Lily’s War (31 page)

‘I feel terrible,’ she whispered. ‘You’d better drive.’

‘Do you want to lie down?’

She nodded, heard him open the door, felt him lift and carry her, lay her down on the back seat and cover her with his jacket, and then she drifted into a strange world of increasing discomfort and pain in her belly which crept and retreated like waves lapping on a shore. Then it was as if the wind had risen and was smashing the waves on to the sand.

When the car stopped she felt herself being lifted, carried and placed in her bed. The pain now seemed an intrinsic part of the icy desolation which gripped her. She felt terribly alone, although she knew there were people about because there were voices.

‘It’s coming too soon,’ said a voice she vaguely recognised. It had been there when Daisy had been burnt, soothing and sensible.

‘Will my wife be all right?’ The tone was urgent and pain-filled.

Matt! she cried inwardly. How could you hurt me like this? The tears welled in the inner corners of her eyes and trickled down her nose. The voices faded into the background as someone gently wiped her face. The pain steamrolled over her body again and she gritted her teeth.

‘Don’t fight it, dear.’ It was a woman’s voice. ‘Go with it.’

Lily felt like laughing. Go with it! Where else can I go? Oh God, why are you doing this to me? My baby, my baby! She moaned and tried to turn over to escape the pain but there was no escape from its demands.

‘Push now, breathe, push! Doctor, you’d better come!’ called the woman’s voice.

‘Nearly there.’ His voice was kind and encouraging.

She knew he was right and pushed with all her strength. Then she waited for the baby to cry but it never did.

Lily woke from a doze and for a moment she thought all was well and then she remembered and was desolate. She stared at a blue bottle buzzing ineffectively against the window and thought, my baby would have been due this week. Instead it’s a whole month since he died. Will I never stop hurting?

There were footsteps on the stairs and hurriedly she reached for the magazine May had brought and found herself reading about whether an unmarried girl should give herself to her soldier sweetheart when on leave. She was reminded of those times when she and Matt wanted each other madly and had had such hopes for the future, but everything had changed now. She had not spoken to him since the baby had died, blaming him for the loss of her child. Why could he have not told her about Abby before? Then it would not have come as such a shock. Being knocked on the head and losing part of your memory was something you would not easily dismiss, and yet he had never mentioned it. Why? Because he felt guilty about the whole episode! At least with Rob she knew for sure there had been little more than a few kisses.

Pain and a need to make Matt hurt even more swept through her as he entered the room. She pretended to be engrossed in the magazine.

‘Lily, we’ve got to talk,’ he said forcefully. ‘It’s wrong of you to shut me out. It hurts me as much as you that we’ve lost the baby, surely you must realise that?’

From beneath her lashes she saw his lean fingers grip the wooden board at the bottom of the bed but still she did not look up into his face, knowing if she did so he would see it as a response. She wanted to scream, how can it hurt you as much as me? You didn’t live with him moving inside you day and night. But she remained silent, continuing to stare at the page as if absorbed by its contents, knowing it was infuriating him.

‘For God’s sake, say something!’ he demanded, leaning forward and wrenching the magazine from her grasp. ‘Your silence won’t solve anything! If it’s that girl Abby this is about and not the baby, have you thought we only have her word for it that I did anything? I don’t remember and that’s the gospel truth!’

How convenient, thought Lily, almost giving one of Aunt Dora’s sniffs.

‘If you really loved me you’d give me the benefit of the doubt,’ said Matt desperately.

She considered how difficult it was to keep silent when all her instincts were saying, yell at him, hit him. She wanted to shout, you’ve admitted spending time in that girl’s company, to being lonely, to giving her a lift! Your name and hers are in the hotel register. Why didn’t you tell her you were married and she might have stayed away? Did she hit you when she found out? Did you force yourself upon her? Rob said she has your baby alive and that hurts more than anything! But to say all that would be communicating with him, crossing a bridge, and she needed space around her which he could not penetrate while she nursed her grief.

She heard the rustle of pages being turned and then he said, ‘Did May bring you this? Did you have a sisterly heart to heart? You can talk to your family but not to me, it seems.’ There was a short silence then he added quietly, ‘Remember us saying we had a thousand nights of lovemaking to catch up on? Now we might as well be a thousand miles apart.’

