I Am Not a Slut: Slut-Shaming in the Age of the Internet (40 page)

If your daughter has sent naked photos of herself, she may have felt coerced. If she sent naked photos freely with no coercion, remember that you were a teenager once too. The same applies for your son. Engage in dialogue about the risks of sending sexually provocative photos, videos, and texts. Tell your child that if she or he receives a forwarded sext originally sent by a third person, it must be deleted immediately and never forwarded to anyone else.

Do teach your children to drink responsibly.

If your child is never permitted to drink even a sip of alcohol, you are setting her or him up to go wild and drink uncontrollably—and experience severely impaired judgment, not to mention physical illness—when she or he is not under your watch. Whether you like it or not, drinking is a major element of socializing on college campuses and even among many high school students. Chances are strong that your child will drink even when underage—to have a good time, to fit in with friends, or perhaps to cope with depression or anxiety. Coach your child to sip slowly and not to exceed the limit she or he can handle (for girls, this may be two drinks). That way, your child will appear to be sociable and agreeable without becoming drunk.

If you have a son, teach him that being wasted is never an excuse for behaving immorally or criminally. If he drinks and then bullies, harasses, or assaults another individual because his judgment is impaired, he and not the alcohol is to blame. Having sex with someone who is inebriated and incapable of consenting is criminal and immoral.

Don’t insult your daughter over her clothing choices.

Don’t tell her that her clothes make her look like a “slut,” “ho,” “skank,” “
puta
,” or anything similar. She probably puts a great deal of thought into her outfits. She may feel good about her appearance (and you want her to feel good about her appearance). If you strongly believe that her clothing is inappropriate for her age or for the occasion, calmly explain
that your feelings are about her clothing and not a judgment against her personally. Say something supportive such as, “You look fantastic in that outfit! But unfortunately, many people are not as enlightened as you are about girls revealing their bodies, and they may treat you like a sexual object if you wear that outfit. They’re wrong, but we need to watch out for people like that to stay safe. As your parent, it’s my job to make sure you don’t get hurt by people like that.”

Don’t threaten to throw away her clothes.

If you do, you take the risk that she will change her outfit after she leaves your presence, and you will lose all control.

Do be willing to compromise over clothing.

Even if your daughter is wearing clothes that are overtly sexually provocative, her intent might not be sexual. Work together with her to plan outfits that will get her the social approval she desires while minimizing unwanted sexual attention and objectification. Remember, she is still learning what is and what is not appropriate in different contexts, but her idea of “appropriate” and even “sexual” is vastly different from yours. For example, if she’s wearing tight leggings and a tight top, you could talk with her about changing only the top and exchanging it for something looser, or vice versa. Let
her feel in control of her style, but make sure you set firm limits as to how much of her body she exposes.

Don’t tell your children (verbally or nonverbally) that teenage sex is bad and that if they are having sex, you don’t want to know about it.

If your daughter or son becomes sexually active and perceives that you are unsupportive, she or he will not come to you when she or he needs advice or help. In fact, telling your daughter or son not to be sexually active could motivate her or him to become sexually active purely as an act of rebellion.

Do tell your children often that no matter what, they can always come to you with questions about sexuality.

Even if you strongly believe that kids in high school should never be sexually active, you need to be prepared that your children’s reality may not match your ideals.

Don’t avoid discussion of sexual assault.

Don’t assume that sexual assault is something you don’t need to talk about because it is rare. Sexual assault is much
more common than you might think—nearly one in five women in the United States has been raped or has experienced attempted rape; almost half of these women have been raped before the age of eighteen, with 80 percent raped before the age of twenty-five—and it nearly always involves people who know each other and may even consider themselves friends.

Do talk about consent early and often.

It is never too early to discuss the idea of consent with your child. Your children need to understand that regardless of the circumstances, no one should ever touch another’s body without explicit consent. If someone is unable to explicitly give consent because she or he is drunk or passed out, then consent is absent and touching that person’s body is both immoral and criminal. It is never OK to take advantage of someone who is drunk, even if you don’t respect her or him for getting so drunk in the first place.

Do talk to your children about the responsibilities of bystanders.

Your daughter and son should know that if they see someone being victimized or vulnerable to being victimized, it is their responsibility to intervene—even if they dislike the
victim. As Franchesca Ramsey advises in her video “How Slut Shaming Becomes Victim Blaming,” “there’s no reason that a guy can’t step in at a bar and say, ‘Hey, dude, this girl is wasted, I don’t think she wants to go home with you. Let’s put her in a cab.’” Likewise, your daughter can put her arm around a drunken female at a party, steering her away from guys who might think she’s fair game for sexual activity despite the fact that she’s unable to consent, and either watch over her or help get her home.

Do monitor your child’s Internet and social media use.

Tell them in what ways and how often you are monitoring them. If your child is engaging in slut-shaming behavior online, initiate a dialogue on why this is a problem and how it can backfire. If your daughter posts only sexualized photos of herself, talk with her about the fact that many people will unfairly make assumptions about her sexuality, which may or may not be true, based on the images they see of her online.

Don’t spy on your child’s Internet and social media use without her or his knowledge.

If your child then finds out, she will be less likely to confide in you when she needs your help.

If your daughter tells you she’s been labeled a slut or otherwise victimized, don’t ask her what she did to provoke the victimization.

