Guarding Hearts (Living Again #3) (2 page)

Ellis looked up and noticed there was a man in the room with them. He found himself wondering if this guy had to do this often, show people their dead loved ones. Dead. His mother had been dead for a very long time. He remembered wishing for that often when he was a little boy, so that maybe he could have two parents that would adopt him, love him, like his friends at school. The ones that had nice, neat packed lunches with notes from their mom, had playdates, and sleepovers. He had no idea what that even meant, but he wished for it. He never felt guilty for that, because feeling guilt would mean that he felt something for her. She had never been a source of comfort or love for him, so that was a feeling he didn’t know. He alternated between hoping she would disappear and never come back to hoping one of his teachers would realize that no one took care of him. Unfortunately for him, his mother could put on a good front with people when she wanted to act like a doting mother.

He thought he had found someone that loved him when he met Mandy. He had clutched onto her like a drowning man to a life preserver. For a while, their relationship had been everything he had lacked in his pathetic life. When he had found out she was pregnant, even though he was only sixteen years old, he had never been happier in his life. He was going to be a father, and would love that child the way he never was loved.

Except it didn’t turn out that way. He was doomed to repeat the idiotic decisions of the only parental figure he had ever had, and just as fast as he had Mandy and Mason, they were gone and he was locked up in the juvenile detention center where he deserved to be.

“Ready?” Officer Richards said gently. He had a soft spot for him, and Ellis had no idea why. Ellis rarely spoke and wouldn’t interact with anyone.

Ellis looked at him and nodded once. What he wanted to say was, ‘let’s get this over with’, but he didn’t want to give these guys any insight into his head. Officer Richards led him closer to the man that was standing behind what must be his mother. She was in a simple casket, whatever the state provided for people who had no one who cared about them. He found himself wondering where she would end up being buried, but wouldn’t ask. The other officer, whatever his name was, stood at the door behind them. He guessed death wasn’t his thing. Join the club, buddy.

The man standing behind his mother’s casket nodded at him and opened the lid. Ellis wanted to look away but he couldn’t. Never in his life had his mother been so—beautiful. She was dressed in a blue dress he knew wasn’t hers, and her brown hair was washed and combed nicely around her face. Her eyes were closed like she was sleeping, and the makeup on her face wasn’t smudged, days old, or garish. It was tasteful and elegant. Everything his mother wasn’t.

His eyes raked back and forth, taking her in. He wanted to feel something, but all he felt was numb. He knew that no matter where he ended up after this, he was free of her. For the first time in his life, he wouldn’t have to be a parent to his own mother. He would never have to clean up vomit, hide in his room and plug his ears from the sounds of his mother with yet another man, or have fear gripping his heart as he tried to wake her up from yet another near overdose.

He turned away, and Officer Richards watched him. He knew he was looking for any reaction, but he wasn’t going to get one from him. If they hadn’t made him come here to make sure it was her, he would’ve been okay with not ever seeing her.

“Is that her?”

Ellis nodded, and Officer Richards turned back to the man standing with his mother. “That’s her,” he confirmed for Ellis. “Come on, buddy. Let’s get you out of here.”

Ellis allowed the officers to lead him out of the room and back to the awaiting transport van, his eyes watching his feet take one step at a time. He thought it was quite ironic that here he was, saying goodbye to his farce of a mother, while the person walking him down the hallway had just acted more parental than anyone he had ever had in his life.

Present…

Ellis stared at the date written on the board in the front of the room they used for debriefings and meetings. Andrew was talking, but all he could do was look at the date on the board. July 10
th
. He was thirteen today. His son Mason. Where was he now? Did he still look like him? Was he a good boy? Was Mandy married? Did she give Mason little brothers or sisters? He asked himself the same questions every year, but he would never know the answer to any of them.

He dreaded this date every year. Even though he wasn’t the same man he had been thirteen years ago when he had become a father, there were some things that just didn’t heal, no matter how much you grew as a person. And every year on this day, he couldn’t stop the overwhelming feelings of grief from coming. Mason was his blood, and he wasn’t allowed to be around him ever again. He could never tell him that he was his father. It was like he never existed. And just like Ellis, Mason was growing up not knowing that he ever had a father that loved him.

Everything in Ellis’ life was devoid of emotion, except when it came to Mason. He swore that he saw him everywhere. Every year, as he grew older, he would scan the faces of kids he came across, looking to see his son in one of them. He looked for his dark hair and light green-blue eyes. He looked for a mini him. But no matter how many times he did a double take, thinking it was him, he knew it wasn’t. Mandy left Miami not long after the court hearing, and she certainly wasn’t here in Sunset Beach.

“Psst,” a voice in his ear broke through his thoughts and made him jump. He turned his face to see Devin watching him. “Where are you, man? You’re spaced out.”

Ellis shook his head, forcing his eyes back to Andrew. “Sorry, just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.” As much as he treasured Devin’s friendship, there were just some things better left alone.

“So, I got an interesting call,” Andrew said. Ellis knew he had completely missed whatever he had been saying for the last several minutes, so he tried hard to focus.

