It took a good ten minutes before I willed my limbs to take command. I walked slowly towards the love of my life. Every step felt like walking against a current. I hadn't seen Louis with a three-day-old beard since our honeymoon at Turks and Caicos ten years ago. Back then it was sexy and a declaration of our carnal need and love for one another. Louis had refused to shave until he accidentally chafed my inner thighs during one of his steamy sexual onslaughts. I didn't complain. But seeing that stubble on his beautiful face now was tauntingly painful. It was a sign of his powerlessness.
I reached his bed. The sea of doctors parted for me. One of the white coats was talking to me from somewhere in the room. I couldn't hear a single word he said. I was gone. I could not be part of this world without this man sharing the same air as me. I don't remember taking his hand in mine. But when I looked at our joined hands at that moment, I knew he would always be my whole life. If he chose to leave me either by adultery or death, I would never be whole again.
My useless legs refused to hold me. I sank to my knees beside him, still holding on to his limp hand. I was sobbing for myself and for my children who needed this amazing man to wake up and continue being their father. I silently prayed to my grandparents up in heaven for help. Louis was wearing my grappa's wedding band. Maybe he could bring Louis back to me. I would never leave him again. I would move heaven and earth to keep my family together.
The doctors must've left. I opened my eyes sometime later to find the room quiet and empty. All I could hear was the sound of my ragged, erratic breathing. I stood up, never letting go of Louis' hand. I brought my other hand to touch his beautiful face. I kissed his closed eyelids. I took the first full breath since I got home. I inhaled his scent into me. This was home. Louis would always be my home.
I removed my flats and climbed in next to him, arranging myself to mold to his still body. I needed to be close to him, I needed to hear his heartbeat. I was still holding on to his left hand. I was careful not to move or touch any tubes. I noticed he didn't have on the necklace I'd given him for his thirtieth birthday. He hadn't removed it in the last ten years. They must've taken it off him when he had the heart attack. I kissed his bare neck, my tears running down and soaking his hospital gown. I whispered to him,
"You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read since I first came here."
My breathing had calmed, but my tears wouldn't stop. I continued quoting to the love of my life from his favorite book.
"You know I love you, you know that I have loved you long and dearly."
I imagined us dancing at our kids' weddings. I imagined us growing old together. This couldn't be the end of our story. I brought his familiar hand to my mouth and kissed every inch of it. I put my face in his hand and said one of his favorite lines from the book,
"To the last hour of my life, you can not choose but remain part of my character."
I
refused to sleep all night, afraid of missing him waking up. I sang to him every love song that I could think of. The last thing I remember right before I lost the battle with my tired eyes, was singing to Louis the song that always plays in my head whenever I think of us:
The Rose
by Bette Midler.
Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower, and you its only seed.
"Louis, please wake up…"
It's the heart, afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking, that never takes a chance
It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dyin', that never learns to live.
"Please baby, come back to me…"
When the night has been too lonely, and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love, in the spring becomes The Rose.
"Please, you promised you'd never leave me."
Don't leave me this way…
M
iss! Excuse me, miss!"
I started to slightly open my eyes, trying to figure out my surroundings. So much had happened in the last twenty-four hours that I couldn't even figure out where I was. I looked toward the voice still calling at me.
Oh no.
It was that same nurse from the night before; Nancy, I think her name was, the one that was trying to kick me out of Louis' room last night. Why was she always annoyed with me?
"Miss, why are you still here? You should've vacated this room hours ago. The staff needs to sanitize and clean everything before they bring in the next patient."
"Okay, sure," I answered her, still groggy and disoriented as I started lifting my head off the pillow.
Next patient?
Did she just say next patient? Where is Louis?
I looked down at the bed under me to see nothing but white rumpled hospital sheets. Where did Louis go? Cold sweat started covering my body and dread and fear were choking at my heart. Surely everything was fine. They must've taken him for some tests.
"Where is my husband? I fell asleep next to him last night. Where did they take him?" I managed to blurt out in a shaky almost inaudible voice.
"Let me get one of the doctors. I was sure you knew what happened last night," she said as she stormed out of the room.
I looked at the door nurse Nancy had just slammed shut. I then looked all around and felt like I was having an out of body experience. My head was heavy and I couldn't make the room stop moving. Why couldn't I remember them taking Louis from under me during the night? The last thing I recalled was crying and singing to him, begging him to wake up. I got off the squeaky bed and walked outside the room to find someone who could give me some much needed answers. The corridor that only hours ago was full of our friends and family was now completely empty; no Jenna, no Mike, no Eddie … nobody!
What happened while I was sleeping?
I started walking towards the nurses' station. It was disconcertingly quiet. The only sound was coming from my shoes clunking on the floor and sending an echo down the hallway. Suddenly, as though out of thin air, I saw one of Louis' doctors coming at me.
"Hi Emily, I mean Ms. Marcus. Sorry, I meant to say Mrs. Bruel. I always think of you as Adele Marcus' daughter."
"Doctor Monroe, please, can you tell me where my husband is? When was he taken? I woke up and he was gone."
He gave a sigh and looked anywhere but at me. Why wasn't anybody telling me where Louis was? How could I have slept through him being removed from under me? Nothing was making sense today.
"You do remember what happened during the night, right?"
I shook my head from side to side, no, no. "What happened?"
Doctor Monroe gave another sigh before continuing. "Mr. Bruel had a heart attack."
"I know he had a heart attack, that's why he's here. But where is he now?"
The young doctor shook his head before lowering it. In a defensive stance he wrapped his arms around himself and finally looked me in the eyes. When I saw his eyes, I knew. In a split second moment, like the one right before a train hits you, I knew my life was about to end at his next words.
