Kismet (24 page)

I make my way to the bar, plopping down onto the stool that had been mine for years. Misty, the slutty bartender, immediately notices me. “Hey, Parker,” she purrs, “haven’t seen you ’round in awhile.”

“Yeah, I was busy with something.”

For a moment I wondered if she’d ask me what I’d been busy with, but she doesn’t. “So, what can I get you?” she asks, wiping her hands on her apron.

“Something strong,” I manage to say before slapping down a hundred dollar bill, “and keep ’em coming.”

It is passed closing time when Misty helps me out of the bar, my arm slung carelessly around her neck as I lean up against her for support. There’s probably more alcohol in my system than blood right now, and I can tell I’m almost at the point of blacking out. That feeling where the edges of my sight go black slowly creeps in and I know that forgetting isn’t too far away.

“Where to, Parker?” she asks, turning the corner to her car. It takes a bit of work but eventually she manages to prop me against the door as she fumbles with her keys. I take a deep breath and I smell a familiar scent.

Katie’s shampoo, or maybe her perfume.

It’s one or the other, I’m not sure which, but it clouds my judgment even more than the booze. Without thinking I reach up and run my hands through Misty’s bleached blonde hair. Something about it doesn’t feel right, it’s not soft like Katie’s, but maybe Misty can help me forget. “You’re drunk,” she states, opening the car door.

“We could have fun.”

Given my inebriated state I’m thinking that she’ll shut me down, but instead she shoots me a cheeky grin. “We do have fun together, don’t we?”

Leaning forward I kiss her. It’s good and all, but it lacks any real sense of feeling or emotion. It’s empty and shallow. Just like me. My lips are still pressed to hers when a cool night air blows by me. My breath hitches, and the chill sobers me. Immediately pulling back from her, I stare into her eyes, knowing that what I’m doing is wrong. But it’s like a train wreck. One that you can’t look away from.

“Your place or mine?” I ask before sliding into her passenger seat.

“Definitely yours.”

Filled with rage I lean forward and use my forearms to clear off the tabletop. The cans go clanging to the ground, falling into a heap.

Such. A. Moron.

I pound my fist on the wood before leaning forward propping my elbows on my knees, tossing my head into my hands and trying to gather my thoughts. But I can’t. There’s just too much for me to process. As bad as I hurt, and want to kick myself in the ass for reverting back to my old ways, all I can ever see is
her
.

Her pain.

Her anguish.

Her hurt.

All the bad memories, caused by me, replay over and over in my head.

Katie and I have always been in this weird limbo—stuck between what is right, and what we feel, everything we’ve ever wanted just a whisper and touch away.

But I could never take the leap. I wanted more for her. I never could accept that she was it for me. For whatever reason, I just couldn’t believe that I deserved something so good in life. It didn’t make sense for a schlep like me to end up with an angel like her. It didn’t help to realize that if I had put half as much energy into keeping her as I did pushing her away, we probably wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.

But no matter what life throws our way, somehow everything always comes back to me and her… to us. She’s my reason for living. It’s always about her, always has been and always will be.

Shaking the cobwebs from my head I stand, heading to the bathroom to clean myself up. It’s been a crazy few days and I need to make things right. I’m halfway down the hallway when I hear a knock on my door.

“Hang on,” I groan before turning back where I came from. I shuffle towards the door and open it just in time to see a fist flying at my face. Still slightly drunk, I can’t move quick enough to avoid it and it connects. Pain radiates across my jaw and I stumble, falling backwards on my ass. The fall knocks the air from my lungs and I gasp for breath. It takes a second for me to get my bearings but I sit up and rub my jaw, eventually looking up to find Tommy seething. “Jesus, Tommy.”

“Now that Katie’s out of here”—he cracks his knuckles—“you and I have some unfinished business.”

Not willing to resign myself to my fate just yet, I consider my options. Running and locking myself in the bathroom is looking good, but I know that Tommy will just break the door down eventually. I’d better just man up.

“Before you continue the ass kicking, can I say something?” I ask, slowly making it back on my feet.

Tommy steps over the threshold and slams the door shut behind him. “Be my guest.”

“I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not like that with Katie.” Tommy raises his eyebrows and shoots me a pointed look. “It never has been.”

“You don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to women, Parker,” he argues.

“I know that, and I know how it might seem to everyone else.” I sit on the edge of my coffee table and sigh. “I can’t explain it.”

“Well you better try, because I’m about to make myself feel better about everything and I can assure you that it
won’t
make you feel any better.”

Tommy is such a prick when it comes to protecting his family. It’s one of the best things about him. He’s loyal as fuck and he always has your back. This wouldn’t be the first time he and I came to blows over something, and while it sucked beyond belief, it was how Tommy dealt with stress—beat the shit out of the stressor and move on. He’d kicked my ass for lesser things, like taking his last can of chew, or forgetting to pay him back a loan. Tommy has a short fuse and I damn well know it. How we made it this long over the whole Katie situation is beyond me. That’s why Katie and I snuck around the first time.

