Authors: Kelly Varesio
Insperatus (18 page)
She stepped out of her chamber and turned with regret, staring at room 1270. It produced for her such an intense chill, and she stood to watch the door for a moment.
No, she had not seen him for days, but she knew he had not left his stateroom in that interval of time. He had been in there since their kiss. She knew, for she listened often. She searched the ship for him with a detached air, as if merely exploring it. When she listened, she could hear him shuffling around, pacing; she heard things fall, break. She wondered with sorrow what his chamber looked like. She knew that she had heard him smash and shatter things; therefore, his room must be a broken wreck. She knew he hadn’t eaten for days and often felt as if she should speak to him, but she couldn’t. He was in there, just in depression. But he was in there.
She was right in front of room 1270. He was right inside, right in front of her, beyond a single door. But that door meant everything. There had been many times she had tried to knock, and every time she hesitated. Her hand sometimes even lifted to the knocker, grasping it, but she just couldn’t. She would drop it slowly, without a sound, and continue the other way down the hall. She didn’t know what she would say or do around him. She had not seen him since their broken kiss, and though her lip was nearly healed, she knew if he saw it, it would pain him.
Rein walked away, not having heard anything of note.
She entered the atrium and saw Saria sitting out in the drink lounge again, probably waiting for Carden. Rein could’ve sworn she had been there since their voyage had begun, and instead of meeting her as she had first proposed, Rein waved to her courteously and looked up at the dining hall. She walked through the entrance, and a hand on her shoulder made her heart lift. Turning with excitement, she frowned—it was the captain. She had not seen him since the ball, either.
“
Good afternoon, Miss Pierson,” he said. “Come to my dining hall and grab a bite to eat, won’t you?”
Good afternoon, Miss Pierson,” he said. “Come to my dining hall and grab a bite to eat, won’t you?”
That’s what she wanted to do, but not alone. “In a few minutes,” she said. “I was just thinking.”
He nodded; she couldn’t figure out where he was staring since his eyes were entirely white. “With your friend Miss Kendrick, perhaps. Or Mr. Harker would be fine, too.”
He gave her a slight wink and removed his hand from her shoulder, entering further into the dining hall. A chill ran down her spine as she thought about the vial he had dropped.
What had it meant?
It was spilled blood. She thought about it and became quietly terrified.
But Traith was still on this ship. He was still there, and protective, and probably watching silently where no one could see. That was how he worked. But she couldn’t solely rely on that theory, could she?
The captain snickered violently and stared at her a moment before turning a corner and disappearing, leaving her hanging onto a thread of valor. She was, in all aspects of life, a sensible young lady, but her coolness was beginning to give way. Too much was happening, and there was something more to it all. She turned out of the dining hall and walked up to Saria, taking a seat quietly next to her.
Saria glanced over, a bit surprised at Rein’s arrival.
“
Have you eaten?” Rein asked disconnectedly.
Have you eaten?” Rein asked disconnectedly.
“
Yes, I am sorry,” Saria replied, fixing her no longer surprised look down at her glass. “Carden is coming back now, and we were going to talk. Why don’t you just go grab something to eat quickly now so you can come join us?”
Yes, I am sorry,” Saria replied, fixing her no longer surprised look down at her glass. “Carden is coming back now, and we were going to talk. Why don’t you just go grab something to eat quickly now so you can come join us?”
Rein glanced down. “All right,” she said softly.
Saria meant to look sad, or at least that was what Rein figured. But as soon as she saw Carden coming from down the
V-Wing
, she brightened, and Rein left her without another word.
V-Wing
, she brightened, and Rein left her without another word.
She was inside the dining hall again by the time she shoved her thoughts aside. When she looked around, however, she found herself intrigued with the décor of the room. Though she hadn’t noticed it before, each and every one of the stone walls were carved with intricate designs: wars and battles, cupids and God, horses and carriages, showcases and opera houses. Somehow, all were entwined within each other, making the room look dizzy and large, almost like a cathedral ceiling.