Lily felt the tears catch in her throat but still she was silent. She slumped lower in the bed and closed her eyes.

He was silent for a long time and she waited for him to leave, then he said, ‘So you’re carrying this on? It’s going to be war without words between us?’ There was a sound of tearing paper.

Her eyelids flew open. He smiled grimly at her, scattering magazine paper like confetti on the eiderdown before walking out of the room. She wanted to smash something but told herself that would be resorting to his tactics. Men are so childish, she thought, and toyed with the idea of leaving him and returning to the farm, but she did not want to chance meeting Rob and had told the family to tell him they had no idea where she was and let them make of that what they would. Besides this was her home. And who knows? Matt might go and bring another one of his homeless women into it if she was not there.

Suddenly she remembered that tomorrow Nora’s son was coming out of hospital. Her heart sank. She did not want to cope with someone else’s troubles. Perhaps it would be a good idea to get away from the strained atmosphere of the house for a day. Tomorrow was May the first. She would go and see if there was peace of mind to be found elsewhere, away from those who knew her.

But the best laid plans, never mind hastily decided ones, often don’t work out, thought Lily the next morning as she faced a helpless and scarlet-faced William, who had a giggling twin swinging from each arm. ‘It’s just that we’re calving, lass, as well as having a hundred other things to do,’ he said in a flurried voice, ‘and these two imps keep getting into mischief. If you could just take them out of our hair for the day, it’d be appreciated.’

She thought, why did it have to be today? The last thing I want is two kids hanging round my neck.

William stared at her anxiously. ‘Of course, if it’s too much trouble or you’re not feeling well?’

‘No, I’m fine,’ she lied, seeing no way out of doing what he asked without worrying him. ‘I was thinking of having a day out. I’ll take them with me.’

His eyes brightened as he lowered first one twin to the floor and then the other. He delved into a pocket and produced a handful of silver. ‘Buy yourselves some ice cream! Go to the pictures, lass! Anything! I’ll come back for them this evening.’

She shook her head. ‘Don’t you be rushing yourself here, there and everywhere. You’re supposed to be taking things easy. I’ll bring them back on the tram.’

He looked relieved and kissed her fondly. ‘You’re a good lass. Always have been.’

‘You’ve always been prejudiced in my favour,’ she said, with an eye to Joe, who had just picked a couple of eggs from a basket on the counter. She took them from him and pushed him and Josie out of the shop so they could wave to William as he drove off.

Even before he was out of sight Josie had turned the full power of her limpid blue gaze on Lily. ‘Can we go to the seaside?’

The sea! thought Lily with an almost feverish longing, imagining a gentle sea lapping on the sand, but of course the beach was out. There’d be barbed wire and it was no secret that many a ship had gone down due to floating mines. What if one swept ashore with the tide?

‘I’d like to go on the ferry!’ Joe jumped on and off the kerb, his eyes fixed on her face.

‘Stop that!’ Lily seized his arm. ‘No way would I risk taking you two on a boat, unless you’ve come with your own built-in lifebelt, which I doubt.’

Joe pouted but Lily was unimpressed.

‘Aren’t we going anywhere then?’ Josie’s mouth turned down at the corners, reminding Lily of Orphan Annie.

‘I said we would, didn’t I?’ she said severely. ‘But only if you behave yourselves. If you don’t, you can forget the ice cream.’

‘We’ll behave, Aunt Lily,’ they chorused and smiled like newly created cherubs.

She was not fooled by such easy promises of good behaviour but told them to play outside while she fetched a jacket, made some sandwiches, found a bat and ball, discovered a couple of old fishing nets in the gas cupboard, and washed out jam jars which she tied string to. She called the children from out of the Morrison shelter in the cool room, handed them a fishing net each and told them to quick march.

It was green and fresh and peaceful in the park but high in the sky not so far away floated silvery sausage-shaped barrage balloons, reminding Lily that there was a war still going on despite there having been few raids that month.

She sat on her jacket, her eyes on the twins as they fished for tiddlers in the shallow, circular boating pond, and found herself remembering her childhood and that of her brothers and sisters after the death of their mother. There had been few times when she had been able to bring them to the park like this, but sometimes Uncle William had turned up and taken them out of her hair so she could get on with the housework. She wondered how people did without family and despite her determination not to feel sorry for Matt, found herself wondering about his childhood. It must have been lonely and hard with little feminine influence to soften the edges.

