“
Rein, I’m sorry; I don’t
want
to be this.”
“
So my letter—tell me, Traith! What was it supposed to be, a
forewarning
?” She didn’t know what to think about anything. Her mind was numb.
“
Rein…” There was a soft, hushed sound in the way he said her name. His eyes were gentle, and she felt his humanity return.
No, he had never lost his humanity. But she had never heard of a vampire being anything more than a monster that drinks human blood. But she could feel. She didn’t breathe, but she could feel and think and judge.
His hand was outstretched as if to let her hold it. His handsome face was lit through her eyes, but everything he was wearing blended into the darkness. He slowly walked toward her, hesitating every few steps. He knew she was scared of him, of herself, of the entire ordeal. He was trying to comfort her. Why didn’t she let him?
Because he had bitten her. He wasn’t human.
But he
seemed
human.
Her thoughts were so jumbled that she could barely hear or see.
“
Oh God,” she murmured. “I’m going to need to feed on
people
?”
“
No!” he said, drawing back a little. “Never people, Rein, never.”
Rein was lost inside herself, in a place where both her dreams and nightmares occurred, a place that she knew Traith could not follow, no matter how hard he might try.
He began to speak frantically; she had never seen him like this. “
I
don’t do it,” he said louder to calm her down. “I don’t
feed
on anything!”
“
You fed on me!
” She felt so cold when she said that. She loved him; it frightened her to a standstill when she thought of how she could, but she did… she loved a vampire.
“
No,” he spoke softly to her, as if cut to the heart. “I didn’t. It was only to allow you to have another chance. I’m not an animal, Rein. I’m not like that.”
She thought she didn’t care about what he thought, but she did. He was hurting as much as she was. How long had he been hurting? How long had he been a vampire?
A
vampire
?
How was that even real? Even possible?
Everything he had been hiding, every secret, every excuse he had given to her, it was because he didn’t want her to know. But he always acted like a normal
person
.
His head was down. His eyes were closed tightly, and his eyebrows dipped down over them. She was scared for him, too. She wanted to embrace him.
Why? Why, when he had
drained
her?
Rein stared at her whitened hands and stifled an airless cry, trying desperately to recover her voice.
“
Rein,” he said unsteadily. “I never meant to lie about anything. H-how could I have
told
you about this?” He stopped.
He was tearing her heart in two.
“
You would have been so frightened of me, and I didn’t want that!” he continued. “I don’t want
this
! I feel for you what I have never felt before. Rein, I didn’t know what else to do.”
She sat numbly at the vanity, looking into the empty mirror. Suddenly she drew up her hands in fists and hit the mirror in an uncontrollable outburst of confusion, fury, and tears, and then put her head in her hands and sobbed. She felt his eyes watching in helplessness as her shoulders shook in despair.
“
It was my only choice,” he said in a whisper. “I never loved before, Rein, and I…I love you, Rein. And no matter what, I can’t control that.”
He’d said it. She had never heard him say it. That made her even more miserable.
“
I couldn’t let you be completely gone from me,” he said. “Your heart, your trust—I could never really believe that I had such a thing. But for that to just be gone?” He took a seat on the bed, remaining stiff and tense, as if afraid she would make a sudden movement toward him. “I only wanted you to be able to have a chance at life again, and this is all I could offer. If you don’t want that, I can let you fall into death again. I’m not mad, Rein, and I know right now you might hate the very thought of me. I know your pain, but I saw no other choice. I’m still the same man you knew before.” He sighed. “Now you must understand, Rein, why I couldn’t tell you.”
“
I just…I can’t feel. I’m so scared, I don’t know what to think!”
“
Do you trust me at all anymore, Rein?” he asked.
He had spoken quietly. It seemed as though her inappropriate, meaningless words had made him give up trying to win her love back. He didn’t know he still had it and always would. She was more infatuated now than ever with him, despite whatever he, and now she, too, was.
She didn’t turn to look at him, but lifted her head. So many different thoughts were spinning through her mind. What was she supposed to do now? Would she live forever, drinking blood and taking pleasure in the taste and aroma of it? Was that possible? She had to face the facts laid before her: she loved a vampire. A
vampire
. A man she so desperately valued. But he had made her into the same.
“
I do trust you,” she replied softly. “I am too afraid to disappear, Traith, into nonexistence. Into death. I don’t hate you, I
don’t
!”
She got up and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Once she was in the hall she covered her face with her hands. He called her name.
She always liked the way he said her name.
She didn’t know where she was going. To the captain, perhaps? To kill him? To do what? She couldn’t walk far away from Traith.
She needed him.
Chapter 26
Traith departed from Rein’s quarters just as fast as she had, running after her down the ship’s corridors. He knew who she wanted.
He caught up to her and grabbed her arm, but she pulled away and kept walking. “Rein, please, listen to me. Forget what I—”
“
Forget what you
are
?” she cried.
“
I didn’t want this, Rein,” he said more assertively. “I wasn’t
born
a
vampire
! I was twenty-three years old, living a normal life! Twenty-three! I had so much more life to live, and now I have nothing! And I felt something for you. My intention was not for you to lose the rest of your life as I had, but he killed you, and you lost it anyway! If you don’t want to live, I can arrange your death.” His final words seemed to sting his lips.
She backed up, staring at him. She feared him, and he knew. “I love you, Traith,” she said, crying. “But I’m
scared
of you; I don’t want to be.”
