Mr. Big (13 page)

Jennifer carried the bags upstairs, and Nelson was soon off in the car, leaving them on their own. Perhaps he was at the bar. Maybe he was somewhere else. Jennifer was too tired to care.

The only unpacking she had to do was the few necessities belonging to the girls. Thankfully, Nelson hadn't sold all the toys while they were in PEI, so there were a few things to keep them occupied in the bare apartment. There was no television, no dishes. Not even curtains for the windows. But there was no point in worrying about that now. Jennifer was thankful it was the peak season for yard sales. Over the next few weeks she would try and find a few deals on furniture and turn the empty apartment into a home.

She was also grateful that they had taken some blankets and pillows with them as well.

That night she used all the blankets she owned to make a bed for the girls on the floor.

She slept beside them on the carpet, with no blanket and a pillow made of a stack of her own clothes.

But despite the hardship, there was a bright spot in the situation. Someone at social services had taken the initiative to take the welfare cheque out of Nelson's name and put it in Jennifer's. That was perhaps the only reason she had cupboards that were full of food.

After a few days in the apartment, Jennifer had also managed to track down a couch that doubled as a sofa bed. Nelson agreed to stay with the girls while Jennifer and her neighbour drove down to pick up the couch. Jennifer and her neighbour moved the couch up the stairs and into the apartment. All the while, Nelson was in the bathroom.

The workers with child services began visiting as soon as she was in the apartment. For Jennifer, their visits brought comfort and security. The first worker Jennifer had gotten close to was Tammy.

“How are you feeling with all the moving around?” Tammy asked her as she looked around the empty apartment.

“Not bad, a little tired, but I'm okay.”

“What about the girls?” Tammy asked.

“They are okay, but it's busy managing everything,” Jennifer said.

“Well, we're looking into ways that we might be able to get you some extra help with the girls,” said Tammy. “But right now you have to concentrate on getting settled into this apartment and making sure the girls' needs are met.”

But the one thing Jennifer neglected to tell the social worker was exactly how tough it was living with Nelson. Though he was never home, there was always anxiety each morning she put her feet on the floor. She wondered what each day would bring.

There was the gambling and his absence from their lives. But worst of all were the mood swings. Jennifer had managed to bring a clock when she returned from PEI. It was one that she had taken a particular liking to and didn't want to leave behind. She hung it in the kitchen in a prominent space. It was elegant, unlike her current surroundings. One day, shortly after they'd moved in, came a rare afternoon when Nelson was at home. But, more like him, he was in the bedroom napping while Jennifer sat with the girls in the living room.

But from the living room she had a clear view of Nelson as he walked out of the bedroom, only half awake, and grabbed the clock from the wall. He raised it above his head, and in disbelief Jennifer watched as he smashed it onto the floor. He then turned around and went back to bed.

Jennifer screamed at him for answers, but like many other occasions, he ignored her tantrums and pretended like nothing had happened.

Then there were the times when he was the one who did the screaming. Those were harder.

“Why don't you have supper ready?” he would yell.

And while Jennifer would answer, it fell on deaf ears. He would follow her around the apartment, screaming. During those tirades, he would lose track of the reason he was mad and just keep going. In their few weeks at Edgewood, their landlord and neighbours got to know them well. In the middle of one of his moods, the landlord showed up at the door to tell them to keep the noise down.

40

July 2002.

Jennifer had kept herself busy over the past month. After finding the couch, she kept going to yard sales until she'd also managed to find a dining table and a box spring and mattress. When Nelson suggested a road trip out of town, she didn't hesitate. She was looking forward to getting away from the apartment. Everywhere she looked there were things she needed. There weren't even any curtains. So she had taken an old bedsheet, cut it in two, and hung the two halves in the living room window. In a sad sort of way, she was happy they had no friends. At least there was no one to see how bad things really were.

So they decided to go see Jennifer's mother on the south coast of the island. It was a couple of hours drive, but they were all excited to get going. The weather was perfect for a road trip.

“Teddy bear song, Mommy,” Krista called out from the back seat.

“Again?” Jennifer laughed. “You girls are going to wear out that tape.”

The song was one for which the girls had developed a fondness, perhaps just because it was about a teddy bear, but Jennifer loved watching their reactions when they heard it. She played it over and over for them. Each time, they enjoyed it as much as the last.

Jennifer rewound the tape to the right spot and, as predicted, the girls lit up when the song started. But their joy didn't last too long.

Nelson pressed the eject button. He took the tape and flung it out the window without a word or any sort of explanation.

“Oh no,” Jennifer cried. Then the cries began in the back seat when the music came to a halt.

“What did you have to go and do that for?” she snapped.

He continued to ignore her. Finally, she gave up, and they continued to drive in silence.

He was the first to speak, and Jennifer will never forget the words.

“I hates Krista,” he said. “I hates those youngsters.”

“What the frig did those kids ever do to you for you to say that?” Jennifer said.

There was no response, and Jennifer put it behind her for the rest of the trip.

41

“Get the girls ready, Jennifer,” announced Nelson.

“Where are we going?” she asked. “My son, there's too much work to be done here this evening for me to be going out for a drive.”

“Well, you don't have to go,” he said. “I want to take the girls to the playground.”

Jennifer wasn't quite sure how to react. There'd only been one other occasion where Nelson had taken the girls to the playground, and she wasn't sure she fully trusted him to take care of them. She wasn't even sure he could strap them into their seats properly. But she was happy that he was at least making an effort. These days she believed the only thing that mattered to him was being in front of the slot machines at the bar or causing arguments at home. She'd had very little peace since they had moved home from PEI.

