More than Just Sex (12 page)

But you’ve got it all wrong. Why should she be on a pedestal? Who is she to judge you? Why should you be out to impress her at any cost? Why should you have so little faith and respect for yourself that you would willingly give her all that power over you?

I love it when a guy is confident and comfortable in his own skin but there really is nothing sexier than a good sense of humour. I know it sounds clichéd but if someone can make me laugh, or enjoy some random banter, that really gets my attention. It also really helps puts a girl at ease, as half the time we are as nervous as you guys are about making a good impression.

Ali Bastian, actress

Logically, it just doesn’t make any sense. And the worst bit is that it’s really not attractive to her, either. So, if that’s the trap, which most of us find ourselves in, what do the successful guys do?

ENTER THE MENTOR…

Coincidence is a funny thing, and without getting into the whole ‘laws of attraction’ thing here (although I do think there is something in it, and something that you will likely notice for yourself very soon), I was wondering where I
could find someone to model for you. I’d spoken to so many women, as part of my research, but where could I find a genuine pulling machine, a man so slick with women that he could have anyone?

Little did I know that my answer was about to walk right up to me and offer me a drink. There I was in Ibiza, sitting by the pool in the sunshine writing this chapter, when a voice not unlike Mick Jagger’s broke my almost trance-like state. ‘All right, Ali, how’s tricks, sport?’ I looked up to see the wiry frame of Tony Pike silhouetted in the evening sun. Every weathered sinew of this man is testament to his legendary years of chemical excess, girl-pulling and partying with the rock ’n’ roll elite. Tony almost singlehandedly created the scene in Ibiza, or the celebrity scene anyway, and could teach even the best PUA guy a thing or two! He’s 77 now and still going strong… very strong!

‘Hey Tony,’ I said, laughing to myself at the synchronicity of the interruption from a man who has had more hot women since he turned 70 than most of us will have in our lifetimes. Tony is a proper party legend, and Pikes Hotel just outside San Antonio, where I stayed last summer, has played host to some of the best and most debauched parties ever seen on the white isle. Freddie Mercury had his birthday bash there in the ’80s and the pool was used by Wham for the ‘Club Tropicana’ video. Much more recently, Biffy Clyro, Bon Jovi, The Vaccines, Faithless and Mark Ronson have all partied through the night at the ancient farmhouse-turned-hotel-of-excess by Tony’s own hand. In fact, the party last night didn’t end until lunchtime.

Seizing my chance, I said, ‘Hey Tony, you know I’m writing a book on relationships, right?’

‘Not qualified to comment,’ he replied.

Divorced five times, this is a man who admits that he has only ever been faithful to his rock ’n’ roll hotel and probably isn’t the best source of research for a book about ‘meaningful’ relationships! But here’s my take on it. In order to have been divorced five times, bearing in mind that his last wife was 50 years his junior, it follows that he must be pretty good at picking up women. So, for this chapter at least I don’t think you could have a better mentor than the godfather of the PUAs Tony Pike:

‘Don’t be shy, mate. Don’t sound like every other guy who has hit on them. Hot women get hit on all the time. Be yourself and you have nothing to fear. Being different, interesting and confident are such attractive qualities. Look at me, I’m an ugly f*cker but I do all right.’

And he’s right, and he does.

Think about it. If a girl walked up to you, and was interesting, different, perhaps a little challenging and confident, do you think you’d be curious to know her better? Of course you would… it’s the same in reverse, and, as Tony says, hot women do get hit on ALL the time, so you’re hardly likely to be the first or the worst for that matter. It is no big deal to her because it happens every day. It’s only a big deal to you if you allow it to be, so relax.

As the sun set on a few hours of listening to Tony’s own S.A.S. (Stock Authentic Stories), from being shipwrecked (with
a model, of course) to pulling for a bet when he only had two hours and the girl in question was due to fly back to Australia, and a whole host of conquests spanning five decades including interruptions for texts from a model he’d pulled only the night before. She’d been at the hotel to do a shoot and left satisfied with more than just the pictures. Remember this guy is 77! And here’s what I learned for you.

THE ONLY LESSON YOU NEED TO LEARN

Don’t ever make approaching a hot woman outcome-dependent. Most of us pile so much pressure of expectation and hope on the situation that it becomes more like passing an exam – where your very soul and self-worth are being judged, rather than a casual social conversation in which YOU are getting to know someone and, if it goes well, perhaps taking it a bit further; but for your sanity it simply cannot be outcome-dependent for you.

Think about it logically for a second. You are talking to a complete stranger. You don’t know the first thing about them, other than that you think they are hot. Why on earth would you attach your self-worth to what they say or do? Of course, logically, you just wouldn’t, but as soon as you emotionally invest in the situation, you put pressure and value on the outcome, which ALWAYS inhibits your performance in anything.

How many times have you seen a brilliant sportsman bottle it in the final? Guys who could sink that putt or score that goal blindfolded can play worse than an average club amateur when put under enough pressure.

The greats are the ones who, regardless of circumstance, still treat it like it doesn’t matter and it’s just another stroke or kick of a ball.

It’s the same with Tony and any other guy who has mastered the art of communicating with the opposite sex. It just doesn’t matter that much to him. When the PUA guys talk about an ‘approach’ and about going ‘gaming’ they’ve got it right, at least in this respect. There is absolutely no outcome-dependency when they approach a hot-looking woman. So what if they get a knockback, it is onto the next approach and the next ‘set’, so to speak.

OK, this approach of opening conversations for the hell of it and keeping score, as if you’re playing golf, isn’t right for you but the basic principle is sound. Unlike the players, you will be externalizing the real ‘you’ and looking for a ‘meaningful’ relationship so you’ll obviously be making fewer approaches but with a far greater success rate, a far greater chance of finding the right girl AND all with a much greater sense of ease.