The tables, too, were old-fashioned; wooden chairs or stools occupied each one, along with candelabras in their centers, and the floor was red. As her mind wandered, she noticed a small, empty table toward the back.
A shadow of a man opened a door in the back of the dining room and took a seat as silently as possible. Her throat became dry. Traith.
Her empty heart was fueled immediately when she laid eyes on him. He looked no different, save bristles grown back around his jaw.
She glanced back at Saria, whom she could see through the dining hall glass windows. Saria was laughing. Rein saw Romanoff take a seat beside Saria, looking to the back door where Traith had just entered, pulling down his vest with a satisfied expression on his face. Then she knew that the two had done it; had set them up to meet again, for the first time since the ball.
She looked side to side and then slowly began to walk to the table in the corner without the candelabra. She figured she might as well approach him, since it was probably the hidden plan anyway between her friend and his. She’d been looking for him for days. They had to speak again. The subject had to come up, and her concern needed to be addressed.
A man placed a glass of wine in front of Traith, but he didn’t even acknowledge it. He had taken up a small book. He had not yet spotted her.
She begged pardon from those she had to pass, slowly making her way to the back of the room, wondering what she was going to say to him when in speaking distance.
He looked up; his cheeks smooth and tight under bristles. But he still wasn’t looking at her. His head turned slowly, as if taking in each and every person dining there. His face seemed frustrated, and for a moment she thought it might not be a good idea to approach him. But again Romanoff’s words seemed to ring in her mind, lightening her uncertainty: “
He will not turn you away, I assure you.
” Why was that? She didn’t want to question.
He will not turn you away, I assure you.
” Why was that? She didn’t want to question.
He finally was facing her. His eyes immediately locked onto hers.
He did not move.
She had to.
She neared his table and smiled very lightly. She saw his head tilt down as he had done when he didn’t want her to see his eyes.
“
Good afternoon, Traith,” she choked, swallowing hard.
Good afternoon, Traith,” she choked, swallowing hard.
“
Rein,” he murmured informally, gradually forcing himself to look up at her. “Please sit.”
Rein,” he murmured informally, gradually forcing himself to look up at her. “Please sit.”
“
Traith,” she pushed to say, watching his frigid apprehension. She had to say it, somehow. It had to come out. “I don’t care what happened—”
Traith,” she pushed to say, watching his frigid apprehension. She had to say it, somehow. It had to come out. “I don’t care what happened—”
“
You should, Rein,” he countered. “I should never have kissed you.” The emotion in his rough voice was enough to tell her that he was hurting, but, to her surprise, it was he who began speaking again. “I know you must be horribly disturbed as to why things happened as they did.” His last words trailed off as if he didn’t want her to hear them. “And about other things.”
You should, Rein,” he countered. “I should never have kissed you.” The emotion in his rough voice was enough to tell her that he was hurting, but, to her surprise, it was he who began speaking again. “I know you must be horribly disturbed as to why things happened as they did.” His last words trailed off as if he didn’t want her to hear them. “And about other things.”
“
Yes,” she said, her voice as soft as a whisper. She was content that the topic had quickly come about. “I was disturbed.” She found that speaking to him was becoming progressively easier. “But it wasn’t because of my lip.” He stayed as stone, and she went on with strained words. “It was because you disappeared like you did. For days.”
Yes,” she said, her voice as soft as a whisper. She was content that the topic had quickly come about. “I was disturbed.” She found that speaking to him was becoming progressively easier. “But it wasn’t because of my lip.” He stayed as stone, and she went on with strained words. “It was because you disappeared like you did. For days.”
He said nothing after she had spoken.
She held back a flow of tears. “I’m leaving this ship in a few days,” she winced. “And I’m going to leave you. Does that make you feel nothing?”
