“
Confidence has nothing to do with it.”
Taverin smiled and then laughed. Rein knew what would happen, and with that reassurance, Taverin sat still in her half-sister’s arms. But was Rein entirely correct? Would she be hurt before any of that could happen?
The fireplace burned brightly, throwing shadows across Traith in the darkened study. Everything was quiet except for his frequent curses and the crackling sounds coming from the beakers and canisters of laboratory equipments. Rein opened the door, quietly but not subtly. He spun around and stared at her from the darkness; she swallowed and took a seat at the far end of the room by the fire. She looked straight ahead into the dancing, crackling flames, but she could feel his eyes watching.
His voice began in a shaky whisper. “Please, Rein…”
He was suggesting that she leave.
“
No,” she replied, just as softly, but more aggressively.
She heard him sigh quietly, and his stare left her. He again immersed himself in science and study.
She was actually excited that he hadn’t left the room. His memories and thoughts seemed to constantly haunt him. She knew how ashamed he felt in front of anyone, including her. He had hardly spoken to her since he’d regained his memory. He had wanted his memory back so terribly, but it had brought him only more horrors to consume his thoughts. She was happy that she’d only received Ana’s perspective, as well. She hadn’t relived his entire life, just the murder. And it was
gruesome
…
He remembered everything. He had full right to be desperate to get his mind off of it, however he could. It seemed that whenever he was finally getting over something, something else knocked him back down. But instead of letting her help him, he vanished whenever she neared him.
Rein’s face darkened as she looked away from the fire toward him. He put down his papers and turned to face her, feeling her inside his head. She smiled and, taking a chance, stood and walked across the room. He didn’t recoil. Her hands met him; her fingers ran down his chest, and she breathed him in. She raised herself on tiptoe and kissed first his neck, then his chin, then his lips. He finally relaxed and returned her kiss. He wrapped his arms around her and easily lifted her off her feet, setting her gently on the couch by the fire. She laughed quietly; it was due to both his caress and the fact that she knew she’d eased his mind. She knew he was thinking only of her—finally.
The door to the study swung open. He looked up, startled, standing. Rein squirmed out from underneath him and stood up just as Taverin walked through the door, a serious expression on her face. As soon as she saw them, Taverin’s face flushed red.
“
What is it, Taverin?” Rein asked, recomposed.
Traith cleared his throat and turned away, walking back toward his study.
Taverin looked awkward. “I—I’m sorry, did I interrupt? Oh, my, I did, didn’t I?”
“
No, no, no. Did you need something?” Rein’s eyes followed her lover for another moment.
He grunted as a loud pop came from a small vial he had picked up off his desk. He threw it at the wall in aggravation, shaking his hand as if he’d hurt it. The glass shattered, and chemicals spilled and dripped down the wall. He gripped both ends of the table, breathing deeply, trying to calm himself.
Rein tried her best to ignore his frustration. She held her hand out to Taverin and led her out the door, leaving Traith alone in his study.
Taverin, once in the hallway, looked up into Rein’s eyes. “Rein, was it me? Was he angry with me?”
“
No, not at all. He’s just…He’s still broken inside, Taverin. Every moment he’s thinking, replaying things. I imagine it would be hard to regain a lost memory to begin with, let alone a terrible one. He has a lot of mental working out to do.”
The young girl looked down in sorrow. “I see.”
“
So what is it that you want, Tav?”
“
I’ve just been thinking about what you said to me when I first came to live here with you.” She hesitated.
“
And what was that?”
“
What you told me in the bower…I’ve been thinking about it—”
“
Taverin,” Rein looked thoughtfully into her young sister’s eyes. “I know what you want; your own life, your own love. I understand. You want to go home now. To William.”
Taverin’s face lit up. Rein looked toward the study door in an attempt to hide the twinge she felt in her stomach.
“
You read my mind, didn’t you? William said his sister would like a companion…” She paused. “Rein, I love him. I love you, but I love him.”
“
Then you may leave whenever you like, Taverin,” she murmured with a smile. “I trust you. You know about…
this
, now. But you must realize that you could always be a target. Take the spell book Mistress gave you. Use it if you ever must, promise me.”
Taverin nodded and threw her arms around Rein. “I promise, Rein!” Then she turned and ran off down the hall, squealing with happiness.
Rein sighed painfully. She knew she had probably made the wrong decision by letting her have the answer she wanted so quickly. She wouldn’t be safe living in France.
She brushed it aside. Traith was consuming too much of her thoughts. It was late, and by the time she made it back to the study, Traith wasn’t there. Her heart was sick for him. He had kept himself secluded since that disquieting night. He had not slept in the bedroom for the past few nights, but in his study or somewhere alone. It was killing her.
She walked to the master bedroom, praying she’d find him there.
She opened the door, being careful not to make much noise.
He was lying silent in bed.
Her heart rose in her chest with silent thrill at him being there. She heard his thoughts. He didn’t want her to know he was awake.
But he was awake.
She walked to the bedside and dropped her robe, revealing a thin nightdress, and sat on the bed beside him.
“
You’re not asleep,” she said quietly.
He made no reply.
“
I got a message today,” she said, running her fingers through his hair. “It was from the council, informing us about the date of the All Hallows Eve Ball in Bangor, Ireland.”
