Miss Me When the Sun Goes Down (12 page)

I found myself tracing a familiar path to my favorite teashop, the Doormouse, thinking a cup of cocoa might help settle me down for the day.  It was nice to have a little Anja-time, away from the chatter of the girls or the looming presence of the guys.  Without a personal space to call my own, I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed my privacy.  Even in a public place, I felt more at peace than I had since coming home. 

I sat huddled away from the window, sipping my hot chocolate and watching the people go by, oblivious to my scrutiny.  It
’d been a long time since I’d gone out at that hour.  Without the jittery stims to keep me awake, fatigue pressed on me, making my limbs feel heavier, slower, but not unpleasantly so.  Slowly, my mind started to simmer down to a low roar, and my thoughts turned to my sister.  How was she coping with the sudden discovery of vampires in the world? 

More than anything, I wanted to make sure she was
alright and I decided to take advantage of my rare solitude and give her a call.  It was either that or give in to the temptation of dialing Bishop, even if only to hear him speak on the outgoing voicemail message.  Reasoning that Hanna would probably be awake by now, if not up and getting ready for work, I called her instead of Bishop.  Choosing the smarter obsession, I thought. 

“Hey, shouldn’t you be tucked away in your coffin by now?” she answered, her glib tone letting me know I’d caught her already up and around. 

“Coffins are so passé these days.  It’s all about tricked out storage lockers now, but mine gets terrible cell reception,” I quipped.  “How are you, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m dealing.”

“Did you talk to Mason?”

She made a huffing sound, and I wondered if she was working out or something.  “Not really.  We’ve traded a few texts, sort of an – I’m still alive, and I’m not ready to deal with you yet – kind of thing.  We made arrangements to meet for drinks later tonight to talk things out in a public place.
”

“That doesn’t sound good.”  Meeti
ng a guy in a public place for ‘the talk’ almost always ended in a break up in my experience.

“I need to take a step back right now, but I’m not pulling a complete retreat.”

Hopefully that would be enough for Mason for the moment, I was just grateful she still talked to me like I was her sister.  “He does love you, you know.  Try to keep that in mind.”

“Like Bishop still loves you?”

“I don’t want to talk about Bishop,” I shut her down, caught off guard by the change in subject from her love life to mine.  “What makes you think he still loves me?”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about him.” 

She had me there.

“I don’t.  We’re over and done with, and there’s nothing I can do about it.  I just wondered what made you say that is all.”

“I heard Mason talking the other day.  I don’t think he knew I was up, and he was talking to Bishop on Skype.  He asked a lot of questions about you.”

“What kind of questions?”  My suspicions kicked into overdrive.

“Questions like, had Mason seen you, are you okay, how did you seem to him.  Stuff like that.”

So he had been thinking of me after all.  I didn’t know whether to feel happy or sad about it.  Though I’d told her al
l about the way I’d been turned and my secret identity as Anja Gudrun, I hadn’t gone into the whole can of worms with regards to my being able to compel other vampires.  Not because I’d wanted to keep it a secret from her, but because I didn’t think she needed to deal with my mess on top of her own.  “I think maybe it’s better if we don’t talk about Bishop for now.”

“Hey, it’s none of my business, I
only thought you’d like to know the guy’s still thinking about you.  Just a little food for thought. He seemed miserable as hell from the sound of his voice.”

I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.  On the one hand, it felt good to know he hadn’t stopped thinking about me altogether, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to suffer over something that wasn’t really his fault.  But I’d left the ball in his court
– it was up to him if he wanted to reach out and ask me anything himself. 

“So, are you dating Jakob now
?  Is that the thing?”

“I guess so.”  My voice must have sounded glum, because she gave a short bark of laughter.

“Jesus, Dad sounds more thrilled about the idea than you do.”

“What was that about Dad and Jakob?” I asked, that mental image shaking me somewhat out of my funk. 

“Mom said they went fishing or something the day after Thanksgiving, and when they were done, Jakob gave Dad the boat.”

Oh God…
  “He didn’t… Please tell me you’re messing with me right now.”

“I kid you not.”

See what I meant about waiting for the other shoe to drop?  “He doesn’t know when to quit,” I muttered, resolving to have a word or two with him after dusk so I didn’t devolve into slurred accusations like the last time I’d called him drunk on sleep deprivation.

“Hey, if you’re going to break up with him, do you think you could wait until after he pays off my student loan?”

“He’s paying off your debt?”  My voice reached an octave only pets could hear, only to be drowned out by Hanna’s giggling laughter.

“Gotcha.” 

“Not funny,” I growled, but she didn’t stop laughing.