“I love her. I’ve loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her and every other day of my pathetic existence. At first it was a protective love, like I’d do anything for her. You remember, me and you wanting her to realize how special she was, holding her hand through tough times, but mostly just being her friend. Then, all of the sudden, without warning, I loved her more than myself. It was all consuming and greedy. I slowly started taking more than I deserved and that was when it hit me. I had to protect her from myself. She deserved more than I could give her. I couldn’t do to her what my Mom did to Dad, so I pushed her away.” I nervously crack my knuckles. “And here I am making the same goddamned mistakes.”

Tommy sits next to me, throwing his arm around my shoulders.

“Aren’t you going to kick the ever-living shit out of me?” I ask.

“No,” he states, very matter of factly. “Because now I know.”

“Know what?”

“That you really love her.”

“Of course I do.”

“I just had to be sure.”

He pulls an envelope from his back pocket and holds it out in front of me.

“What’s this?” I ask, grabbing it from his hand and reading the inscription. Perplexed, I look at him.

“Why I had to be sure. I found it on your step when we were leaving. Katie was bringing this to you. It’s meant for the person who loves her, so I’m guessing that means it’s yours.”

“Who’s it from?”

Tommy stands, making his way to the door solemnly. “I think you should just open it, and when you’re done reading it you can make your decision. But this bullshit has got to stop. Seriously, it’s time for you guys to make a decision and stick to it. No more of this limbo nonsense.”

I nod and without another word Tommy leaves. Staring down at the writing, I read it again.

To the Man That Holds Her Heart.

With a deep breath I slide my finger under the fold and rip.

I’m sitting, staring at nothing in particular. Just being still, trying to stop my mind from reeling. I’ve been thinking too much lately and what has it got me? A whole bunch of heartache.

When we’d finally got home I just wanted to be alone, but Tommy had called Stevenson the second he got in the house. The good doctor made a special trip out to the farm to see me and he’s been back every day for a week, just trying to get me to open back up.

It’s been two weeks since I finally came clean to everyone about Zoe, and one week since my heart had been ripped from my chest for the final time.

“Katie? Did you hear me?” Stevenson asks, a hint of annoyance in his voice. I’m sure this is getting old for him. Who knows, maybe he’ll just leave it alone and give up.

I look up and he’s still staring at me, waiting for an answer. I want to tell him he’ll be waiting a while, but I don’t. He sits for a few more minutes, obviously deep in thought, before he stands and leaves me alone.

Finally
, I think as I lie back.

I’m tired. Sleep continues to evade me and the nightmares are back. Well, not nightmares exactly, but memories of my reality.

I’m haunted. I can’t remember the last time I ate because I can’t tolerate anything. It all tastes like lies. Putrid and disgusting.

I hear bits and pieces of a three-way conversation between Mom, Tommy and Stevenson in the hallway.

“This is a huge setback…”

“No shit.”

“Tommy!”

“It’s tricky… dealing with more than we thought… Parker… trial medication.”

“No drugs.”

“Agreed… just got her back.”

“Respect… however… there seems to be mental health issues… left untreated…”

I lose interest. It doesn’t really matter anyway.

I stand up and walk out of the room into the hallway. They stop talking when they see me but I stare blankly at them before brushing past and climbing the stairs, heading straight for my room where I flop backwards onto my bed. Embracing the silence I close my eyes, hoping to drift to sleep, but my attempts are cut short by a rapping on my window.

The sound has my heart racing and I jump up. There’s only one person who would sneak through my window. I consider ignoring the tapping until I hear my name being whispered. My name on his lips will never get old, no matter how many times he and I screw up.

Turning my face to the window, I see Parker’s face illuminated from the moon on the other side. “Katie, please let me in. I need to talk to you. Let me explain.”

This makes me angry. I just want to be alone. Why can’t he just let me self-destruct.

Fuming, I stalk towards the window and sling it open keeping my back toward him. Those eyes of his turn me to mush too easily. Stupid eyes.

The breeze from outside whips into the room and Parker huffs as he climbs in. “Shit. I haven’t snuck into a girls room in ages.”

More anger. How could he possibly feel like it was an appropriate time to joke? I spin on my heels and shoot daggers his way. Lifting his hands in surrender, he starts backtracking.

“I’m sorry. I was a moron. I
am
a moron.” Reaching in his back pocket, he pulls out a familiar envelope, only now it looks worn. Like it has been read a million times over. “I found this.”

Despite my wavering emotions, I continue shooting daggers at him. He’s hurt me for the final time. I won’t let him control me anymore.

“I read it, Katie, and I think you need to hear what he had to say.”

I don’t answer, but he pulls out the paper anyway and moves to sit on the edge of my mattress.

The sudden proximity is too much and I back away from him. How did he get that?

The memory of me dropping it floods back, and I know he must’ve found it on his doorstep. It’s the one letter I haven’t had the strength to read. Literally scared by a piece of paper, I back away from him.

My back bumps against the wall and I press the palms of my hands to it, feeling the ripples of the old wallpaper underneath my fingertips. Nervously I pinch at a bubble, hoping to cause some of it to break away between my fingers. The anxiety rises within me when Parker gets me to break my silence again.

“Don’t. I can’t.”

Sliding down the wall a strangled sound escapes from between my lips. Parker falls to his knees, crawling over to me.