Huckleberry Hearts (30 page)

Chapter Twenty-Five

Zach dragged himself down the hall to the exam room.

How long had it been since Austin died? Two weeks? Three? He remembered going to the funeral, but he couldn't remember how many days had passed since his world had come crashing down. Again.

At the funeral, the pastor had talked about Jesus admonishing his disciples to suffer the little children to come unto him, and how Austin had hopes of a better resurrection. Only concern for Jamie had kept Zach from getting up and storming out during the sermon. How could the pastor talk about hope for resurrection when God hadn't even given Austin or Zach's dad hope for a long life?

Zach lifted the chart hanging on the door and walked into the room where his next patient waited.

He wished he'd called in sick today.

Anna Helmuth sat on the exam table with a delighted twinkle in her eye as if she were about to take a trip to Disneyland. Zach couldn't have been less happy to see anyone, including Blair. Anna's presence dredged up not only several painful memories of Huckleberry Hill, but also the profound sense that he'd lost something important that he'd never get back.

But it wasn't as if he wanted it back. The angel with the pink dress and the curly golden hair was nothing more than an illusion. He preferred to live in the real world, thank you very much.

“Dr. Reynolds!” Anna said, as if she loved him with all her heart.

He forced a professional smile onto his face, which was the only smile he could manage these days, and shook Anna's hand. Felty sat next to her on the table, but thankfully, Cassie was not with them. Even though he didn't believe in God anymore, he almost said a prayer of thanks that she had been wise enough to stay away. “Anna, it looks like it's time to get you back on your feet. How is the foot feeling?”

Anna raised her eyebrows as if to scold him. “Don't get me wrong, Doctor. The home health nurse is a wonderful girl named Erika, but she isn't you. I promised myself that we wouldn't let you starve. How can we feed you if you won't come over?”

“Working at the hospital keeps me busy,” Zach said, staring at Anna's chart so he wouldn't have to look into her dancing blue eyes that seemed to see things he'd rather keep secret.

Anna reached out and squeezed his arm. “You've lost weight, Doctor. Too much. Come for dinner tomorrow, and I'll cook my famous Indonesian Beef Stew. It's a vegetarian dish.”

“I'm sorry, Anna. I'm finishing up my first year of residency in a couple of months. I have to spend a lot of time at the hospital.”

Anna looked as if she were concentrating on a difficult math problem. “What if I had Cassie make cookies?”

Cookies.

Every muscle pulled taut. Oh, she'd made cookies, all right. A heaping plate of orange–macadamia nut cookies that he had chucked into the garbage can as soon as he saw them. He didn't want her cookies. He didn't want her sympathy. And he most certainly didn't want her religion.

He tried to ignore the mountain of guilt that buried him every time he imagined that scene at the door with Blair in all her half-dressed glory. She thought it was so cute to dress up in his clothes. To Cassie, the pink shirt, the leggy brunette, and the realization of what she
thought
Zach had done must have been a slap in the face.

She'd given
him
a slap in the face when she had assumed that he had actually slept with Blair. If nothing else, that little incident at the door had made it clear to Zach what Cassie truly thought of him. All those weeks of his trying to be a good man, and she had still assumed the worst. She had never really believed in him in the first place.

He wasn't about to enlighten her on what had really happened or not happened with Blair. Let Cassie think the worst. They'd both be better off that way. She could go on feeling hurt and betrayed by what she thought he'd done to her, and he could go on feeling deceived and betrayed by Cassie and God.

He was through with Cassie. What did he care if she thought he was sinful and worthless? He would never live up to Cassie's ideal of a godly man anyway.

Still, letting Blair into his apartment had been a mistake. With all her talk about “no strings attached,” she certainly wanted to tie some pretty strong knots. That morning after bacon and pancakes with homemade maple syrup, he had told her that they were really and truly over and that he wouldn't be answering her texts or phone calls ever again.