“See that’s where you’re wrong, I’m pretty sure that was hilarious.  You sh
ould try to lighten up, Anja.  You’ve become a real downer since you died.” 

“Thanks, Hanna, glad to know you still care.”  Despite the teasing words, I really did feel better, even if most of that was at my expense.  It meant the world to me that she could treat me the same as always.  Overall I felt lighter, less twisted up in knots over all the loose ends in my life.  Maybe now I could finally sleep.  “Hey listen, I should probably go, but give me a call if you need to talk after you meet with Mason
. I don’t care what time it is.”

“Alright, maybe I’ll stop by there afterwards and we can grab a cup of coffee and a pint of B negative or something.”

Ooh, that could lead to trouble.
  “You can’t come to my place, there are too many people there who don’t know I have a sister.”

“Can’t you tell them I’m your friend?”

Why hadn’t I thought of that?  Still, it didn’t sit well with me.  I instinctively wanted to keep those two parts of my life as separated as possible.  “Maybe, but it might be weird.”  Did many vamps have human friends?  I didn’t think so, not without a feeding understanding between them.  “Besides, Ellie’s been really unpredictable lately.”

“Which one is she again?”

“She’s the baby vamp whose fangs are too big for her britches right now.”

“Ye
p… maybe I’ll just call,” she immediately agreed.  “Besides, I might not be in the mood for company after we fight.”

“Yes, I think that would probably be for the best.  But I’ll come to you, wherever you are.  And who knows, maybe things will all work out great, and you won’t end up fighting with Mason at all.”

“Oh no, there is
definitely
going to be a fight.”

Uh oh
, that didn’t sound so good. 

“Without a fight, we can’t get to the make up sex, and I definitely don’t want to miss out on that.”

“Whoa…” I stopped her before she got into more details than I wanted to hear.  “Okay, first off, TMI, but secondly, it sounds like maybe you’ve forgiven him after all.”

A long sigh was given.  “Yeah, what can I say?  I’m screwed, I love the big jerk.”

“We are all fools in love,” I quoted Jane Austen.  “And on that note, I should really go now.  I think I’ve gotten about all the sunshine I can handle.”  The fog had started to burn off outside, it was going to be a fun walk home.

“
Alright, thanks for calling.  Wish me luck tonight.”

“You won’t need it,” I replied, hanging up.  At least I hoped not
.

“Why do you sleep in the common room?”

“What?” I blinked up at the sight of Jakob l
ooming over me, his blue eyes especially vivid as they peered at me closely. 

“It was
usual where I grew up, but I understand most modern folk have an aversion to sleeping in a single hall together.”

“What are you talking about?”  I wasn’t firing on all cylinders yet.  Did we have a date and I’d forgotten completely?  I didn’t see a sign of either Ellie or Maggie
– who’d let him in?   

“I’m simply wondering why you choose to sleep on the couch instead of the bedroom, as is your due.”

“Oh that.” I ran a surreptitious hand through my hair, wondering how ridiculous I looked in that moment.  “There’s a premium on space at the moment, so it’s sofa-city for me.”

“Why don’t you make the human sleep on the floor in the bedchamber?”

“Because she’s a much lighter sleeper than I am, she’d be uncomfortable,” I scowled, more than a little annoyed by the way he kept second guessing all of my choices.  “Is there something you wanted?”

“You, of course,” he grinned wolfishly and I waited until he gave me the answer I was after.  “I though to take you out again.  Just the two of us.”

“And you couldn’t call first?”

Jakob shifted uncomfortably on the couch next to me.  “I admit, I thought you might not agree to see me again so easily after I disturbed your holiday.”

He looked so contrite, like a puppy who knows he’s about to get swatted, but holds still for it anyway.  “Alright fine, we can go out tonight, but go away so I can get up and get dressed first.”  The way his face lit up was almost enough to make me forget why I was so ticked off at him.  Almost.  But it would be a good opportunity to get him alone so I could give him an earful.

I wasn’t sure what he had in mind, so I went with a safe little black dress with a square neckline and a slim fitting skirt.  I realized I still had the diamond choker on from the night before, and left it on, enjoying its sparkle under the lights.  Jakob’s eyes sparkled even brighter at catching sight of it around my throat.  As he squired me into the car (a black limo this time, no sign of the red sporty car), I started to wonder if I’d made a
tactical error.  Did openly wearing his gifts mark me as his property? 

I turned to face him as soon as we were in the car, my hands going up to provide some much needed space.  “Before you take me away and dazzle me with your wealth and charm, I want to get a few things straight between us.”

“You think me charming?” he grinned, completely missing the tone I’d tried to set.  I upped the stern quality to my voice accordingly. 

