Lucky Break (19 page)

Chapter Thirteen

Sidney couldn’t remember most of the plane ride. She’d cried half of the time. But she was cutting it so short, she hardly had time to race to the apartment for an hour before she headed out for her audition.

The apartment. She hadn’t even thought of it as home. How strange was that?

She wasn’t nervous as she headed for Studio City, though she was pretty sure she should be. Maybe that was a good thing.

“Hello, Ms. Williams.”

Sidney shook the director’s hand as she stepped inside. “Hi. Thank you so much for asking to meet with me. I really appreciate it.” Or she
should
appreciate it, but all she felt was…well, nothing. Numbness.

“No problem. I’m going to be honest with you for a second. I’ve seen your tapes and I can tell you, you’d be perfect for this movie. Right now we’re just going through the formalities.”

Sidney smiled, waiting to feel something: shock, elation,
anything
, but she simply didn’t. Not the way she should. Sure, the thought was cool and she did feel honored, but she couldn’t manage anything else.

“Thank you so much. I’m…I’m honored.”

Really, though, all she could think was how much she wanted to go away and eat a gallon of rocky road.

She got the part. A movie. Her dream. The whole bus ride she kept reminding herself of that. She expected to feel more than just a small hum of excitement, but she couldn’t drum it up. How did she make herself happy about something she should already be happy about?

She grabbed some Chinese before heading back to the tiny apartment. It felt so empty. She tried to tell herself it was because she’d lived with Steve for the past three months or because it seriously resembled the size of a shoebox, but she knew none of those was the reason.

Why did things work like that? How was it that deep inside you, there could be so much knowledge hidden away. How was it that part of you could be secure and smart and always follow your heart but just the awareness of that part didn’t bring it to the surface?

Because even though she hated being back here, she couldn’t make herself leave, either. She had a chance to be in a movie! She couldn’t walk away from that.

How could she walk away from the thing she always wanted?

You already did…

Sidney fell onto her couch and pulled out her cell. No new messages. She tossed it to the table and turned on the TV. Her fingers itched for her sewing machine, but it had been too clunky to bring. Mae promised to send it to her, but she wanted it now.

When her cell rang, she scrambled to pick it up. She hit talk before even looking at the number.

“Sidney? Is that you?”

What the? “
Steve?
Why are you calling me?”

She hadn’t talked to him since he walked out on her and she’d been fine with that.
Why can’t I forget Kade that easily?

“Hey, baby. How are you?”

“Pretty sure I’m not your baby anymore.” Sidney surprised even herself. Six weeks ago, she might have reveled in this tiny triumph.

He laughed as though she’d just told him a joke. “Listen. I’m in town and I thought maybe we could get together. I’ve really missed you. I think…I think I made a mistake.”

He thought he made a mistake? He tossed her out the window the first chance he had.

At the same time…she could have her life back, if she wanted it. Steve, the movie. It fit.

Only it didn’t. “I don’t think you made a mistake. Well, let me rephrase that.
You
might have, but I know I’m not making one now. Good-bye, Steve. Do me a favor and erase my number.”

She hung up the phone waiting for the emotions that should rightfully follow such an unexpected call—despair, nostalgia, bitter glory, anything—but all she felt was a sudden need to call Kade…Rowan…someone back home, but she didn’t. Instead she went to the freezer for her rocky road ice cream and hoped and prayed to finally feel something other than longing for home.

…

Kade sat on the back deck of his mom’s house looking up at the night sky. He’d come here right after dropping Peaches off at the airport. They’d all gone to sleep hours ago, but he couldn’t make himself do the same.

“Hey you…can’t sleep?” His mom slipped into the deck and pulled up a chair beside him.

“Nah. You?”

The porch light shone next to them, casting a shadow so he saw her shake her head.

They were silent for a few minutes before she said, “It wasn’t your fault.”

“What wasn’t?” He set his beer down.

