I wiped my hands down my face. “Baby, I swear to God that other than those few times with Scorpio, I have never been with anyone else. I didn't know she was pregnant, and it surprised the fuck out of me. I made a huge and costly mistake, and my intentions have never been to hurt you.”
Nokea's cries started to become rapid. By the way her body was trembling, she looked to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I tightened my fist, pounding it on the couch and trying to get her to understand that I did this with no intent to hurt her.
“I love you, baby, and you have got to hold on to that right now. Please forgive me for fucking up. I can't take back what's happened, and I... I just got to deal with it. Damn!”
She moved her hands away from her face, allowing me to see the damage I'd caused. Her tears were falling like a constant rain, and the look in her eyes was turning ice-cold. I could have killed myself right now, watching her begin to fall apart. She gripped her stomach and spoke with a shaky voice while rocking back and forth. “How are you dealing with it? I'm almost afraid to ask, but I already have an idea, since your daily routine has changed. She's here, isn't she? Thatâthat bitch and your babies are here, aren't they?”
I couldn't even respond. I leaned forward, placing my elbows on my knees and massaging my forehead with my hands.
“Oh, my God!” Nokea screamed. “You made arrangements for her to live here! In Miami! Did you really? You are still fucking her, aren't you?”
I was speechless. At this point, the baseball-sized lump in my throat was so huge that I couldn't even respond.
Nokea rushed up to me and snatched my hands away from my forehead. She smacked the shit out of me, causing both sides of my face to burn. One smack on the left cheek, then on the right. My head snapped to the side both times, and that's when she punched me between my eyes and nose. The blow caused my eyes to water from the sting, and my nose felt as though it was bleeding. I couldn't even defend myself, or my actions. She pulled my hair back so tight, forcing me to lie back on the couch, as she lay over me. I squeezed my eyes together, trying to fight back my anger and the pain I'd felt from her aggressiveness. She demanded more answers.
“Why,
Jaylin?” she yelled through gritted teeth, yanking at my hair.
“Whyyy?
IâI swear to God, I hate you! I hate your fucking guts, you bastard!”
This time, she kneed me in the groin. When I grabbed my dick, she released her grip on my hair. She slapped me again, and started pounding my back and kicking me wherever she could. She was all over me, and I had to take that shit like a man who had, no doubt, wronged his wife. I grabbed her waist to calm her, but she dug her nails into my skin, piercing it. I snatched my arms away, and that's when she kneed me in the groin again. This time, that shit hurt really, really bad. I grabbed myself and dropped to my knees.
“Fuck,” I shouted. “Stop it, Nokea, before I hurt you!”
She halted her punches. “You horny muthafucka! You've already hurt me! You could never hurt me more!”
Her kick went into my side and she pushed my head to the side as hard as she could. I lost my balance, trying to soothe my nuts with my hand. Nokea turned around, picked up the crystal vase on the table, slamming it into the glass. Shards of the glass shattered everywhere, including all over me. As she rushed over to the expensive painting on our wall, I got up and grabbed her from behind.
“Baby, stop. Please stop!” I yelled, trying to calm her with an embrace. “I'm so sorry, and I promise I'll make this up to you!”
She turned, shoving me backward. I had never seen Nokea react like this. Where in the hell was my wife? She picked up a mirror-framed picture of our family, throwing it into the glass wall unit, which stretched from one wall to the next. More glass shattered, and so did the tall floor vases as she sent them crashing to the floor. Allowing her to let out her frustrations, I fell back on the couch, covering my teary eyes with my hand. All I heard was more glass breaking, and I wasn't sure if she had broken any of the glass windows that viewed the ocean from the back of our house. Each crash, though, made me feel as if an electrical shock was rushing through my body. She stormed through the entire first level, tearing up shit and breaking everything in her sight. Words of hate for me were being spewed my way, and her harsh words hurt like hell. It especially pained when she stressed how much she wished I were dead and she hated me. I don't care how bad it had ever gotten between us in the past; I couldn't remember a time when she had said that to me.
I listened to her going all over our house, basically destroying it. After she went into the kitchen, she came back into the great room, with a butcher knife in her hand. I watched as she slashed one of the couches and then stood in front of me with the knife in her trembling hand. Mascara was smudged underneath her eyes, and they were red as fire.
“Now you go ahead and move your bitch up in here with you. I've made room for her, and I'll be out of your way soon. I can't believe you've done this to us, and I hate your fucking guts for taking me down this road again!”
