Authors: Amber Garza
My head swims and my body moves slowly as if I’m under
water. How many shots did I have? I grip tightly to Anna’s waist in an effort to stay upright. Anna lifts her head and peers up at me. Her lips shine under the lights. Pushing up on her heels, she angles her face toward mine. I know I should turn away, but I just can’t. Her lips are nearing mine, and yet I make no effort to stop it. Not only that, but I want it. I want to feel her mouth on mine. I want to slip my tongue in her mouth, bury my fingers in her hair. I want her to erase the ache in my chest. I want her to make me forget about Lola just for a moment.
When our mouths collide, I slip my hands up into her hair. I slide my tongue into her mouth and kiss her hungrily, desperately. It’s like she’s my lifeline, my last hope. Only it doesn’t
work. No matter how hard I kiss her, no matter how much I try, I can’t forget Lola. And when we part, I only miss her more. It’s not lipstick I’m addicted to. And it’s not attention I want. It’s Lola I’m addicted to, and only attention from her will give me relief. I look into Anna’s eyes feeling like the biggest jerk on the planet. Not only have I led on this sweet girl, but I betrayed the girl I love more than life itself. What was I thinking?
I groan, running a hand over my head. “I’m sorry,” I say to a stunned Anna. Shoving away from her, I push my way through the sea of gyrating bodies. Not until I’m outside in the cold night air do I allow myself to breathe. I
suck in big, heaving gulps while cursing myself for being such an idiot.
Just then my cell buzzes in my pocket. I snatch it out and read the text.
I miss u 2. It’s agony without u. I’m so sorry. I’ll make it up to u. Promise.
My heart stops. I re-read the text again as shame washes over me.
What have I done?
21
Lola
“I can’t believe you finally stood up to your parents about Ryker. I wish I could’ve been there to see their faces.” Star and I move forward in line at the Starbucks in the airport. My eyelids droop a bit. I sniff, catching a whiff of espresso beans, and that alone perks me up a little. I’m in need of a coffee fix, bad. Just thinking this causes a smile to break out on my face. It reminds me of Ryker and his red lipstick addiction. I plan to coat my lips in it before heading to his apartment the minute we get back to Seattle. I’ve missed him so much this past week. I feel like I can hardly go another minute.
“Well, it wasn’t exactly pretty,” I respond, remembering how angry both of them were. Camille was the only one who seemed happy about it, but I think that’s just because the more mad my parents are at me, the more pleased they are with her. She’ll probably get a whole new wardrobe out of this. “They were so upset when I told them that I’d fallen in love with a struggling musician and that I had no intention of hanging out with Nolan.
Ever. I thought Dad was going to kill me. Worse yet, I was afraid they were going to cut me off. Then how would I be able to stay in Seattle?”
“Oh, I don’t think they’ll do that, Lola.” Star links arms with me as we walk forward. “From what you told me, I think they’re kind of afraid of pushing you away any more than they already have.”
I nod, biting my lip. I hope she’s right. Regardless, I feel lighter. I feel like I’ve finally done the right thing. Glancing outside of the coffee shop, I spot Beckett standing near our luggage waiting on us. My heart flutters in my chest. When I head home for Spring Break it will be Ryker out there. I’ve already told my parents I’m bringing him with me. It’s time that they met him. I can’t promise him that I’ll marry him, but I do know that I can picture a future with him. I can honestly tell him that I want to be committed to him and that I’m open to the prospect of us being together forever. This week away from him was torture for me, and it became painfully obvious that I don’t want to be without him. Not only that, but I realized that I’m stronger than I thought I was. And I have Ryker to thank for that. He’s made me stronger. His belief in me and love for me has buoyed me somehow.
As I head toward the counter to order, I recall the last text he sent me.
U have nothing to make up 4. I love u and miss u 2. So much.
I can’t believe it took me so long to fully give my heart to
Ryker. He’s the most honest and trustworthy guy I’ve ever met. If anyone deserves my heart, it’s him. And I can’t wait until this afternoon to fully surrender it.
I rub my lips together. They are slick from the copious amounts of lipstick I put on. Taking a deep breath, I knock on Ryker’s door. I didn’t bother texting him when we landed. Instead, I just headed to the dorm to drop off my stuff and then raced here. The thought of being in Ryker’s arms, of feeling his lips on mine was enough to drive me wild. Besides, I got the feeling that Beckett and Star wanted to be alone. Their trip went well, but they had prying eyes on them all weekend.
The door swings open and
Ryker stands in front of me shirtless, his jeans hanging low on his hips.
