Good Enough to Trust (Good Enough, Book 2 - Going Back) (15 page)

“Then he started
to lose his temper, but he just couldn’t help it. He felt like he was losing
control of everything. Your Mum eventually persuaded him to go to the Doctor.
It was inoperable, Sophie, and he was so scared of what he might do to the two
of you and your Mum, he didn’t want to end up hurting you, and he didn’t want
you to have to watch him slowly die. They talked about him going away, but your
Mum wouldn’t have that, and then he talked about ending it before things got
too bad.”

She was staring
through me and I could see it hurt.

“You don’t have to
tell me anything more.” But I wanted her to, I wanted to know.

“It was so hard
for both of them, they were either fighting or making up, but she couldn’t let
go. The day you went away he went to pieces. I think it had all got too much.
He’d already planned how he could end it for himself and she finally persuaded
him that they had to do it together. She thought you would be better off
without either of them, she thought she’d be useless on her own because she
said she wasn’t whole without him there to hold her hand. So they did it.” Her
voice was as empty as her eyes, and then she seemed to snap out of it. “She
loved you so much, they both did.”

“I know.”

“It was a glioma,
here I’ll write it down and then you can look it up yourself.” She knew I needed
to find out everything that I could. I needed to dig and find reasons.

“Don’t hate them,
Sophie.” Her eyes held mine and it was a look of sadness and love, and hope.

“I don’t.” I took
the piece of paper. “I did. But I don’t now, not anymore.” And I didn’t. I was
sad, there was a stab of pain in some place deep inside that could have been my
soul, but it wasn’t hate and it wasn’t guilt, it was just a childlike need to
cry over something I couldn’t make better.

***

“You’re back.”
Charlie gave me a bear hug and ruffled my hair up in the most annoying way he
could.

“No, I’m not.” I
struggled to free myself enough to talk, oh and to breathe but those lanky arms
held me in.

“Well, you’re a
bloody convincing apparition.”

“I can’t talk
properly, Charlie.” My cheek was still squished against a chest that felt a bit
broader than it used to be, and I sounded like I was talking through cotton
wool.

“Probably a
bonus.” He laughed good-naturedly and I tightened my arms round him. It was
good to be home.

“Cheeky bugger. I’m
back but—” he eased off a bit and I found out I could breathe normally again
“—I’ve not quite sorted everything.” He didn’t push it, Charlie wasn’t the
type. He was easy come easy go, and just wanted everyone to be cool. So if I
said things were fine, then that was good with him. So I did. “Everything’s
good though.”

“You going back to
good old Grove and Grove early then?”

I’d been told I
could have a year out from my old job, and we were only a few months in. But,
to tell you the truth I missed the place, the routine, and I was sure I’d be
back there number crunching way before Christmas rolled round again. “I miss
it.”

“You’re mad.”

But I knew he
understood. Charlie was a bit of a geek, and although he didn’t love numbers in
the way I did, he knew what it meant to need to solve problems. Just for the
sake of it.

“Maybe.” I
laughed. “How are you and Anna doing then?”

“Didn’t they tell
you?” He suddenly looked wary and loosened the bear hug completely. Held me at
nearly arm’s length, which was good for my squashed nose, less good for my
suspicious mind.

“Tell me what?” I
could feel my eyebrow quirk up in warning and hear my voice tighten. Okay I
hadn’t actually given Holly and Dane much opportunity to talk about anything
but me, but if it was important….

“We’re erm—” he
looked sheepish, but almost determined “—engaged.”

“Wow.” My breath
whooshed out in a relieved rush, but my mouth stayed open as my brain stopped
working for a moment while it sunk in. Charlie, wedding, weird. It was good,
but it was weird. Yeah, good enough to stop the goldfish impressions.

“Yay,
congratulations Charlie, I’m pleased for you, I really am.” I high fived him
and he looked a bit shell shocked.

“You’re not going
to tell me I’m rushing it, or I’m too young or anything?”

“Nope.” I grinned.
I wasn’t. I was pleased. Maybe in some strange way we were all starting to grow
up. Which was a terrifying thought.

