“Don’t worry about getting there. I’ll have Dana bring you some.”
“Sir, no, I just—”
“Dana will bring it,” he says over his shoulder throwing his hand up.
Shortly after I begin working, Dana enters wielding coffee and a worried look. I smile at her, ignoring her bilious look, and take a satisfying sip of coffee. I know I look like shit, but it won’t last for long. I glance up and catch her gawking. She drops her head and hurries away like she’s being chased by a monster. I would hate to see what everyone’s reaction would have been if I had come in just days after. My morning continues with several interruptions from other co-workers checking on me or trying to get a look at me like I was part of a freak show in the circus.
“Have you eaten anything?” Tanner asks standing above me with a supercilious stare.
I didn’t hear him or Adam come in. It’s frightening to know that I’ve been so busy that I’ve tuned everything out including my hunger.
“I haven’t had time,” I answer honestly.
“Didn’t think so.” He’s annoyed and reaches inside of his jacket pulling out a banana. “It’s not much, but you’re going to eat it. You need something on your stomach in order to take your medicine,” he reproaches me.
“I believe I’m going to have to call my boss and have my boyfriend escorted out of here,” I deadpan.
Adam nearly spits his water out and turns to hide his amusement. Tanner’s disappointment in his stare confirms I belittled him, but it doesn’t bother me any since he chastised me in front of the man I work under. He seriously could have done this more privately.
Finally, after some time, he sits and we begin the meeting. Adam does most of the talking while Tanner fumes behind his cool composure. Me on the other hand, well I’m just listening and writing, throwing thoughts in as if nothing were happening.
_________________________
Tanner’s in his home office working on the overseas project and I’m lying in bed catching up on some work Adam has left me. Poor guy tried to do some of it himself and it’s turned out to be a complete nightmare for me to clean up. Tanner’s actions today are unsettling. First the meeting and now he’s distant at home. He asked me earlier to work from home until I’m completely healed, but surely that’s not what’s bothering him. Whatever it is, it’s going to wait. I’m dog tired from all the physical movement, pushing my body hard today.
I wake to him sliding into the bed slowly, trying to be quiet. “Hey,” I whisper.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” He wraps his arms around me pulling me into his chest.
I don’t respond as we settle in the bed together, the silence dipping me in and out of consciousness.
“It frightened the life out of me,” he whispers, bringing me back from a plunge of sleep.
“What did?”
“When you texted me. It was six in the morning, I had just woken up and gotten my things packed to go to the airport,” he says low.
We haven’t spoken about that day. I’m surprised that he’s bringing it up. I debate telling him my thoughts, but it’s best to get it all out in the open, right?
“I figured if I was going to die, someone needed to know who was responsible,” I say. He tenses and squeezes me close. “What were you thinking when you read it?”
“I knew exactly what it was. I tried calling you, then Jess, with no luck. I called the police, gave them a very quick rundown of everything prior hoping they were taking me seriously. I’ve never felt so helpless, so terrified in my entire life. Before I boarded the plane, Jess called me. She was hysterical. All I understood was you were going to the hospital, you had been beaten. I knew the cops were there, I could hear someone trying to calm her down. Then she said the detective wanted to talk to her and she hung up.” He pauses taking in a long deep breath, “That was the longest three hour flight I have ever experienced.”
“Jess said you never left my side,” I whisper.
“I didn’t. No one could’ve pried me away from you. When I walked in that room and saw you lying there like that…” His voice becomes shaky and he inhales another deep breath steadying himself. “There are no words to describe the emptiness and hurt I felt.”
I roll over, grunting from the pain, and rub my hand softly on his face. His crystal blues carry the weight of his heart.
“What went through your mind when all of that was happening?” he asks. I knew one day that question would come. It’s been on the tip of his tongue. He’s wanted to ask it so many times, but always decided not to.
“I don’t remember a lot. The main thing I recall was thinking I had to get out the front door. I didn’t have a plan after that, but I just knew once I got out, I had a better chance of escaping him. Someone would have seen me.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” he closes his eyes. “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m always here for you.”
I soak into his arms and allow sleep to take me away, begging for the nightmares to remain at bay and let me sleep peacefully. They have been horrific, waking me in a pool of sweat, forcing me to relive my fight for my life. Unfortunately, every time Tanner has to see the panic on my face.
Chapter 40
Tanner was really excited about letting me decorate the house to “our” liking. He helped me move things around, and would always ask my opinion. Does this look good here? Do you want it here? How’s this look? It’s been a month since the incident, and I’m moving great. Occasionally my ribs give me a fuss, but all in all I can’t complain. With the excitement in his eyes, I couldn’t help but to be happy when we made the changes to the décor. Now it looks like a woman lives here. I finally live with the man I can’t keep my hands off, the man who melts my heart,
my
Mr. Eye Candy.
“Belle, you still awake?” he asks.
It’s become our nightly ritual now to talk before falling asleep. We’ve grown closer, learning new things about each other and confiding in each other.
“Yeah, my ribs are aching some.”
He rubs my ribs softly, circling, making sure not to put too much pressure on them. “I’m sorry. Do you need anything?”
I turn facing him. “You.”
“Me?” He jerks his head back surprised at my advances.
I scoot closer to him, rubbing my thumb across his bottom lip. His eyes are wild and panicky studying me. I place a delicate kiss to his lips and his breath catches.
“Samantha, I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”
“Tanner, kiss me,” I whine.
He leans to his elbow and devours my lips. I’ve missed the deep passionate kisses he gives me. Our tongues slow dance with each other, our touches are frantic but soft. He moans when he pulls me closer, running his hands down my body, squeezing, soaking in the touches we’ve missed.
