Lily’s War (35 page)

Before she could think any more Josie knocked on the door, saying she was desperate to wee. Lily ripped the note into tiny pieces and flushed it down the lavatory, washed her hands and came out smiling. ‘It’s all yours, sugar plum.’

‘Fanks!’ Josie darted inside the bathroom, not bothering in her haste to close the door behind her, and would have hit the lavatory bowl with her head as her knickers fell down her ankles if Lily had not grabbed her in time.

She sat her on the lavatory, smiling at her. Longing for the child she had lost swept over her. He was gone from her but she could have another. She walked slowly downstairs, having decided it was time for action.

‘I’ve wanted to be alone with you all day.’ Lily’s voice was low and seductive as she sat naked on Matt’s bed, shivering slightly in the cold room.

‘Are you sure about this?’ The fire in his gaze sent a thrill through her. ‘We can wait a bit longer if you’ve any doubts.’ He sat beside her, still fully dressed, but she could almost feel the heat of his desire as his gaze washed slowly over her, lingering on her mouth, breasts, stomach and thighs.

‘Don’t be so nice to me, Matt. I don’t deserve it,’ she said unsteadily, adding inwardly, and don’t ask me to be absolutely honest. I still have a tiny lingering doubt about you and Abby because we’re all human, but I’ve had enough of this so close but far apart life and I don’t know if Rob is telling the truth or not.

He touched her bare shoulder and his fingers were trembling. ‘Are you sure?’ he repeated.

‘Absolutely,’ she whispered, placing her arms about his neck and moving against him. ‘I was hurt but now I’m healed.’

‘God be praised,’ he breathed, and kissed her with a passion that sent vibrations to the soles of her feet. He forced her flat on her back and took her with a swiftness that took her breath away before beginning all over, but this time he did it much more slowly and it seemed to her that all the months without had been worth it to experience the pleasure that followed.

‘Again soon,’ said Lily, drowsy with lovemaking. ‘I can’t understand myself now for cutting my nose off to spite my face.’

‘I hope it proved something,’ murmured Matt, raising her arm to his lips and licking along its length before biting a finger gently. ‘I love you, Lily, not just your body. You do believe me when I say I couldn’t have slept with that girl? It’s against all I believe in.’ He gazed into her eyes with an intensity that made her feel she should be utterly honest but she couldn’t be because it would hurt him.

‘Yes. I believe you.’ She turned, snuggling into him and feeling at peace. They could never know for sure the truth about Abby but she believed he believed what he said. They were back in each other’s arms and that was enough for now.

It was as if spring had entered Lily’s heart. As she passed fog-shrouded bomb sites she thought, if only I could conceive again, the war end, Ben come home, and I knew for sure Rob was not going to turn up again, I could be perfectly happy. They had seen no sight of Rob and she really hoped he had gone for good. Perhaps everything was going to go her way now.

Then unexpectedly William had a heart attack which proved fatal, saddening them all. He had always been there to turn to and would leave a big gap in their lives. The farm, not quite as he promised, was left to Ben and Ronnie, with the added proviso that Dora should live there for as long as she wanted.

It brought change to all their lives. Ronnie decided to move to the farm and work there full-time. He asked Dermot if he would like to take over his carting job and work from the farm. The Irishman accepted with alacrity and Ronnie, at Lily’s instigation, wrote to Ben telling him of all he had done.

There was a letter from Daisy who had moved to Yorkshire to a training college. She hoped to be drafted to Liverpool in the not too distant future. Again Lily spoke to Matt about the possibility of her living with them. ‘You won’t mind, will you? Things have changed between us.’

He pulled her on to his knee, wrapping his arms round her and nuzzling her throat. ‘I don’t mind. Although do you realise, with Dermot gone, this is the first time we’ve had the house to ourselves? Just over five years we’ve known each other, Lily, and out of that we spend nearly three of them apart. I wish things had been different. I wish I could have shown you Australia. I wish …’

Lily closed his mouth with hers, not wanting to be reminded of how she had spent her time in Australia. The memory of Rob was like a spectre, haunting her happiness, but Australia was very much on Matt’s mind. They listened to the wireless with anxious hearts and read the newspapers. Matt wrote to friends far and wide. News came of heavy Allied naval losses in the Java Sea and the fall of Singapore sent shock waves through the whole country. Then came the bombing of Darwin on Australia’s north coast. She began to sense a restlessness in Matt but did not worry overmuch. She considered it was natural he would feel some concern for the country he had grown up in. She was more worried about Ben.

