Kismet (21 page)

“What?” I ask.

“What are those?”

He’s pointing at the three envelopes I left on the coffee table.

I sit up and snatch them. “Oh, those are letters from Michael. I only read the one though. It’s such a Michael stunt, still talking to me from the grave.”

Parker grabs my hand and kisses it. “I want to know more about him. What was he like? How’d you meet?”

If I had any doubts about Parker, they all melt away when he asks me about the only other man I have loved. I lean my head on his shoulder and sigh. I haven’t talked much about Michael to anyone since his death, but in this moment, it feels right.

“I met Michael the first night I was in Manchester, at a party. He was so handsome I noticed him right away. He was charismatic. I could tell that much just by looking at the crowd of people standing talking to him. They were all laughing, seemingly without a care in the world and I remember thinking to myself that I wanted that.”

“To be happy?” Parker asks sadly, knowing that he had been the one to break my heart.

I nod silently. “He lit up the room. But what drew me to him the most is that he was the exact opposite of you. Sandy-blond hair, green eyes, and clean cut. I knew he would never remind me of you.”

Parker sniffs in response and I look up at him, forcing a smile, trying to let him know that I’m trying.

“I took a chance and talked to him. We ended up hooking up that night…” I swallowed the lump in my throat. This was where things got tough. If I continue, I’ll have to admit my mistakes, and I’m not ready to do that with Parker yet. I’ve just got him back, and I won’t risk losing him again. “And the rest is history.”

“I remember Tommy telling me about you two, and I always couldn’t help thinking you were moving too fast.”

“I did what I had to in order to heal my heart, Parker. It may have been selfish, and I might have thought I’d managed it, but I hadn’t. And Michael always knew.” I passed him my opened letter from Michael.

His eyes fall onto the paper and I watch as he slowly reads through the message from my late husband. Once he finishes he looks down at me with adoration in his eyes. “Seems like a great guy.”

“He was.”

“Smart too,” Parker adds.

I look at him and he leans down to kiss my nose.

“Because even though you didn’t, he always knew you were mine.”

I’ve barely made it down the stairs when I hear Stevenson pull up outside and I groan, wondering when he’ll stop coming. I feel like I’m ready to be discharged from his services, but he doesn’t think I’m where I should be yet. I don’t know what else he expects from me.

I’m pouring my cup of coffee when he lets himself in. “Morning, Katie,” he says, grabbing a cup from the cabinet. I turn and fill it up.

“Thanks.” He takes a swig and immediately heads into the living room. I follow him and flop down onto the couch.

“You on a mission today?” I ask. He usually chats for a few minutes while we drink our coffee before we head into our session.

He sighs and sets his cup down on the end table. “The time has come, Katie.”

My heart leaps a bit in my chest. Reading between the lines, I immediately do a silent celebration. “You’re discharging me?”

He shakes his head. “No. It’s time to talk about that day.”

“What day?”

I’m playing dumb. I know what he’s doing. It makes me uncomfortable and I fold my arms protectively across my chest.

“Tell me about the accident, Katie,” he orders.

“Fuck you,” I bite out, startling myself with the harshness in my voice.

Stevenson sighs and shifts in his chair. “Despite what you think, you’re ready.”

“I don’t remember anything,” I lie. Truth is, I can’t forget. How can I when it haunts my dreams almost nightly? Almost nightly because although I still have the memories that creep in with the darkness, somehow the nightmares don’t creep in when Parker and I spend the whole night together. It’s why I’ve been begging him to stay with me once the sun goes down, and why I fall asleep in his arms most nights.

“You and I both know that’s not true, Katie. The sooner you and I talk about that day, and what happened, the sooner that you can start healing.”

I give him nothing but silence.

“Don’t you want the dreams and nightmares to stop?” he finally asks.

Unwilling to answer his question, I ask my own. “How does anyone
heal
after something like this?”

“Time. Love. Communication. Honesty. It’s a recipe for so many things in life, and I think that you’re slowly getting there—especially with Parker back in your life. But this is the key to it all, Katie. This is where you learn to embrace your past, your choices, and your scars. This is how you start living again.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. What he’s saying is right. In order to heal my heart I need to be able to talk about things with other people, not just myself. Even though it’s been months since the accident, just the thought of describing to him how they died has my throat dry. For a few moments I’m unable to do anything, and that includes breathe. The panic must be shining clear on my face but Stevenson remains seated. It is as if he knows that I won’t be able to get through it if he shows me any sort of kindness.

I opened my mouth to begin and the room around me disappears. I shiver. The sound of blood rushing through my ears is all I can hear… until the words finally come. “Michael, Zoe and I decided to go pick up a few things at the store. Michael and a few friends were throwing me a baby shower the next day. It was last minute thing and I should have scolded him for not wearing his seat belt, but I didn’t. I should have told him to quit looking at her in the mirror, but it was endearing, so I didn’t. I was too busy looking at him, trying to force myself to feel it!”

“Feel what?”

“
It.
That magnetic feeling. The feeling that I had with Parker. I wanted to need Michael like that, I was trying to make myself…”

I’m not recounting a memory anymore—I’m living it. Re-enacting events scene by agonizing scene “And then all the sudden he was yelling, a panic looked painted on his face. Everything went black… I—I think I got knocked out. I’m not sure how long for, but it was awhile because when I woke up there were already people there trying to help.”

A strangled sound escapes my mouth when I remember what I saw when opened my eyes.

