My One Regret (Martin Family Book 3) (6 page)

Chapter 9

Jackie B's was a popular steakhouse that had live jazz two times a week. New Orleans was famous for brass bands that played up-tempo songs for dancing and marching in parades, but Jackie B's always had regular jazz bands who played standards and ballads, more like background music.

I could see the stage from the door when I walked in, and I took note that it was a four-piece band with drums, bass, piano, and sax. I recognized the pianist as a guy named Chris Jefferies, and knew he had been the one who put the band together.

They were playing without a singer, which was pretty typical since most of the tunes they played were instrumental pieces anyway. I had been checking out the band so intently that it took me by surprise when the hostess approached me with a quizzical look on her face.

"Are you meeting someone?" she asked, smiling at me.

I used to know a few people who worked at Jackie B's, but this girl didn't look familiar to me. "I'm meeting Claire King and a group, but I'm not sure what name the table is under."

Her smile broadened. "Of course, Claire told me she had another friend joining them," she said. "She's over in the corner booth." She waved for me to follow her, and I did, thinking the whole time about how weird it was that I'd been out of this loop for two whole years. Life went on without me. Claire and the group from her work were sitting in a huge, circular booth in the far corner of the room.

I made eye contact with Chris (who was sitting at the piano but not playing since the bassist was taking a solo). We smiled at each other instantly, but then he recognized me, and his smile broadened as he added a little wave. I waved back as I followed the new girl toward the booth.

Claire made a few people get out of the way so she could scoot to the edge of the booth and stand up to meet me. "Oh my goodness, you look so beautiful!" she said, hugging me. "I'm so glad you decided to come."

I hugged her back. "You look great, too," I said.

We scooted into the booth and she introduced me to the people at the table. I already knew two of them, but there were three others I had never met.

"I didn't know Chris was playing tonight," I said.

"Yeah, and you know Gino," she added.

I glanced at the stage and realized I did know the drummer as well. We talked about music in between listening to the band and eating appetizers. Part of me wanted to be back home in my pajamas, but part of me was glad I had gotten out. Of all the things I could have been doing, this was a good option. I was comfortable with Claire and her friends. I knew I could just sit there and watch the music if I wanted. I didn't need to entertain anyone.

I had been there for about an hour when Chris Jefferies stood up to introduce the band. All of us sitting around the table stopped talking so we could applaud as he stated the names and credentials of each band member. He said the band would be there every second Saturday of the month and that we should all come back to see them next time. "Our next song was written by the late great Miles Davis and is called So What," Chris said, finishing up his speech. A few people cheered at that, which made him pause and smile. "After that, we'll play one called Fever. I played it one time with a friend of mine named Wynn Martin, who happens to be here tonight. We had a lot of fun with it, and I'd like to do it again if she could come join us on stage."

"Whatchu goin' do if she don't come?" the drummer yelled out, teasing Chris and making everyone laugh.

Chris put the mic up to his mouth and squinted around the restaurant as if searching for me. "I guess imma hafta sing it myself if she don’t come," he said in an extremely reluctant, silly way.

He knew me well enough to know I would never leave him hanging. I had performed with him at least a dozen times in the past, and as far as he was concerned, inviting me on stage was something I'd be thankful for—a sure bet.

Everyone sitting near me at the booth started nudging me and carrying on as if his invitation was the most exciting thing that could have happened. I wasn't ready for this yet, but I made myself do it for fear of embarrassing Chris.

I smiled and waved to him and he faked a little swoon from center stage as if he was thankful I had agreed. "This next one's called So What," he mumbled with a little smile before hanging the mic in its stand and making his way back to the piano.

I had approximately five minutes to get myself together and make my way to the stage. Marcus's words came back to me, threatening to shake my confidence. I started thinking maybe I could go up there and tell Chris I had laryngitis or something. The only saving grace was that I knew the song Fever forward and backward. It fit my voice well and was one I had performed tons of times.

It was still extremely difficult to stand up and walk over there. I said a little prayer while I was on my way, asking for the strength to get through this. I made it to the edge of the stage just as the Miles Davis song was ending.