Despite his resistance the night before, Blair had stormed out of his apartment, proving that she had expected something more permanent from him despite all her protests to the contrary.

He had regretted brushing her off yet again, but he'd already felt so rotten about Austin's death that one more thing to feel rotten about didn't make much of a dent.

He removed the bandage from Anna's foot and pressed his thumb lightly into the nicely healed scar. Anna's foot looked better than new.

“Cassie's in a very bad way, Doctor. Don't you think you could spare even an hour this week to come take a look at her?”

“Is she sick?”

Anna furrowed her brow until the wrinkles piled on top of each other. “Well, she is quite pale and keeps her head down a lot.”

“And she's started going out with Elmer Lee,” Felty said.

Anna nodded. “Yes, Elmer Lee. She must be sick.”

Zach tried not to sound intensely interested. “She's dating Elmer Lee?”

“As soon as Cassie moved back home, her mamm pushed her into baptism classes.”

A lump of coal stuck in Zach's throat. “She's going to join the church?” He'd seen Cassie at the funeral, wearing a plain navy blue dress and a prayer kapp, but he'd figured that her mamm had bullied her into dressing Plain like she always did. The thought that Cassie had chosen to join the church was too disturbing to contemplate.

“And,” Anna said, leaning forward as if to share a juicy piece of gossip, “Elmer Lee has been eating at Esther's place three nights a week.”

Zach clenched his jaw and kept his face passive, as if he couldn't care less that Elmer Lee was worming his way into Cassie's life or that Cassie would be miserable being Amish.

It was none of his business. She had made her choice. Just because he had let her go on believing the worst didn't mean that he was responsible for her decision.

Could Anna and Felty hear his teeth grinding together? There was no doubt that Cassie had decided to rejoin her community because of him.

Fine.

Maybe he'd helped her realize that it was the only place she truly belonged. A timid girl like Cassie who never stood up for herself and never rocked the boat would fit in just fine with the Amish. Let her believe that Amish people would never disappoint her. Let her think that God loved her.

“Anna's been trying to talk some sense into her,” Felty said.

Zach narrowed his eyes and tried to breathe normally. “I don't understand. You don't want her to be Amish?”

“Cassie needs to carve out her own path, not take the one that's laid out before her,” Felty said. “Her decision springs from a broken heart.” Felty stroked his horseshoe beard and eyed Zach as if he could fix this mess.

The lump almost choked him.

Zach snapped off his latex gloves. “Good as new. Come back in six months, and we'll check to make sure it's still doing well.”

Zach flinched when Anna slid off the exam table. With her short legs, it was a long way down. She landed on her new foot as easy as you please. That woman was going to break a hip someday.

“I was afraid of this,” she said as she bustled to the large canvas bag sitting on one of the chairs. “It's going to take something spectacular to lure you back to Huckleberry Hill.”

“I'm really busy . . .”

Anna pulled a strange circle knitted with pink yarn from her bag. “This is a steering wheel cover for your car. It will keep your hands from freezing on cold winter mornings,” she said, handing it to him. “I used Cassie's steering wheel to get the size just right.”

It would fit perfectly, then.

“Anna, I can't accept this.”

She ignored him and returned to her bag. She searched around at the bottom before she pulled out what she had been looking for. It was a red knitted square, probably two inches by two inches. “This is a blanket for your turtle. I remember you telling me that you have a turtle. It hasn't died yet, has it?”

He shook his head.

“I made it red so that the turtle wouldn't think it was lettuce and eat it.”

“Anna, this is very kind, but—”

She flashed a sparkly grin. “Now, Doctor, don't you even think about refusing. I've knitted my fingers to the bone for you and Cassie.” Next, she pulled a stunning navy blue sweater from her bag. The pattern on the front looked like someone had woven braids right into the sweater. He didn't deserve such a gift. He didn't deserve Anna's generosity or Felty's kindness. He'd broken their granddaughter's heart and been a complete disappointment to religious people everywhere.