I looked up at her, feeling so horrible for what I had done to her ... to us. “I don't need her here with me. I need you,” I said calmly. I looked at the shaking knife in her hand. “If you're going to leave me, then go ahead and use that knife. Put me out of my fucking misery. I don't deserve you, baby. I never have.”
Just then, the front door opened and Shane rushed in. He saw the knife in Nokea's hand and ran up to her. From behind, he grabbed her waist and she dropped the knife from her hand. Her body was shaking from her crying so hard. Shane cradled her body from behind as she slowly eased to the floor. He kept a tight embrace around her, asking her to calm down.
“I hate him, Shane!” she yelled, while rocking back and forth on her knees. “How could he do this to me?”
Shane looked up at me. Seeing the look on his face, all I could do was shamefully drop my head again.
“He made a mistake,” Shane said, defending me. “One that I know, for a fact, he regrets.”
Nokea held on tight to him, and the continuous echoes from her cries and her desperate asking of “How could he do this to
me?”
would stay with me forever.
NOKEA
This had to be the fastest I had ever moved from one place to another. There was no way possible for me to live in our home with Jaylin, so I packed my bags and left that night. My bank account was sitting pretty, so I wasn't too much worried about finding another place to call home.
Still, I was so unstable, and I hadn't seen my kids for at least a week. They were still with Jaylin. I had been in touch with no one and I lay alone, soaking in my tears, in my new partially furnished condo. The condo set Jaylin back a lot, but I could only imagine the place he had for Scorpio and her kids. I couldn't believe he had taken us down this road, and did he really think that I would go along with the plan? Maybe I could have somehow managed to handle all of this if the other woman wasn't Scorpio. Then I doubted thatâbecause Scorpio or not, Jaylin had not taken his vows seriously. Then, to suggest that he'd only been with Scorpio a few times, and other than that, he had been faithful to me. Was I supposed to clap my hands and thank him? This situation was so messed up and I, more than anyone, wanted to wake up from this horribly bad dream.
Thing is, there was no waking up because this was as real as it could get. Jaylin had not only been unfaithful, but he also conceived a child during the course of our marriage.
How could I possibly deal with something like that? How do women with unfaithful husbands overcome? I couldn't even stand the sight of Jaylin right now, and how in the hell would we ever be able to piece our lives back together? I had to give credit to those women who could forgive, but God would have to forgive me for not being able to put this behind me. There was no way for me to do it, and the thought of what our future now looked like devastated me. I couldn't stop crying for nothing, and this was the worst feeling ever. Was this some kind of payback for what I had done to my ex-husband Collins? Yes, I abruptly ended our marriage to be with Jaylin and left Collins hanging, as well as devastated. I believed in Karma, but in no way did I deserve this. To think that Jaylin was capable of betraying me like this, I just couldn't understand. Was I wrong for believing that he loved me? Did he really love Scorpio that much and couldn't let her go? He had to. There was no way he would risk losing so much if he didn't care about her. I hated her, and I hated him. I had to turn him loose, just so he could be with the woman he obviously had desired to be with instead of me.
My thoughts left me curled up on the bed, hugging the plush body pillow with it tucked between my legs. I was miserable, but I had to get through this. I prayed day in and day out for my sanity. My children missed me, but I didn't feel stable enough to have them around. I knew they were wondering where I had gone. For now, though, I needed time to figure out how I was going to make it without Jaylin. Our life together was over. The bond that I felt we had, well, I wasn't feeling it anymore. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could have so much hatred for him, and I truly did.
The following week, I couldn't go another day without seeing my kids, so I called Shane's cell phone to see if he would answer. He did, and I asked if he would bring the kids to my condo. I wanted to spend some time with them; it had been two weeks. I told Shane that I didn't want him to be caught in the middle, but there was no way I could turn to Nanny B. She always had Jaylin's back, and I didn't want to hear one of her lectures where she always wound up defending him. Shane told me he'd call me back, but Jaylin did, instead. I didn't even answer my phone; an hour later, Shane called back. He said that he'd bring the kids to see me, and I made him promise not to tell Jaylin the address where I had moved. At first he was hesitant, but then he told me that he wouldn't say anything.
About two hours after that, he showed up at my condo with the kids. My hair was slicked down to my head; I wore cotton pajama pants and a T-shirt. My face was without a drop of makeup, and my eyes remained swollen. The kids ran up to me excitedly; LJ grabbed my neck as I bent down to kiss him, and Jaylene was trying to get picked up. I smiled with happiness glowing on my face.