Chris winked at me as I carried the mic and stand to the center of the stage. I considered carrying the mic by itself, but I loved using a stand so that I could fidget and gesture about while I was singing. Those types of things had always been part of my stage presence in the past. I thought about changing it up since I felt like I'd been changed in general, but my hands just wouldn't cooperate with leaving the mic stand at the edge of the stage. I was smiling at myself as I took my position in the center of the stage and placed the mic into its clip. I cleared my throat before looking at Chris as I spoke into the mic.

"I wasn't expecting to sing tonight," I said, my voice coming out more tentatively than I expected. I cleared my throat again as I smiled and squinted into the stage lights. It had only been a couple of weeks since my last gig, but it felt like a lifetime. Being up there in front of an audience seemed somehow foreign and new. "So, I didn't have my lemon-water."

The crowd responded to my dry sense of humor with a round of laughs that made me feel slightly better.

I smiled. "These guys sound amazing tonight, don't they?"

The audience clapped and cheered, and I took a second to turn around and greet each of the members of the band with a smile. "Hey Wynn," Gino said from behind the drum kit. I smiled and waved at him before facing the audience again.

"I guess we're gonna do Fever for you guys, so here goes nothin'—" I said, but even as I started talking, the guy playing upright bass started plucking away at his instrument, making that familiar series of notes at the beginning of the song.

"Sounds like Fever to me," I said, smiling as I situated myself in front of the mic stand.

The bass player continued to play several rounds before the drummer joined him. I let them play an intro for longer than the original recording, and then I joined them by snapping for a round or two before I came in with the vocals. There was a small round of applause from my snapping alone, which helped me out since I was feeling somewhat self-conscious at the moment. I smiled a little as I closed my eyes and began to sing.

"Never know how much I love you,

Never know how much I care,

When you put your arms around me,

I get a fever that's so hard to bear.

You give me fever when you kiss me,

Fever when you hold me tight,

Fever in the morning,

A fever all through the night."

It was a song I had performed so many times that I just sort of relaxed and fell into the lyrics headfirst. I sang the whole first verse with my eyes closed, but I smiled and opened them when everyone broke into applause. People always loved it when they'd been listening to an instrumental band and a singer came up on stage. It wasn't necessarily because I was an amazing vocalist or anything, but the audience was certainly reacting as if that was the case, and I smiled, remembering how much I enjoyed the thrill of performance. I opened my eyes and looked all around, enjoying myself even though I totally thought I wouldn't.

"Sun lights up the daytime,"
I sang, continuing the second verse.

"Moon lights up the night,

I light up when you call my name,

And you know I'm going to treat you right.

You give me fever when you kiss me,

Fever when you hold me tight,

Fever in the morning,

A fever all through the night."

Gino, the drummer, had been playing little low drumbeats on cue while I was singing, and I danced and gave the crowd some shoulder action during the places when he did that, which they loved. I glanced back at him, and we shared a conspiratorial smile.

It was right after I glanced at Gino that it happened.

As soon as I turned and looked back into the restaurant, I saw him.

Ryan.

Ryan Collins.

My Ryan.

I was so stunned that it didn't even register that I should be singing. We were at the bridge and I had already missed the opportunity to sing the entire first part.

"Everybody's got the fever,

that is something you all know," was completely skipped, and I had to catch up at,

"Fever isn't such a new thing,

Fever started long ago."

Thankfully, there was a little drum and bass solo before it was time for me to sing the third verse. I continued to snap and smile and act casual even though my heart was about to beat right out of my chest.

Ryan.

He was there.

I wanted to jump off of the stage and go running into his arms. I wanted to cry and beg him to forgive me for being so stupid two years ago. He glanced at the stage, and instantly made eye contact with me. My eyes were locked with his when I sang.

"Romeo loves Juliet,

Juliet she felt the same,

When he put his arms around her,

He said Julie baby you are my flame,

Thou giveth fever,

when we kisseth,

Fever with thy flaming youth,

Fever I'm on fire,

Fever, yeah, I burn forsooth."