“No more bribes to my father.  I thought I was perfectly clear about that.”

“It was nothing,” he shrugged.

“A boat is not nothing.  At least not to me, it
isn’t.  It makes me feel like you’re trying to buy me.”

“That wasn
’t my intent.  It was a show of respect, an apology of sorts, for his distress over the holiday.”

“Well, so we’re clear, no more grand gestures like that or anything else.  If you want to be nice to my folks, then go fishing, sure
.  But no more shows of respect that have anything to do with property, okay?”

“I understand,” he replied, suitably chastened.

“I didn’t think you’d be into a sport like fishing. I thought you’d be into something more like… racecar driving, or skydiving or something.”

“
Viking and fishing go hand in hand,” he pointed out, a lazy smile tilting his lips as he stretched out beside me, more gorgeous than he had a right to be in his crisp black suit.  “I have enjoyed the tang of the sea and the wind at my back for ages.” 

“Oh
sure, I guess I didn’t think of that,” I allowed, feeling stupid for not making the connection.  “Why give him the boat then?”

“All day long he exclaimed over its sleek lines and the simple joy it gave him to leave the world behind.  It seemed a small thing to make him happy,” he shrugged.

“Then it wasn’t a calculated step on your part to win him over?”

“Hardly,” he snorted.  “I have no need of gifts to win friends.  You yourself declared me charming, remember?”

“And modest to boot,” I couldn’t help but laugh.  It made me feel better to know it was more of a spur of the moment gift, and designed to make my dad happy instead of a stupid scheme to buy my love.  “I guess that lets you off the hook for now.  Where are we going tonight?”

“I thought we might start at the Café Du Nord, and then take in a show or perhaps drive down the coast to an intimate bed and breakfast I found.”   

“How about we play it by ear, see where the evening takes us?” I countered, not ready to commit to anything yet.  If I had it fixed in my head that we’d end up in bed together, I’d be a jangle of nerves by the time we got there. 

“Very well,” he agreed equably, signaling the driver to go.  We rode in companionable silence for a while, until I felt his light touch on the back of my neck, fingers brushing against my skin as he stroked the chain of diamonds.  “They suit you,” he said simply.

My hand flew to my neck, feeling the hard stones there.  “I wore them last night to the club opening.  I still wish you could’ve been there with me.”

“Craving my company, already I like the sound of this
.” His smile widened and he scooted a few inches closer.

“Well, no, not just for the company,” I hedged.  “But because the magistrate really worked on my last nerve.  If you’d been there, you could
’ve shut him up with a single glance.”

“So too could you, should you choose to use your gifts.”

He had a point there, but I already felt out of my element throwing my words around, imagine how uncomfortable I’d be throwing my will around too?  “I told you, I don’t like to mess around with people’s heads.  It feels wrong.”  I knew he didn’t share that view, but Jakob didn’t press me to change my opinions. 

“Do you need me to hunt down this man
and teach him to show you the respect you deserve?”

“No, I think I did a good enough
job teaching him that on my own.” The barest smile curved my lips and his eyes fairly glowed in anticipation to hear more. 

“Tell me what was said.” 

I launched into a fairly detailed rendition of the volleys back and forth once the magistrate took to the stage at the club opening, feeling myself get hot under the collar all over again just remembering it.  I’m not sure what I expected to get back from him, but the pucker of worry on his brow wasn’t it. 

“That was perhaps a trifle foolhardy, petal,” Jakob clucked, when I was through.   

“Why?  I believe what I had to say.  What is the Order going to do, kill me for speaking out against them?”

Jakob’s frown deepened, but he didn’t reply.

“Don’t you see, that’s why I had to do it.  That’s wrong.  That sort of thing went out with the Gestapo.  I should be allowed to voice a dissenting opinion.  I should be allowed to lobby for change.”

“This isn’t a civil government body, petal.  In vampire society, those with the most power dictate law and enforce it.”

“
You
have the power to change this,” I insisted.  “You know what they’re doing is wrong, it’s become corrupted.”

“I can’t,” he balked, clearly disturbed by the very idea.  “You know I can’t get involved.  Not now, perhaps not ever.”

“Then maybe I should take more power.  They think I have all this authority, maybe I should start to believe my own press.”  Maybe it was time to explore what Jarl of the Northwest could really become? 

“Perhaps you should channel your talents into a much less frustrating arena,” he muttered, dropping the conversation as we arrived outside the club.  We were whisked inside and given the royal treatment again, and this time I even started to enjoy the taste of the aquavit as he devoured plate after tasty plate of hor
s d'oeuvres by my side.  After talking myself out in the car, it was nice to enjoy the jazz combo on stage and watch the staff fall all over themselves to make Jakob happy.

