Miss Me When the Sun Goes Down (13 page)

In any case I didn’t like the idea of Jakob messing with my head so easily.  It left me feeling slightly violated, even if his intentions were good ones.  It occurred to me that it must be what Bishop felt like when he
found out I’d been compelling him all along.  No wonder he’d ditched me and never looked back.  No… not never looked back.  If Hanna’s intel was to be believed, Bishop was definitely still looking back, maybe as much as I was. 

Bishop. 

Would I ever stop sighing on the inside when I said his name?  Despite my best efforts to get over him, it was still a raw wound for me.  The key to his apartment still hung on my keyring, and I’d been putting off gathering the last of my things from his place.  It seemed too much like closing a door I didn’t want closed for good.  What would he have thought if he could see me singing tonight?  I remembered the look on his face the one time I’d sung in front of him; it was the same way I felt when I heard him play the piano.  That had to mean something. 

Jakob was still talking, and I realized I’d missed most of what he said until he asked, “Shall you sing another?”

What was I doing?  Sitting there thinking about another guy while on a date with a rich, good looking man who practically wanted to worship the ground I walked on.  I was lower than dirt, and he deserved better.  “No, I don’t think so,” I said softly.  “I think I’d like to go home now.”

“Already?”
His face crumpled in confusion.  “But it’s early yet.  Our drive…”

“I’m sorry
. I don’t think I’m very good company right now, that’s all.”

“Nonsense.  I see no reason for this sudden bout of melancholy,
and I won’t let you give in to it.  Come, we’ll leave this place,” he said, rising and throwing down a sheaf of bills on the table.  “Perhaps a change of venue will help.”

I let him guide me to the limo, surrounded by a mental fog until we sat in the darkened cocoon, sheltered from the noise and lights of the city and I snapped out of it.  “What are we doing?” 

“Anything you like,” he smiled.

“No, I mean, what are we doing, you and me?”  The smile started to slip, and I hated being the one to do that to him, but I couldn’t keep silent any longer either.  “I can’t help but feel like… I can’t give you what you need.” 

“All I need is you.”

“And I’m not ready to give myself to you
.  It’s too soon.” 

“I have not rushed our intimacies, I have respected you in that.”

“I don’t mean the physical stuff.  That part I don’t seem to have much of a problem with.  It’s the other parts, like my heart…”

“That will come in time
.” His smile returned, and I realized he’d fixated on the wrong thing when he continued.  “Perhaps for now we should focus on the physical?  Perhaps it will form a bridge to the emotion?”  He pressed a kiss to my shoulder, body shifting to allow easier access to his new plan of attack.

“I really don’t think
it works that way.”

“But you’re dying to find out if it does, admit it.”  His lips trailed higher, tongue laving over the place where my neck met the shoulder.   

“I wouldn’t say dying…” I murmured, even as my neck lolled to one side to give him better access. 

“Allow me to show you what it is to be my woman in
every
way.”  His voice slid over me like silk, and I felt the doubts start to melt away.  After all, what was I so uptight about?  I wasn’t cheating on anyone, and he’d made it perfectly clear he was willing to wait for me to love him as long as it took. 

I opened my mouth to
say
yes
, and he captured it with his own, taking possession of my very breath before I could give him the permission he no longer needed.  Jakob kissed me long and deep, as though he could get to my soul by forging a connection there.  Maybe he was right.  Somehow or other I ended up on his lap during the kiss, and I didn’t notice it until his hand grazed along the inside of my thigh.  Maybe I needed to trust in my body’s instincts, because the spell he wove over me with his mouth and hands left no doubts in my mind that I belonged there. 

He broke the kiss, and I chased after his mouth with mine, desperate to keep that contact.  Jakob gave a deep purr of male satisfaction at my participation, but kept his lips free to roam where they would, exploring the slope of my neck and the valley between my breasts, before he came up to deliver another scorching kiss. 

My body opened to him at every touch, and before I knew it, I was pressed back against the leather seats, feeling him hard and ready, pressed against my inner thigh.  There wasn’t time to think, and maybe that was for the best.  All I know is suddenly he was
there
, and I didn’t stop him when he hesitated ever so slightly before burying himself with a ragged moan. 

His hips tilted against mine, changing his angle just enough that I gasped with pleasure when he drove into me again.  There was something so sexy about the both of us writhing against each other, nearly fully clothed, the world visible just outside though tinted glass. 