“I thought about making it pink because I know how much you like pink, but this blue seemed more manly, and you're going to need wonderful-gute manliness if you want to compete with Elmer Lee.” She handed him the sweater. He handled it as if it were made of glass. “Try it on, Doctor.”

“Right now isn't really the time.”

“Take off your white lab coat and try it on. If it doesn't fit, I'll have to take it home and fix it.”

Reluctantly, Zach took off his lab coat and pulled the sweater over his head. The neckline was high with a slight V-neck. The long sleeves hugged his wrists at exactly the right spot, and the fabric stretched across his chest like a snug glove.

Anna clapped her hands. “I was afraid with the way you're wasting away, it might drown you.”

“It's beautiful,” Zach mumbled, because there was truly nothing else to say.

Felty studied Zach's face and seemed to wilt like a flower in the heat.

Anna, however, looked as if she might burst with delight. “We want you to wear it when you come to dinner on Friday night. And you can even wear the pink shirt underneath if you want.”

Zach didn't think anything could make him feel worse about himself than he already did, but Anna's kindness pushed him so low, he was lying facedown on the ground with a mouthful of dirt.

Frowning, he motioned to the chairs in the exam room and sat down on his rolling stool. “Anna, Felty, please sit.”

Felty took Anna's hand, and they sat together.

“Anna,” he said, placing a hand on top of hers. “I've never been given such a beautiful sweater before. I am truly touched by your kindness. But these wonderful gifts won't lure me back to Huckleberry Hill.”

Anna turned to Felty. “I knew I should have brought a pot holder.”

Zach chuckled in spite of himself. “Pot holders won't do any good either. After Austin died, I said some things . . . I made Cassie believe some things . . . that hurt her very much, and even if I wanted to see her, she wouldn't want to see me.”

“Don't you believe in forgiveness?” Felty asked.

Zach lowered his eyes and shook his head. “I don't believe in anything anymore. I don't belong with people like you or Cassie. Faith guides your life. In many ways, you are your faith. That's not how I live. It would be like trying to mix oil and water. Cassie hates me for the way I am, and I can't stomach the simple trust she puts in God. We're just too different.”

Felty's eyes softened with moisture. “We're sorry about the little boy. We lost three of our own little ones yet. It hurts deep.”

Zach paused. “You lost three children?”

“Jah,” Felty said. “And we think about them every day. Don't we, Banannie?”

Anna's smile faded, although it didn't disappear completely. “Every hour.”

The ache in Zach's chest flared painfully. “How do you stand it?”

Felty leaned toward Zach. “God will wipe all tears off all faces someday.”

Zach pressed his hand to his forehead. “I wish I could believe it.”

“I wish you could believe it too,” Felty said. “Because it's true.”

Zach pulled off the sweater, smoothed it out, and folded it carefully. “So you see why I can't take this.”

“Stuff and nonsense,” Anna said. “I made it for you. Elmer Lee is not getting his hands on it. You're the one I've chosen, and I'm not changing my mind, no matter how persistent Esther and Elmer Lee are.”

By the set of Anna's chin, Zach could see it would be futile to argue. He would fold up the sweater and put it in the top of his closet so that it would still be brand new when Anna decided she wanted it back in a couple of weeks.

“Denki,” he said.

Was there a good reason he used Pennsylvania Dutch? Nobody but Cassie thought his attempt at the language was cute.

Anna stood, and Felty followed. “Thank you, Doctor, for fixing my foot. I feel like a better person because of it.” She got on her tiptoes and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You are a gute boy. Never forget that.”

“It was a privilege to get to know you, Anna.”

Her eyes danced. “I'll go knit some pot holders, just in case.”

Chapter Twenty-Six

A knock at Zach's office door startled him. He must have fallen asleep staring at his last patient's chart. It was lucky his shift was over. He needed to go home and catch some sleep. He already walked around the hospital as if he were dead, but he didn't need sleep deprivation to make it worse.