“What is it,
älskling
?” he asked at length, covering my cool hand with the heat of his.  “You seem so subdued tonight.”

“Oh nothing, just worrying about that stuff I mentioned before I guess.”

“Perhaps you should focus on something that gives you joy instead.  Have you not thought of following your dream to perform on stage?”

“Oh… no, that wouldn’t give me joy at all,” I replied quickly.

“Why not?  Yours is a truly singular talent.”

“That’s sweet, but I don’t think focusing on performing would make me very happy.  It’s been that way ever since I was a little girl.  On the one hand I want to perform in the worst way and there’s nothing like becoming a part of the music.  Singing makes me feel… alive and free and powerful.”  I didn’t know how else to describe it.

“That’s as it should be.”

“Yes, but on the other hand, I get so worked up every time I have to sing alone.  My hands sweat, my eyes water and my stomach ties all in knots until I’m barely able to function.  Maybe that’s why I like you so much, because I’m used to joy and misery traveling hand in hand,” I mused aloud.    

Something passed over his face at my last, but I couldn’t tell what it could be before it was gone.  “What do you fear?” 

“I… couldn’t even say.  It’s an anxiety that
catches hold of me and sometimes it gets so bad my lips begin to twitch and it affects how I sound. Then it’s all a shame spiral from there.”   

“But I
’ve heard you any number of times, you are magnificent.  There is nothing to fear,” he assured me fervently. 

“That’s just the way it is,” I shrugged.  “
Too bad I can’t compel myself into getting over it, right?”  It was a joke, but you know what people say about jokes, on some level you’re a little bit serious about them.  I don’t know what he saw in my face, but Jakob leaned closer, his blue eyes looming large as he pulled my hands into his. 

“You will no longer fear singing in public,” he said gravely.  I caught onto what he was doing instantly, but I couldn’t look away, his gaze held me prisoner by stronger shackles than of iron.  “You have a beautiful instrument in your voice, and you will know and accept this.  There is nothing to fear for sharing it with the world.”

Because I was watching for it, I felt it the instant he let me go, sucking in a breath more out of habit than any real need for air.  “Jakob… what did you do?” I asked, unnecessarily.  I already knew the answer to the question before I spoke the words. 

“I gave you what you wished for.  Now you can be truly happy,” he beamed.

“I didn’t ask you to do anything.”

“Didn’t you?”  He raised a single brow.  “Take the stage,” Jakob gestured expansively, and my gaze fell to the empty space beside the band. 

My mouth opened to protest out of sheer habit, but I didn’t feel that same gut-wrenching sensation at the mere suggestion of singing in front of all those people.  I could get up there and sing, what was stopping me?  Sure, I didn’t have permission from the management, but I was Jakob’s date, I could do what I wanted to. I didn’t even have to have a reason. 

“Alright,” I replied, surprising myself at how easily I rose from the booth.  I didn’t stop to
ask anyone if it was okay, I simply strode right up the center of the room and stepped onto the stage.  The band eyed me with curiosity, but kept on playing, and I stood there calmly, waiting for them to finish the number.  Before I knew it, the song was over and they looked to me expectantly.  My gaze traveled out to the crowd, looking out at the people who stared up at me expectantly.  Nothing.  Not a tremor.  Not a single butterfly. 

Leaning away from the mic, I asked, “Do you know
Summertime
?”  Of course they did.  Any jazz band worth their salt knew the old Gershwin favorite, and this band didn’t disappoint.  It took me a moment to find the rhythm in their lazy rendition, and then I was a part of it.  Instead of focusing on the constriction of my throat or the furthest light in the room so I didn’t accidentally catch anyone else’s eye, I could relax and enjoy myself, the way I did when singing in a group.  Only I
owned
this song.  The band watched me for cues, matching their tempo to mine once I got started.  It was like we’d been performing together for years, feeding off of each other’s energy. 

It was… amazing.   

I didn’t even hear the applause when the last note died in air, the exhilaration of what I’d done was enough to carry me back to the table in a cloud of happiness. 

Jakob positively beamed with pride, ushering me back into the booth with great flair.  “There you see
?  You only needed that push to realize your full potential.”

Just like that my bubble of happiness burst as I remembered that none of the feelings I experienced were my own.  They only existed because Jakob had reached into my brain and shaped me into something he could be proud of.  Don’t get me wrong.  On the one hand, I was grateful, how could I not be?  On the other, they might have been crippling at times but they were
my
fears, and I’d lived with them for years.  To find them suddenly gone… was like missing a piece of myself.