Whether she’s been slut-bashed online or in person, had a naked photo distributed against her will, or been sexually assaulted, she did nothing to deserve being treated this way. If you ask her what she did to cause the victimization, you are suggesting that she is at fault. Help her construct a timeline of events leading up to the victimization in case she decides in the future to file a formal complaint. Make sure that when you ask informational questions about the order of events, you do not express judgment against her actions.

Do tell your daughter that you believe her if she tells you she’s been sexually assaulted.

Being supportive by believing her is the most important thing you can do. Many people will not believe her. If she chooses to speak out about her assault, many people will intentionally make her feel isolated, scared, and humiliated. Your belief in her will help her heal.

Don’t ever call other females “sluts,” even in a humorous or affectionate way, and certainly never in a judgmental way.

The best way to eliminate slut-shaming is to stop using the word.

Do be a role model to your children by treating all girls and women with respect.

Show them with words and actions that you respect girls and women who have been called sluts and who have been assaulted. Let your children know that even if you disagree with an individual woman’s sexual choices, she still deserves to be treated with respect.

APPENDIX B

The Slut-Shaming Self-Defense Toolkit

Girls and young women: It’s never your fault for being slut-shamed or assaulted. The ultimate goals described in this book are to eliminate slut-shaming and to redirect blame for sexual assault onto those responsible for it: the assaulters.

Until we are able to achieve these goals, you can take steps to minimize your personal risk. Please remember that whether or not you take these steps, you never deserve to be harassed or assaulted.

Don’t binge-drink.

Yes, you want to drink with your friends. Fine—but keep your drinking under control. Even friends can do terrible things to each other when they’re drunk, so don’t assume that you’re safe no matter how drunk you become just because you’re with your friends. If your friends pressure you to drink more than you want, hold a cup of alcohol in your hand
throughout the evening, taking small sips occasionally. No one needs to know that you’re deliberately controlling your consumption. If you choose to drink excessively, discuss it in advance with a trusted friend who is not drinking excessively, and ask her or him to look out for you.

Don’t dress in a sexually provocative manner unless you want to be looked at sexually and can handle being reduced to a sexual object,

since unfortunately that may be the result of your attire. Everyone’s clothing choices send a message. If you don’t want your message to be “I like showing off my body in public,” then don’t show off your body in public. If that is precisely the message you do want to transmit, then be aware of how others perceive you.

Think twice before sending a seminaked or fully naked photo of yourself to someone.

You trust him now, but will he be trustworthy in six months? Is he the type of guy who likes to show off for his friends? And what about his friends—how trustworthy are they? He may send the photo to one friend, and that friend might forward it to hundreds. Make sure your eyes are wide open about the risks involved before doing something like this.

Intervene when another girl is called a slut or a ho, or if she’s in a situation in which she may end up being called a slut or a ho.

Don’t stand by quietly without speaking up. Girls and women have to watch out for each other—even if they don’t like each other. If you have your peers’ backs, they will have yours.

If you are called a slut or ho, confide in an adult and keep a written log of all actions made against you.

Take screenshots and print out hard copies of all messages, photos, and videos sent to you that constitute harassment. You might need these records in the future if you ever decide to file a formal complaint.

Don’t call other girls or women sluts or hos.

You might think it’s funny and flippant, but the more we spread these words, the more acceptable they become, putting all females at risk for being maligned as sexually abnormal.

Bond with other girls and women at your school.

Create a club to discuss slut-shaming. Build awareness within your community that slut-shaming will not be tolerated. Get together with other women—and, if you feel comfortable doing so, with guys—to talk about sexuality. Invite teachers and other adults to join the conversation.

Remember: No matter what you have done, you are not a slut.

And neither is anyone else.

APPENDIX C

Resources

Information on Sexuality, Birth Control, and Abortion

ADVOCATES FOR YOUTH

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/for-professionals/sex-education-resource-center

2000 M Street, NW, Suite 750

Washington, DC 20036

202-419-3420

Advocates for Youth is a nonprofit organization dedicated to sexuality education, the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and teenage pregnancy, youth access to birth control, and equality for LGBT youth.

COMMONSENSE MEDIA

www.commonsensemedia.org

650 Townsend Street, Suite 435

San Francisco, CA 94103

415-863-0600

Commonsense Media advocates for children and families and studies the effects that media and technology have on young users.

GUTTMACHER INSTITUTE

www.guttmacher.org

125 Maiden Lane, 7th Floor

New York, NY 10038

212-248-1111

Toll-free: 1-800-355-0244

The Guttmacher Institute is a nonprofit organization that works to advance reproductive health, including abortion rights, through research, policy analysis, and public education.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD FEDERATION OF AMERICA

www.plannedparenthood.org

434 West 33rd Street

New York, NY 10001

212-541-7800

Planned Parenthood, a leading national provider of reproductive health care, is also a leader in educating Americans about reproductive and sexual health. More than one million youths and adults participate in Planned Parenthood educational programs every year.

SEXUALITY INFORMATION AND EDUCATION COUNCIL OF THE UNITED STATES (SIECUS)

www.siecus.org

90 John Street, Suite 402

New York, NY 10038

212-819-9770

SIECUS is dedicated to affirming that sexuality is a natural and healthy part of life. A pioneer in the area of comprehensive sex education, SIECUS develops, collects, and distributes information about sexuality.

If You’ve Been Harassed, Bullied, or Assaulted

EDACTNOW

http://www.change.org/organizations/ed_act_now

EdActNow is a national student collective of survivor-activists working to stop campus gender-based and sexual violence of all forms.