Lily’s War (36 page)

‘You’re hurt!’ She went to touch his cheek but he flicked her hand away and pushed her out of the door.

‘You don’t have to pretend to care, Lily.’

‘But I do care! What’s he told you?’

‘It’s not so much what he told me as what you didn’t tell me!’ A slap on her back sent her flying up the yard.

‘Matt, I didn’t do anything wrong,’ she gasped.

‘I can forgive what you might have done wrong,’ he said, undoing her coat and dragging it off, ‘what I hate is him telling me what you should have told me! What you hid from me! Why, I ask myself, if there was nothing in it didn’t you tell me? I slept apart from you for months, believing it might be possible I’d gone against all I believed in and sinned. I wanted your forgiveness and all the time you withheld it and kept silent about having been with him!’ He almost choked on the words, and seizing her by the wrist flung her through the open doorway along with her coat.

Her hand banged against the easy chair as she landed on the floor. She could not believe this was happening. ‘Matt, I didn’t do anything wrong with Rob!’ she repeated desperately. ‘I’m sorry I doubted you. Sorry I didn’t tell you.’ She attempted to get up.

‘So am I,’ he said, pushing her down. ‘My wife whom I kept away from for night after night, week after week, month after month, when all the time I needed her. When the bombs were falling and my life was in danger, when I was exhausted and grieving and wanted comforting, you gave me nothing!’ His voice dropped to a whisper. ‘Perhaps it was because you were making love to him?’

‘Matt, you can’t believe that!’ she cried, striving to sit up. ‘I didn’t tell you at first because I didn’t want to mention Abby and spoil things between us!’

But he didn’t seem to be listening. He forced her down, straddling her and holding both her wrists with one hand. ‘Perhaps the baby wasn’t even mine?’

That stung and she began to feel really angry. ‘What a thing to say! As if I would betray you in such a way—’

‘You believed I could!’ His voice shook with fury. ‘You took his word over mine!’

‘I was feeling neglected and then I lost our child! I wasn’t thinking straight,’ yelled Lily, attempting to prise his fingers from a wrist.

He shook her violently. ‘You took his word over mine,’ he repeated. ‘Do you know how much that hurts?’ He choked on the words and released her abruptly so that her head hit the floor.

She was barely aware of the pain. ‘Matt, I’m sorry!’

‘Sorry isn’t always enough.’

‘But you preach repentance and forgiveness,’ she whispered, feeling sick inside.

A grim smile darkened his eyes. ‘Perhaps I’ve been preaching the wrong thing all these years?’ He hesitated. ‘I need some fresh air before I do something to you I might regret.’ Without another word he left the room. A couple of minutes later the outside door slammed.

Lily forced herself to her feet, thinking to follow him but her legs felt wobbly and her head ached. She sat down again. Her brain felt numb and she was cold and shivery. Her coat was on the floor where he had thrown it and she picked it up and covered herself. He’ll come back, she thought.

She must have dozed. Rising fuzzy-headed she went to the bathroom, then she made tea. She wondered if Matt had returned but did not go and look for him. There was a lump on her head and her wrists hurt where he had gripped them. He called himself a man of God and yet he had flung her on to the floor and wouldn’t accept her apology! She felt angry and had an overwhelming desire to burst into tears but instead she made herself a hot water bottle and crawled inside the Morrison shelter with another cup of tea.

Two weeks passed and Lily was furious with Matt, with all men in fact. He had not returned but the vicar, David, had called and she had lied to him, saying Matt’s aunt was seriously ill and he had rushed off to take care of her as he was her only relative. It had been a stupid thing to say but she felt unable to speak to anyone about their quarrel.

A month went by but still no word from Matt and by then Lily was starting to suspect she might be pregnant. Her feelings were in turmoil but her overriding emotion was a strange sense of bereavement and anger. How dare he leave her without letting her know where he was going, causing her to lie to David and her family!

Why had she lied? Why couldn’t she tell the truth? she thought fiercely. Suddenly she realised with an awesome sense of shock it was because, if she was honest, she was responsible for his leaving. She should never have used sex as a punishment. Never withheld that special bond of comfort from him. And he had been right in saying she should have trusted his word above Rob’s and that she should have told him about Rob’s part in her search for him in Australia. Dear God, she’d made a mess of things. If only they had talked more. If only he would get in touch. Her head ached and she could not keep still. She told herself she had to control her feelings or her blood pressure would rise and that wasn’t good for the baby. She pressed a hand to her belly. At least she still had part of Matt with her.

