Good Enough to Trust (Good Enough, Book 2 - Going Back) (10 page)

“You’re playing
with fire.” And he didn’t smile.

“Maybe I want to
get burned.”

“It was just an
accident. I should have been more careful.”

But even though
his words were light, his thumbs had stilled against my skin.

“When?” I leaned
forward, against him and he slipped his warm hands around my body and I
suddenly remembered what it felt like to be protected, looked after. The
hardness of his chin was on the top of my head; his steady breathing
reverberated through my body and left me wanting. “When did it happen?”

“The day after you
left.” We seemed to be whispering, even though the sound of the water was loud,
but maybe sometimes the softest words are all you need.

“Why didn’t you
tell me?”

There was a long
pause. “I was in hospital.”

I must have
tensed, because he stroked down my back in the same settling way that Will had,
but this time I felt like it was for me, not just something that came
naturally.

“It was bad?”

He gave a low
rumble of a laugh. “Not that bad, I just needed stitches and sedation and crap
like that, and maybe the nurses just liked having me there.”

My mouth curled at
the edges despite my telling it not to. “Tell me, please.”

“We were
abseiling, me and those lads we met on the campsite.” Lads I hadn’t liked
because they were just a bit too wild, a bit too free for me. “I wasn’t going
to go but it was just a last chance before I packed up and headed back to
reality.” He stilled for a moment and I guess we were both thinking about our
own version of reality. “We’d more or less done for the day when we noticed
this couple going down the cliff not far from us.” He hesitated again, long
enough for me to think he might not go on, so I nudged him in the ribs. “They
were stuck, starting to panic a bit so we went over to help out.” People like
him always helped out, anyone who liked danger knew the risks, would put their
life on the lines if one of their adrenalin-junkie brothers had a problem. “We
got the first one secure no problem, but the other one’s mind had gone AWOL, he
was swinging round one minute, trying to hang on to me the next. It was my own
fault, he swung and was flailing around in a panic, I should have stayed above
him, but instead I worked my way down and when the rocks got loose, I caught
them.”

“The odd rock
doesn’t do that much damage.”

“The odd rock
followed by a slip down the face does.” His chin shifted on my head and I could
hear the grimace in his voice. “They were novices, hadn’t fixed the hexes
properly. He went faster than I expected, probably because he wouldn’t damned
well stay still, and I half caught him.” He paused again, and then his voice
was softer, the grit gone. “Eventually.”

“Was he okay?”

“Oh, yeah, he was
fine. Used me as a landing mat.” He shifted, took me with him. “Time we headed
down?”

“Ollie?”

“Yup.” His gaze
was on mine, but I had a feeling that his mind was somewhere else and he looked
like it hurt.

“It was more than
just a few stitches wasn’t it?”

“A bit, I had
concussion, had dislocated my shoulder and pinged a couple of ribs. So they
kept an eye on me for a few days.”

“So that’s why you
didn’t come?” For once I didn’t want to look at his face. I looked down at the
polished rocks, slick and shiny from the constant run of water. But he waited
silent until I looked up.

“I would have come
if I could.”

And I knew he was
telling the truth. And by the time he’d been fit enough to try and find me it
was too late, I wouldn’t let him.

I took the hand he
held out and I felt like I wanted to hang on to him forever, to never let go,
to never grow up. We wandered down in silence. A silence that got deeper as we
left the sound of water behind. But it was fine.

We stopped in the
middle of a small bridge.

“Why didn’t Dane
tell me?” It hurt, and it niggled me. How could he have been in hospital and no
one had told me? Okay, I was a mess at the time, but what about afterwards?

“I think we both
needed a break.”

So did that mean
he had just walked away? A slow, cold sadness seeped through me.

“Soph, isn’t it
easier to just forget all the crap, move on?”

“I can’t just
forget.” I curled my fingers around the wooden rail and stared into water that
might as well have not been there. “I can’t forget what I did to her, and if I
do it’s just saying it doesn’t matter, she doesn’t matter.

“There’s only you
knows what you need to do, but cut yourself some slack once in a while.”

“That’s what Holl
said.”

“Clever girl, I
like her already.”

“Everyone likes
Holl.” She was sensible, level-headed, safe and sane. Unlike me. “I get the
feeling you’re not telling me everything.”

“Same here.” He
rested his hand gently on my hip and sounded sad, which just about summed up
how I felt.

“Why did you stay
on here?”

“I liked it.” The
warmth of his breath drifted across my neck. “And it was easier. Come on.” He
shoved me out of my wallowing, over to the other side of the bridge. We
followed the path upwards, away from the water, finished the last part of the
journey hand in hand again, through the silence of the trees.

“You’ll come in
and have a chat to Holly?” I wanted her to meet him; maybe I wanted someone
else to approve, to tell me what I should do.

“I don’t think
so.” His voice was noncommittal, but when I followed the line of his gaze I
spotted Will’s four by four nestled behind Holly’s clapped out car.

“I didn’t ask
him—”

“I’m not judging
you, Soph, you don’t have to say anything.” He looked straight at me and I
wanted to grab him, wanted him to pull me close and wrap his arms around me
again. But he didn’t.

“But, he—”

“Ssh.” He put a
finger on my lips. “I’m not sure I can do this.” He waited until he was sure I
wasn’t going to speak, and then shoved his hands back in his pockets. “You,
him, all this free and easy crap.” I wanted to say something, I really did, but
the look on his face warned me not to. “I’ve got a job to do, I’ll be back in a
couple of days, and maybe we can catch up if you’re still around.”

I nodded, I didn’t
know what else to do. But I had a horrible feeling that he didn’t have to go
anywhere, and he wasn’t coming back. At least not to me.