When he still didn’t reply, she sat up on her knees and threw one leg over him, straddling him. His head turned fast at her movement, and his piercing red eyes gazed up at her.
“
Traith, I’ve never been to the ball before,” she continued. “I haven’t been to a ball since…since you bit my lip
.”
She knew she had his attention when she felt his muscles tense underneath her. “And I never even got the chance to finish one dance with you because you left me.”
“
Why do you
do
that?” he asked almost inaudibly, sitting up.
She slid off him and lay down on her side. He turned his back to her, letting his legs dangle off the side of the bed and resting his elbows on his knees.
“
To make a point, Traith. You’re so bad-tempered about—”
“
And you think that makes your point? Having punctured your lip gives me all the more reason to detest dances as well as everything else! Do you honestly think this is what I want to think about now? Rein, it’s been a mere two days since my life was shattered, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t remind me this moment of how I
ruined
yours!”
“
Don’t raise your voice to me,” she retorted. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel worse. I just think you need to get out and stop thinking—”
“
Stop
thinking
?” he asked. “Do you realize what I’ve just recalled? You may have learned about what I did, but even still you cannot possibly think for a
second
that you can understand my pain, whether you saw what I did or not!” He broke down, head in hands. “God Rein,” he whispered. “I can’t think at
all
without…”
She was silent for a moment, but she reached out and grabbed his elbow, pulling him to face her. “Don’t you leave,” she enjoined. “Don’t be afraid to be near me. I’m not afraid that you’ll hurt me.”
“
You bloody should be!” he shouted, ripping off of her, but he sounded choked up. His hands were balled tight. “I can’t be near you right now, Rein,” he murmured. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be…”
“
I
am
afraid of something, Traith,” she uttered softly. “I’m
terrified,
and it’s because you feel that way.”
His head slowly turned to look at her.
“
You and Taverin are the only two people in the world that I have. And when you act like you’re a burden to me, or that you’re frightening, I realize that you’ve changed. When you act like this, I feel utterly alone.”
“
No, Rein,” he replied. “It isn’t—”
“
I don’t want you to fall backward down the hill you’ve been trying to see the top of for so long. I felt like you were so close to accepting things, Traith, and now that this has happened…granted you’re distraught, but…I need you to see that we can get through this. We can get through everything that comes our way, but only if you accept what we are, and that I will always love you.”
He stared deeply at her, and his hand lifted and touched her face.
She pulled him back down onto the bed and held him. “Traith, you know that was not you. Not even remotely. You were being controlled. Why can’t you be happy about the lives you’ve
saved
instead of dwelling on ones you—”
“
Took
? That can never be atoned for, Rein!”
She laid still, stiff. “I’ll always be here, and I don’t think you understand that. You aren’t alone in this world. Never again. And all sins can be atoned for, Traith, but that begins within your heart. What happened is even less
of
your fault than it would’ve been if it had been an accident. You were forced into a position where you weren’t yourself at all.”
“
That isn’t the point,” he whispered. “I was their
son
. They were proud of me. I was in a university. Ana and I were so close. She dreamt of attending the same university I did. She wanted to get a real job, a kind that women were never supposed to have. So much would’ve happened right. They had to watch me as I prepared to
torture
them. As I
was
torturing them. And they loved me, but died in fear and confusion as to why I was hurting them!” He held his head. “I remember fighting so hard to drive out that part of me,” he rasped. “With that scene imbedded, I can’t imagine you not fearing me, or not fearing that I would do the same to
you
. I’m so thankful you don’t, Rein. Please don’t think I take that for granted.”
“
You would never
hurt
me,” she cooed in his ear. “So stop saying that.” She buried her head under his jaw. “All I want is for you to be yourself again, Traith. I just don’t know what it will take to get you there. I understand—”
“
You
don’t
!” he yelled, his voice echoing. “You didn’t drain your parents of life, Rein! You never pumped out your lover’s blood and drank it of your own will!”
“
Then at least I don’t dwell on how
horrible
my life is with a
murderous
man
I
love
,” she said sarcastically, hoarse in anger. “I try with all my
might
to understand what you went through. What you did. Would you prefer me to be scared of you? I’ve forced myself to accept so much in the past months, and I’ve accepted you. The more you do this, the harder you become for me to accept, and I
hate
that!”
He had been silent a while. “I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I just don’t
want
you to understand, Rein. You shouldn’t have to.”
“
Traith, look at me,” she said sighing, becoming passive again. “I have fangs like you. I have red eyes like you. I know your fears. And guess what? I’m successfully living with the
severe problem
you told me I couldn’t live with on that ship. I’m stronger than you think.”
“
You
are
strong. So strong, Rein. I don’t know how you even stayed.”
She cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. “What?”
“
Have you no notion of why I avoided you on the ship?” he continued. “I was fond of you, Rein, but I knew what would happen. I tried not to speak much; I tried to appear—”
“
I know you avoided me, and you probably would’ve been successful if Carden hadn’t given explanations to all of your actions. You would’ve been happier if I had left you alone? So you could live life without me? Do I mean that little to you?”
There was a long pause as Traith grasped for words. “You mean more to me than life, Rein,” he whispered in agony. “And I don’t know what to think. If we had never met, none of this would’ve happened to you. He never would have killed you if you hadn’t been close to me.”
“
So you’re sorry?”