And the heat… the heat between us threatened to burst into flames and burn us both, but I didn’t care.  I’d forgotten what it was like to feel someone alive and pulsing in my arms, and I wanted to become a part of it.  I wanted to draw him into me in all ways.  I wanted to breathe him in and taste his essence.  His blood called to me, driving my already sharpened need into a frenzy of lust. 

My fangs descended, piercing his chest as he surged closer, and the taste of him spread through me like a drug.  I couldn’t imagine wanting anyone else, I couldn’t imagine anything better
, until he bit me in kind and I felt the rush of pleasure as his mouth pulled at my flesh.   

I wanted only him, I needed only him. 

Bishop who?  The idea that I’d find happiness in anyone else’s arms seemed ludicrous. I gave myself over to the ecstasy, letting it drown out everything else as Jakob reduced me to a single, burning nerve ending, drawing pleasure from everything I touched.  I lost myself for… I don’t know how long, only gradually becoming aware that Jakob held me tight to his side, as if he was afraid I’d disappear. 

“It was as beautiful as I knew it would be,” he murmured, softly stroking my hair. 

I came down from the haze of pleasure, the doubts already crowding to be let back into my thoughts.  Sex in the back of a limo – not super romantic for our first time.  Sure, it’d been hot, but not really my style.  Then again, was any of what I’d just done my style? 

Once the tiny crack appeared in my mental ramblings, other doubts wormed their way in, forcing it wider.  Without Jakob’s drugging influence, my thoughts cleared enough to wonder
– was he compelling me to feel things I didn’t?  Did he even know he was doing it?  What if wanting me so badly forced him to compel me without realizing it, just like I worried I’d done with Bishop?  It wasn’t like me to sleep around, especially with someone I knew I didn’t love.  Was it more than a surge of hormones that had driven me into his arms? 

Would I ever know my true feelings as long as I was with Jakob?

It was time to find a bigger place to live.  At first I’d thought Jakob was being snarky when he questioned our living arrangements, but he was right.  It wasn’t working for us anymore, especially me.  All I wanted was a speck of privacy when I stumbled in from my date with Jakob, almost too tired to move, but the girls had other ideas. 

They wanted to hear all about the date, and when I was going to take them sightseeing.  Ellie’s bouncy questions continued until she quite literally fell asleep mid-sentence, passing out as the sun lightened the sky.  Maggie helped me get her into bed, and then shyly asked a few questions of her own.  I hated to shut her down when she
showed initiative for once, so I stayed up later than I’d have liked, when all I wanted to do was curl up with a blanket and a mug of cocoa and figure out how badly I’d complicated things by sleeping with Jakob. 

When I broached the subject of finding a new place to live, the girls were on board from the start.
That made sense, we were all crowded in the small apartment, even if they both had their own rooms.  We spent a couple of hours poring over the listings online, drawing up a wish list of wants and needs. 

Ellie was
disappointed we wouldn’t be buying a mansion, but with real estate prices being what they were in San Francisco, we were firmly in the rental territory.  Especially since I had no real income to report.  I couldn’t put Jarl of the Northwest as my occupation on any loan documents, could I? 

Even though Maggie expressed an interest in going, I decided to take just Ellie along with me.  I thought it was time we spent
some one on one time together, and I wanted to take her out hunting earlier in the night to avoid a frenzy like the last time.  Gunnar and Isak came along as usual, but showed no real interest in an apartment one way or another. 

“Don’t you two care where you end up hanging out all night?” Ellie asked from the back of the car. 

“Makes no difference to us,” Gunnar replied with a shrug of the shoulders. 

“Where do you guys live now?  Maybe we should get someplace close so you don’t have to commute very far?” I suggested. 

“You would not like our neighborhood,” he said with a quick shake of his head. “It’s very not good.”

That got me to thinking. 
“Maybe we should be looking for a place big enough for all of us?  Then you could feel perfectly at home instead of always standing by the door?”

“We should not feel at home while working,” Isak frowned.  “It is work.”

“True, but there’s no law that says you have to make it harder on yourself, is there?  Besides, what about when I’m out late?  That’s got to make it a sucky drive on the way home with the sun coming up, right?” 

They didn’t say anything, and I could tell they were thinking about it.  Not that I knew where to find a five bedroom apartment anywhere in the city, but maybe we could work something out – find adjoining apartments or maybe even rent a house a little farther out. 