“Do you always open your door like this?” I croon.
“Because if so, I’m coming over every day.”
“Lola?” His eyebrows jump up in surprise. “I didn’t know you were back.”
“I wanted to surprise you,” I say.
His eyes darken, and my insides twist. I know I said some harsh things last time I was over. I really hope I can make up for them today. “I’m definitely surprised.”
“Can I come in?” My voice is soft, timid.
“Of course.”
He steps aside to allow me to enter.
Ryker
hasn’t touched me yet. In fact, he’s made no movement toward me at all. It unnerves me. Perhaps I did more damage than I thought. I can’t stand it any longer, so I whirl around to face him. “Look, Ryker, I came over to tell you that I’m so sorry about what I said last week. I was a total bitch, okay? You’ve been nothing but sweet and patient with me.” I shake my head. “I’m just so messed up, you know? But that’s all going to change. When we were apart, I realized just how much you mean to me. And I’m ready to make that commitment to you.” His eyes widen and his body goes rigid as if he’s completely shocked. I step toward him, touching his arm gently. “I love you. And I can see a future with you. In fact, at this moment, I can’t really picture one without you.” I smile up at him, but his face is still a mask of surprise. It’s like he’s literally gone into shock. “I even told my parents how I feel about you. They weren’t exactly thrilled, but I think they’ve accepted it. And you’re invited next time I visit.”
“Lola,” he says as if finally coming out of his stupor.
“Oh, good. You can talk. I was a little worried there,” I joke, running my fingers up the length of his arm. “Can you still kiss too? Because I don’t know how much longer I can hold off.” I lean in close, so close our lips are almost touching.
His arms come up around me, sliding up my neck and curving around my face. He brushes his lips lightly over mine. “I missed you so much.” He closes his lips over mine with
a fierceness unlike ever before. His fingers tangle in my hair and his mouth crushes mine. He steals away my breath, as his tongue shoots into my mouth and swirls around. When we part I take a deep breath. My lips feel swollen. Red rings his mouth. Giggling, I reach out and wipe it off with my fingers.
“
I just wasn’t expecting this.” He releases me and walks toward the couch.
I follow behind him. “I know. Like I said, I was awful before. I’m sorry.”
“No. Please, stop saying sorry. You did nothing wrong.” He sinks down on the couch and puts his head in his hands.
I’m alarmed by his demeanor. Before I can ask him what’s going on, the front door springs open and Pierce bursts inside with a blond girl on his arm. He freezes at the sight of me. “Oh.
Hi, Lola.” His tone is awkward, wary.
Again
I sense something is wrong. The blond girls cocks her head to the side, giving me the once over. “Wow, he sure gets around.”
Her words are like a punch in the gut. “What does she mean by that?” I turn to
Ryker, my eyes narrowing. He looks up at me through splayed fingers, guilt etching his features.
“
Lexi, come on.” Pierce forcibly grabs the blond girl’s arm and yanks her down the hallway.
My face heats
up, and I find it difficult to draw breath. I lower myself onto the couch sitting directly next to Ryker. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m so sorr
y.” He pauses, and in that moment I know exactly what he’s going to say.
“
You cheated on me,” I say it like a statement, not a question. That’s how sure I am about this. I stand up, my heart picking up speed. Anger courses through my veins. Red hot rage blinds my vision.
“Lola.”
Ryker stands, grabbing my arm. “It wasn’t like that. You said you needed a break and then I didn’t hear from you for a week. I texted you and you didn’t respond. I thought you didn’t want to be with me anymore.”
“So, you found someone else.
That quickly?” I let out a ragged breath. “Did you sleep with her?” The thought literally makes me sick. We haven’t even slept together yet.
“No.
Of course not. It was just a kiss. Nothing more.”
I wriggle out of his grasp.
This is almost worse. I’m sick, remembering our first kiss in the park, and all the red lipstick jokes. I can’t even imagine his lips on someone else’s. I find myself wondering what color lipstick she had on. Shaking my head, I will the thoughts away. “You kissed someone else? I thought you wanted to be with me forever, but you couldn’t even wait one week before moving on?”
“I didn’t move on. I still only want you. Anna was just a mistake.”
I inhale sharply. “Anna? That’s her name?” Something about hearing him say her name rips my heart in half. It makes it all so real. “I can’t believe I actually trusted you. I can’t believe I was willing to give my heart to you.”
“Lola, please. You have to give me another chance.”
Ryker rushes me, framing my face with his hands.
His touch burns my skin. “No. I can’t. I’ll never be able to trust you again.”