“Ollie.” I wanted
him to stay, to talk to Holly. No, I just wanted him to stay.

He shook his head.
“I can’t.”

“Maybe it was a
mistake, me coming back here. It was, wasn’t it?”

Holly took the mug
of coffee, more to stop me stirring than because she wanted it, and sat down
opposite at the small table.

“Do you really
think that?”

“Dunno.” I
shrugged and dropped the spoon in the sink. “Were you really angry with your
mum when she went to Australia?”

“Not exactly
angry.” She pursed her lips. “I was more just resigned to the fact that I
wasn’t good enough for her, that I didn’t matter.”

“But you do, matter
I mean, to everyone including her.”

“I know. Are you
angry at Ollie then?” I nodded. I think I probably was. “Why? For bringing you
here in the first place?”

“When it all
happened I was angry at him yeah, I blamed him for persuading me to come,
blamed myself for running away and I blamed Dad most of all.”

“But?”

There wasn’t
supposed to be a ‘but’, but I supposed there had to be, unless I was just going
to let things keep on like they always had.

“I’m still angry
at him for leaving me. I thought he loved me, Holl.” I rested my forehead on my
hands and stared at the timber table, each tiny knot, each twist in the grain
going nowhere. “And I’m angry he’s still here because he wasn’t supposed to be,
and I’m angry I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you want
to do?”

Which I suppose
was a pretty ordinary question, but I hadn’t thought about it like that. “I
want to stop being angry, but I can’t.” I felt like wailing, but I didn’t
because it wouldn’t help anyone and it wouldn’t change a thing. “I want to hate
him, but I can’t because when I look at him it feels like I’m a teenager
still.”

Yup, that was the
problem. When I was with him it was like turning the clock back, but with a bit
of responsibility and grown up feelings thrown into the pot just to complicate
things. “When Will touches me it’s fun, it’s kind of fizzy and good and I get a
buzz and a damned good shag, but…” I met her eye and remembered how she’d been
when she first met Dane. And it was like that. “When Ollie looks at me, I feel
like I can’t speak, but it doesn’t matter, and I can’t move and I want him so
bad. It isn’t just lust, I don’t just need him to touch me like that…I
just…want him, need him.” Brilliant with words I am. “Crap isn’t it?”

“Only if that’s
what you want it to be. Maybe you matter to him just like I mattered to Mum.”

“I need to talk to
Will.”

“You do.” She
pulled me to her slim frame and gave me a surprisingly firm hug that made
something well up in my throat. I missed her and I didn’t want to lose her, and
I didn’t want her to go and leave me here with all my mess. Which was weird
because normally people relied on me, the way I liked it. I sighed. “Then I
need to talk to Ollie I suppose, if I haven’t blown it already.”

She raised an
elegant eyebrow. “Blown it? But I thought, at the waterfall?”

“I think he’s
gone.”

“What do you mean
gone?”

“I wanted you to
meet him, but he wouldn’t come in, he said he’d had enough or something like
that.”

“Ah.” It was one
of those, oh I get it, type of ahs.

“What does that
mean?”

“Will, he saw Will
was here, didn’t he?”

“So?” I shrugged.
Will had been more than happy to leave me and Holly alone for a chat, in fact
he’d more or less rushed off the second I’d shown up, well as soon as I’d
agreed to go out with him the next day.

“Soph, how would
you feel if the guy you loved reappears but he had another girl in tow?”

“Will isn’t in
tow, and who says Ollie ever loved me?”

“You? It’s the way
you talk about him and the way you look.”

“It was just kid’s
stuff…and anyway, he left me.”

“Or you left him
and by the time he was fit enough to follow you, you wouldn’t talk to him?”

“He could have
tried harder.” I know I sounded like some sullen kid but I couldn’t help it.

“Maybe that’s what
he’s doing now. Trying?”

“But.” Except
there wasn’t really a ‘but’. Being back with him by the waterfall had brought
every dream back to life. We hadn’t been faking anything, it had been as real
as it had all those years ago. “He said he can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

“Everything,
anything, dunno.”

“And when did that
ever stop you?”

She was right,
can’t wasn’t really in my vocabulary, unless I was scared and it was too
personal. “I will try once I’ve sorted things out with Will.”

She let me grill
her then, ask about her and Dane, and Charlie and Anna and everything else I
missed so much. Then she got back into her little tatty car.

“You’ll be okay?”

“I’m always okay.”
I leaned into the car and gave her an awkward hug. “Thanks for coming.” She
gave a tiny shrug and a self conscious grin.

“You don’t want to
come back?”

“Not yet. Think
this rust heap will get you to Bristol?”

“Ssh, you’ll upset
him. He got me here didn’t he?” She started up the engine, and after a bit of
grumbling it settled into a loud but steady rattle.

“I don’t get why
you don’t buy a proper car.”

“I like this one,
we understand each other.” She grinned, blew me a kiss, and then carefully
reversed away.

***

I went from deep
sleep to wide awake in one second flat. Well, that was how it felt. When you’re
staying in the middle of the wood, and the most raucous sound you’ve heard for
days is a bird, then loud noises tend to have that effect.

I glanced round to
check that the world hadn’t ended and it went off again. A car horn, and not a
polite, do you mind, kind of car horn. This was a ‘get out of the road before I
flatten you’ type.

The angry neon of
the alarm clock registered in the corner of my brain that was almost switched
on. Shit. It was nearly lunchtime already, I’d overslept big time which meant
that the noise just had to be Will.

“Don’t you dare do
that again.” I half hung out of the window, well as much as you can with a
window designed for midgets, and glared at the bright and breezy Will, who was
stood by his Landrover, with his arm stretched into the vehicle like he was
just about to pummel the horn again.