“
Rein!” He called after her when she began to run, and she immediately stopped, never facing him. “Rein, please don’t be afraid of me. Please. Hear me. Hear me out. Hear my side.” His voice was quivering.
She fell to the floor in despair, holding her head. His eyes were fixed on her, and he stood back from her as she cried. Her body was tightened in a crouch on the ground. She imagined herself falling apart, having the threads of her body come undone, but as hard as she tried to want that, she couldn’t.
“
What can I do?” Traith asked softly after a pause, bending down in front of her, slowly falling onto his knees. “What can I do to make this easier? I never meant so much pain to come to you. Not you. Please, Rein, look at me,” he said as he knelt down and lifted her face to his. “Am I that horrifying that you cannot even bear to look at me anymore? Please; I don’t want to scare you.”
She looked up into his pleading eyes, tightly closing her mouth.
“
You couldn’t imagine how much I wanted to look normal for you.” His voice was miserable. “I’m sorry, please,” he whispered.
She was cooling; she was calming herself down. Her panic was over. She had no more energy left to be hysterical. It was over; the shock was over.
Instead of speaking her feelings, Rein showed them to him. She threw her arms around his waist and buried herself in his chest. She wasn’t afraid of him. She was afraid of the situation. Never
him
. Then she felt his arms lightly cross her back. Very lightly, as if he didn’t know how to respond. She was crying in his arms. She could smell the cologne on his skin.
Then she noticed something fall from him. She pulled back and glanced into his burning eyes, and then glanced down. There was a small crucifix and chain on the floor. She had never seen it before.
“
How can you wear a cross?” she stuttered and stopped herself to regain her voice. “How are you able?” She paused a second time as he spotted what had fallen from his inner shirt pocket. “A crucifix—doesn’t that harm vampires, Traith?”
She sensed his sorrow and had to stop. His face was so sad. She saw his sincerity; he
was
remorseful. She knew he was. She trusted him. That letter—it was true. Her father was dead. Her house was sold. Where was she to go?
But it was finished, now.
“
God holds no curse against me,” he muttered. “He holds no resentment against something even as ostensibly depraved as a vampire, as long as it has a pure and just heart, and despite everything, I do have one.” Rein felt relieved at his words. “My intentions were always pure,” he said, picking the crucifix up off the ground and placing it in her hands, closing them. “They always were. You brought such a deep feeling out of me. I always tried to hide it, even after I met you, but the captain could see the little bit of it I must have shown near you. That’s why he poisoned you, to make
me
suffer.”
She knew, then, that she was sulking over something that could not be undone without death. True death. She felt such a sudden sympathy for Traith that she could not explain, nearly forgetting her own novel and terrifying situation.
“
I believe you,” she said. “I
love
you.”
His eyes, piercing and bright, softened, and she felt like she could swim and sleep in them with inexpressible comfort. His touch probably felt so divine.
“
I will kill him, Rein,” he said, his gentleness turning bitter as he stood. “I will, I promise you.”
“
Traith?” she called.
He turned to look at her and waited.
“
I’ll never see America, will I? We were never going—”
“
No, we never were.”
“
Did you always know?” she asked despondently.
He paused. “No, I didn’t.”
She felt as if she were dreaming. “What do I look like now?”
He watched her for a few moments without answering. “Rein, I will explain this to you, but not now. Too much has already been said. Trust me. I only want to protect you.”
Just as he was about to say something else he was drowned out by a loud, deep shout. He turned his head; it was Romanoff yelling his name in the lobby a few feet down.
“
Carden?” Traith murmured. His voice grew louder. “Carden, what are you doing? What’s wrong?”
“
She killed herself!” the Frenchman yelled from the end of the hall. “Saria is
dead
!”
Traith looked at him, bewildered, and glanced back at Rein. She was frozen. She had forgotten about Saria. Saria had been blue. Romanoff also had to be a vampire. Saria must’ve been bitten, too. But why was she dead? How was that possible? And Edgar?
“
W-what?” Rein spoke, trembling. Her heart plummeted. “You’re mistaken…you…” she burst. “You’ve
got to be mistaken, no!
”
“
Dear God,” she heard Traith mutter. “Carden, come with me!”
“
Rein
stayed
?”
Traith groaned nervously as he followed Romanoff’s stare over to Rein. Suddenly, bitterly, angrily, Romanoff backed up and ran out of sight, ignoring Traith’s beckon. Traith left Rein and ran after him, and she heard him swear. She stood, trembling, but managed to follow him.
Traith was standing with his back to her. His legs were wide apart. His hands were out by his sides, not touching his body. She heard him moaning lowly. Romanoff had disappeared.
By this time, the other passengers, who had been sitting and mingling on sofas and stools at chess tables, began to stare vehemently in anger at the situation. They all blurred translucent and hovered toward Traith. She nearly fell in a faint, but Traith turned swiftly to her. In a blink, she was directly in front of him by the port door.
“
Oh my God, what did you
just
do
?” she asked hysterically. “How did we—?”
“
Trust me for now, please,” Traith urged, holding her shoulders. “I will tell you everything, but not yet.”
What could he do? Make himself be anywhere he wanted?
“
We need to leave here, now,” Traith said, trying to ignore the disgusting glares of the others. “The captain is across the deck, through the port door, and down that lone hallway. The one you never went down.”