My Chance (Chance #2) (8 page)

I woke in Alex’s arms. I felt so safe. I was terrified I would get horrible news later.

Alex pulled me in tighter. “Good morning, babe.” He softly kissed my lips. “You ready for today?”

I tried to smile. “Yes, I think I’m ready. I’m nervous, though. What if—”

“No what ifs okay?” he said.

We got ready and went to Doctor Fisher’s office. I’d completed the tests the day before that would determine whether or not I’d be a good candidate for the surgery. I couldn’t wait to hear what he had to say. I was nervous, excited, and terrified. I wanted to be “whole” for Alex and for us.

The doctor came in, sat at his desk and flipped through papers in a manila folder. “Well, Aubrey, I have good news and bad news. Well, not bad news. Different news. The good news is, your swelling has gone down considerably and there isn’t much fluid behind your eyes. I don’t think you need surgery.”

I was completely stunned.

“Since the swelling and fluid are low, I’m surprised that your vision hasn’t returned. I have a few questions for you. Are you opposed to discussing it with everyone here, or may I continue?”

“Um… you can discuss it. We’re all family,” I said.

Alex squeezed my hand.

The doctor asked, “Have you ever been prone to anxiety or have you experienced emotional trauma that caused you to have panic attacks or high anxiety?”

I shifted a little, shrugged, and almost whispered, “Yes. I’ve had a few panic attacks. Why?”

“Have you ever heard of Hysterical Blindness or Conversion Disorder?”

“No.” What the hell was he talking about?

“Doctor, can you please explain it to us in layman’s terms? I don’t understand what’s going on. Does Aubrey need surgery or not?” Alex sounded as scared and confused as I was.

“Aubrey, you have some fluid but not so much that requires surgery. We’ll keep an eye on it, but right now, an operation isn’t necessary. You’ve taken longer than normal to heal, but every patient is different. Conversion Disorder is when emotional or psychological stress manifests by temporarily shutting off the receptors that enable you to see. It causes you to show psychological stress in a physical manner, for example blocking your visual impulses from your eyes to your brain. It usually occurs when someone experiences emotional turmoil due to an accident or other traumatic event.”

Alex cleared his throat. “I said laymen’s terms.” He sounded aggravated.

“Yes, I apologize. In simplest terms, your brain has shut off your ability to see as a protection mechanism. I know you hit your head, and that’s why you initially had swelling and fluid. But if your blindness was due to your injury, you should be able to see by now. Dr. Beaumont wrote that you have had flashes of light and temporary vision improvement. Is that true?”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was blind because I had psychological issues? I felt so stupid and like a total head case.

“Aubrey, honey, the doctor asked you a question.” My mom sounded like the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

“I’m sorry, what?”

Dr. Fisher said, “Has your vision returned at any time?”

“Yes, my vision has returned on occasion. I’m sorry, but I’m confused. Dr. Beaumont told me I was blind because of the fluid.” I was getting upset.

Alex rubbed my hand and kissed the back of it, trying to calm me down. He must be afraid that I was going to flip out.
Great, he probably thinks he has a weirdo for a fiancée.

“I understand that. The CT scan you had in Paris wasn’t wrong, it showed fluid, but our test didn’t show as much. Are you opposed to seeing a therapist?”

I let go of Alex’s hand and stood. “Are you telling me I’m blind because I need therapy? I can see but my brain won’t let me because I’m messed up? Is that what you’re saying? I’ve missed everything around me and seeing the people I love for months because of this…” I was breathing erratically and getting the shakes. I thought my chest would explode. I tried to catch my breath. “Because I have anxiety attacks? That’s why I’m blind?” I felt Alex’s arms around me. I buried my head in his chest and cried.

Dr. Fisher explained, “This is just a theory and one I’d like us to explore.”

All I heard was the beat of my heart. I tried to calm my breathing.
Perfect! This is exactly why I’m blind, because I have issues that I can’t deal with.

“Baby, you’re going to be okay.” Alex wiped my tears and kissed my cheeks.

I nodded and took a deep breath and then another.

Alex said, “Okay. Please continue, Dr. Fisher.”

I sat back down. I wanted to crawl on Alex’s lap and into his arms.

