Mazel Tov: Celebrities' Bar and Bat Mitzvah Memories (10 page)

They called Ruth Bell’s boys tall, dark and handsome, and indeed they were, with their muscular bodies, sleek black fur and glistening eyes. Standing a statuesque eighteen inches tall, top to toe, the elegantly craggy-faced guys were a dynamic drooling duo. They grew up in New York City and in the Hamptons, and happily divided their time between the two places, always accompanied by their loving adoptive mother, Ruth Bell. Arthur and Murray expected nothing but the best from life, and boy, did they get it when Ruth threw them a spectacular double “
bark
mitzvah,” and that’s no typo.

Being popular pups, Arthur and Murray relished their dog and people friends (the people friends came to their “bark mitzvah”), but who did they like spending time with most of all besides their mother? Each other. They loved each other and were loyal to the end. When Murray fell into the pool, Arthur found Ruth and indicated through barking that his brother was in deep trouble. Ruth jumped into the pool with her clothes on to finish the rescue Arthur had instigated. In their spare time, Arthur and Murray worked with what educators call
manipulatives
: bones and sometimes tennis balls. They craved their canned dog food and spurned the leftovers of people food. When they passed away, Ruth wasn’t sure about having more but relented, and now has four loving dogs: Raymond Alexander, Duke, Lola May and Ella. (Raymond Alexander is named after Arthur and Lola May is named after Murray.) Arthur and Murray are buried together and share a headstone.

Ruth Bell, who is not losing it at all, grew up in Brooklyn. She graduated from Erasmus High School and the Fashion Institute of Technology. A Reform Jew, she did not have a bat mitzvah and did attend Hebrew school. Bell is involved with her local temple, the Hampton Synagogue, and started a scholarship fund named for her parents, Irene and George Bell, to benefit the Hebrew school associated with the synagogue. Ruth Bell is a partner in the children’s dance wear business, Ricki B. She enjoys everything, but especially spending time with her dogs, family and friends, in that order.

I met Ruth Bell at an event held by the Hadassah chapter in Westhampton. I had been chosen as the Hadassah Woman of the Year in 2005. During my talk, I mentioned this book project. Ruth Bell later called me with the details of Arthur and Murray’s special day.

IT’S A DOG’S WORLD AFTER ALL

My dogs Arthur and Murray were “bark mitzvahed” on July 5, 1997, at my house in Quogue on Long Island. I had originally planned to take them to Israel, but it didn’t work out. It would have been hard getting them in and out of the country. So I decided that we’d just have a good time here. I used to have a July Fourth party every year. And back then, in 1997, Arthur and Murray happened to be nearly two years old, which makes them thirteen in dog years. So I thought it would be a perfect time for a big celebration. Their birthday was September 1 so they were a solid thirteen at the time since technically one year for us is seven years for a dog, so they were thirteen going on fourteen. I know that everyone reading this will think I should be committed.

My friends thought it was the best party I ever had. I loved my dogs and I thought of them as my Jewish boys, although they weren’t circumcised. We had a rabbi, a make-believe one. My rabbi, Rabbi Mark, said it was okay. He couldn’t perform the ceremony himself because it was on a Saturday night. We had a bracha. Arthur and Murray, those good students, prepared. They had a practice ceremony with just a few select people in the morning. They read the Wolf Torah. This was the moment when they went from being puppies to dogs, in the Jewish religion.

At the real ceremony we had almost a hundred people. We invited people, not dogs, to this one. It wasn’t kosher because Arthur and Murray were Reform. We had cocktails, hors d’oeuvres, dinner, and the
ha-motzi
, which is the prayer you say over the challah before you eat. Arthur and Murray stood up there during the
ha-motzi
. They ate the bread. And then we had a candle-lighting ceremony with thirteen or fourteen candles. We had matches that said “Arthur and Murray Bark Mitzvah. July 5th, 1997.” At each table, everyone was given a candle to light. We had a wonderful cake that was shaped like a Torah. I read a poem. We had goody bags for the guests and T-shirts, too. The celebration was one of the highlights of my life.