"Mr. Bruel suffered another heart attack during the night. We tried, but we couldn't save him this time. Emily, I'm sorry, he passed away at 7:21am…"
7:21 … 7:21 … 7:21...
I looked up to see Louis standing in front of me with his signature smile. The smile that always stopped the world and my heart. The smile that I knew was meant just for me. He looked like he did at that party eleven years ago.
"It would appear that we share a birth date my lovely Emily. You see; you were made for me. You're my
Bashert
as my dad would've said."
"Louis did you leave me?"
"Little girl, I had to go."
"Please, no…"
"Don't cry baby."
"So, I lost you anyway?"
"You never lost me, Em. I was yours from that first day I laid eyes on you. You own every cell in my body. You are the only woman I have ever loved. Don't you know that? I lived for you, and to the last hour of my life you can not choose but remain part of my—"
Beep…
Beep…
Beep…
Beep…
I jumped up in my sleep as if free falling. I snapped my eyes open and it was still dark. I was disoriented, gasping for air and crying uncontrollably. Machines all around me were buzzing and beeping. The screens were the only things illuminating the blackness. I wiped my tears and rubbed my eyes open to adjust to the darkness. I felt a hard unrelenting body under me. I could see Louis under me, motionless, but very much alive.
Oh, thank you, God … thank God.
He hadn't moved since I fell asleep singing to him earlier. His chest was rising and falling. The heart monitors displayed his heartbeat. I put my head on his chest, listening to his body. I took a big bulk of air in, still trying to catch my breath and stop shaking from the horrible nightmare I'd just come back from. Thank God, it was only a bad, horrendous dream. I wrapped every inch of myself around my husband. I wanted to be connected to him in any humanly way possible. I was NOT going to let myself go back to sleep. I was not going to let anything happen to him ever again. This man was my whole world. I needed to listen and watch his heart beat until the sun came up.
"Louis, wherever you are, you need to come home … NOW!"
Stop rewinding and press play...
Louis
I
open my heavy eyes. I try to move but I feel cramped. I'm in so much pain.
Fuck,
everything hurts. I can't even take a deep breath. I look down to see the most beautiful girl in the world tucked under my arm. She is wrapped around me like a present. Please, don't let this be an apparition. If I wake up and Emily is not with me, I'll know I'm dead. I move my hand a little, glad to be in slight control of my limbs. I bring my other hand over to try and touch my wife.
"Eeemmm" I say with a soft choked up voice.
Why can't I talk, for fuck's sake? She doesn't move. I am too weak to try and speak again. I can feel her warm body pressed against me. She is here. She came back to me. I have to tell her that I love her. She needs to know what she saw is not what she thought. I only want my wife. I've only ever wanted her. Since I first looked into those eyes, I haven't wanted or needed anyone else. She needs to know our love will never be over.
If I am given the chance to live, I will never have secrets from her again.
Emily
I opened my eyes hoping against reason that I was home with Louis in our bed. I was hoping it was all a bad horrid hallucination. But hearing the beeping machines and looking all around me, I knew my nightmare hadn't ended. I was still in hell.
I disentangled myself from Louis and stood up. I kissed his head and was about to go call his doctors when he opened his eyes. Seeing his eyes looking back at me almost made me faint. My heart jumped out of my chest and I followed it right to the owner of my heart, body, and soul. I smiled and kissed his eyes.
"Louis baby, you're up. Should I go get someone?"
He shook his head slightly. He lifted his hand trying to touch my cheek. I leaned down to let him touch my face. I removed his oxygen mask to kiss his lips.
"Em … Are … You … Real?" he asked.
My heart broke into a million pieces.
"Yes, Louis, I'm real and I'm here. I will never leave you again. I'm sorry I wasn't with you when this happened." I cried and kissed his warm beautiful lips.
"I … am … sorry, too … I neeeeed—"
I was kissing and touching every part of his face.
"I know everything. It's okay; once we're out of here we'll figure everything out. Right now I need you to get better so we can go home." I couldn't stop touching him. I needed to make sure I wasn't hallucinating this. He was awake, talking to me.
"Em, I neeeed to say this …
Heaven
by Warrant."
Oh. My. God. Louis Bruel speaks my language! I needed to give him something back.
"
After All
by Peter Cetera and Cher … once we get out of here you can look up the lyrics."
He was kissing me back softly when two doctors and a nurse walked in. I was ecstatic I was here when the love of my life woke up. I kissed him and tried to move over to let the doctors check on him. He wouldn't let go of my hand and pulled me back down to him. Now that was more like the Louis Bruel I met at that party eleven years ago. I looked at him and was rewarded with a dimple-bearing smile. My heart most definitely skipped a beat.
"I … Love … You … Emily Bruel, only you. Did I miss our birthdays?"
"No Louis, you're just in time. Happy Birthday, my love…"
I
'm fighting with myself. To call or not to call, that is the question. It's been two weeks since Louis came back home after being discharged from the hospital. He is up and about. We even made love for the first time last night. I was extremely worried about his heart I couldn't even beg him to be his usual rough self with me. It was still amazing to finally have that contact back between us.
The last two weeks we spent endlessly talking, which was exactly what we needed after drifting apart for many months. He told me everything, including how close we came to losing our homes. I assured him that the only thing I wouldn't be able to deal with was losing him. I love our homes but they're replaceable. I wouldn't ever be able to replace him or us. He promised never to keep anything from me again and I promised never to assume things. Our new motto is
"If you see something, say something."