My One Regret (Martin Family Book 3) (5 page)

Chapter 7

"Is it moving day?" Claire asked when she picked up the phone.

Her voice came over the speakers, which prompted me to turn the stereo off and hold the phone to my ear.

"I'm on my way," I said. "Mom's riding with me, and Dad's got a trailer hooked to his truck. He's in front of us."

"I'll come by tonight," she said.

"I know you have to work tomorrow, so don't feel bad if you can't make it."

She laughed. "You crossin' over to knowin' what day of the week it is?" she asked, teasing me.

I giggled even though I was in a melancholy mood.

"No, I want to come see you," she added. "Plus, it's been a month or so since I've been to my mom's. It'll give me a chance to go by her house."

"Hey, I was wondering about Ryan," I said feeling like I couldn’t stand the small talk any longer.

"Ryan who?" she asked.

I let out a sigh that said I thought that was a ridiculous question.

"Collins?" she asked before I could say anything.

"Yes," I said, trying to say as little as possible since my mom was sitting right there.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because there was this storm, and I had this whole chain of thoughts about God and everything, and then Ryan just came to my mind. I hate the way I left. I wanted to see if I could connect with him again."

"I actually saw him the other night," she said.

"You did, why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't really think you would care, to tell you the truth. I've seen him another time recently, and I didn't even think about telling you about that one, either."

"Well, I would want to know," I said, feeling genuinely heartbroken at the memory of rejecting him. Ryan would have never stolen money from me, and he would have never said the things Marcus said. He would have been incapable of either of those things, and I flat-out rejected him.
What was wrong with me. How had I been so blind?

I heard Claire giggle on the other end. "I never know what in the world you're gonna come up with, Wynn. I never dreamed you'd be calling about Ryan Collins—sayin' you'd want to know where he's been."

"I didn't know I would want to know, either. There was just this huge storm and then, we were passing through Lafayette, and—"

Claire cut me off by saying, "He's doing really well."

"What?" I asked since I'd been talking when she spoke.

"Ryan," she said. "He's been doing real well. He ended up writing some novel while he was working on his doctorate in Pennsylvania, and it went big. I think there's talk of making it a movie or something. Sam told me that part, so I'm not sure if it's true. Ryan did say he's about to start teaching at Tulane when I ran into him."

"Tulane?" I asked.

"Yeah, I think he's living close to me, because the restaurant where I saw him is right down the street from my house and he said he lived in that neighborhood."

I smiled and let out a relieved sigh. "Oh my gosh, you have no idea how glad I am to hear he's living in New Orleans," I said. "I guess I just pictured him staying in Philly since that's where he was moving when I left. I thought I would have to go all the way up there to see him."

"I hope you're not trying to
see him
, see him," she said.

"Why not?"

"Because he's with someone."

My heart broke. I felt it happen, like a painful knot forming in my chest. It wasn't that I thought I needed another boyfriend right away, I just imagined there was something to the storm, and then my thoughts turning to Ryan the way they did. I already had my hopes up that I get redemption with him, and it honestly shocked me to hear her say he had someone else.

"Are you there?" she asked since I was quiet for a long time.

"Yeah. Who is she?"

"I don't know. I ran into him when I was out to eat at Irene's. We were by the restrooms, so it wasn't like we talked for very long. He told me about getting a job at Tulane. He asked about you, and I told him you were still loving it in Austin, because at that point, you were. He said he was there with his girlfriend and that her name was Britney or Bethany or something like that. I think it was Britney. She had her back turned towards our table, so I didn't get a good look at her. I didn't think you would care so much, or I would have taken more notes. I did see that he'd been working out, though."

"Why would you tell me that and what does that even mean?"

She laughed at me like she thought it was cute I was so concerned. "It means he's bigger. He went off and became a man since the last time I saw him."

"Why would you ever say something like that?" I asked, which only made her laugh more. "I was already regretting everything, and now you're torturing me with this."

"Are you serious?" she asked.

"Not really," I said, since it wasn't like me to be dramatic about things like that. "I guess I just thought about him and was hoping we could connect."

"Well, I don't see why you couldn't connect," she said. "He's probably got the same phone number if you want to call him. I just thought you should know there's a Britney."

"That pretty much stinks," I said dryly.

"I'm glad to see you're over that other scuzbag, anyway," she said.

I stared at the road for a second, thinking about Marcus and all the time I wasted with him. "I should have never gone to Austin," I said.

My mom, who could hear my side of the conversation, reached out to rub my leg comfortingly, but I didn't look at her for fear that I'd cry.

"Don't say that," Claire said. "We all make choices. It is what it is."

"Yeah, and now there's a Britney."