I sang the whole verse to him before he broke eye contact with me. It wasn't until he leaned over to speak to the girl next to him that I realized she was standing there. I could see, even from a distance that she had dark hair and dark eyes and resembled, well, me. I was staring straight at my replacement, and the sight of them together made me feel all buzzy and nervous inside.

There was a whole verse about Captain Smith and Pocahontas, which I mostly skipped in favor of letting the band play. I chimed in with some intermittent skatting and dancing, but opted for basically skipping that verse while I tried not to stare at Ryan and his date.

They seemed to be in a serious conversation, and I wondered if Ryan was considered leaving now that he had seen me. I couldn't let him leave. There was no way I could be in the same room with him and just let him walk away.

I started in on the last verse as the hostess led them to a booth in the center of the restaurant.

"Now you've listened to my story,

Here's the point that I have made,

Chicks were born to give you fever,

Be at Fahrenheit or centigrade,

They give you fever when you kiss them,

Fever if you live and learn,

Fever till you sizzle,

What a lovely way to burn,

What a lovely way to burn,"

I continued saying, "
What a lovely way to burn
," A few more times, getting softer and softer each time. I was dancing and smiling and really getting into it with the other band members, which made the crowd respond with whoops and yells and catcalls.

They erupted in applause as soon as we ended the song, and I laughed and bowed before turning to gesture to the musicians behind me.

Chris stood from his piano to hug me before I walked away. "Everybody give it up for Wynn Martin!" I heard him say as I stepped off the stage.

Chapter 10

The whole thing was like a dream. I waved to the audience as I stepped off the stage, but I was on autopilot, and it felt a bit like I was standing outside my own body.

I had no choice but to walk by Ryan's table on the way back to my own, so I did the only logical thing. I went to the restroom instead. I could not catch my breath, let alone carry on a decent conversation. I felt like a panting dog as I made my way through the restaurant toward the restrooms, which were situated by the bar.

"Soundin' good, Wynn Dixie," Kiesha, the bartender said as I approached the hallway that led to the ladies room. She had been working there for years, and we had always gotten along well.

I said, "Thank you," and smiled and waved to her as I walked by.

There was at least one person in the bathroom stalls, but I was the only person at the vanity, so I just stood there, looking at myself in the mirror as I leaned on the sink.

Ryan had changed so much since the last time I saw him. There I was, falling in love with the memory of him, and he shows up looking way better than I expected. I had seen a recent picture of him, but it was a whole different ballgame seeing him in person. He had some product in his hair, which made it seem darker than it used to be, in turn making his eyes appear even lighter. All this, I could see from across the room. He was also bigger, and somehow more confident looking, and he wore nicely tailored grown-up man clothes. He was a presence in the room where a younger Ryan might have been overlooked. The more I thought about what he looked like, the more I psyched myself up not to go back out there.

I was sort of mad at him for improving himself so much since I'd been gone. If he had stayed just the way he was when I left, I wouldn't hesitate to go after him, but as it stood, I felt wrong for even thinking about it—like people would think I only wanted him because he wrote a hit book and he grew up to be a handsome man who wore tailored clothes. I was just about to say something to myself regarding the fact that I couldn't stay in the bathroom all night, but before I did, one of the stalls opened and a lady came to stand next to me.

"I caught that song," the lady, a middle-aged woman with her hair in a French-twist said to me.

I glanced at her with a smile.

"You've got a beautiful voice," she said.

"Thank you." I turned on the sink and got my hands wet so it wouldn't seem like I was standing there, which I clearly was.

"I saw you when you sang with a band one time. It was you and that other girl."

I nodded. "Claire's here tonight," I said. "I should have made her come up there with me."

I dried my hands and told the lady to enjoy her evening before heading back into the restaurant. She returned the sentiment, and I walked out, smiling at her from over my shoulder.

"Oh, hey!" a girl's voice said when I opened the door. At first, it didn't register that the girl was the same one who had come with Ryan. When I heard, "
Oh, hey
," I assumed it was Claire, so I was stunned speechless when the stark realization hit me that it was Britney (or some other girl who was Ryan's date). "That song was great," she said, as if we were old friends. "I'm sorry we only caught the last bit of it."

"Oh, thank you," I said, since I could think of nothing else.