“Oh, now there’s a
first. What happened to you? You should go away more often.”

“Don’t push your
luck, Charlie boy. And how could I say you’re too young? You’re practically on
the shelf, any day now you’re going to turn from surfer dude into looking like
some aged rock star.”

Okay he didn’t
really, he was only a year old than I was, but teasing was what our
relationship was all about. It had stopped us getting serious, stopped us
crossing the line and wrecking a beautiful friendship.

“Cheeky cow, and
what do you mean surfer dude? I’ve never been near a surfboard in my life.”

I grinned, it
seemed like another life, not just a few days before Christmas when Holly had
decided to label Charlie the surfer dude. Personally I couldn’t quite see it
beyond the dirty blond curls and the blue eyes, and open face, but she
obviously had a good imagination. Or maybe it was because she’d had her hands
on that body of his.

“Blame Holl. So
when’s the day?”

“Dunno.” He had
that bashful look again. “Haven’t broken the news to the folks yet.”

“Wimp.”

“Through and
through, that’s me.”

“Does Anna know
she’s marrying a mouse?”

“She loves me just
the way I am.” He had the widest grin imaginable plastered all over his face
and I thought that any minute he was going to start leaping around like an
excited girl. The key to it all, accepting someone just the way they were. I
was sure she did and maybe it was something I needed to think about doing a bit
more of.

“I’m sure she
does.” I closed the gap between us and kissed him on the cheek then gave him
another hug. I loved Charlie, he was straightforward, caring and loveable. But
I think he’d been glad I’d gone away when I had and given him and Anna the
space they needed to kiss and make up. It would have always been complicated if
I’d been there making judgement.

“Thanks, Soph. I
know you weren’t sure I was doing the right thing.”

“It’s none of my
business.”

“I know, but I
want you to be happy for us to.”

“I am, truly.” We
looked at each other and I knew it would be alright. Well, I hoped so, for
Charlie’s sake. I’d told him not to go back, not to make the same mistakes, but
sometimes I suppose you have to go back before you can go forward.

“So, what’s the
plan?”

“Is Anna around?”

He shook his head
and grinned pure naughtiness.

“Can we do pizza
and chilling for a couple of hours, like we used to?”

We got a pizza
delivered and I raided his fridge for cold beers, and then flicked through the
TV channels until I found some non demanding light entertainment that we could
laugh at. And it was almost like old times, except I couldn’t quite relax. I’d
wanted an evening of chilling and not thinking, but thoughts kept knocking on
my brain, questions that needed answering.

“I need to do a
bit of digging on the internet.”

Charlie
understood, he always had done. “Sure, you want to borrow my laptop, or have
you got yours?” I grabbed mine from my bag in the hallway and we settled down
on the settee, feet up, like we had when we were students. Him playing games,
me surfing.

I found out lots
about mixed gliomas, more than I wanted to know. But mainly I found out the
answers to my questions. Everything Liz had told me had been true, from the way
they could alter personalities, cause problems with memory and co-ordination,
to the anger and fear that would have slowly invaded the part of his mind that
was still okay.

How my Dad had
ever managed to keep this from us, how he’d coped with knowing that it would
get worse, that one day when he was angry he might do more than just leave
bruises on Mum I couldn’t begin to understand. We’d thought he was drunk when
he’d swayed or slurred his words, we thought he’d hated us when he’d ranted and
raved, but inside he’d been fighting a demon in his head that was slowly
killing him. Eating him from the inside out.

I took a deep
breath and shut the laptop lid down. Tipped my head back and closed my eyes.
The one person I really wanted with me right now, the person I wanted to tell
every small detail to, the man I wanted to trust wasn’t here. Ollie.

“What are you
doing here?” That came out wrong. And squeaky. And I was wearing woolly pink
bed socks, and some cartoon pyjamas that were what my mother could have called
functional. And I’m pretty sure I had bed head hair, because I’d fallen asleep
in front of the TV. Not sexy, not good.