Ellie hated the first three places we went to check out.  She said they were too small and cramped and the last one smelled of cabbage.  I didn’t think they were all that bad, especially after seeing the crappy place she’d been holed up in back in England, and I started to think she was feeling grumpycakes more from a need to eat than from any real fault in the apartments. 

Finally, I agreed to take a break and grab something to eat before we kept looking
, even though that meant we’d have to compel our way in to see the other apartments the later it got.  Before we set out to pick a likely victim, I talked to her again about the importance of learning control, of paying attention to how much she took and more importantly, to the rhythm of the heart before it was too late. 

Ellie listened to it all, nodding owlishly at every turn.  Convinced she was in the right frame of mind, I stood back to let her select her own target, not needing anything myself after sharing blood with Jakob. 

My mind wandered then, thinking back on the night before through hazy memories, blurred and indistinct.  How much of that had been real and how much a direct product of his influence? 

I forced those thoughts from my mind
and focused on supporting Ellie, should she need me, though I was convinced she was in a much stronger position to handle it on her own that night.

Boy
, was I wrong.

Counting along in my head as she fed
on her victim of choice, the first warning signs went by without any signs of her slowing. 

“Ellie?”  I laid a light touch to her shoulder, with no response. 
Not again…
  “Ellie, you have to stop.”  I shook her shoulder harder.  Should I carry a spray bottle to get her attention like a disobedient cat?  “Ellie, stop it now,” I ordered, pulling her off of him. 

To her credit, she didn’t lunge at him again
.  She took care of the compelling to forget and healing him without batting an eye, but I couldn’t help but feel like she was no closer to being able to stop herself from killing if left unsupervised. 

“Right then, shall we see the next flat?” she smiled brightly
, once we were out on the street again.

“How about we talk about what happened back there?”

“Why?  You were there to make sure I didn’t kill him, no harm done.”

“Yes, but that isn’t the point.  The point is, you’re supposed to be learning how to control those impulses and stop on your own.  That is what you still want, isn’t it?”

“Of course it is,” she insisted, losing some of the flippant quality.  “I know you’re right, everything you said before and now.  But when the blood starts flowing… I can’t help m’self.”

“Try the counting, I really think it might work for you if you give it a chance.  Maybe if you focus on the numbers, you won’t get so caught up in the blood?”

“Right,” she snorted at first, but then offered an earnest nod, squaring her shoulders.  “Alright, I’ll give it a bash.”

“That’s my girl,” I grinned, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.  “Now, let’s go find an amazing apartment.”

Only there were no amazing apartments to be had on the budget I’d set for myself.  True, I could probably afford more, especially if Maggie and the boys chipped in some, but I couldn’t get over the sticker shock of some of those rents.  We returned home with no clearer picture of where to go next, and I resolved to spend some more time looking into a higher price bracket to get us the space we needed. 

Jakob pulled the handle out of my hand the instant I opened the car door to step out.  “You weren’t here when I came to call.  I
’ve been waiting for hours.  Where were you?” he demanded.

I didn’t like the tone of voice right off the bat.  He acted like he owned me or something.  I deliberately held off on responding until we were inside the building, letting Ellie and the boys hustle up the stairs ahead of us so we could have some privacy.  “I was out apartment hunting.  You know you could have picked up a phone if you wanted to see me, then you wouldn’t have wasted a trip over.”

“You should have thought to tell me you would be out.”

“I didn’t know I had to report my every move to you,” I scowled, about to let him have it when his face crumpled from anger to defeat and he pressed my hand to his heart.

“You don’t… I was merely worried when I found you not at home and I had no message from your guard.”

“Message… you have my bodyguards reporting in to you?”

“Of course.”

“Well
, stop it, that’s creepy.”  I tugged my hand back, not quite sure how to take this possessive display.  “I don’t know what makes you think I need watching over 24/7 anyway.  There’s no one after me.”

“You underestimate the danger for one of your position.  I will not lose you now that I’ve had you.”

“I beg your pardon?”  My brows came up at that.

“I meant found,
älskling
,” he smiled, instantly contrite.

“What are you doing here, anyway?  We didn’t have a date scheduled.”

“I thought to take you out, perhaps to that bed and breakfast I spoke of.” 