She was throwing her respectable composure completely away. She didn’t mean to; she didn’t even want to, but she was pouring things out to him without control.
“
I do feel something,” he replied in a whispered tone.
I do feel something,” he replied in a whispered tone.
“
Then please, Traith,” she said desperately. “It’s not fair to let me leave without even giving me a true explanation of everything that’s happened to me. I’m afraid.” His head raised, and he gazed at her, and she continued at his stare’s command. She was losing her voice to tears. “Don’t lie to me anymore.”
Then please, Traith,” she said desperately. “It’s not fair to let me leave without even giving me a true explanation of everything that’s happened to me. I’m afraid.” His head raised, and he gazed at her, and she continued at his stare’s command. She was losing her voice to tears. “Don’t lie to me anymore.”
He was watching her with the utmost intent. He was quiet for a moment after she paused. “I’m sorry,” he finally said. And it was the only thing he said. He was short of words, but his mouth moved in small gasps as if he was trying to articulate something to her.
“
I trusted you, and yet you still lied to me for fear of my reaction to the truth,” Rein said, despite his attempt to speak further. “And it doesn’t matter what happened at the ball days ago; I don’t want my trust in you to change. Don’t allow me to be wrong about that feeling.” Another pause ensued. “Because I yearn for it.”
I trusted you, and yet you still lied to me for fear of my reaction to the truth,” Rein said, despite his attempt to speak further. “And it doesn’t matter what happened at the ball days ago; I don’t want my trust in you to change. Don’t allow me to be wrong about that feeling.” Another pause ensued. “Because I yearn for it.”
His beautiful red eyes always tried to gaze at her, but he pulled them away in discomfort. “I wish I could explain to you,” he muttered in reply. “I just can’t. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t
want
to lie about anything.”
want
to lie about anything.”
“
Then don’t,” she countered in aggravation. “You can explain to me. I am genuine, Traith. I can listen and help and keep secrets, I swear to you. I just need some kind of understanding, and I know there is an explanation. I know you have one, and I know something is wrong. I don’t know whether I should interrogate you or let you maintain your mystery. Perhaps I don’t want the real answer, but nothing can develop if you continue hiding such vital secrets.” Her voice was so hoarse, and she thought for a moment that she couldn’t have sounded elegant. “You don’t have to hide them from me.”
Then don’t,” she countered in aggravation. “You can explain to me. I am genuine, Traith. I can listen and help and keep secrets, I swear to you. I just need some kind of understanding, and I know there is an explanation. I know you have one, and I know something is wrong. I don’t know whether I should interrogate you or let you maintain your mystery. Perhaps I don’t want the real answer, but nothing can develop if you continue hiding such vital secrets.” Her voice was so hoarse, and she thought for a moment that she couldn’t have sounded elegant. “You don’t have to hide them from me.”
“
I do trust you,” he stammered. “I
do
.” He began to wince as he spoke. “You don’t understand; I
can’t
tell you.”
I do trust you,” he stammered. “I
do
.” He began to wince as he spoke. “You don’t understand; I
can’t
tell you.”
“
You can’t tell me?” she repeated. “But that isn’t an answer.”
You can’t tell me?” she repeated. “But that isn’t an answer.”
“
I want to, but I can’t. I feel more than just trust for you, Rein.”
I want to, but I can’t. I feel more than just trust for you, Rein.”
She wanted to think about that sentence forever.
“
I don’t think anything could be strong enough,” he began softly, “not trust, not even love, to handle living with…” He stopped. “You’re right, Rein, about my having an explanation. Something is wrong with me, Rein. Terribly wrong. It isn’t in my head or in a physical deformity, other than what you see in my features. It’s difficult—no—impossible to describe.” He looked down and held his hands together. He was trembling.