“None of it. Your dad, Sidney leaving. It also wasn’t your responsibility to take care of either of us. I know you want to and I get it, but it’s not your job. You need to know that…” Her voice sounded soft, pained.

A ball lodged in his throat. “I should have protected you. I’m your son. I should have done something or told someone. Instead of sitting back and letting it happen.”

“No!” His mom grabbed his hand. “
I
should have protected me. I should have protected you. It was never your responsibility! You think I don’t know you’ve always felt like it was? That you felt an obligation to me because you thought you failed? It’s one of my biggest regrets in life, Kade. Not your father, because at least he gave me you. I regret not making sure you knew who the parent was. That was
me.
The protecting fell on my shoulders.”

She started to cry. Damn it, he hated it when she cried. “Mom…it doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past.”

With her free hand, she wiped her tears. “It
does
matter because you’re still hurting. You still think you let me down. I bet you feel like you let Sidney down, too.” She looked in his eyes, the flow of her tears ebbing. “You have such a huge heart, Kade. That’s a beautiful quality to have and it kills me to see you in pain. To know you two could have been happy all these years if I would have just made sure you knew you didn’t owe me anything.”

Ah, so that’s what this was about. She thought he lost Sidney because of her. “Mom, you had nothing to do with Sidney and me. It just wasn’t meant to be.” His chest felt tight at the words.

“That’s not true. You would have gone with her and she would have let you.”

He laughed. “No, that’s not true. I told her the night she left I’d go with her. That I’d take care of her. She chose to leave without me.”

“Did you tell her you loved her? That you belong where she does?”

His head snapped around so his eyes met hers.

“I didn’t think so. You know Sidney better than anyone on Earth, Kade. When you said you’d take care of her, she drew her own conclusions about what that meant. There’s a difference between wanting to be with someone and doing it. That girl has always felt abandoned by her parents. Always felt like she’d been a burden they didn’t want. Why wouldn’t she feel that with you too? If you didn’t tell her how you feel, what was she supposed to think? You didn’t tell her because you knew that would be the one thing she needed to hear. Because you still couldn’t make yourself walk away from me.”

The tightness in his chest spread, almost making it impossible to breathe. Was his mom right? Had he subconsciously sabotaged their relationship by not opening up to Sidney? Had he done it because he really couldn’t make himself go to California—even for her?

No…

“I’ll tell you again, you didn’t fail me, Kade. You’re incapable of failing anyone.”

“He almost killed you that night.” The words were hard to even say.

“But he
didn’t
. And that’s because of you.” She walked over and kneeled in front of him. “You need to figure out what it is you really want. What will make you happy? If it’s Sidney…if you love her, you
fight
for her. You still might not get her, but you’ll know you did everything in your power to have her. You don’t let her go without giving it your best. Fight for her. If I’ve learned anything in life—anything at all—it’s that you can’t just sit by and let things happen to you. You have to fight.”

She kissed him on the forehead and, leaving him speechless, walked inside.

…

Sidney picked up the phone.

She’d looked forward to this call for years. Now, she finally had a reason to make it.

Slowly, she dialed. Her mother picked up on the third ring.

“Caterina Williams.”

Ugh. She hated that her mother answered the phone like that even when Sidney called.

“Hi, Mom. How are you?” Her heart started to rap against her chest, and her palms were sweating. A person shouldn’t get this way every time she spoke with her parent.

“Sidney! I’m well. How are you? I heard you’re in Shamrock Falls.” The phone rustled. “I’ll be done in just a minute,” she heard her mom say. Well, obviously she shouldn’t hope for a long phone call. “I always wondered how long it would be until you went back.”

She fought the urge to hang up the phone. Why, why, why did her mom hate her? Why did she always assume the worst? And why couldn’t Sidney stick up for herself?

“I’m not…I’m not back. I’m in California. I only went for a few weeks.”
And there would be nothing wrong if I did go back for good.
Again, that one little part of her knew it to be true, but she couldn’t make the rest of her catch up.