It wasn’t a real religious ceremony. It was a lark! We had a band and the party was catered. I called a caterer that I’ve used before and I said to him, “Myra, you’re not going to believe what we’re doing this year.” And I said, “A ‘bark mitzvah.’” She said, “A what?” So, I said, “You know my Arthur and Murray. It’s time for them to be ‘bark mitzvahed.’” I think she said to me, “Did you lose it?” I said, “No, I think I’m just getting it.” It was all for my twin boys! This was nearly ten years ago, and I spent about ten thousand dollars on it. The celebration was intimate, at my house. If I had a son or daughter, there would have been a bar or bat mitzvah. Arthur and Murray, being dogs, got a “bark mitzvah.”

My mother, may she rest in peace, would have been so proud of Moishe and Avram, which are their real Hebrew names. And they were proud, too. They’re such big kosher hams. The outfits they wore were rather formal and each had a tallis and yarmulke. The tables were designed especially with dogs in mind. The centerpieces were IAMS dog treat boxes filled with flowers. The tablecloths had pictures of hearts and dog bones. We had dancing. Arthur and Murray were great. I mean, they were very well behaved.

They got beautiful gifts, too, and they wrote thank-you notes signed with their paw prints. They got sterling silver Stars of David to wear on their collars. And they wore them. They got all kinds of leashes and food. Barbara Smith gave them a beautiful picnic basket complete with dog bowls. But they did not get any cash, which was fine because they didn’t own any wallets.

DID YOU HAVE THE “BARK MITZVAH” BECAUSE YOU ARE RELIGIOUS OR JUST WANTED TO HAVE A PARTY FOR ARTHUR AND MURRAY?

Am I religious? Well, I like to eat. You know, that’s what Jews do when they celebrate something, they eat. I had the “bark mitzvah” for Arthur and Murray because they’re my kids. If had a son, I would have him bar mitzvahed. This is the same thing. They were entitled to this.

I’M ALMOST AFRAID TO ASK: WHAT ABOUT THEIR WEDDINGS?

I think they were gay. And anyhow, they are no longer alive. Arthur died first. He got hit by a car. I was in Atlanta at the time. I passed out when they told me. And my little Murray was blind. And he missed his brother, because his brother helped him around. Eventually, I had to put him down. It’s never the right time. I buried each one with his tallis and yarmulke.

YOU STILL HAVE MANY DOGS, AND I’M TERRIFIED TO ASK, BUT WILL THEY HAVE “BARK MITZVAHS”?

I have four—Raymond, Dukie, Lola May and Ella. I was thinking of having a joint ceremony, but I don’t know. I have to do four at one time because they’re all the same age, the two girls and two boys. Or, I could wait and have Sweet Sixteens. And these dogs are straight, so there could be a chuppah in their future. My little Dukie has a crush on my big girl, Lola May. My dogs are my children. You know, if somebody says, “Well, could you get the dog out, you know, take the dogs outside?” I say, “No, they live here. You go outside. This is their house.” My nephew and nieces were over a couple of weeks ago. They call me Tanta and one of them, Griffith, said, “Is Tanta rich?” So Cameron says, “She used to be, but she spends all her money on us and her dogs.”

Being Jewish and a mother is a formidable combination. Also an Emmy Award–winning actress and comedian, Judy Gold grew up in New Jersey, where she starred in her first one-woman show, her own bat mitzvah. Years later, her one-woman show,
25 Questions for a Jewish Mother,
would become a critically acclaimed Off-Broadway production.