I feel sick. I look at Stevenson through glassy eyes. “I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can,” I hear from behind me.

I turn to see Parker, walking towards me. He sits next to me and grabs my hand and kisses it. Despite the pain, my heart swells. He gives me strength.

“There were so many people. I could hear Zoe screaming, calling for me, but I couldn’t move. They were holding my head still. They kept telling me the best way I could help was to let the paramedics do their job. Then I felt the cramps, so I looked down. Blood… God, there was so much blood. I started crying and calling out to Michael, telling him I was bleeding… but he didn’t answer. I called to him again. Nothing. I tried to look at him, but they wouldn’t let me. Somehow I managed to peak out the corner of my eye.” I pause as the words get caught in my throat. My emotions are running me, and I’m slowly breaking down. Parker pulls me close and rubs small circles on my back. “He was already covered with a white sheet. That’s when I started screaming. I felt so guilty—thinking I killed him, trying to make myself feel something with my own husband. I loved him, I did. But he was never my first choice, he never would be. I wasn’t fair to him and he died.”

“It wasn’t because of you, Katie.”

The enormity of the situation overtakes me and it takes a few minutes to control my sobs. Parker continues to reassure me, stroking my back while Stevenson keeps repeating that it wasn’t my fault.

“I think I’m starting to believe that,” I finally manage.

“Tell me what happened next.”

“I eventually stopped screaming—shock probably—but Zoe continued to cry and I kept asking them to tell me what was wrong with her, but they wouldn’t. I never dreamed that it was bad. Then, suddenly she fell silent and I knew. She was gone. My sweet Zoe. My angel. My saving grace. Stripped from my life, because of me. Because I had been selfish, but mostly because of the choices I made.” I swallow the bile rising in my throat. The time has come for me to come clean.

“Zoe didn’t die because you forced yourself to marry Michael, Katie.”

The time had come. It would never be the right time, but I needed to say the words. “It wasn’t that.” The sobs come harder and I choke because I know I’m about to ruin everything.

Time, check.

Love, check.

Communication, check.

“Zoe, wasn’t Michael’s daughter,” I whisper. I turn to face Parker because in this moment it’s not about me and Stevenson. It’s about him.

Raising my eyes, I look deep into his as I finally admit, “Parker, that day at the lake… I was coming to tell you I was pregnant.”

Honesty, check.

The blood drains from his face and his mouth is wide in shock. Before anyone else has a chance to speak, I continue.

“You didn’t want me, Parker…” I sob. “You forced me to leave, to go to Manchester. So when I got there, I set my sights on Michael and slept with him that same night. I told him I was pregnant a few weeks later and he never thought twice about it. He married me and even though Zoe didn’t look like him, or me, he never said anything. He was a good man, she was innocent, and they were taken because of me! They deserved better than to live a life with a liar like me.”

Parker snatches his hand from mine. The cold air nips at the skin between my fingers and I gasp for air, missing his touch. “I had a right to know,” he whispers.

I look down to my lap. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“You’re
sorry
?” He shoots up and looks down at me, his face full of hurt and rage. “What. The. Fuck, Katie?”

I flinch at the anger in his voice, knowing I deserve everything.

“Now calm down, Parker,” Stevenson pleads.

“Calm down?
Calm down?!
You’ve got to be kidding me! I have a daughter. No, I
had
a daughter. One that I’ll never get to know because Katie was too scared to take a chance.”

“I wanted you to
want
to be with me, Parker. I wasn’t going to force you to choose me just because I was pregnant.”

A bitter laugh escapes his mouth and he rolls his eyes. “All I wanted was for you to live your dreams, Katie. I was an idiot, but I never thought you’d leave and never come back. We both had a lot of growing up to do, and that’s all I wanted to happen.”

“You broke my heart.”

“So what, now you can break mine? Is that how it is? We’re not in kindergarten arguing over a toy in the sandbox, Katie. She was a child. She was
my
child.”

Knowing what I’ve done, what I took from him, is unbearable. I take a few steps toward him and grasp at his wrist, but the moment my skin touches his he flinches, pulling his arm away as if my touch physically pains him. “Parker, please—”

“Don’t, Katie. Just… don’t.” His expression turns panicked and his eyes scan the room. “I can’t be here,” he whispers, but I don’t think his words are for me. “I have to go.”

“Parker, please stay. We have to talk about this. I have to explain—”

“You don’t have to explain shit, Katie. I wasn’t worth it then, so don’t bother now.” He pauses scanning my face for something but his eyes won’t meet mine. “Jesus, I can’t even look at you.”

He stumbles from the room, drunk with grief. I squeeze my eyes shut, praying that when I open them it’ll all have been a dream and that he’ll still be by my side telling me it’s going to be okay.

But the sound of the screen door slamming lets me know that this is real. Parker is gone, and I’m alone.

Again.

A guttural wail escapes my lips and I throw my head into my hands, letting the sobs take over. I knew this would happen. It was foolish to think that I could be happy again, that I deserved a second chance at life. I was getting exactly what I deserved.

An arm wraps around my shoulder as someone joins me on the couch. Through my swollen eyes I see Stevenson gazing down at me. His lips are pressed into a hard line, his eyes full of concern. He’d gotten more than he bargained for today.

“I know what you’re thinking, Katie, but you don’t
deserve
this, so quit feeling like you do. You made mistakes, we all do. We’re human. We’ll get you through this. I promise.”