He didn't have the energy to stand and go to the door. “Come in.”

Jamie opened his door and raised her eyebrows tentatively, almost as if she didn't dare venture past the threshold. Zach shot to his feet. “Jamie, come in,” he said. He grabbed the back of his chair and turned it around. “Sit down. How are you? Is everything okay?”

Of course everything wasn't okay. She'd lost her son three weeks ago. Things were never going to be okay again.

She reached out her arms and gave Zach a bracing hug. “It's good to see you, Dr. Reynolds.”

“Call me Zach.” He motioned toward the chair again. She sat down on the folding chair opposite his rolling one. “You sure you don't want the softer one?”

“I'm okay.”

He sat and faced her, propping his elbows on his knees. “Can I do something for you?”

“I had to drop by the billing office to work out some payment stuff.”

“How can I help? There are assistance programs if you can't afford the hospital bills.”

She shook her head. “Austin's dad has really good insurance, and he's insisted on paying all the stuff the insurance didn't cover. I was just working out the details with Lynne to make sure that's all settled.”

“Good.”

She placed a gentle hand on his arm. “I haven't seen you since the funeral.”

“Do you need me to do something for you? Anything you need, I'll be there.”

“Marla says you're having a hard time with Austin's death.”

Zach bowed his head. “Aren't we all?”

“We are all grieving, Zach, but Marla says you're paralyzed.”

Why had Jamie come? It hurt like a shard of glass in his mouth to even talk about it. “They told us that if you can't handle death, you shouldn't be a doctor.” He laughed bitterly. “Some doctor I've turned out to be.”

“It means you're human, Zach, and personally, I'd rather have a doctor who is devastated by death than one who handles it easily. It means you care. I much prefer a doctor who cares.”

“We're a good match, then.” He attempted a smile, but his voice betrayed him.

Jamie squeezed his arm and something shifted in her expression as if she'd made a decision. “Austin wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life mourning him.”

Maybe not. But maybe Austin would have wanted to still be alive. Zach kept his mouth shut. He wouldn't upset Jamie with his bitterness.

She took a deep breath. “Your dad is deceased, isn't he?”

Zach drew his eyebrows together. “Yeah.”

She sat back and folded her arms. “I've been debating whether to tell you of an experience I had. It's very precious to me, and I don't want you to minimize it.”

“You've lost your child. I would never minimize that.”

Jamie pursed her lips. “On the night of the funeral, I had a dream. I think it was meant for us.”

“You and me?”

She nodded. “Only for us.”

“Why?”

“Because God wants us to know.”

Zach felt the hair stand up on the back of his neck. “Know what?”

“Something that happened in my dream. I was walking in a grassy field. I could actually feel the soft grass beneath my bare feet. I smelled roses and lilacs, and I heard birds singing. It was a beautiful place. More beautiful than anything I've ever seen before.” She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Austin came running toward me. He was dressed in a spotless orange soccer uniform.”

“Barcelona,” Zach mumbled.

“He had the biggest smile on his face and said he couldn't stay long because the boys were getting a game together, and they needed him to play center mid.”

Zach's eyes stung. He folded his arms across his chest and resisted the urge to tell Jamie that it was just a dream. Sure, it was a nice dream, but it was still just a way for her brain to release stress after an excruciatingly hard week.

“I asked Austin if he was happy,” Jamie said. “He told me yes because he could run and play soccer like the other kids, and he didn't have any pain, and he got to be with Jesus every day.” Her eyes glistened with tears. “He had a soccer ball and did some tricks for me. Before he got sick, he was working on balancing the ball on his head. It was the first trick he showed me.”

Zach clamped his eyes shut and wiped away the tears that squeezed through. A mere dream shouldn't call forth tears.