As a child, Judy Gold didn’t really fit in with the crowd. She was taller than the crowd, including her teachers, all the parents and the rabbi. Gold was also a musical child and enjoyed piano lessons and clarinet, which earned her the label Band Nerd. She attributes her height and her participation in the marching band and other musical outlets to her incredible lack of popularity among the teenage socialites in her New Jersey high school. Despite her lousy high school experience, Judy Gold always knew that her inner coolness would one day emerge. And it did, at Rutgers University, where she learned that she could make people laugh just by standing up and talking. After moving to New York City and finding work selling ad space, Gold bemoaned the fact that she was no longer doing stand-up as she had in college and she really missed it. Her friend Wendy finally got fed up and told Judy to either start doing stand-up again or quit talking about it. Thank you, Wendy, because we would have missed out on a major talent. We hope the newspapers found someone else to sell the ad space.

Gold is the host of HBO’s
At the Multiplex with Judy Gold,
and also hosted Comedy Central’s
100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time
and the
GLADD Media Awards.
Her TV specials include a half-hour comedy special for LOGO and she is featured in the HBO documentary
All Aboard.
Her stand-up specials include
Comedy Central Presents: Judy Gold,
Comedy Central’s
Tough Crowd Stands Up,
and Judy’s HBO half-hour special, which received a Cable Ace Award. Gold also performed in the smash-hit film
The Aristocrats.
Other television appearances include
Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, The View, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,
and
Late Night with Conan O’Brien,
to name a few.

Gold won two Emmy Awards for writing and producing
The Rosie O’Donnell Show.
She was nominated twice for the American Comedy Awards’ funniest female stand-up.
25 Questions for a Jewish Mother
earned Gold a nomination for a Drama Desk Award for Outstanding Solo Performance and won the 2007 GLAAD Media Award. A book based on the show was published earlier this year.

Gold lives in New York City with her two children. She frequently tours theaters and comedy clubs around the country. Her CD,
Judith’s Roommate Had A Baby,
is available now. Check out www.JudyGold.com.

JUDY GOLD REVENGE OF THE GIANT NERD

First, let’s talk about my mother. She was born in 1922 and she wanted to attend Hebrew school, and since girls did not go to Hebrew school, she sat in on the classes voluntarily. When it was time for all the boys to be bar mitzvahed, they did a special service for my mother on Shavuos. They called it a confirmation, but in reality, it was actually one of the first bat mitzvahs ever because, back in 1935 there was no such thing. So my mother was really into the Jewy thing.

I grew up in Clark, New Jersey, and we were members of Temple Beth O’r. I went to Hebrew school, but mostly I hated it and thought it was really boring. I did enjoy going to synagogue, especially because on Friday nights after the service they served these really good brownies. We went pretty much every week after Shabbos dinner. We went for every holiday. We even made a sukkah in our backyard. We were very kosher. I would consider us Jewy Jews. For me, becoming a bat mitzvah wasn’t even a choice. My brother had a bar mitzvah, and my parents just had a little luncheon at the house afterward. My sister had a bat mitzvah on a Friday night and then my parents just had dessert afterward.

Everyone else had these
huge
friggin’ parties, right?
Huge,
like…I remember the first bat mitzvah of my year, the service was on Friday night and on Saturday night was the big shindig. And my mother—I was six feet tall—my mother made me a dress. She had to make a lot of my clothes because I was so tall. So she made me this dress, a jumper that came down to my knees, so I arrive at my first big bat mitzvah and I’m the only one in a short dress and I’m six feet tall. Everyone else was wearing these long gowns. And you know how they would seat you a the kids’ table? Well, here’s how it worked. Depending on how popular you were, that’s how close you got to sit to the bat mitzvah girl. So there I was, not only in a short dress, but I was seated with her little cousins at the end of the second tier. From that point on I made my mom buy me a long gown for all the big bar mitzvah parties.