"You're just reminiscing about Ryan because you're in Lafayette," she said. "There's plenty of fish in New Orleans. And by fish I mean guys."

I sighed. "Yep," I agreed, since I knew that's what she wanted to hear. "All right, I'll see you later tonight."

"I'll head that way now so I can stop by my mom's," Claire said. "Call me when you pull up at your mom's."

"I will," I promised.

I hung up the phone, and silent tears began streaming down my face. I did my very best to hold them back, but my body was unwilling to cooperate. My face contorted and I turned to the side wiping my cheeks so my mother wouldn't see.

My attempt to hide my tears was in vain. "Honeyyy," Mom cooed, looking at me from over the console.

"It's not that big of a deal," I said. "I'm just a little fragile right now, that's all."

"I know you are, baby. Why don't you just give your heart a little time to heal? This Marcus thing is still fresh."

"It's not that I just want a boyfriend," I said wiping at my face. "I just felt like Ryan was in my heart all of a sudden. It was that storm, and then these thoughts I had, and it all culminated with me thinking about Ryan, and thinking my road would lead to him. Obviously, it was stupid for me to get my hopes up. It's been two years since I've seen him."

"Just give your heart a little time to heal, baby," my mom repeated. "God's got someone picked out for you. Just be patient."

I nodded, but I knew I wouldn't be able to leave it alone. I knew myself well enough to know that I'd end up trying to contact Ryan, even if only to apologize.

***

It was 7PM when we arrived at my parents' house. We knew we'd be getting there at roughly that time, so Aunt Debbie made dinner and brought it by for us. She sent my cousin, Cam, actually. We were making loads from the trailer to the house when he pulled into the driveway and got out of his truck, balancing covered dishes.

"Red beans and cornbread," he said, with a wide smile aimed at me as he lifted the dishes.

"Yumm," I said, even though I wasn't hungry.

"You look like you could use a little cornbread and some beans," he said, leaning in to hug me even though his arms were full.

I didn't have a box in my hands at the moment, so I wrapped my hands around his waist and gave him a squeeze before taking one of the dishes he was carrying.

"Glad you're home," he said as we started walking toward the side door of the house.

I smiled at him. "Me too," I said.

"I don't need to go beat anybody up, do I?" he asked, inspecting my appearance as if trying to gauge how sad I was.

"No, no, no, no, no," I said, acting maybe a little too casual. "We just, uh, broke up for mutual reasons or whatever."

"Okaaay," Cam said a little skeptically.

We came inside and set the dishes onto the counter. I turned as my parents came from down the hall. "We're just stacking everything in the dining room for right now," my mom said. "Oh, hey Cameron," she said, catching sight of him for the first time.

"Hey Aunt Kathy," he said. "Uncle Mitch."

"Hey Cam," Dad said. "What'd your mama send?"

"Red beans," Cam said.

Dad smiled and nodded like he was satisfied with that answer.

"How much you got left?" Cam asked.

"Enough for you to stay and help if you're not in a hurry."

"No sir, I was gonna offer to help if y'all needed it."

"I think Wynn wants that big purple chair upstairs in her room," Dad said. "You can start by helping me with that."

"Let's do it," Cam said.

For the next half-hour, Cam helped us get the rest of my stuff from the trailer to the house. He stuck around while we ate, catching me up on things that had been going on around there while I was gone.

My older sister, Alex, was married and had her own place. My little sister, Amelia, was about to start her junior year of college and had already moved to Florida for the semester, which meant the house was quiet.

Cam's older brother, Cole, had a baby that was a year old, and my sister, Alex, had one that was two, so our conversation turned to the babies and how advanced they both were for their age.

"How about you?" I asked when we were talking about the little ones. "Are you gonna be the next one with a baby?"

Cam shook his head. "I don't know," he said. "Not with Jolene, though."

"What?" my mom asked in an extremely shocked tone of voice that made Cam smile. "We broke up, Aunt Kathy."

"You're kidding!" she said, with wide eyes.

Cam and Jolene had been together way longer than Marcus and I had. They had wedding plans and everything.

"When did this happen?" my dad asked.

"Recently," Cam said.

"It's a good thing Debbie didn't mail those invitations yet," my mom said.

Cam shook his head. "I would have had to end it either way," he said. He winked at me. "She couldn't cook to save her life."

We all laughed since Cam was being light-hearted, but that joke made it obvious that he wasn't really going to elaborate on the details of the break-up.

"So, it's officially off?" my mom asked with a small smile, trying to keep it light.

"Yes ma'am, it's official."

"Your mama didn't tell me."

"I guess she's letting me take care of that," Cam said.

"Well, you know we're here if you ever need anything," my mom said.

Cam smiled and nodded. "Yes ma'am, I know."