But instead of arguing, she decided maybe a day with their dad would do the girls good. The weather was hot. There was laundry and dishes to be done.

“All right, but don't be gone long,” she said.

Jennifer got the girls dressed in their matching summer outfits, perfect for a July afternoon at the playground. She packed everything, from snacks to Band-Aids, and sent the three of them on their way.

As Jennifer cleaned the house, the girls were on her mind.

She was nervous. What if Nelson wasn't watching them? she worried. But she forced it to the back of her mind. On a positive note, if something did go wrong, at least Krista was now old enough to tell her what had happened.

Nearly two hours later, Nelson returned home with the girls.

“Ice cream!” Krista was bubbling with excitement.

“Ice cream?” questioned Jennifer as she looked at Nelson.

“We went to Lewisporte,” he said. “I bought them ice cream while we were out there.”

“Why would you drive half an hour away for ice cream?” asked Jennifer. “I thought you were going to the playground up the street.”

“I don't know,” he said. “It just seemed like a good idea for a drive.”

42

July 29, 2002.

“Good morning, Jennifer,” Tammy said as Jennifer opened the apartment door.

The girls were giggling and playing with their dolls in the living room while Nelson was making tea in the kitchen. It seemed like the workers from child welfare were visiting at least a couple of times a week, and Jennifer knew that it was making Nelson furious. He was beyond embarrassed.

“I know we've been here a lot,” she said. “But we have to make sure that you and the girls aren't doing without.

“I don't mind,” said Jennifer. “I'm just glad to know you guys are watching out for me.”

And these days Jennifer was in need of more support, as they suspected. Nelson had gone to social services with a request to have the cheques sent to him. So, for the past month, he was back in control of the money, and things were getting tough.

“Jennifer, you realize the girls will soon be starting school,” said Tammy. “We're suggesting it would be good for them to be in a social environment on a part-time basis. That would give you a break for three days a week, and we think it would be good for Krista and Karen to make some friends.”

From the sudden burst of dishes hitting the bottom of the sink, there was no mistaking how Nelson felt about the idea. For the next few minutes, Jennifer and Tammy could barely carry on their conversation over the sounds of smashing dishes and Nelson's mumbling.

Finally, Tammy gave up. “Jennifer, I want you to think about this. I will have a look at some possible arrangements and I'll let you know what we come up with. I'll be back in a couple of days.”

Once the door closed, and Tammy was out of the building, Nelson turned to Jennifer.

“They aren't going to no daycare,” said Nelson.

“But you heard what Tammy said. They need to get used to other kids, and I need a break every now and again,” she said.

“Well, you can put it out of your mind. I'm not having the youngsters going to no daycare.”

43

August 3, 2002.

It was a beautiful day, and Jennifer had spent the day in the apartment with the girls. The days were quiet, but busy. Jennifer was finally turning the apartment into a home, but it was taking some work with two active little girls scrambling around. She still felt tired from the moving around and the stress of the past spring. She just needed to get out.

“Nelson, let's take the girls out this evening,” she suggested. “I need to get out of this apartment or I'm going to go crazy. Why don't we take the girls to the playground after supper?”

When he started to walk away, Jennifer was worried he'd be leaving again before she could even get an answer. Finally, he agreed.

“Let's go out to Cobb's Pond,” she suggested.

The pond was only a couple of kilometres away from the apartment, and there was plenty to keep the girls busy. Not only was there a big area for them to run and burn off some energy, but there was also a set of swings and a see-saw. For Karen and Krista, it was the perfect place. They were bubbly little girls who loved to giggle, skip, and run. But their favourite activity was always using the swings, especially when they could convince Mommy to get on with them.

Tonight was no different. Jennifer struggled to keep up with them as they ran around the park, laughing and full of life.

Nelson stayed in the car and watched them for over an hour.

Finally, Jennifer and the girls headed back to the car. It felt so good to be outside, and the girls needed the freedom. Jennifer wasn't ready to go back to the apartment. Once the girls were strapped into their seats, Jennifer had an idea. “Why don't we take a ride out to Little Harbour? I heard they have new swings there now.”

It was about a ten-minute drive out the highway, and then down a small gravel road. The last stretch of road dropped off sharply down to Gander Lake, in an area known as Little Harbour.

From the top of the hill, Jennifer could see the wharf, where a few people were still swimming after the heat of the day. Others were still out on the lake or bringing their boats in for the night. The isolated area of Gander Lake looked beautiful this time of the evening. The dark water reflected the surrounding hills perfectly in the calm.

It didn't take long before the girls eyed what they were looking for: the swings. They started to shriek with excitement.

Nelson parked by the water, and the girls weren't long springing into action once Jennifer let them out of their car seats. The three of them went directly to the swings.

Jennifer jumped into the swing herself. Then Krista climbed up onto one leg while Karen jumped onto the other. They both hung onto their mom's neck, as Jennifer started to swing higher, and higher. The higher and faster she would go, the more the girls laughed.

“Higher, Mommy!”

Despite the enormous amount of fun they were having, Nelson stayed on the beach by the wharf. He didn't swim. In fact, he was afraid of the water more than anything. But he sat on the shore the whole time, completely unaware of his family. Instead, he watched the swimmers as, one by one, they continued jumping off the end of the wharf, until the sun nearly set.