“Seems that we have a big country singer coming into our area for a concert and the head of her security team called earlier requesting additional security while she’s here. I guess she’s not only doing a couple concerts around Florida, but is also shooting a music video here on the beach. This isn’t a normal thing to ask guys like you to do, they would usually ask the police department, but her head of security and I go way back so he called me. If any of you have ever done security before, you know the money is usually good. In this case, the money is phenomenal.”

“Why does she need extra security?” Devin spoke up, and Ellis nodded his head. He was thinking the same thing. Usually big singers had all of their entourage with them.

“From what he said, she’s been harassed by some crazy stalker, and they’re worried that he’s escalating. Somehow, he keeps finding out where she is, and he’s been sending her some disturbing things. This security detail is for about a week while she’s in Florida. I’m not sure the exact schedule, but her shows will be at night and the video shoot will be during the day. You would also have to travel with her for a few additional stops around the state.”

“Who is it?” one of the guys asked.

“Her name is…” Andrew flipped a paper over. “Samantha Kerrigan.”

Low murmurs started going through the room, but Ellis looked at Devin and shrugged. He had no idea who that was.

“Since this is a favor to my buddy, if anyone is interested, I’ll work with you on your schedule here. If anyone wants to find out more information about it, come talk to me.” Andrew walked out the door, and the men all stood up, stretching their large bodies. Ellis was intrigued, that was for sure. He had visions of paying off his new car while also getting to ogle some hot singer. But country? Ugh. He wasn’t a country kind of guy.

“I’m out,” Devin announced. “While the money would be great, I can’t chance being gone right before Rachel has the babies. What about you, El? You’re a perfect candidate for that.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Ellis laughed. “Rub it in, that I have no one here to miss me. Speaking of, how are those babies?”

“Coming soon, man. They’re growing like crazy. I swear if I didn’t work with you, I‘d never see you. Whatcha been doing? You’ve been spending time with Jessica, right?”

“Yeah, we’ve been spending some time together. She’s a cool girl.”

“But?” Devin asked. “That sounded like a but was coming.”

Ellis sighed. He didn’t know what his problem was. He was
very
attracted to Jess. But, he was stalling. He didn’t know if he wanted to get involved with her any further. Not because she wasn’t a great person; she was. She had a great job, was kind, and beautiful. He knew it was just him. It was always him.

“She’s a great girl…”

Devin sat up quickly. “Oh no. That’s a line that a guy says when they’re going to say they aren’t interested. Next you’re going to say that it’s not her, it’s you, and that you just want to be friends.”

Ellis laughed out loud, knowing that’s exactly what he was going to say. “I’m trying, Dev. I like spending time with her, but I’m just taking it one day at a time.” He couldn’t tell Devin that he wasn’t sure he would ever feel like loving again. He wasn’t sure his heart was capable of it. He saw Devin and Rachel, expecting twins almost any time now, and their friends Kayley and Ben with their three children and a new one on the way, and he felt jealousy. It wasn’t that he didn’t want it—he did. His heart, however, thought something completely different. No matter how hard he pushed that muscle to feel something, it just came up empty.

“Well, try harder, El. I mean, she may not be as hot as Rachel…”

Ellis threw a stack of post-it notes at Devin’s head, and he ducked. Both laughing, they turned to walk out of the office together.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Devin clapped him on the shoulder. “You’re not only a kick ass SWAT member; it’s nice to have your goofy ass around again. And, it would work out perfectly if you decided that Jessica was the one for you—seeing as how all of them are friends.”

“Well, by all means,” Ellis joked, feeling the pressure of his words even though he knew he didn’t mean it that way. “Let me date someone because it’s
easier
for you.” Devin laughed loudly, shaking his head at his friend.

Walking out into the bright Florida sunshine, Ellis slipped on his sunglasses. He had only lived here a few months, but he felt more at home that he had felt in a long time. He had no one left in this world but these people that he called friends. Rachel’s friends had easily accepted him, and he felt he actually had a nice group now with Devin, Ben, and Trevor. He had always been a friendly guy, easy to get along with. But he never felt that he could quite let down his guard.

“Tell Rachel I said hi,” Ellis called, reaching his new sports car and unlocking the doors. He was glad he got to give up driving a police car every day, because this was way more his speed. With his move and raise, he had bought the car he had his eye on for a long time, a brand new black Ford Mustang Shelby GT500 with grey stripes. He didn’t buy it because it was a chick magnet, but it sure as hell was. Swinging out of the parking lot, he looked at the time on the dash and realized he had time to stop at Jessica’s work to say hi. Keeping his mind off what he was missing today was his top priority right now.

Ellis pulled into In Loving Hands Therapy Center’s parking lot a few minutes before five o’clock. He knew Jessica would be cleaning up, and figured he could help her. Parking in the back next to her car, he popped a piece of gum in his mouth as he made his way to the back door. The therapists were used to him and didn’t care that he came in the employee entrance. Jessica was only going to be here for another week, though. She was going to work for Ben and Kayley at the therapy center, Kidz Zone, they had opened next to Ben’s pediatrician’s office. That was perfect timing because Rachel was going to be out for an indefinite time after having her babies.

The door swung open before he had a chance to touch the knob, and he stepped back as his eyes met Jessica’s.

“Ellis!” she put a hand on his strong chest and laughed. “You scared me to death! What are you doing here?”