Unlike you, the PUAs are totally involved in the process, but not that emotionally invested in the outcome, at least not at the outset, anyway. Over a beer Tony went on to tell me a great story about a girl he met just an hour after arriving in Ibiza 30 years ago.

‘I’d been partying in Barcelona,’ he said, ‘then drove for a day to get to the ferry, waited another day for the boat and had just arrived in Ibiza, so basically I hadn’t slept for three days and was really rough. But as I drove along I saw a really hot girl going the other way, so I spun the car round and went after her. Now I was driving an old clapped-out Citroën, so catching her wasn’t easy, but I did eventually get close enough to catch her eye by flashing my lights and honking the horn. I think she was initially a little scared by this odd-looking guy in an old wreck of a car trying to get her attention, but she eventually pulled in. I jumped out and walked up to the driver’s side; she was even more beautiful than I’d thought.

“What’s wrong?” she said. “What’s the matter?”

I just looked her in the eye and said, “nothing’s the matter. I was wondering what you were doing for dinner.”

“Is that all?” she said.

“Is that all? That’s a big deal! It’s not every day I ask a beautiful girl out for dinner.” (That was a lie, but hey…)

She laughed and said, “I’m really sorry, I’m busy… but you’re different, I like your approach, perhaps tomorrow night?”

“Yeah, that might work. I’ll need to check, but give me your number and I’ll get back to you,” I said cheekily, and so we had a date. I had only been on the island for an hour and I had a dinner date the following night with an absolute stunner. She turned up and we were together for over a year until I bought myself a round-the-world ticket for my birthday, left her on the island and jetted off, only to return 12 months later with an Australian girl I’d met on the trip. That didn’t work out so well…’

Now, I am not suggesting for a second that you should go out harassing women on the roads or that you should be as reckless in your relationships but I hope you see my point.

Do you think Tony was full of self-doubt and self-imposed pressure? Do you think he even gave self-doubt a
moment’s thought? I doubt it. Do you think that even now, at the age of 77, he could still run rings round most guys? Too right he could, and I know for a fact that he still does…

So next time you hear a new PUA technique just think of Tony – the guy with the cocktail shaker and 60 years’ experience on the pull – and heed his words:

‘Don’t be shy, don’t sound like every other guy who has hit on them. Hot women get hit on all the time. Be yourself and you have nothing to fear.’

Stay out of your own way long enough to be as successful as you deserve to be. It’s really not rocket science, guys. Women like confidence, and the only one who can give that confidence and take it away is you. But remember:

Real confidence comes from taking direct action. You cannot create a great life by just sitting around thinking about it.

I’m going to give you a few tips on how to be robustly (but not arrogantly) confident in any situation. You see, in some situations you are already exactly as you’d like to be. Remember there are only two types of girls, as far as we are concerned – those you are ‘attracted’ to and those you are ‘not attracted’ to. It’s not women you are lacking confidence around, it’s ‘attractive’ women, so you are already halfway there; the difference is all in your thinking.

Headwork

From the first thought of ‘Wow, she’s hot!’ you have 30 seconds to do something about it. If you don’t, you will have
built up too much pressure with your thoughts – 30 seconds: that’s it… pick out something to make conversation about, and off you go. It is that simple.

You can open a conversation with anything. It can be about the situation you are in, asking for directions, or an opinion, or making an observation about something or just coming straight out and saying ‘Hi, I think you’re really attractive, I just had to tell you’, or words to that effect. You can start a conversation with anything but you have to start it if you want to find out where it goes.

If you are going to wait any longer than 30 seconds though (and I seriously suggest you don’t), then the first thing you need to do is recognize that the thoughts you have in your head are not real. Let me say that again:

Our thoughts are not real. They are just thoughts, but they will and do really affect you if you let them.

Just as a movie can have you laughing at the funny parts, crying at the sad bits and gripping your popcorn when the tension peaks, none of the action, which is getting a very real reaction from you, is in any way real in itself.

The plot (even if it is based on actual events) is not real. It’s at very best a representation of events, as portrayed from one point of view. Most likely, it’s one person’s fictional depiction of another person’s fictional story. It’s simply the product of many creative minds, but not one part of it is ‘real’. The characters are just actors, the props are all fake, the set is digitally created, and the music is artificial. (I’ve
never yet heard a news report saying that the police caught the killer by following the sound of the string section and caught him just in time, before the final movement.)

Movies are a collection of emotive images and sounds, which are designed very carefully to create strong, specific feelings in our bodies, feelings that are powerful enough to have us cry and jump in the moment and then be remembered for a long time to come.

YOU’RE THE DIRECTOR AND IT’S TIME TO SHOUT ‘CUT!’

You, and in particular your unconscious mind, is just as creative as any Hollywood studio, and the movies and emotional states it creates are more evocative and painfully powerful than anything that can be mustered on the silver screen. The only downside of this for most of us is that we tend to have a little nagging doubt narrator of limiting beliefs and social conditioning.

Imagine for a moment that you are actually sitting in a cinema, fully engaged in a horror movie. You’d get scared, right? Or, at very least, you’d feel some nervous tension as the aforementioned cello player starts doing their stuff.

Now, what’s the quickest way to make that feeling go away? You could do some positive thinking, or you could close your eyes and block out the images, but of course then you’d still have the evocative soundtrack. So you could try plugging in your iPod and turning on some of your favourite music all the way up to drown it out… but what if
you don’t have an iPod, and what if the thoughts, images and sounds are on the inside not the outside?