I couldn't say I was relieved that Cam had broken up with Jolene, because it was really none of my business, but I will say that she never quite fit into our family and I was surprised that he dated her for so long. I'm sure people felt the same way about Marcus, but there was nothing either of us could really do about our bad relationship choices now—besides try to pick up the pieces and move on.

Chapter 8

I didn't leave my house for two full weeks when I first got back from Austin. Claire came by a few times, and so did a couple of other friends and my cousins, but I didn't put on makeup or leave the house at all.

I did a lot of thinking during that time and came to terms with the fact that God had allowed Marcus to do what he did. God could have smote Marcus the second he thought about stealing from me. God could have smote me for rejecting Ryan and going with Marcus in the first place.

The bottom line was that I was where I was because God allowed it to be so. Obviously, I had choices in the matter, but my circumstances, by no means, surprised God. My conclusion was that He allowed me to take my current path, and this gave me a sense of comfort even though I didn't much like where I was.

I felt mostly sadness and regret, but even in the midst of it, I knew I was being changed—being refined. I thought about music and the direction of my life in general. I thought about Ryan a lot, too. I tried to keep it from happening, but I couldn't escape thoughts and memories of him. I even tried telling myself I only wanted to talk to him because he had become a success, hoping to talk myself out of it, but that didn't work. I knew in my heart that was false. I would have contacted him even if he was the exact same Ryan he was when I left.

Turns out, he wasn't that same Ryan. I dug a little online, and found that the rumors Claire heard about him were mostly true. He wrote and published a historical novel as his doctoral thesis. It was,
exciting, heartfelt, and touching with a hint of romance
. (At least that's what the review in USA Today said.) It became an instant hit, and there was already talk of it becoming a television mini-series.

The article I read also confirmed that he had taken a job at Tulane, which he would start this fall. There was a picture of him, and it made my heart yearn. He was different but somehow the same. He was thicker and his posture seemed more confident, but he was still Ryan—I could see it in his eyes even though it was just a picture.

His success was so recent that there wasn't much about him online aside from a few articles with his picture and his author biography, which was brief and vague. I didn't dare search him out on social media. I knew there was a Britney involved, and the last thing I wanted to do was accidently see them in action as a couple.

In the back of my mind, I knew God would lead me to the right person, but in the front of my mind, or to the right, or all the other places in my mind, I wanted that person to be Ryan. I found it nearly impossible to forgive myself for hurting him two years before. I gave more of myself than I should have to someone who didn't even deserve me, and now I was stuck regretting it.

"I thought you were going to New Orleans," my sister, Alex, said when she came in the door at Mom's house one afternoon.

"I was, but I think I'm just gonna chill here," I said as I stooped to pick up my precious nephew who she had just set on his feet. I groaned as I lifted him onto my hip and smiled at him with wide eyes. "You're getting so big!" I said, tickling him a little and causing him to giggle.

"It's Saturday night," Alex said.

I smiled and nodded at her to let her know I was totally aware of what day it was.

"So, you should go hang out with Claire like you said you were gonna do. Mom said you've been out here all week."

"Two weeks!" my mom called from the living room. Lane heard her and started squirming in my arms, so I kissed his cheek and let him down.

"You need to make her get out of the house," Alex said.

"She wasn't feeling well," my mom said from the other side of the room as she stooped to pick up my nephew.

"There's something more to that break-up, and you know it," Alex said under her breath as she dug in the fridge.

I walked over there to stand next to her. We had seen each other several times since I came back home, and I always avoided the topic. My mom knew about what Marcus did, but I hadn't had the opportunity to tell Alex.

"He stole a bunch of money from me. I don't even know how much, but he was stealing from me."

My sister gasped quietly and cut her eyes toward our mom.

"She knows about it," I said.

"That means dad does, too, "Alex said.

I smiled sadly. "I hope not. I really didn't even want to tell you and Mom. I definitely don't want Cam and Cole to find out about it. It's embarrassing, and I'd rather just forget about it."

I was embarrassed by the circumstances of my break up with Marcus, but the primary cause of my recent inability to leave the house stemmed more from my regrets in regards to Ryan. I was sort of glad to have the Marcus story to fall back on with my mom and sister so that I didn't have to tell them the extent of my feelings for Ryan or that it was because of him that I hadn't felt like leaving the house for the past two weeks.

"Are you pressing charges?" Alex whispered from next to me in the kitchen. She looked at me, and I shook my head.

"No."

We were both quiet for several seconds, and I assumed she was thinking about what I had just told her about Marcus.

"Well, Mom said you were thinking about quitting music," Alex whispered, crossing her arms.

I sighed. "Had she already told you what Marcus did?" I asked.