In June news came of fighting in Africa and the fall of Tobruk. A white-faced Vera called at the dairy in a distraught state. ‘I don’t know what to do! I can’t think straight. What if Ben gets killed in the fighting to come?’ She wrung her hands.

Lily felt helpless. What could she say to comfort? She could only think, don’t let Ben be killed, Lord!

Vera turned to Matt. ‘Do you really think prayer works, Matt? What about all those who have died? Someone must have been praying for them!’

He took her hand and held it tightly. ‘We’re in a battle on two fronts, the physical and the spiritual. We’re fighting against real evil. You can’t touch that but it’s there. To win often involves personal sacrifice and suffering. Giving in to despair won’t solve anything. You have to carry on praying and doing what you can practically.’

Vera freed a breath and nodded. ‘I won’t say thanks for that, Matt, but you’ve made me look at things differently.’ A smile trembled on her lips and leaning forward she kissed him on the cheek. ‘You must be worried about your own country. I’d never thought before of Japan being a threat to Australia. Do you think Andy and Rob will be going out …’ She stopped abruptly and glanced at Lily.

She felt she had to say something. ‘They’re in the RAF not the Australian Air Force. I shouldn’t think they’d go to the Far East. Am I right, Matt?’ She did not look at him.

‘I should think they’d stay here.’ He hesitated. ‘I didn’t realise you were on first name terms with Rob, Vera?’

‘Not him so much as Andy.’ She pleated a fold of her skirt. ‘But you don’t have to worry about me. Lil put me straight and I haven’t seen him in weeks.’ She stood. ‘I’d best be going.’ Before they could comment further she hurried out of the dairy.

There was a silence after Vera left. Her words had left a distinct impression that Andy had been on the scene not so long ago. Perhaps Rob was still around?

‘How did you put Vera straight?’ asked Matt, his eyes on Lily’s face.

She chose her words carefully. ‘Andy asked her out. She was feeling low and asked me whether I thought it would be all right if she accepted. I said I thought it would be a mistake even if she sees him just as a friend.’

‘Do you really believe she sees him just as a friend?’ he asked sardonically.

She flushed but was saved from answering by the jangle of the shop doorbell. She responded swiftly, knowing that a crack had appeared in the fragile structure of her newfound happiness. Something else was going to go wrong, she thought. Uncle William was dead. Ben was in danger. These things always went in threes.

Lily managed to shrug off her sense of impending gloom when May called and suggested they went to the pictures. Matt was visiting a newly bereaved family and then going on to a meeting so she knew he could be out for some time. She scribbled him a note and left it propped up against the clock on the mantelshelf.

They were out of the pictures in time for May to catch the tram back to the farm. She was turning into a proper land girl, much to Lily’s amused amazement. It was hard to relate the May of today with the girl who had hated farmyard smells and getting her hands dirty.

Lily was almost home when a uniformed figure detached itself from the corner shop doorway and, seizing hold of her arm, pulled her into its darkness. With almost a sense of fatalism, she thought, how strangely right our instincts can be.

‘Hello, Lil,’ drawled Rob, seeming to tower over her. ‘I take it Matt never got my note?’

‘I tore it up,’ she said, determined not to be cowered.

His mouth tightened. ‘I should have known better than to have trusted a woman.’

‘Shouldn’t you just?’ she said lightly. ‘What is it you want, Rob?’

‘You. I was hoping Matt might throw you out.’

Lily’s laugh had an edge to it. ‘Twisted thinking! You’re forgetting the dairy belongs to me. Anyway, why should he throw me out? I haven’t done anything wrong.’

‘Then why rip up the note?’

‘Because I thought it despicable! Trying to get at Matt by blackening my name.’

‘I didn’t say much.’

‘You insinuated!’ Her eyes blazed up at him. ‘It was a lousy thing to do.’

‘All’s fair in love and war.’ He grinned. ‘I posted another and I saw him go in not five minutes ago. He’ll have read it by now.’

Lily did not speak but pulled away from him and raced up the street.

She had just opened the door when Rob came up behind her and pushed her inside. He slammed the door and she held her breath, waiting for Matt to call out, but there was no sound. He’s left me, she thought, her stomach lurching as she hurried along the darkened lobby into the kitchen. That, too, was in darkness but for the glow of the embers in the fireplace. She pressed down the switch and flooded the room with light.

