Authors: Heidi Marshall
I also wanted to thank you for being so welcoming to Ian. I was just as shocked as you to see him show up at the house on Christmas Eve, but you made him feel at home right away and he keeps talking about what a wonderful time he had. I was sad that he had to leave the day after Christmas, but he had to get back to work. Maybe I’ll get him to stop being such a workaholic. Maybe.
I know you’re wondering what is happening between us, and thank you so much for not pressing me for too much information. I so wish that I could answer that question. He’s such a good man, Mom. He’s kind to me and he treats me so well. The other night he even said “I love you” when he hung up the phone. Well, technically he said “love ya,” but for Ian that’s getting somewhere. I think. I hope that one of these days (soon!) he’ll finally be able to break free from whatever has been holding him back and admit that we should be together.
Darren always makes fun of Ian and me and calls us an old married couple. He’s right; we kind of do act like one. I love having someone who I can be so comfortable around. I really think he’s the one, Mom.
All my love, Kate
~~~~~
Kate looked over her glass of sweet tea and watched Ian in the kitchen doing the dishes after dinner. She had driven up to Raleigh on her day off to catch a movie with Ian. Afterwards they went back to his apartment where Kate cooked while Ian squeezed in a quick half hour of work.
The moment seemed so perfect, so natural. Here she was with a man who knew her deeply. He had seen her ups and her downs, and had been a consistent presence in her life through it all. He knew her insecurities, her faults, and her fears, and he loved her just the same. She was overwhelmed with a sense of comfort.
“Ian?” she whispered.
Ian turned around, his glasses slightly fogged from the steam of the hot water, and wiped his brow with the back of his hand. He stood there, barefoot, with pruny hands and a dish towel slung over his shoulder, and she couldn’t keep her feelings inside for another moment.
“What’s…what’s going on between us?” said Kate softly.
“Between us?” said Ian. She couldn’t read his expression, so she bravely continued on.
“Look, we’ve known each other a long time. We know everything about each other. But I’m a single woman. You’re a single man. If anyone was to look at our relationship from the outside in they would think that we’re dating. I mean – you spent Christmas with me and my mother. We cooked Thanksgiving dinner for your family. We’ve spent hours since you moved here shopping and laughing and having deep conversations, and yet…we’re not together.”
There was a long silence as Ian looked intently at Kate. He then put the dish towel on the counter and walked slowly into the living room where she sat. She was curled up in the very leather chair that she had sprawled out over the backseats and the trunk of Ian’s car to hold onto for dear life because he forgot to bring rope to the furniture store. He paused to squeeze Kate’s shoulder, then walked past her and sat on the couch.
“Kate…oh, Kate. You know I love you, right?” Ian said. He looked at her with such respect and warmth.
“Of course I do,” she replied.
“I am so thankful to have you in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever been as comfortable or as open to another person as I am with you. I know you care about me, and how I grow in my life and in my faith, and I can’t tell you how much that means to me. You’ve been such a support and encouragement to me. I love spending time with you more than anything in the world.”
He then opened his mouth to continue, and Kate sensed a moment of hesitation.
“But?” she asked.
“But…” Ian sighed deeply. “I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I just don’t think we were meant to be together.”
Kate stared down at the rug that she had worn like a toga in the store and tried to form a response. She felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Before she could find the words, Ian continued, his expression pained.
“I knew this conversation was coming. As our time together became more frequent, I started wondering if you would begin to question my intentions.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything to me?” asked Kate sharply.
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I love spending time with you and I didn’t want it to end. Maybe I thought it would all blow over. Maybe I was just trying to figure things out. Maybe…I don’t know…” Ian trailed off to a whisper.
She stood up from her perch on the chair and faced Ian square on. “Maybe it’s because you’re a coward. Yes, a coward,” she repeated upon seeing the shocked look on his face. “You knew how I felt. You knew that every time we cooked dinner together or spent an afternoon reading on the patio or spent an evening on
this very floor
surrounded by screws and pegs and impossible to understand instructions that I was getting closer to you. And then – you surprise me at Christmas with a visit to California so my mom and I wouldn’t have to be alone! And now you have the nerve to stand there and tell me that you don’t think we should be together?”
Kate took a step towards Ian, tears in her eyes.
“I don’t know how to be this close to someone and not want more. I’m just not built that way.”
She grabbed her purse and turned towards the door. She put her hand on the doorknob, took a deep breath, and turned back around to face Ian, who was now standing in the middle of the living room looking uncomfortable.
“I am going to make an amazing companion to some man out there. You’ll never know how much I could have loved you, Ian.”
She walked out the door and let it close behind her.
How symbolic
, she thought. She caught herself as she almost tripped over the stone frog. “Augh! Good
bye
, Bernard!”