He just looked,
his gaze drifting over my body with the kind of caress that made my nipples go
hard and my stomach clench with anticipation. I would have pulled my dressing
gown round me, but I hadn’t got one. He finished his mental undressing, which
I’m pretty sure didn’t take much effort, then his eyes locked onto mine. He
looked grey.

“You look
knackered.” But still sexy.

“I am.” There was
gravel in his voice that could have been exhaustion, but I think had more to do
with my state of undress.

“You’ve just
driven up?”

He nodded.

“Why?” Oh, God, I
wanted him. And now I couldn’t stop asking silly questions.

“I just had a
feeling you needed me.”

Spot on.

“Do you want to
come in?” He’d never been in my place, but he didn’t even glance round to get
his bearings. He just kept right on looking at me as he stepped in and I took
an involuntary step back, which took me straight to the wall.

“You’re not
pleasing anyone, Sophie.” That voice was all over my body far more effectively
than any hands had ever been. “Not you, or me, or Will.”

I swallowed hard
and wished he’d kiss me. But he didn’t, he just got a bit closer so that the
coldness of the wall hit my back and the heat from his body hovered between us.

“I know.” My voice
wasn’t working properly. Swallowing didn’t help.

“Why can’t you
face up to who you are?” He was even closer and the little tremor that went
through me had nothing to do with the draught from the still open door.

“And who your
parents were.” His voice was low, and he didn’t sound angry, just a bit sad and
frustrated. “At least they knew how to love.”

Which should have
annoyed me but it didn’t.

“I’m trying.”

“You need to try
harder.” The warmth of his mouth caressed the V where my shoulder met my neck
and I swear my legs wobbled.

“Do you think you
should shut the door?” I sounded more strangled than squeaky now, but my
hammering heart was distracting me.

“Always the
practical one.” He kicked out and the door slammed shut. He went back to the
sensitive spot on my neck and sucked, and this time a rush of something went
straight down to my pussy, and I moaned. I couldn’t help it. His tongue circled
and I fisted my hands in the front of his shirt. Then his teeth nibbled their
way up to my chin and I quivered, all the way from my scalp to my ridiculous
socks.

“I need you. No
more talking, I just need you.” And I couldn’t have replied if I’d wanted to
because his mouth covered mine and all I could think about was the taste of
him. His tongue circled mine, his teeth skated down the edge of my tongue and
he tasted and smelled of pure sex. I reached down to unbutton his jeans. I
needed him too, far more than he thought. My hand snuck inside his pants and
the heat of his cock made my stomach clench in response. I could smell his
pre-cum before I felt the dampness on my fingers and then I forgot how to think
as the warmth of his own strong fingers found its way into my stretchy pants.

He groaned and
deepened his kiss as his finger slipped inside me, his teeth clashing with
mine. My fingers were still curled round his hard cock but I reached up with my
other hand, entwining my fingers in his thick hair, pulling him down tighter,
deepening a kiss that was far more than just a meeting of lips.

“Stop that.” He
dragged his mouth from mine and for a moment we both sucked in air, then he
eased my hand from his cock. “Not yet.” Pulled it high above my head, then
pulled my other hand from his hair and it joined the first. I did what I expect
was a frustrated pout and he gave a lopsided grin. “My rules for once.” Then
his rock hard body pressed against mine and a tongue that felt hard enough to
turn me on started to explore my mouth again. He was hot and he was damp,
demanding and tasted oh so sweet, so that all I could do was surrender, let him
push hard against me, let him set the pace and punish my mouth with his. He
teased and he sucked, ran his tongue along my teeth until every bit of me felt
on edge, bruised my lips with nips and tugs of his teeth until every bit of me
started to blend into him then he let go of my wrists, rested hot hands on the
naked skin of my waist and propelled me back until my legs hit the bed and we sank
together into a mattress that seemed to swallow us up. I wrapped my legs around
him, tried to pull him closer so that I could mash my needy pelvis against his.
Then all of a sudden he stopped, pulled himself up on his elbows and looked at
me like he thought he’d lost his mind.