We were standing in the doorway, and had to move to the side so someone could come in. I smiled and let the door fall onto her hand, assuming that our conversation was over and we were going our separate ways, but she stepped out into the hallway with me as if she didn't think we were done.

"My boyfriend was telling me about you when we first came in," she said. "Y'all used to be in a band together."

I honest-to-goodness felt like I was having heart trouble—palpitations were definitely happening. There was a searing, burning sensation shooting through my chest.
Boyfriend, really? And only two seconds into our conversation.
What was worse was that it was like I was looking in a mirror. The girl had dark hair and eyes, and she even had some of my same features. I scanned her face, feeling like I was in some sort of nightmare.

"I'm a singer, too," she said smiling from ear to ear.

There was an extended pause before I could manage to say, "Oh, really?"

She nodded. "Not like you," she said like I was really something. "But I do praise and worship at our church."

Again, the stabbing sensation happened in my chest. I felt dizzy and disoriented as I stood there and stared at her. It was like I was looking at the decent version of myself… the one who was smart enough to choose Ryan instead of that bum.

"I've never tried any jazz," she continued. "Ryan's always trying to show me some jazz songs." She laughed and shook her head. "He's actually mentioned liking that one you just sang."

The searing sensation in my chest was unexplainable at this point. I just smiled at her even though I felt like I might pass smack-dab out.

"Ryan's a great guy," I said in a tone that meant I was ready to get back to my table.

"Oh, he just loves you," she said. "That's why I'm so excited to meet you. He's told me so many stories about his college friends. I feel like I know you, practically."

"I'm sorry, what's your name?" I asked.

"Oh my goodness, how rude of me," she said sticking her hand out. She put a death grip on my hand and smiled excitedly, looking me in the eye. "My name's Britney Caldwell. Same family from the Caldwell and Ferguson Law Firm. My dad's a lawyer, and I'm following in his footsteps."

Was she running for mayor or something?
"Hey Britney," I said. "Nice to meet you. I'm Wynn."

"Oh, I know," she said. "The famous Wynn Martin. Ryan told me all about you." Her eyes widened and she smiled excitedly. "You have to come by the table."

"Oh, I don't know—"

"You have to," she said. "I know Ryan would love to see you."

"I might stop by there if I see y'all," I said, in a dazed surreal tone of voice that matched my mental state. I really wanted to hate this girl, and she was making it impossible.

"I need to use the ladies room, or I'd show you where we're sitting," she said. "I'm sure you can find Ryan, though. He'd really love it if you stopped by the table. I can show you where we're sitting if you want to wait just a minute."

I shook my head and smiled. "I'll look for him," I said even though I knew exactly where he was sitting.

And then she did the unthinkable. She reached out and hugged me.
Why, God?
I thought, as I hugged her back.

"I'm so happy to finally meet you," she said.

"Same here," I said with a spaced-out smile as I headed in any direction but the way she was going.

"What in the world was that?" I whispered inaudibly as I walked into the restaurant. I had no plan. I honestly didn't know whether I would stop and talk to Ryan or walk straight back to my own table.

My mind was made up the instant I saw him. I rounded the corner, looked in his direction, and our eyes met. He had obviously been watching the hallway, because He was looking straight at me when I turned the corner.

There was no question in my mind; I was going to him. I had no other choice. It was like I was being drawn toward him by magnetic force. I did not take my eyes off him the entire time I walked. The sight of him reminded me of home in so many ways. He smiled and stood up when I approached, taking me into his arms for a hug.

He felt so different than I remembered. When I left, he could've been described as skinny, and now his chest and arms were filled out like a real man. Even his face and neck were thicker, and he had some stubble lining his chin and jaw. He had on a starched, button down shirt, looking like he just walked off of a J. Crew ad.

I pulled back, smiling at him as I looked him over. My eyes roamed over his whole face and upper body before I made eye contact with him again.

To my own horror, "You smell good," was the first thing I said to him.

"So do you," he said.

He smiled and gestured for me to sit across from him at the booth so we could get out of the way of the wait staff, and I did just that.