I don’t think anything could be strong enough,” he began softly, “not trust, not even love, to handle living with…” He stopped. “You’re right, Rein, about my having an explanation. Something is wrong with me, Rein. Terribly wrong. It isn’t in my head or in a physical deformity, other than what you see in my features. It’s difficult—no—impossible to describe.” He looked down and held his hands together. He was trembling.
She saw it but found it hard to keep her eyes from him. She didn’t know how to answer that. “I just wish you wouldn’t have left when it happened,” she whispered. “No matter what
is
wrong with you.” She stared hard at him. “And I think I know what it is.”
is
wrong with you.” She stared hard at him. “And I think I know what it is.”
He didn’t look at her. She saw his gaze was up and forward, and he wasn’t focused on her, but on the captain, who she saw as she turned to see what he was looking at. He was wandering the area aimlessly. Traith directed his attention back to her, looking into her eyes, concern building up within him. He was searching inside for an answer.
“
Can you begin somewhere?” She heard her voice quiver slightly. “If you will not say your problem, please tell me something. Why did you come here? You were forced to? I suppose I’m not allowed to know that either.”
Can you begin somewhere?” She heard her voice quiver slightly. “If you will not say your problem, please tell me something. Why did you come here? You were forced to? I suppose I’m not allowed to know that either.”
His face became deathly sober.
“
But you came for work for the Mistress?”
But you came for work for the Mistress?”
He stumbled to answer. “Yes—well, I dare not explain it all. I never wanted it to be this way, Rein. Please know that.”
“
What did you work at, Traith? What was your work?”
What did you work at, Traith? What was your work?”
“
I never worked because I had the money.” She didn’t say anything to him, but he had contradicted himself. He had said he was not rich; he had to know he was giving her a different answer. “I’ve always studied medicine and science,” he said, still quiet. “Mistress needed that.”
I never worked because I had the money.” She didn’t say anything to him, but he had contradicted himself. He had said he was not rich; he had to know he was giving her a different answer. “I’ve always studied medicine and science,” he said, still quiet. “Mistress needed that.”
“
Which are you more like?” Rein asked weakly. “A scientist or a surgeon?”
Which are you more like?” Rein asked weakly. “A scientist or a surgeon?”
He chuckled to himself without even smiling. “I am a little of both, I suppose. Not quite a doctor, but not quite a scientist, either.”
“
Oh,” she replied quietly, swallowing. “Well, what about family, Traith? Do you have any siblings? Parents?”
Oh,” she replied quietly, swallowing. “Well, what about family, Traith? Do you have any siblings? Parents?”
“
Only a sister,” he said with clenched teeth. “I don’t know what happened to my parents.”
Only a sister,” he said with clenched teeth. “I don’t know what happened to my parents.”
It wasn’t enough; the information was not enough. “I think you should tell me your imperfection, Traith. Suppose you came off the ship with me in New Jersey. We can work with whatever is wrong with you.”
“
No, you couldn’t.” He clenched his jaws and cringed. “It is much too severe.”
No, you couldn’t.” He clenched his jaws and cringed. “It is much too severe.”
“
I see nothing severely wrong about you, Traith.”
I see nothing severely wrong about you, Traith.”
“
You would after a while. I am obligated to stay here, Miss Pierson; I couldn’t leave, not even if I bloody tried.” She became cold at his last words. “I have.”
You would after a while. I am obligated to stay here, Miss Pierson; I couldn’t leave, not even if I bloody tried.” She became cold at his last words. “I have.”
“
Please,” she said quietly, after a moment. “Don’t call me that anymore. Not Miss Pierson. I feel as if it means you are bidding me farewell.”
Please,” she said quietly, after a moment. “Don’t call me that anymore. Not Miss Pierson. I feel as if it means you are bidding me farewell.”
“
That was not my intent,” he said in whisper.
That was not my intent,” he said in whisper.
She felt her throat burning. “Do you realize,” she murmured, “that every time I’ve ever talked to you, you’ve left me by walking away? Every time.”
He didn’t answer, his head hanging down.
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