His eyes darken. “But I wasn’t even sure that we were together anymore. I mean, you said you needed a break.”
“And you said you would wait for me.”
“So you break it off, and I’m supposed to just sit around and hope you come back? That hardly seems fair.” Ryker’s voice is hard, angry.
“
Yeah, I guess it’s not.” I pry his hands off my face, my lips trembling. “I guess we both screwed up. The problem is that at this moment, I’m not sure we can fix it.” A lone tear escapes down my cheek. “And more importantly, I don’t think I want to anymore.”
“Lola,” he says my name like a prayer.
“No. You want something definitive, Ryker. Here it is. We’re done. It’s over. You can go be with Anna or whoever else you want to be with.” Without letting him respond, I tear out of his apartment, slamming the door behind me. It’s not until I’m safely in the parking lot that I allow the tears to fall. With each step I take, I feel my heart breaking.
22
Lola
Six months later
“Hey, baby.” Nolan nudges me in the arm with his hand.
I hate when he calls me baby. It sounds so degrading. Of course the longer I date Nolan the more I realize that I’m really nothing more than arm candy for him. Not that I don’t have my own ulterior motives when it comes to our relationship as well. I started going out with Nolan during my trip home for Spring Break. At the time I was still heartbroken over losing
Ryker. Nolan seemed safe. He doesn’t make my head spin or stomach roll. I’m not desperate to be with him, and I don’t miss him like crazy when we’re apart. Yet he’s smart and driven; stable. Mostly I don’t worry that he’ll one day break my heart the way Ryker did.
“Can you go get us some drinks?” Nolan asks. Then he promptly returns his attention to the couple sitting in the booth with us.
At first I was happy when Nolan said he was coming to Seattle to visit me this week. Of course at the time I didn’t realize that I wasn’t the sole reason for the trip. Mostly it was a way for him to connect with one of his college friends who now lives here with his wife. I bite back a snide remark – something about me not being his slave – and politely slide out of the booth.
As I make my way to the bar, I think about how I wish I was of
drinking age. I could sure use a drink tonight. This restaurant is one I’ve never been to. It’s too stuffy for my taste. Then again, it’s exactly Nolan’s taste, so I’m not surprised he chose it. Weaving my way through the tables, my head bobs up and my gaze catches on a dark haired guy slumped over the bar with a beer in his hand. Even though he’s not facing me, I know exactly who he is. I can tell by the shape of his shoulders – wide and muscular. I recognize the back of his neck and the little strands of hair that slightly curl at the edges. My fingers buzz with longing, and I almost worry that I’ll walk up to him and run my hands through his hair. What I wouldn’t give to touch him right now. Seeing him causes dangerous emotion to well up inside me.
Sure, I’ve seen
Ryker a few times since we’ve broken up. But it’s always been from a distance, and I’ve always hid before he saw me. He graduated a couple months after we split up and every once in awhile I’d spot him on campus. And one time I attended a gig of
Beckett’s
. I stood in the back of the club, hidden behind a group of fans. I just wanted to watch Star play, but the minute my gaze took in Ryker playing that electric guitar I bolted. There was no way I could stay and watch him without falling madly in love with him again.
Ryker
isn’t safe. He does make my head spin and stomach roll. He makes me feel things no guy ever has before. And that makes him a weakness for me. I lean up to the bar and catch a whiff of his familiar scent. My pulse spikes. I wave down the bartender and order two drinks quietly, hoping Ryker doesn’t hear me. Pierce sits on the other side of him and they are deep in conversation. Nostalgia fills me. I imagine I’m back in their apartment hanging out. It would sure beat the night I’m actually having. Glancing back at Nolan, I see that he is chatting with his friends. I wish I could just grab a barstool and sit next to Ryker. In this moment I would give anything to go back in time, to erase the last six months.
I know I should just get my drinks and go back to my table. I should pretend I never saw
Ryker here, especially now that my mind is going in all these crazy directions. But I can’t. I can’t just leave without at least speaking to him.
“Ryker?” I speak softly from over his shoulder. Resting my elbow on the bar I try to appear more nonchalant than I feel.
He whirls around, his dark eyes piercing into mine. His hair looks exactly the same – styled in that messy boy band look. He wears a tight t-shirt that clings to his muscles, and his leather jacket flaps around him.
“Lola,” he says, surprised.
The bartender slides two drinks in
my direction, and I reach for them.
“You drink now? When did that happen?”
Ryker asks.
“Mine’s club soda
,” I respond, exasperated. Now he’s going to try to control me too? One of the things I always loved about Ryker was that he let me do my own thing. Maybe he’s changed over the past six months. I know that I have.