Alex shook her head. "She just told me you weren't singing. She didn't mention anything about Marcus."

I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. We just stood there watching Mom play with Lane on the living room floor. They were too far away to hear anything we were saying, and they weren't paying attention, anyway.

"You need to go out with Claire," Alex said finally. "I thought you were looking forward to it."

"I was, but I'm tired. I really don't feel like getting dressed and going all the way up there."

She looked at me with an impassive expression. "Wynn, you'll feel much better if you get out of the house and catch up with some of your friends." She paused and smiled as she poked at me. "And don't give me any of this
I'm not doing music anymore
crap, because that's not happening."

I smiled, but it wasn't my old Wynn smile, and she knew it. Our eyes locked and she regarded me with a sincere expression.

"I really think you should go tonight. I felt good about it when mom told me you were getting out of the house. I think you'll have fun if you just make yourself do it."

"Since when are you such a big fan of me going out?"

"Since never." She paused and shrugged. "Mom told me you were going, and I felt like it was a good thing, that's all. I was happy to hear you were getting out of the house."

I glanced into the living room and narrowed my eyes at my mother. "Did she tell you I was still in my pajamas?" I asked figuring out why Alex had "unexpectedly" dropped by.

Alex smiled and shrugged. "Maybe. She wants to see you have fun with your friends. We both do. We're not used to sad Wynn. She's new to us, and we'd like to send her back to Austin and have happy Wynn back."

I let out a little humorless laugh. "Happy Wynn's in here somewhere," I said. "I'll find her after enough Ben and Jerry's."

Alex laughed as she reached out to pinch my side. "You
need
some Ben and Jerry's," she said. "You're looking like Mrs. Lewis." (Mrs. Lewis was one of our high school English teachers who was virtually skin and bones.) I had never been compared to her before, and the comment made me let out a laugh, one that was slightly more genuine than the others that came before it.

"I don't knowwww," I said, stretching.

My sister knew that I was saying I didn't know if I could muster up the desire to go to New Orleans, and she reached out to rub my belly as I stretched.

"Go," she said. "Take that first step. Get out of the house. You'll be glad you did."

I gave her a tired smile as I stared at her, and she reached out and pinched my cheek. "Get dressed and go," she said. "You got to start living again sometime, it might as well be tonight."

I let out a sigh since I already had my brain all wrapped around staying home.

She smacked my bottom, and I let out a little yelp. "Do it," she said. "You already have plans. Just stick with them."

I let out another long sigh as I turned to head to my bedroom. My mom knew exactly why Alex had come over there, so she smiled knowingly at me as I crossed the living room headed for the stairs. I narrowed my eyes at her, which only made her smile broaden.

"Give me a minute to talk to Mom, and I'll come visit while you're getting dressed!" Alex called as I walked up the stairs.

I nodded, wondering why in the world I had just agreed to get dressed to go out when it was just about the last thing I wanted to do. Alex was normally the one worried about me—the one who warned me about going out, and always made sure I carried a bottle of mace. I wondered why she had her heart set on me going to meet Claire that evening, and I asked her as much while we were upstairs. She said she just had a feeling that I wouldn't regret going—that she thought I'd regret staying more than going, and she felt like she needed to tell me that. She even went as far as to say she had "a peace" with me going that night, and I had to laugh at her for bringing God into it.

I was glad she came upstairs while I was getting dressed. We had some good sister time. I had just cut about 8 inches off of my hair, and she helped me style it. It now rested just above my shoulders instead of halfway down my back, and I wasn't quite used to dealing with it. Alex helped me put loose waves all over with a curling iron, and I turned upside-down and shook it out, causing it to stand on end. I knew it would fall by itself, so I sprayed it and left it like that.

My sister and mom both seemed really relieved by my willingness to do something edgy with my hair—like it was a symbol that I was returning to my old self. I wore a pair of shorts with a loose black top that hung off of one shoulder, exposing my pink tank top. I added an assortment of necklaces and bracelets and finished the look with bubble gum pink Chuck Taylors that matched my tank top. Mom and Alex were pleased as punch with themselves for their hand in my choice of outfit even though I put the whole thing together myself. I think they were just happy that I was finally getting out of the house and looked a little bit like my old self.

It took me nearly an hour to drive to my destination in New Orleans, and I thought about turning around the entire time. I stayed the course and arrived at the restaurant not long after the band was scheduled to start.

I was meeting Claire, along with some people from her work at a restaurant where a jazz band was playing. We studied jazz history and played in an ensemble during college, so Claire had an affinity for it, and I liked it, too. Besides, Alex was right; I needed to get out of the house. I smiled as I walked into the restaurant, hearing familiar jazz chords playing.