“There was another man who came,” Jamie said. “He looked like you. Same strong build, same blue eyes. His hair was dark brown. I don't know why, but I had the distinct feeling it was your dad.”

Zach bit his tongue and fought back the tears. Just let Jamie have her say and then he could get away from here. Thank goodness his shift was over.

“Austin called him Pop, although he was a young man.”

The word stole Zach's breath. “Pop?”

It was just a coincidence. Pop was a pretty common nickname. Wasn't it?

“The three of us strolled around the meadow. We crossed brooks and played tag around the trees while Austin pointed out flowers and birds and butterflies. There was a hollow tree where Austin kept his treasures: his soccer scarf, an orange beanie, and a long, jagged rock. He said that Pop loved to collect fossils, and they'd been digging for days to find a shark's tooth. Pop had given it to him as a present.”

An invisible force crashed into Zach and knocked the wind out of him. “He had a . . . fossil?”

Jamie studied his face. “Pop said, ‘Tell him I'm happy and that someday he'll understand all the reasons I had to leave.' Again, I can't be sure it was your dad, but when he said ‘him,' I knew he was talking about you, even though he said he had two other sons.”

Everything seemed to stand still, even the air in his lungs and the blood in his veins. Zach sat motionless as Jamie's words set his heart aflame.

How could Jamie have known about the color of Dad's hair or his lifelong nickname or the fossils?

His whole body seemed to catch fire.

It hadn't been just a dream.

Pop Reynolds, the guy who earned his nickname from drinking too much soda as a kid, was alive. Zach's dad was alive beyond the grave and so was Austin.

But that wasn't all. Austin was happy. God hadn't forsaken a sick little boy, and He hadn't abandoned any of them.

Tears rained down his cheeks, and he bawled like a baby. Jamie scooted her chair forward and hooked an arm around his neck, like a big sister giving her kid brother some love.

“I guess you believe me?” she said.

“I guess I do,” he blubbered.

She pulled away and grabbed a handful of tissues from her purse. He wiped his face but kept right on crying, so it was kind of like mopping up a spill on the
Titanic
.

“I miss him,” he said.

“Are you kidding? I cry a dozen times a day just thinking about my son,” she said. “But I know he's with God, and God has a purpose for all things. And He loves us. Bad things happen. It doesn't mean God doesn't love us.”

“But why do people have to die?”

“Someday we'll know the reason, just like your dad said. You just have to have faith. Do you have faith, Doctor?”

Zach swiped another tear from his eye. “Not much.”

“If it's the size of a grain of mustard seed, it's enough.”

“I've got a lot to learn.”

Jamie pulled another handful of tissues from her purse. “And you've got some fences to mend.” She stared at him until he met her eye. “With a certain Amish girl.”

Zach's heart stopped beating for a second time. Cassie.

He groaned in pure agony and buried his wet face in his hands.

The corners of Jamie's mouth drooped. “You love her.”

“Yep. Bad.” He trembled just thinking about what he'd lost.

“Then tell her.”

“I told her she was naïve and blind. You should have seen her face. I might as well have hit her.”

Jamie patted his leg. “You're not the first person to let grief overtake your judgment. Go talk to her. She has the most forgiving heart in the world.”

“It's too late,” Zach said. He felt as if he'd swallowed a handful of gravel. “I didn't just yell at her. She thinks I did something . . . something that can't be fixed.”

Jamie narrowed her eyes. “She wants to rejoin the Amish.”

The heaviness in Zach's chest grew until he had to struggle for every breath. “Yeah.”

“Nothing can separate us from God's love, Zach.”

“Cassie's love is a different story.”

Jamie gave him a weak smile. “If anyone can convince her, you can. You got Austin to sit still for an IV. Your powers of persuasion are enormous.”

“Not with Cassie.”

“Especially with Cassie. She loves you something fierce.”

Zach sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Not anymore.”

“But you love her?”

“Yeah.”

“Then go make it right.”