‘Tricked you,’ said Rob, smiling as he leaned against the door jamb. ‘I haven’t seen sight nor sound of him but I’m aiming to. I’ve been waiting a long time to face him with what he did.’

‘I used to like you,’ said Lily breathlessly. ‘But thinking about things, I’ve realised I only have your word for it that your sister said any of those things you’ve told me.’

A dull red ran along his cheekbones and he straightened and took a stride towards her. ‘So you have. But she’d lie to protect him.’

Lily experienced a tremendous sense of release. ‘There was no baby, was there?’

‘You were ready to believe it, though!’ He seized her by the shoulders and shook her. ‘Why was that? Because deep down you wanted to because you love me!’

‘You’re deceiving yourself,’ she said fiercely, struggling in his grasp. ‘It was because I was feeling tired and ugly when I was having the baby and you said nice things. I was frightened! I was jealous! When I lost the baby I hurt so much I wanted to blame someone for my suffering and I blamed Matt instead of you. I hurt him a lot because when you love someone you know exactly how to hurt them.’

He looked disbelieving. ‘You can’t love him! He could still have slept with her. They stayed in the same hotel.’

‘So did we but nothing happened.’

He stared at her. ‘That doesn’t matter. You can’t love him, Lil. I wanted you, almost from the first moment I saw you. You have to love me. I’m more handsome, I’m richer—’

‘You’ve got an overwhelming conceit, Rob Fraser!’ She laughed scornfully. ‘Go on, tell me more about your assets. You’re strong. You’re tough. You’re God’s gift to women.’

He smiled at her. ‘You’ve got it all figured right, Lil. You mightn’t love me but you still fancy me, admit it?’

She felt like hitting him and was about to tell him a few home truths when she heard a key turn in the lock. ‘Let me go,’ she whispered.

‘You’re joking!’ He forced her against him as Matt entered.

‘It’s not what you think,’ she said swiftly.

Rob said, ‘It’s exactly what you think.’

‘Shut up, Rob,’ she snapped, her eyes on her husband’s face. ‘He’s out to cause trouble, Matt.’

‘Too damn’ right I am.’ Rob smiled. ‘Ask her about us having sex on Bondi Beach.’

‘We did nothing of the sort when we were there,’ she said hotly. Almost instantly she realised by Matt’s change of expression that she had fallen into the trap which Rob had set.

Matt’s hand tightened on his Bible. ‘You were on Bondi Beach together?’ His voice lacked emotion.

‘Sure we were, while you were converting the natives,’ drawled Rob. ‘And Cairns and Adelaide! You name it, we went there.’

‘I was looking for you! He followed me,’ said Lily, controlling a desire to shout.

Matt’s eyes met hers briefly but she could not tell if he believed her or not. His gaze moved to Rob. ‘Release my wife.’

Rob smiled. ‘You going to make me?’

‘If I have to.’

‘Surely not part of your calling, preacher?’

‘There’s such a thing as righteous anger,’ said Matt softly, placing the Bible on the table. ‘You told my wife I’m an adulterer. We have matters to discuss. I want her out of this so let her go.’

Rob released Lily and she moved swiftly to Matt’s side. ‘It’s not true about you and Abby. He as good as told me he’d lied.’

Matt did not look at her but took off his coat and flung it on a chair. His clerical collar followed. ‘Leave the room, Lily. This is between Rob and me.’

She moved, then stopped and turned. ‘But it concerns me too. Why should I go?’

Suddenly Matt’s eyes blazed. ‘For once, Lily, do as I damn’ well ask you! Sometimes I am in the right, you know!’

‘Go, Lil,’ said Rob, his eyes bright as he rubbed the palms of his hands down the side of his trousers. ‘How can I bash his head in with you looking on? You’ve got too much of a soft heart.’

She stared at them both. It seemed incredible that two men, so different, should fight over her. Would the victor come to claim her for his own? Oh God! What was she thinking? This was no Hollywood swashbuckler, nor were they kids playing games. This was for real, but she could tell there was no reasoning with either of them while they were in this mood. ‘I’ll check the cows,’ she muttered. ‘let me know when it’s all over.’

It seemed hours before Matt opened the door of the shippon but it was only just over an hour and instantly Lily knew that it was definitely no game to him. There was an angry red mark on a cheekbone and his eyes were as hard as pebbles. ‘Out!’ he ordered.