“Oh, I just assumed…anyway, why did you go back to LA?”

Obviously it couldn’t be to act, because she would never be able to do what her mom did, right? “For a job,” she found herself saying. “They called me about a movie. I got the part!”

“A speaking part? Made for TV?”

Of course she had to assume that. “No, Mom. It’s a big part. They really want me.”

“That’s wonderful. A movie! You’ll have to tell me all about it.” Sidney heard her whisper, “Celeste, it’s going to be a while. My daughter got a part in a movie.” Then, to Sidney, she said, “When do you start filming? What’s it about?”

Sidney bit her lip and said, “I haven’t told them yes yet. I asked for a day to think about it.”

“That’s very smart of you. Let them think you have the upper hand.”

Actually, that wasn’t what she’d been thinking at all. She’d actually just been freaked out. For once she wanted to be able to share that with her mom—to let her know how she felt the way she could with Aunt Mae, or Kade and Rowan.

“I’m not sure it’s what I want…” It was the first time she’d verbalized the words, yet they didn’t feel foreign.
Oh my God.
She didn’t know if she wanted to act. And she was okay with that.

“What?”
Her mom practically screamed into the phone. “What do you mean it’s not what you want? This might be the only chance you get! Was this Mae’s idea? She always did try and put silly thoughts into your head.”

Sidney gasped. “Mae has never done anything but support me. She lets me make my own decisions.” She respected them, and loved her regardless.

“Yes…yes…” she sounded as though she didn’t know what to say. “I support you too, but this is a movie, Sid. You don’t want to lose your chance.”

Sidney didn’t know where the words came from, but she asked, “What? When have you supported me?”

Her mom sighed on the other end of the phone. “I went to your plays. You did two of them in high school and I was there for both. I never missed birthdays or holidays. I’m always just a phone call away.”

“Cards and money. You never missed cards and money, but you missed phone calls and visits. You weren’t there when I didn’t get parts or when someone broke my heart.”

“That’s not fair, Sidney. I have a career. I couldn’t just jump on a plane for anything.”

Sidney was dizzy. Adrenaline pumped through her. “You were there when it was something you deemed worthy, not something I cared about.”

After twenty-three years, it was then that she finally got it. She wasn’t even sure what it was that finally made all the little pieces click into place, but she suddenly had a fully formed puzzle in her head. That quiet little voice now yelled at the top of her lungs for Sidney to wake up. To open her eyes. Her mom might be happy with certain things she did, but she would never fully be happy with Sidney. Conditional love. Or maybe not even that. She must love her own daughter, but conditional affection was all she had to offer, and that wasn’t what Sidney wanted.

Nothing would ever be as important to Caterina Williams as herself.

“Things will never change, will they?” She didn’t know where this new inner strength came from, but she wanted to grip it with both her hands. Hold it so tight she would never lose it. It was a rush, reminding her of how it felt when she finally jumped off that tire swing.

“Excuse me?” her mother asked.

“No matter what I do, things will always be the same. It’s how you’re built. There isn’t anything I can do to change our relationship. To ever really be worthy.”

“You’re my daughter.”

Yet she still didn’t say
I love you
. Still didn’t say she cared or that Sidney mattered.

“The daughter you left.” She heard Caterina gasp on the other end of the phone, but Sidney wasn’t done. Not yet.

“I don’t even want to be an actress…” As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew they were true. “I
never
wanted to be an actress. Yes, there were aspects I enjoyed, but it wasn’t my end game. I was so scared of being what you hated—of being the girl stuck in the small town—that I made myself believe I wanted to do it so you would love me.”

The puzzle expanded, new thoughts and truths popping up in each corner of her mind.

“You hated the idea of being stuck in Shamrock Falls so I made myself believe I hated it too. You left me to be an actress, so I made myself want the same dream, when really none of it would ever be enough.”