The next month brought an envelope written in Matt’s handwriting. Lily’s stomach turned over at the sight of it and for a moment she hesitated before tearing it open. Inside was a single sheet of paper with the word ‘Sorry’ written on it. The envelope was postmarked Liverpool, NSW.

She was stunned, barely able to take in that single word of apology, the lack of an address or that he could be in Australia. She felt a sense of helplessness. The physical rift between them was now so wide it seemed it could never be bridged.

Lily put the lid on the freshly scalded pail as the shop door bell jangled and hurried through the kitchen into the lobby. Even after that unsatisfactory letter from Matt she still hoped that one day he would come through the doorway and they could clear the air and sort things out. She stopped abruptly, shielding her eyes from the unexpectedly bright December sun, and knew a familiar disappointment.

‘Hello, Lil!’

For a second she did not recognise the woman in the navy blue uniform, who smiled, clicked her black heels together and saluted, hand over her right eye. ‘Leading WRN Turner at your service, ma’am, and hopefully here to stay.’

Lily’s disappointment vanished and she felt a flood of what she could only describe as joy. ‘Daisy!’ She threw her arms around her sister. ‘You never said when you were coming. Last I heard you were still at that college in Headingley.’

‘Wesley College. Very holy, Lil! Used by the Methodists before the navy took it over.’

‘Let me look at you.’ Lily held her at arm’s length.

‘Let me look at you,’ echoed Daisy, her eyes narrowing. ‘You look better than I thought. I hope you’re taking care of yourself, seeing as Matt’s not around to do it? Where is he, by the way? If you think the family’s swallowed all that about his going to take care of his Aunt Jane, then you’re daft.’

‘Shush,’ murmured Lily, taking in her sister’s appearance from the navy blue hat with its HMS badge in gold, the V-shaped chevrons on one sleeve and the paler blue-ringed S on the other, to the smart skirt and the black stockings. She debated whether she could tell the truth to this unexpectedly mature-looking Daisy. ‘What do the fancy things on the sleeves mean?’

‘The S means I’m a trained supply assistant,’ said Daisy proudly. ‘I’ve been drafted to the naval hospital at Seaforth. I’ll be sleeping in so you don’t have to worry about finding me a bed.’

Lily said wryly, ‘I’ve got a couple of lodgers so it would be a problem.’

‘Poor you!’

‘They’re out all day and most evenings, so they’re not much trouble.’ She linked an arm through her sister’s. ‘Come on in and have a cuppa. You can’t imagine how lovely it is to have you here after all this time, and looking so well.’

Daisy sighed and her head dropped on Lily’s shoulder. ‘It hasn’t been easy getting over Ted’s death but there’s so many others in the same boat. You just have to get on with it. And at least we all have a common aim – to blast the bloody U-boats out of the water! That’s why I’m so glad to be back here at the centre of things. The battle of the Atlantic is the big one we have to win, Lil.’

She nodded and motioned Daisy to a chair. ‘I agree! The newspapers might talk about the victory of El Alamein and the tide of war having turned but, oh God, all the suffering so far. Still, at least Ben’s out of it now.’

‘What’s happened to him?’ cried Daisy, starting up.

‘Calm down,’ said Lily in a soothing voice. ‘He’s in hospital in Cambridgeshire. He’s got a nasty deep gash through muscle and into the bone of his thigh and will probably be left with a limp.’ She paused. ‘Vera tells me too that he’s hurt in another very delicate place.’ They stared at each other and giggled.

‘We’re awful!’ said Daisy. ‘Poor Ben!’

‘I don’t know why it makes us snigger. I hope he won’t be left with any permanent damage. Vera’s desperate to have a baby.’

‘Looking at you won’t help her.’

‘No,’ said Lily quietly, seating herself opposite.

Daisy promptly got up and placed a low stool close to her sister’s chair and lifted her feet on to it. ‘You rest. I’ll make the tea while you tell me where Matt is. Unless he’s on a secret mission?’

‘A secret mission!’ A tiny laugh escaped Lily. ‘Why didn’t I think of telling people that? He’s left me.’

The lid of the kettle fell with a dull thunk onto the rag rug. ‘You’re joking!’