Months later, I had high hopes for my own bat mitzvah. I was looking forward to picking out the party favors we would give to the kids. Everyone would give these huge gifts. You’d get picture frames, caricatures, dolls, paperweights, country homes—you name it. Now, my mother was very traditional, and thought that the religious aspect of the bat mitzvah was the most significant. So when she said to me, “I’ll give you a dinner before, and they can have coffee and dessert afterward,” needless to say, I was distressed. I thought “Uuhhhh, I’m already unpopular and
NOW
you’re going to make me even
more unpopular
!” My sister was very artistic and she handmade the invitations. I couldn’t have been from a nerdier family. You know, everyone else has bows and the raised lettering and I have my sister doing calligraphy. They had them printed and then she hand-painted each one. I mean, now that I think back, it was nice, but at the time I thought it was horrible.

Still, I looked forward to it. I was excited because I would get to perform. Because of my height, I was the only kid who didn’t have to stand on a platform. I was even taller than the rabbi. I did my haftarah and I was perfect. I wore an orange dress, although there are no pictures because my mother wouldn’t use a camera in the synagogue on Shabbos. Basically, we had our dinner, and then I did the service and then we had dessert, and that was it. Isn’t that so boring?

But I did get gifts and money. My parents took it and put it all in a bank account for me. And of course, I was such a nerd, and I played the clarinet, and when I was a junior in high school I had to have the BEST clarinet!! And I took the money and bought a really expensive clarinet. Which of course I still have but never play.

DID YOU AT LEAST PUT THE CLARINET TO GOOD USE AT THE BAT MITZVAH PARTY?

Oh God, no. The party was at the synagogue. There was no music. On a scale of one to ten, I would say it was a two. Everyone just ate dinner. There was no big dessert table. I remember that at one bat mitzvah, the bat mitzvah girl came out of a cake…with sparklers! At mine we had party favors that my mother picked out. For the girls, there were little change purses with a paisley design, and key chains for the boys. So I said, “Ma, I’ve got old parents, I’m six feet tall, and these are the gifts. Can’t we at least have the velvet yarmulkes?” Her answer was, “No, the plain ones,” and I just thought, Oh God!

DOES THAT EXPLAIN WHY YOU BECAME THE PERSON YOU ARE NOW? AND THAT YOU BECAME A COMEDIAN BECAUSE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD?

Yes, I mean back then I wanted to kill her, but she really did teach me good values, I think. Despite my feelings at the time, my kids go to Hebrew school and I observe many of the tenets that I love about the religion. I see the value of observing Shabbos on Friday night. The fact that my mother did adhere to the traditions and didn’t get into this whole battle about “Okay, we’re going to have the biggest party” is quite meaningful to me now. I do thank her for that.

Recently, I was at my mother’s house and I was going to pick up some sandwiches at the deli. Before I left to go pick up the food, she said, “Wait, let me give you the money,” and she pulled out her wallet and she gave me some cash. As I was walking away she said, “Wait, let me give you some change,” and then she pulled out the change purse from my bat mitzvah thirty-one years before.

OH MY GOODNESS, DON’T TELL ME YOUR FATHER STILL HAD THE KEYCHAIN…

No, he’s dead.

WELL, HE MAY STILL HAVE THE KEYCHAIN…

Yeah, it’s probably in the coffin. I’m telling you, I said, “Mom, it’s bad enough that you have macaroni art on your dresser…but it’s unbelievable that you still have that stupid little change purse from the bat mitzvah.”

FOR MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BOOK THIS SPECIAL CELEBRATION WAS A REAL TURNING POINT IN THEIR LIVES. DID YOU FEEL THAT WAY?

Oh yeah, I couldn’t wait to make my speech! And I was going to sing that haftarah because, you know, there was no way I was ever going to be an ingenue. I’m six feet tall, and I’m anerd. This was the
HERE I AM!!!
moment. I’m going to sing my haftarah and you’re going to hear it and
I’M THE STAR!!!
And then I’m going give my speech and you’re all going to listen. I was so looking forward to it and I was determined not to make any mistakes. It was like I was the star in the school play—and that certainly wasn’t going to happen.