“Like I was saying, initially your blindness was caused by the trauma to your brain. But now, I believe it could have more to do with your anxiety. Something deep and emotional can add to your condition. One of the fellows here at NYU did his Fellowship Thesis on how stress and emotional suffering can affect a person’s health. If it’s okay with you, Aubrey, I’d like for you to meet with him and a therapist, Dr. Russo. Then, if need be, we can determine how to proceed.”

I had no idea what to think.

My dad said, “Thank you, doctor. We’ll go home and discuss everything and get back to you.”

We left NYU and went back to my apartment. I didn’t say a word the entire ride home. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Brett called Alex while we were in the car and said that he was at my place with Julie and Mark. They wanted to hear what the doctor had said. I appreciated their concern, but I didn’t want to talk about the visit. I felt like such a loser.

We walked into my place. I was greeted by Julie’s hug and a kiss from Mark. Julie must have noticed my expression because she immediately wanted to know what was wrong. I couldn’t say anything. My eyes filled, and tears spilled down my cheeks.

“Oh my God, Aubrey, what did the doctor say? What’s wrong?” Julie sounded as though she was crying too.

I shook my head. “It’s my fault… that I… that I… can’t…that I can’t see.”

“What? What are you talking about? What happened?” Julie hugged me again. “Let’s go to your room and talk.”

I heard my mom say that she would start dinner. Brett was talking to Mark and my dad. I heard the TV click on. I was glad that everyone’s attention was off of me. Then I realized I hadn’t heard Alex

“Alex?” I stretched my arm out, hoping he’d take my hand. He didn’t. I lowered my arm. “Julie, is Alex here?”

“I don’t see him.”

“Brett, where’s Alex?”

“He stepped out.” Brett sounded as though it was no big deal; I had a feeling it was.

“Okay.” Before Julie and I went into my room, I asked Brett to call Alex and tell him I needed him.

I smelled Alex’s cologne when I walked into my room; it smelled like home. He was my home. I felt the carpet and the cool cotton of my comforter. I loved my room. Julie held my hand as we sat on my bed.

“Okay, spill. What the hell is going on?” she asked.

I made nervous eights on the comforter with my fingers. “Have you ever heard of Hysterical Blindness or Conversion Disorder?”

“Um… no. Why would blindness be funny?”

I couldn’t tell if Julie’s question was serious or if she was trying to make me laugh. I wiped my tears, but I knew there would be more. “Apparently, extreme anxiety and stress can cause blindness. The doctor said that initially my blindness was caused by the trauma to my head, but according to the scans he took, the amount of fluid and swelling shouldn’t affect my sight. He said that I don’t need surgery. He believes that my anxiety is causing it. It’s psychological.”

Silence.

“Jules?” I knew she was still there because she was holding my hand.

“I don’t understand. So the emotional, not the physical, trauma you sustained is the reason you can’t see?” Julie sounded angry.

I sighed. “Apparently, yes. This is all on me. Since my sight has returned on and off, that pretty much confirms it’s not physical. He wants me to talk to some medical fellow who did a study on it or something. I’m such a freak!” I dropped my head in my hands.

“Oh no, you’re not! This is not all on you! I get that you have issues with anxiety, but you don’t just dream up scenarios that cause you to panic. What you saw sent you into this nightmare. Fuck, Aubrey, it’s because of—”

I shook my head. “No! Don’t blame him.”

“Are you kidding me? The last thing you saw was him and that skank. You don’t think that maybe seeing what he did made your brain protect you by blocking your vision?”

I spun my engagement ring on my finger and was about to say no when I heard him.

“Julie’s right.”

“What?” My heart sank. God, how much had he heard?

“This has everything to do with me and my mistake,” Alex said. “That’s what you think, right, Julie? Do you think it’s better that I leave? Is that what she needs? Do you want me to leave her?” Alex sounded pissed, hurt, and ready to pack it in.

My head was reeling. He couldn’t leave me. The thought of it made me sick.

Julie’s voice was furious and loud. “It doesn’t matter what I think, does it? I knew something would happen. I knew that this would come back around. I didn’t want to be right, Aubrey, I really didn’t. I told you that first night… shit. God damn you, Alex! I swear, I don’t care if you’re her fiancé or not. If you hurt her, I swear I will—”

“Julie, why are you yelling at Alex?” Brett sounded mad at Julie.

I burst into tears… again. I was so tired of crying.