Shane stood in the doorway. “What time do you want me to pick them up?” he asked.
“Come back tomorrow, okay? They're going to stay the night with me. I'm not sure how we're going to work all of this out, but I know they don't want to be away from Jaylin or Nanny B for long.”
LJ and Jaylene ran off, looking at the condo that I now called home.
Shane stepped inside and closed the door. “If you have a minute, can I please sit down and talk to you? I know you ain't trying to hear or discuss a lot of things, but I have to get some things off my chest.”
We stepped away from the door and into the living room with asymmetrical ceilings. My condo could in no way compare to our house, and the whole place was kind of simple. It had three bedrooms, an updated kitchen, a dining room and two bathrooms. It was also near the ocean, and was at least four miles from home. For now, it gave me peace and allowed me time to think about what I intended to do.
Shane and I sat next to each other, and he covered my hand with his. “Listen, I just wanted to remind you that Jaylin really loves you, and he knows he has some major damage to repair. I hate to see the both of you like this, and we really, really miss you back at the house. I know you need time to sort through things, but don't give up on your family. No marriage is perfect, Nokea, and there are always challenges that every couple faces. Before you make any decisions, think hard about all that you and Jaylin have. Is it worth it to give up on it now? I don't know, but that's something you'll have to decide.”
“Thank you for being the true friend that you are, Shane. But Jaylin and I are over. After all that he's done in the past, there was no room in this marriage for error. All I want to do is figure out what needs to be done with our children. I'm not staying with him because of them. The way I feel about him, I would make their lives miserable. Bottom line, I've been through too much and I am not going to stand by him again.”
Shane looked disappointed in my response. I don't know why he expected me to say something different, and I knew what I had said would get back to Jaylin. I hoped so.
Jaylene and LJ came running into the living room, jumping all over me.
“Guess what we're going to do,” I said. They looked anxious to hear what. “We're going to make some big ole chocolate chip cookies and put piles and piles of vanilla ice cream between them. Are you ready to help me?”
They nodded and LJ wanted to know exactly how big the cookies were going to be. He held out his arms wide. “This big, Mommie?”
Jaylene held out her arms, but they were in no way bigger than LJ's. “No, this big!” she shouted.
“Well, not that big, but definitely big enough for us to eat.”
They jumped off my lap and ran into the kitchen. I walked Shane to the door, and he halted his steps before closing it.
“You're a beautiful person, Nokea. Don't allow bitterness to destroy you. After all that's happened, you've inspired me to get my act together. I was doing some things because I was hurt too, but those things weren't doing nothing but holding me back. Not anymore.”
I leaned forward and kissed Shane's cheek. “You know I wish you all the best. I'll see you tomorrow.”
Shane left and I hurried to the kitchen to make cookies with my kids.
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Later that day, we were lying on the floor and putting together a huge puzzle, which I had bought. The kids kept questioning me about where I'd been. Even though they really didn't understand why I had to live in another place, I told them that this would be my permanent home. I also told them that we'd be spending as much time as we could together; unfortunately for me, they stressed how much they loved their home. LJ wanted me to come back, and come back now.
“Maybe in due time,” I said. “But I'm okay being over here. I'm not that far and I can see you-all anytime I want.”
LJ frowned; then he slapped the top of his forehead and stood up. He dug his hands into his blue jeans back pocket and handed me a crumpled picture.
“Look, Mommie,” he said. “I forgot to show you this.”
I reached for the picture. However, when I looked at it, my face fell flat.
Jaylene's arms were around my neck and she pointed to Mackenzie in the picture. “Those are our new friends, Mommie. She's
sooo
nice, but he's a crybaby,” she pouted.
“Nuh-uh,” LJ said, sitting on my lap. “Those aren't our friends. Daddy said they were our brother and sister.”
“Nuh-uh,” Jaylene shouted, “they're not!”
“Yes, they are,” he fired back. “Aren't they, Mommie? Aren't they our brother and sister?”
Tears rushed to my eyes as I looked at the little boy whom Mackenzie was holding. He could have been Jaylin's twin. Even though I hated to break down in front of my kids, I couldn't help it. Even they started to cry, and this was not what I wanted to happen. I couldn't let them see me like this, and that's why I needed more time to get myself together.