What being up there showed me is that there was something in me that knew that I was not a loser. I got teased a lot and I was not in the cool crowd at all and most of the kids were really nasty. I can’t exactly pinpoint what it was, but I had some kind of drive that got me through it. There was something deep down inside me that knew I wasn’t a loser at all.

DID THAT WACKY HUMOR OF YOURS COME OUT?

I definitely had a sense of humor at the time, but since I don’t remember what I said in my speech I don’t know if it had any funny parts. I think the only humorous bit was that the rabbi was five foot two, and I’m standing there the six-foot-tall bat mitzvah girl.

YOU SAID YOU WERE
NOT
POPULAR IN SCHOOL…

Not at all. I stood out like a sore thumb. Actually, I grew up and went to Hebrew school with this one clique of girls, and they were the really popular girls. This is one of my favorite stories. It was the protocol that you invited everyone in your Hebrew school class to your bar or bat mitzvah even if you weren’t friends with them. So, one Saturday morning, we were all at a bar mitzvah, and I’m sitting there with everyone else, and one of the popular girls comes in and starts pointing, to each kid and says, “Did you get my invitation?” Then she points to me doesn’t say a word, and skips to the next person. Now how mean is that?

I THINK YOU SHOULD SEND HER AN INVITATION TO YOUR SHOW AND SAY, “LOOK AT ME NOW.”

That’s right! She can pay sixty-five dollars to see my ass up there! The funny thing is that growing up, the two things I hated the most were going to the temple with the clique of Jews and going to high school. I hated both of those places. Last year the temple really needed to raise money, and so who did they call and ask to do a fund-raiser? And so I ended up doing this show at the damn high school! I got on stage and did a benefit for the synagogue at my old high school.

YOUR SHOW IS QUITE PROVOCATIVE. IT’S BASED ON YOUR LIFE, WHICH HAS BEEN EXTREMELY COLORFUL, HILARIOUS, SAD AND POIGNANT.

My whole show is about my being a Jew, being gay, being a mother and being a daughter. I think of myself as a Jew first and foremost. Being gay is just a small part of who I am. You know how I figured out I was gay? I knew I was weird; I knew something was going on inside of me. Then my Hebrew school went to see the Israeli Day parade and as we walked down Fifth Avenue, a woman standing on the corner was holding up a sign with the words “My son was homosexual and he went to see Dr. So-and-So and now he’s not.” And I thought to myself, Oh my God, I have to write that phone number down. That’s when I realized that I was gay.

My show is about coming to terms with this whole Jew-gay conflict and being a comic and a mother. I feel like I try to be as traditional as possible, but yet it seems like I don’t really fit in anywhere! The truth is that being a Jew is
all
of who I am. It’s what I eat, it’s how I look, it’s how I think, it’s my hair, it’s my nose, it’s everything about me. Being gay is about who I love.

YOUR FAMILY IS ACCEPTING OF WHO YOU ARE?

Yes, now they are. At first they just didn’t talk about it. That was the thing—don’t talk about it, ignore it and maybe it will go away. But then once I became a mother, my mother couldn’t really ignore what was going on. My CD is called
Judith’s Roommate Had a Baby
because when Henry was born (my ex gave birth to Henry and I adopted him), my mother didn’t know how to explain it, so she would say, “Uh, Judith’s roommate had a baby.”

I LOVE THAT. THEN YOU HAD THE SECOND CHILD.

I had the second child, but I didn’t want to separate them, so after we broke up I got my ex an apartment in the building so I could see them everyday, even if they were sleeping at her place. And she has a girlfriend. My life is a sitcom.

My kids are the most important part of my life. Oh my God, I love love love them. And you know, it’s so weird, I hated Hebrew school and they like Hebrew school. It’s different now. I think Jews look at things in different ways. I mean, that’s the rabbi’s job, to interpret these old texts and apply their meanings to our lives—to teach. We have these rabbis who study the same Talmud that the rabbis studied thousands of years ago. It’s unbelievable to me.