“Aubrey, why are you crying? What’d you do, Logan?” Mark sounded angry. When did he come in?

Did everyone forget that I was there? “Shut up! Just shut up! You guys are talking about me like I’m not even here,” I said. “Mark, stop yelling at Alex. He didn’t do anything. Julie, you need to apologize to Alex. I need you all to leave. I need to talk to Alex alone.”

They kept bickering, and then the door closed and it was very quiet. They must have left. I never heard Julie’s apology, but I really didn’t think I would.

I tried to catch my breath. My heart was breaking. I was so afraid to ask, “Are you here?”

“Yeah, I’m here. Listen, Aubrey, if I’m a constant reminder of what brought all of this on, then maybe I shouldn’t be here.”

I tried to gather myself by taking a long, deep breath. “I need you more now than I ever have. Please don’t leave me.”

I felt for him. My hands landed on his chest, slid around his back, and tightly held him. His arms wrapped around me, and he squeezed me as if he was afraid to let go.

“Alex, I need you to come to the doctor’s with me. I want you there when I talk to this guy and the psychologist.” I was scared too. If the therapist said that Alex was to blame, I didn’t know what he’d do.

“Okay, if you’re sure, then it’s me and you. I’ll help you get through this. God, I’m so sorry. Can we call the doctor now? I have her card. I’ll pay whatever it costs to get you an appointment for tomorrow so we can get this resolved. We’ll figure out what this is and how to fix it.”

All I could do was nod. Alex called and made the appointment for tomorrow afternoon at two o’clock.

I was nervous, which didn’t help. “Please don’t go. Please just hold me.”

His arms were around me. “I’m not leaving you ever. I’ll be here if you need me. But right now, I want you to rest.” He kissed the top of my head and got up. “I need to make sure that everyone out there is okay and Julie doesn’t have Brett’s head in the freezer or anything. I’ll tell them what’s going on.”

“Thank you.” I grinned, lay back on my bed, and closed my eyes. I was exhausted.

When I woke, my apartment was quiet. I felt around my bed; it was empty. I laid there thinking about when my anxiety started. I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself. I thought of the yoga class I took and how they talked about finding your “center.” I closed my eyes, relaxed, and took deep breaths.

I thought of Alex, his love for me, and our future. I pictured white orchids in a bouquet, shapes of clouds, waves on a beach, and a perfect full moon. I imagined pushing a little girl on a swing and Alex playing catch with a young boy, both of them wearing Yankee hats. Alex looked over and smiled at me. He loved me and our family.

I felt like I was beaming, and I opened my eyes. I squinted at the light in the room. I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I looked around my room. It was just as I had left it, my luggage on the floor next to the dresser.

I walked to the door. I prayed Alex was close; I needed to see his face. I opened the door. Everyone was still there and eating dinner. I walked toward the table. I willed myself not to think of anything that would make my vision go away. I was going to enjoy my sight for as long as I could. I kept breathing and pictured the little girl on the swing.

My mom had prepared a beef roast, potatoes, and a salad. It smelled so good, but it looked even better. I couldn’t believe how great lettuce looked.

“There she is! Did you sleep okay, babe?” Alex stood, probably to help me.

“Please don’t get up. Sit down and finish your dinner.” I looked at his gorgeous face.

Alex replied, “It’s okay, I can get up for a minute. Wait… how did you know I stood? Oh my God! Can you see me?”

I looked around, and everyone stood at once. I beamed. “Yes, I can see all of you. Mom, that color suits you. Dinner looks delicious. Daddy, you look great. Mark, you need a haircut.” I winked. “Brett, you and Julie look like twins. Do you shop together? And Val, you look beautiful, as always.” I turned toward Alex, put my hands on his face, and stared into his dark blue eyes. “And you, mister, are still the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.” I looked at my hand and saw my ring for the first time. “My ring! It’s… it’s perfect.”

He pulled me into him. “God, I love you, Aubrey.”

“I love you too. I’m hungry. I’d like to see what I’m eating for a change.”

Alex pulled out my chair for me. I sat and looked at all the food. No one said anything as I helped myself.

I cut a piece of beef and savored it. I may have moaned. I glanced up and saw everyone looking at me. “Eat, people. Your chewing won’t make me go blind.”

“That is not funny, Aubrey Ryan!”