"I met your g-irl-friend," I said, almost choking on that word as it left my mouth. I seriously had a hard time getting it out, which made Ryan smile. He was confident and unattached, nothing like the same guy who stared longingly at me the night I left.

I was completely out-of-it with nerves and fear, so I said something I would have never normally said.

"I guess you don't think of me anymore."

I regretted it even before it was completely out of my mouth, but I couldn't stop it.

Ryan stared at me from across the table. His smile faded, and he continued to look at me with an unreadable expression. It seemed as if he could see straight through me, right into my soul. "I wouldn't say that," he said.

I smiled nervously and glanced at the table.

"I'm glad we came in time to hear you sing," he said. "You think you might do another one with them?"

My eyes met his, and I shook my head. "No, I wasn't even planning on doing that one. Chris just called me up."

"I heard you were doing well in Austin," he said.

"I'm here now," I said. "I just came back a couple weeks ago." I gave him a melancholy smile that made him shoot me a curious glance. "I heard about your book," I continued.

He smiled and shook his head. "It's amazing. I never expected it to get this kind of reception."

"I did," I said. I could see from a glance toward the ladies room that Britney was headed our way and would soon be close enough to hear our conversation. "I was thinking about you before I knew you got famous or had a girlfriend. I'm probably not as good as her, and I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I do love you, Ryan."

I spoke really quickly and basically mumbled that whole last part because Britney was really close to us by that point.

Ryan regarded me with an intense, curious expression, leaning in to try to hear what I was saying.

"Oh, I'm so glad you came by!" she said. She stood next to me, waiting for me to slide out of her seat so she could sit down.

"You probably wouldn't be if you knew how I feel, but that's okay, I did it anyway, and it's all good. It was great to meet you, and great to see you again, Ryan. This is great, it's not even weird or anything, I should get back to the table because Claire and a bunch of other people and guys are over there, lots of guys." I paused my nervous rambling run-on sentence and gestured in a circling motion indicating both of them. "I hope this is fun," I said. "I hope you two have fun." I smiled and waved as I turned to head to my table, knowing I had done enough to come across as a crazy-person.

Britney just stared up at me lovingly like she thought I was brave and cool for being so weird. It was literally impossible to hate her. I glanced at Ryan with a regretful expression and mouthed the word, "Sorry," before I started back to my table.

He was wearing that same confused expression when I turned to walk away.

"How'd that go?" Claire asked, when I made it back to the table.

"I saw Ryan," I said with a wide-eyed expression.

Claire had no idea how extensive my regrets were, so to her, it wasn't that big of a deal.

"You sounded amazing up there!" she said, already moving on to the next topic.

Several people at the table agreed with her, saying different things about the song choice or the way I performed it.

I thanked them all as graciously as I could, but I was still having a bit of an out-of-body experience that made me slower to react and answer questions than usual.

"She looks just like me and she sings," I said where only Claire could hear.

She glanced at me. "Who?"

"That girl. Britney."

"She sings? What's that about? Is that how he met her?"

"I don't know," I said. "I didn't ask them that. I don't really care to know how they met. She said she sings at church. I rattled off a bunch of stuff that probably made it seem like I was in love with Ryan."

"Did you start talking fancy, Shakespeare?" she asked, nudging me.

I shook my head as I stared at the table. "No. I'm pretty sure I didn't even make any sense. I think I told her she shouldn't be glad I stopped by her table." I sank my head into my hands. "And I
liked
her," I added, helplessly. "She was really nice, and she complimented me and stuff."

"Are you in love with Ryan?" Claire asked, putting her hand on my back as I leaned forward.

My head whipped up to look at her. "What, me, Ryan? No, I'm, Ryan is, uh, Ryan's… it really doesn't matter." I paused and shook my head a little. "I probably just regret how everything turned out in Austin."

"It doesn't really help that he's so cute now," she said, gesturing to Ryan's table.

"I could have had that," I said sadly. "That could have been me over there with him."

Claire leaned over to look at me, seeming genuinely surprised that I was so bent out of shape. "You
still
can have that," she said as if I was being silly for even worrying about it. "Ryan's been in love with you from day one. All you have to do is give him the word, and he'd drop her."