His hand slides down and squeezes my hip. An unsettling feeling comes over me. I open my eyes. Fear flares through me from the sight of Logan’s malicious stare, smirking like the devil himself.
“No! No! No!” I push off him swinging and kicking my legs frantically, trying to get away.
“Samantha!” Tanner yells, his voice pulling me from the crazy vision.
Tears prick from my eyes as the fear drains from me. “I can’t. I’m sorry,” I sob, pulling into a ball. I feel like a failure not being able to make love to him.
He slides his arm underneath me and pulls me to his chest. “Don’t apologize. I knew it was too soon for this.”
“I just miss you. I don’t want you to leave me,” I snub.
“That’s nonsense, Belle. I’m not going anywhere. Never.”
All the pain, all the fright, and all the hurt I’ve ever held onto, pours out of me. I sob loudly into his chest, his grip never loosening. He holds me this way for a long while, so long, that I end up falling asleep against him still balled up.
“Good morning, Belle,” Tanner says in a peppy voice, waking me from a deep sleep.
I stretch out my tight limbs and unseal my eyes. Memories from last night come back to me and I instantly feel guilty for letting him down. “Morning.”
“I made you coffee,” he says still too freaking peppy for the morning.
“Uh, thanks.”
“Are you okay?” he asks without the peppiness, more serious.
“Think so. You?”
“I am.” A wide toothy mischievous grin dons on his face. Curiosity has never been a strong point, and it’s even weaker for me in the morning. I don’t have it in me to play this early.
“What the hell are you smiling at this early?”
“You were talking in your sleep last night. Were you aware that you had a pet elephant?” He manages to say that with a straight face, knocking me right out of my pissy morning.
I really tried to hold back my laugh, but it bursts out of my cheeks with explosive force, and I double over in laughter. “Oh wow. Apparently I shouldn’t weep before sleep.”
Finally, Tanner gives in and busts out laughing with me, tears building in his eyes, gasping for air. It feels good to have a gut busting laugh like this. Even my sore body isn’t protesting it.
As our day carries on, he continues his tease—in the barn tending to the horses…he teases me about my elephant. In the kitchen pouring coffee…he teases me about my elephant. In the bathroom taking a shower…he freaking teases me about my pet elephant. Isn’t this spiffy?
_________________________
It’s become routine that Jess and Marty come over at some point in the day every day. Today we’ve decided to have lunch. Tanner has been adamant that Jess spends time with me during what he says is my healing process. It’s been over a month now, and he still doesn’t believe me when I tell him I’m okay. I won’t complain since I get to see my girl more often. Since the incident, Jess moved to another apartment. She hasn’t allowed Marty to move in yet, complaining he’s got a long way of growing up before she does. She’s not ready to commit to someone who has trust issues and is insecure about things. I can’t say I blame her.
When the turkey subs finally hit the table, I’m not all that hungry. I excuse myself and head for the shower. The warm water cascading around my body feels rejuvenating. I admire how all my wounds have healed and all the bruises have disappeared. My poor body took one hell of a beating. I finish my shower and dress, heading back to the group. There’s something up when I return back to everyone. The room falls silent, all eyes dashing around the room avoiding me. I shrug it off knowing they probably spoke about the incident and don’t want to upset me. I can’t believe Tanner wants to talk about it. It does evil things to his mind. I know he’s trying his best to handle it, but for him, it’s a pill he doesn’t swallow easily.
Jess and Marty quickly decide they are ready to leave. Jess is different when she hugs me, almost apologetic. What the hell do they know that I don’t? Tanner shuts the door behind them quietly, then comes back to the living room.
“I want to talk to you,” he says, sliding a chair in front of me, clutching my hands in his. Okay now I know something is definitely wrong and it causes my nerves to stand on end. “Samantha, I’ve had some things on my mind lately and I pried Jess while you were in the shower for information.”
Where can this be going?
“Um…okay?”
“Besides the other night, you show no emotional turmoil from being raped by that son of a bitch.”
Oh shit.
“I’ve been worried, wondering if maybe I should talk to you about seeing someone about it. I know it’s a lot to handle. I can’t imagine what you must feel on the inside.”
“Well, I’m sure Jess told you I’m fine. I’ve talked to her about it.”
“She did say she believes you’re fine, but she also told me why she thinks you are,” he says carefully.
“Whhhyyy?” I draw it out, petrified that my best friend, the one who knows me better than anyone, may have spilled my deepest darkest secret.
“She told me about your childhood.”
Right there. His eyes. The sympathetic look. That right there is why I don’t talk about it. He won’t ever look at me the same. Never. Knowing the torture I went through.
“What do you mean she told you about my childhood?”
“Don’t get upset, Samantha. I’m worried about you and I didn’t know where to turn, so I went to the only person who knows you better than I do.”
“So you use my relationship with my best friend to pry into my life?” I say, jerking my hands out of his, “I’ve told you that I didn’t want to discuss the shit. You should’ve left it the fuck alone, Tanner.” I hiss through clenched teeth.
“Don’t be mad, please. I’m worried sick about you. I needed to know that you were really okay,” he pleads.
I stand up glowering at him, “When I tell you I’m fine, I mean I’m fine.”
He grabs my arm when I try to walk away, to get away from all this, before I shed tears. “I couldn’t fathom how you could be fine with another man violating you. You talk like it’s nothing. I have the right to worry about you.”
“Then since you’re so fucking worried, maybe it’s
you
who needs to talk to someone.” My stomach feels heavy, acid rising into my throat. I think I’m going to be sick. “Butt out of my past,” I say fleeing the room.