He
bobs his head in the direction of Nolan. “Is that your boyfriend?”
I nod
, biting my lip. “Yeah, Nolan.”
He
snorts, reminding me of old times. “Nolan? What kind of name is that?”
“
Ryker.” I give him a harsh look, but the truth is I want to laugh. Standing here talking to him about Nolan makes me feel conspiratorial. Like we are in on some inside joke, and it makes my heart ache with longing for what we used to have.
He
leans in close. “Do you love him?”
My heart rate quickens, my palms clamming up. I take a step backward, afraid if I don’t I will be tempted to grab him and never let go.
“That’s none of your business.”
He
darts his arm out and circles his fingers around my wrist. I glance down at his thick fingers, and stiffen under his tender touch. “Tell me that you love him, Lola. Tell me that he makes you happy. Tell me that he loves you like I do.” Our gazes collide. “If you can tell me that then I’ll finally be able to let you go.”
“Let me go?”
His words unnerve me. Is he saying that he hasn’t let me go? Is he saying that there’s still a chance for us?
“Lola, I know we broke up, but I haven’t stopped loving you. And for the past six months I’ve been hanging on to the hope that maybe one day you’ll take me back.”
He releases my arm, and I want to cry out. It felt so good, and I want him to do it again. Nolan’s touch never makes me feel like this. “You deserve to be happy Lola. You deserve to be loved fiercely. If Nolan can give you that then I’ll walk away.”
“What’s going on here?” Nolan’s voice cuts into the moment
, and I freeze.
“Not
hing,” I say quickly. “Absolutely nothing.” I hand him his drink and then pick up my own. My cheeks are warm, and I hope Nolan doesn’t notice it. “Let’s go sit down, Nolan.”
He plucks his drink from my fingers, and then grasps my hand with his free one. I allow him to guide me back to our table wher
e the couple, whose names I’ve already forgotten, are waiting for us.
“Who was that?” Nolan asks as we sit back down.
“Oh. Just a guy I know from school,” I say trying to keep my face and voice neutral. However, I know it’s a losing battle. If Nolan notices how uneasy I am, he doesn’t show it. He just grabs my hand, threading his fingers through mine. I try to stay focused on him, on my boyfriend, on the guy who is right for me and who I have made a commitment to. But pretty soon my gaze lifts and lands on the guy who is staring at me from across the room – the one who holds my heart.
“Whoa. What happened? You look like you just saw a ghost,” Star says the minute I get home. She and Beckett are sitting on her bed, and her disheveled hair and lipgloss trailing up her cheek tells me all I need to know.
“I might as well have.”
“What does that mean?” Star knits her brows together.
“I ran into
Ryker tonight.” I sigh, throwing my purse on the ground. After kicking off my high heeled shoes, I discard them near the wall and then plop down on the edge of my bed.
“When you were out with Nolan?” I hate the way Star says Nolan’s name. She doesn’t like him
, and it’s painfully obvious every time she speaks of him.
I nod.
“Did you talk to him?” Star scoots forward, resting her elbows on her knees. Her eyes are wide as she tries to catch every juicy detail.
“Yeah, I did.”
“Oh, man,” Beckett interjects. “I better call him to see how he’s doing.”
I eye him suspiciously. Since
Ryker and I broke up I haven’t really mentioned him in front of Beckett. “Does he still talk about me?” I ask him now.
Beckett glances at me, a look of hesitation painted on his face.
“Just tell her.” Star reaches for his arm, running her fingers gently over his skin. It’s such an intimate gesture that it causes my heart to squeeze. Everything about them is so natural and loving. It’s how things used to be with Ryker and me, but it’s never been like that with Nolan.
“Yeah.
All the time,” Beckett concedes. “He’s still pretty hung up on you, Lola.”
I nod. “He kind of said that tonight.”
“He did?” Star’s eyes bug out. “And what did you say?”
“Nothing.
Nolan walked up and I left with him.”
Star’s face falls. “Oh.” I know she wishes
Ryker and I would get back together. What she doesn’t know is that I wish that too. If only it were that simple.
Beckett stands. “I should go over to his place. Check on him.”
Star nods at him, understanding evident on her face. Ever since Beckett and Star got together he’s totally changed. He’s softened a lot. If only it had worked out that way with Ryker and me. If only I had softened more. If only I had been more forgiving, more understanding.
I turn away when they kiss. No need to watch the heart wrenching display of love. It will only make this night that much worse. As I stare at my shadow that casts on the wall, I know what I have to do. I just wonder if I’m strong enough to do it.