“I can’t do that tonight,” I begged off, not wanting to get caught up in him to the exclusion of all else. 
That was part of my problem with Bishop.  I let myself get so caught up in being with him, it was devastating when I left.  “I’m taking your advice, looking for a bigger apartment.”

“I advised you of this?”

“You said I shouldn’t keep sleeping on the couch.”

“Ah, I see.”  Understanding dawned on his features.  “It’s true, you should have a place more befitting of your status.  But allow me to take care of this minor detail for you.  I could arrange for your things to be moved to my hotel suite very quickly.  You would want for nothing there.”

Except my own privacy, which was the entire point.  “I’m not moving in with you.”

“Why not?”  His brows drew together in puzzlement.  “You’re my woman
.  Why should we not rest in each other’s embrace?”

“Because as poetic as that sounds, it isn’t a good enough reason to move in with someone.  Being your woman, if that’s what I am, doesn’t define me.  I have my own life, my own job
, and I need my own space.”

“Then I
’ll get you an adjoining room.”

He wasn’t getting it and I tried to explain without stomping all over his feelings.  “I don’t want to live in a hotel, I want a home.  Nothing fancy, just room enough for all of us.  But more importantly, I could offer real sanctuary to whoever needed it instead of just a lot of talk.”  I couldn’t do that with him in a hotel, not and hope to keep any secrets at all.    

“Back to that again,” he scowled.  “When will you leave your petty causes by the wayside and take your rightful place beside me?”

I couldn’t believe he’d said that.  I suppose I’d always gotten the feeling that he was vaguely amused by my responsibilities, but this was a hairsbreadth away from open condescension.  “This isn’t petty to me.  If you want to be a part of my life so badly, then you have to make adjustments to your life too.” 

Jakob’s face twisted with something akin to pain, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I’d asked him to change or because he couldn’t.  “There are some things I can’t adjust, even if I wanted to.  I can’t put down roots here, petal, I can’t stay in one place for too long.”

I’d known he was keeping a low profile, but I hadn’t known there was a time limit to how long he’d be in town.  “When were you going to tell me that?  I thought you were staying here because you wanted to be near me.”

“I am, and when the time comes, you’ll come with me and we’ll be together always.”

“You sound like you have it all worked out.”

“I do,” he said with utter confidence.

“What if that’s not what I want?” 

“Of course it’s what you want.” He waved away the question dismissively, but I wouldn’t let him put me off.

“No, I never said I was going away with you.  In fact, I think I’ve been saying the opposite this whole time.”

He looked back at me, stunned by my declaration.  “I thought all had changed between us after last night.”   

Things had changed, just not in the way he thought.  “Last night was… last night.  It doesn’t mean you have instant dominion over me.”  All at once I had a moment of clarity.  “
This is what it boils down to.  You’ll never see me as more than a pet, will you?” 

“You
’re hardly a pet to me, I love you.”

“No, you love a person who doesn’t exist.  Some delicate flower to be protected and kept under glass.  Maybe I was that once, but you made me into
this
and now I can’t go back.” 

I didn’t think I wanted to either.  For all the angst over my lost humanity, there were parts of me I definitely liked be
tter as a vampire.  One of them was the ability to stand up to him now. 

“I love you as you are,” Jakob insisted.  “If you would only let me show you…”

“I have responsibilities.  I have my own dreams that have nothing to do with being a kept woman.”  That’s what I would be if I left with him, I knew it now.

“I could make you leave with me.”  His eyes blazed before me, and it took everything I had in me not to look away, knowing the power of that gaze. 

“Yes, you could.  But we’d both know it wasn’t real.” If that didn’t matter to him, I was sunk.  I’d do whatever he pleased with a merry song in my heart.  I waited for him to do his worst, but nothing happened. 

“It’s still him, isn’t it?” he asked, shoulders bowing with defeat. 

He meant Bishop.  In part it was, part of me knew I wasn’t ready to love him because my heart was still five thousand miles away.  But more than that, it was realizing that Jakob and I weren’t well suited for each other, at least not in this period of my life. 

“This isn’t about Bishop,” I said as gently as I could manage.  “This is about you and me.”

“Do you want me to get on my knees?”  Jakob immediately sank to the floor, catching hold of my hands and pressing them to his lips.  “You have bewitched me, made me your willing slave.  I’ll do anything you ask of me, only come away with me, and leave these distractions behind.  I’ll show you a life truly worth living.”