He seems to have coped all right, said a voice inside her. He managed to catch you. You’re not going to go soft on him now. There’s plenty of women prepared to do that. Look at the way Nora, even in the early days of her grief, mothered him. You’ve had no one to mother you in fifteen years!

Lily dropped her chin on her knees and stared stonily into space. Probably there’d been plenty of females interested in him. Women like Miss Morell and Abby. So harden your heart, girl. A deep sigh escaped her and she felt herself sinking into depression, only to be roused by a yell from Joe.

‘Aunt Lily! I’ve caught a fish! What do I do with it?’ He jiggled the net about in the water, his babyish features alight with mingled pleasure and anxiety.

She shoved her problems to the back of her mind and scrambled to her feet, dunking a jam jar in the water, half filling it. She showed him how to tip the fish out of the net and into the jar. He beamed at her and she forgot herself and gave the children all her attention.

After a while the twins had enough of fishing and played at bat and ball. They tired of that, too, but Lily felt a deep reluctance to go home on her first real day out in weeks. ‘Where else would you like to go?’ she said.

‘Ice cream,’ said Joe, turning his smutty face up to hers. ‘Big dishes of it!’ He held his arms out wide.

Why not? thought Lily, and seizing their hands, hurried them in the direction of the Capoldi Ice Cream Parlour.

With two small children, tired and stuffed to the gills with ice cream, Lily decided the cinema would be a waste and they caught the tram which would take them most of the way to the farm. Dora stated Lily looked worn out and suggested she stay the night. She agreed and went to bed early. For the first time in weeks she fell asleep within minutes of getting into bed.

It was not until after breakfast the next morning that Lily learnt there had been a short raid over Liverpool. Immediately she left to catch the tram, worried about what she might find at home.

She did not arrive at the dairy until midday and on entering the shop was confronted by a irate and filthy Matt. ‘Where in God’s name have you been? Nora’s been hysterical and is in bed! A house the other side of the next street was hit by a landmine. Nobody in there, thank God, but the shippon and kitchen were damaged in the blast! Some of the cows have got out! Another was killed and Ronnie has had the butcher take it. Several more aren’t giving milk. A couple of your hens are dead with shock, although fortunately your chicks were inside the house and are OK.’ He drew breath. ‘Why couldn’t you have left me a note? Did you have to be so utterly selfish at a time like this and go off without a word? I’ve been worried sick!’

Immediately Lily, who had been worried sick herself and had come to the decision she would forgive him anything so long as he was safe, reversed her decision. Her selfish? When she had spent the day looking after two lively kids! How dare he? She walked past him into the kitchen. Every pane of glass was smashed in the window, a wall had cracked, the door frame looked crooked and there was a layer of soot over everything. Damn! she thought. It’s going to take ages clearing this up.

Matt entered in her wake. ‘Lily, now is not the time to keep up this stupid wall of silence. Where have you been?’

She did not answer but went out into the yard which was littered with bits of brick, plaster, slate and more glass. Inside the damaged shippon, there was an enormous hole. The house opposite them at the back was minus all its windows and its chimney had collapsed and damaged the roof. She stroked one of the remaining cows, noting there was a cut on its flank.

Matt was suddenly at her side. ‘Ronnie got rid of most of the mess in here and has gone looking for the cows that escaped. He was worried about the cat but it’s come back. I thought you’d be pleased about that.’

Lily nodded. Matt opened his mouth, then closed it and left her. A sob broke in her throat but she swallowed it, wiped her damp eyes and went back indoors. There was no sign of Matt. She donned a pinafore and set about clearing up the mess.

When the sirens sounded that evening a wild-eyed Nora and son shot into the iron Morrison shelter where Lily had placed a double mattress. She followed, knitting in hand, with Mrs Draper whom she had invited to share their shelter when necessary since several communal shelters had been hit in air raids. She had no idea where Matt was as he had not come in for tea. She determined not to worry about him. If he wanted to play the hero and get himself killed, let him! He was as bad as her brother. Why couldn’t they just be cowards like some others? It was less worrying.