Kate drove home with tears streaming down her face. She was burdened with loss and disappointment, and crawled into her bed without bothering to change into her pajamas. It wasn’t the first time that she cried herself to sleep. Nor would it be the last.
“Thanks so much for watching the kids,” said Amy as she headed out the door of Kate’s apartment. “I don’t think Rick and I have been out on a date in months.”
“I’m happy to do it,” replied Kate, helping Todd take off his jacket. “I’ve been looking forward to hanging out with these guys all day.”
“That includes me, right?” came a voice from the kitchen.
“Yes, Darren, it of course includes you,” said Kate as she rolled her eyes at Amy. Darren loved Parker and Todd just as much as Kate did, and he had volunteered to come over and help her baby-sit. The boys loved Darren, too. He would always tickle them until they couldn’t stand it anymore and spin them around by their ankles before launching them onto the couch. Kate left the roughhousing to Darren and focused her energies on setting up art supplies for the kids on the dining room table. She could hear Darren entertaining the kids with his legendary spontaneous poetry.
“Oh Todd, he’s a silly silly boy,
He has a fire truck as a toy,
He’s short like a midget,
Age four is his digit,
When I tickle him he squeals with joy!”
“Do one about me! Do one about me!” begged Parker.
“There once was a young boy named Parker,
His hair looks like Todd’s, only darker,
He’s a real fast runner,
He’s fun, but I’m funner-”
“Now draw me a picture with this marker!” said Kate, bursting into the room with a big green pen in her hand. “Come on kids, I’ve got paper and pens all set up for you.”
Parker and Todd scurried off to get started on creations that would no doubt soon be hanging on the refrigerator.
“I’m going to draw our family,” declared Todd.
“That’s a wonderful idea, sweetie,” said Kate. “I can’t wait to see it.”
Parker and Todd busied themselves with their artwork while she and Darren moved to the living room. “You’re so good with them,” said Darren.
“Thanks. I really do think they are the two sweetest little boys in the whole world,” said Kate, glancing over her shoulder at the brothers.
“So…have you heard from Ian at all?” he asked gingerly.
“Not a single word since that night,” she replied. “Not one word.”
“I can’t even believe that! That was months ago!” cried Darren. “I mean, after all you’ve been through together…”
“I know. Trust me, I know.” Kate sighed deeply and studied her cuticles. “I honestly think he just doesn’t know what to say. And I don’t really blame him – I mean, where is there to go from here? I’m sure if we started spending time with each other again we would fall back into all of our old patterns, and where would that leave me?”
“But – you and Ian just make sense together,” he said.
“That’s what I thought too. It was just so perfect! I don’t know…he was just so good to me. He knew me. He…he just…didn’t love me enough.”
Todd ran into the room with his drawing and plopped himself down on Kate’s lap. “Look, Kate, look at what I drew! This is me, and this is Parker, and this is mommy and daddy and Brooke and Darren and you and Ian. And we’re all playing Candy Land!”
“That’s… that’s beautiful, Todd,” she said with tears in her eyes.
Seeing that Kate was about to fall apart, Darren picked Todd up off her lap and set him on the floor. “Okay guys, go and get in your pajamas and I’ll come tuck you into bed in a few minutes,” he said. “If you get ready fast, I’ll put a movie on for you.”
“Do we get watch it in Kate’s bed? With all the pillows?” asked Parker excitedly.
“You sure do, kiddo. And you’ll fall asleep and wake up in your own bed. Like magic.” Darren didn’t think it was necessary to explain to the boys that “magic” meant their parents driving them home and putting them to bed without waking them up.
The boys scurried off and Darren sat down next to Kate on the couch. He put a comforting arm around her, and she immediately collapsed into him and began to cry.
“It’s okay, Kate Henry,” said Darren softly, holding her and stroking her hair. “You’re going to be okay.”
“No I won’t!” she cried in desperation. “I’ve invested so much time in this relationship with Ian, and it was all for nothing! Now I’m just old and single, and I’ll just keep getting older and singler!”
“You’re not old!” Poking at the skin around her eyes, he said, “And besides, there are plenty of products on the market to help get rid of these baby crow’s feet.”
She managed to laugh through her tears. “You’re awful,” she said. “Absolutely awful.”
“True. But I made you smile.”
“You definitely have a knack for that.”
Darren grinned and kissed Kate on the top of her head. Normally she would have thought nothing of it, but she sensed that his kiss lingered for maybe just a split second longer than it should have. She said nothing, but sat there in agony, wondering why she couldn’t have a normal relationship with anyone of the opposite sex.
~~~~~
“Jacob, I just made a big pot of coffee!” called Olivia Henry from the open kitchen window. “You look like you need a break. Come inside and keep me company for awhile.”