeling terrible for letting him ruin a good relationship for me when I wasn't even worthy of him in the first place.

"Are you sleeping with her?" I asked since my unworthiness was in the forefront of my mind.

He gave me a cautious glance like he didn't know what to make of my question. "No," he said softly but seriously.

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling flooded with relief and, at the same time, shame.

"What?" he asked, squeezing my waist.

"You," I said. "I'm not the same as you. I'm not good enough for you. I made bad choices, and it's not even like I feel cool or worldly because of them. I just flat-out regret them. I regret giving that piece of myself to someone like that. I feel so happy that you're not with that girl in there, and at the same time, I was living with somebody, someone who wasn't even a nice guy." I paused, shaking my head at the shame I felt. "I really shouldn't let you mess things up with your…" I hesitated, unable to say the word
girlfriend
. "She's actually really nice," I said. I gave him a sad smile. "I thought I could hate her, but it's sort of impossible."

"Stop talking about her," Ryan said.

"She exists," I said, calling attention to that fact.

"Yeah, but she's not you, Wynn."

I took in his perfect face, thinking about how selfish it would be of me to have him when he deserved so much better.

"We can't," I said.

He shook his head. "It's too late. You promised."

"I didn't promise."

"Yes you did. You said, 'you're wrong if I'm gonna keep you from kissing me'." He scrunched up his face. "Which I'm almost positive means you knew I was about to kiss you, and you were okay with it."

"Yeah, but that was like five minutes ago," I said. "The moment's probably passed by now."