‘Oh, it’s very funny.’ There was a catch in her voice as she was overwhelmed by an unexpected storm of emotion. Linking her hands across her swollen stomach, she forced back tears.

‘But he’s—’ Daisy stopped, her expression unhappy.

‘Yes, I know what he is,’ said Lily, gaining control of herself.

‘But you loved each other so much.’

‘We were in love. We didn’t know what real loving meant.’

Daisy picked up the lid and did not look at her sister as she said, ‘I suppose it has something to do with that Aussie, Rob?’

Lily’s head shot up. ‘Who wrote to you?’

‘May.’ Daisy perched on the edge of the stool. ‘She was really worried … said this Rob tried to cause trouble between you and Matt last Christmas.’

‘It’s true.’ Lily clenched her fists. ‘I could hit him when I think of it now! I should have realised but I was stupid. You think if you ignore people and unpleasantness long enough they’ll go away, but Rob was, is, one of those fellas who goes on pushing, pushing, determined to make things go his way even if people get hurt in the process.’

‘Can you tell me about it?’

She stared at Daisy and said hesitantly, ‘It won’t be what you think.’

Daisy’s mouth twisted. ‘Tell me something that is.’

Still Lily hesitated. ‘This is difficult,’ she said with a slight laugh.

‘Don’t tell me then.’ Daisy shrugged. ‘Stew in your own misery.’

Lily’s eyes flashed. ‘Is that what May said? That I’m a misery?’

‘Something like that.’

‘Well, if I am it’s because I’ve got something to be miserable about! If you knew the half of—’

‘But I don’t,’ interrupted Daisy, leaning towards her.

‘Oh, damn!’ Lily eyed her sister ruefully and slowly began to tell her everything.

The instant she finished, Daisy said thoughtfully, ‘It never fails to amaze me the things that go on beneath the surface in people. Matt must really love you to have reacted in such a way.’

‘This time it’s you who must be joking!’ Lily closed her eyes and rubbed the area between her eyebrows which was aching dreadfully. ‘He probably hates me. He must have to have left.’

‘Hate’s akin to love and we often hurt the ones we love,’ murmured Daisy. ‘Probably because we have this rosy picture of our true love being perfect. We never think they’ll make a wrong move. Even more so if they’re supposed to be one of the goodies. But when you think of it, Lil, you were always going on about wanting a man who was strong, and when Matt gets tough—’

‘I didn’t mean strong like that!’

‘What about this Rob being overbearing? You sounded like you accepted it in him.’

Lily frowned. ‘It made me mad but he was that kind of bloke.’

‘And Matt isn’t, of course,’ she said triumphantly. ‘He acted out of character – with just cause, I’d say.

‘I don’t know why you’re taking Matt’s side,’ said Lily crossly, putting her feet on the floor and sitting up straight. ‘You always wanted him out of my life before. But you’re right in one thing – I didn’t expect Matt to act in such a way. He completely ignored what I had to say. I know I was at fault too, but even so I didn’t expect him not to listen to me. I’m not used to that.’

‘Too right you’re not,’ murmured Daisy. ‘You’ve ruled the roost in this house for years, our Lil. When you married Matt what you still expected, though perhaps didn’t realise it, was a man who would do what you wanted when you wanted but not when you didn’t.’

‘Say that again!’

‘You want to have your cake and eat it, and you can’t do that. There has to be give and take.’

Lily laughed sharply. ‘How is it you’re suddenly an expert on marriage? You were hardly married five minutes.’

There was a silence and Lily realised what she had said and felt terrible. She put out a hand. ‘Sorry, Dais. I spoke without thinking.’

Daisy shrugged. ‘Don’t we all? As it happens I know so much because I listen to people talking – and I’ve had to learn to give and take living with strangers if we’re not all to scratch each other’s eyes out.’

Lily squeezed her hand. ‘I know you’re trying to help….’

‘But you’d rather I mind my own business?’

She smiled. ‘It’s helped, talking. Neither Matt nor I come out of this looking good. If we’d trusted and been honest with each other—’

‘You’re forgetting Rob’s fibs and Joy messing about with your letters,’ interrupted Daisy. ‘It wasn’t all down to the pair of you. What did Matt do about her? Is she still living in his house in Sydney?’

‘She decided to leave and live in naval quarters. As far as I know he’s let the house to someone else, leaving deciding what to do with it until the war’s over.’

Daisy said thoughtfully, ‘You could write to him there. A letter might get to him.’