Forever Pucked (24 page)

Sunny has just become legal in the US. And now she’s going to be a mom. She’s in the middle of finishing school. She teaches yoga, which can’t be easy with a basketball hanging off the front of your body. It’s more than I can fathom.

And Buck, well, Sunny’s the first girl he’s ever been serious with. I mean, he’s really serious, but babies are a lot of work. More than house plants, that’s for sure. I can’t imagine he’s ready for that kind of full-on, endless responsibility. Why the fuck do people have babies? I can barely manage my own life, and taking care of Alex while he’s recovering from his hockey accident is like being punched in the tit by reality. And I haven’t even had to do it on my own yet.

Life isn’t all roses and unicorn farts made of glitter and Chanel No. 5. There are as many downs as there are ups. I need to learn how to manage them.

No one mentions the wedding again during brunch. The entire focus has shifted to the impending birth of Sunny and Buck’s accidental insemination.

One positive is that neither one of them mentions getting hitched before the baby pops. If Sunny and Buck jump on the wedding wagon, it’ll make things more difficult for Alex and me. Not that I wouldn’t understand. But I know Alex would have something to say about them tying the knot first, because Sunny is younger, and Alex likes to be number one, in all senses of the word—except the selfish context. I always come first.

-&-

By three in the afternoon, it’s obvious the number of people in the house has taken its toll on Alex. His sister being pregnant and suddenly planning a baby shower probably hasn’t been helpful, either. So it’s not much of a surprise when he starts nodding off on the couch while people are chatting.

He’s only been home a week. He’s still recovering.

So everyone leaves, except his parents, of course. There’s a conversation brewing. I know this. But Alex isn’t in any state to have it. I rouse him, gently, and get him to amble his way up to the bedroom.

He won’t let me go when he lies down; his one good arm is strong enough to keep me from getting away—not that I would want to do that anyway.

I let him pull me to him. I fully expect him to fall asleep again, but that’s not what happens. He lies there with his arm around me, breathing steadily, but I can tell he’s not out.

“Are you okay?” I ask, opening the door to angry town.

“I don’t know.”

“Because Sunny’s pregnant,” I say it more than ask.

“Yeah. No. I don’t know.” He sighs, and his grip on my waist tightens.

“What don’t you know about?”

His chest rises and falls a few times. “I just…she’s not ready.”

“I don’t think anyone’s ever ready.”

“Miller’s less ready.”

I think about that. About how good Buck is with kids. How patient, how caring. I also consider his dyslexia, which he manages fine, and how that will factor in with a kid, and how likely he is to pass it on. I don’t know the statistics on this kind of thing, but I know it’s something he’ll worry about.

Knowing Buck the way I do, I feel like this is something he’ll be super stressed about. He struggled so much with school and expectations. It’ll kill him if he has to watch his own kid go through the same thing. But his experience will make him able to manage it better. At least I hope it will. I’m sure it will. He’s a beautiful person. Hairy as a motherpucker, but a great human.

“He’ll ask for help if he needs it. He always does. He’ll be an awesome dad.”

Alex is quiet for a while—so long I’m not sure if he disagrees or maybe he’s fallen asleep. “Do you think I’ll be an awesome dad?”

There’s no hesitation in my response. “Of course.” He’ll be doting, wonderful, and probably a whole lot overprotective. Lord help us if we have a girl somewhere down the line. “You know, as much of a shock as it is and how the timing could be better, it could be way worse.”

“How so?” Alex asks.

“Well, first of all, at least it’s not her ex-boyfriend’s baby.”

“You mean Kale?”

“Yeah. That guy’s a dick.”

Alex nods. “He really is. Miller’s a good guy; I know that. I just feel like all this has happened really fast for the two of them, and Sunny has always wanted a career. This is going to put that on hold.”

I repeat Sunny’s words. “Things happen that are beyond our control all the time, Alex.”

He sighs. “I figured we’d have kids before they did.”

I consider that as he strokes the nape of my neck with his thumb. It’s softer than usual, possibly because he hasn’t been on the ice, wearing those gloves, or lifting weights.

As juvenile as it might be, Alex is very much a competitive person. He’s used to being the center of attention all the time, and Sunny has never been one to steal the limelight. Until now. I think I was right. This really is bugging him. “Is this about being first? Or because Sunny’s stealing your spotlight?”

“What?”

I lift my head off his chest so I can look at him. “Is this because Sunny’s younger and doing it first?”

Alex regards me for a long time while he chews on the inside of his lip. “Having kids young isn’t the worst thing in the world.”

I don’t fail to notice he hasn’t answered the question. When all I do is stare, Alex takes the opportunity to explain.

“Think about it, Violet, that kid is going to be out of the house before those two are fifty.”

“And? What does that matter?”

“They’ll have all this time after they retire to do whatever they want. By the time they’re in their forties, the kid will basically be doing his own thing—or her own thing. Think about all that time together. Alone. With no real responsibilities other than making sure the kids don’t fuck up their post-secondary education.”

“Buck dropped out after the first semester of college and Sunny’s going to get a diploma she might never use,” I point out.

“She can focus on a career later, if she wants one,” Alex argues.

“
If
she wants a career? You think she won’t?”

He lifts his good shoulder in response.

“She could’ve moved here, dropped out of college, and sponged off you, but she doesn’t. She pays rent, and she actually thinks it’s going toward the mortgage.”

“Putting money into stocks for her is a good financial investment.”

“I’m not saying it isn’t. But she very easily could’ve shacked up with Buck and not paid rent at all. She chose not to. Just like I chose to live in that shitty apartment for a while with my stinky, metal-loving stalker neighbor. Just like I want to keep my job in some capacity, at least for a few more years until I get used to all of this.” I gesture to the room and the massive bed we’re lying on.

“I don’t want to take away the things that make you you, Violet.” Alex seems distressed, maybe by the parallels I’ve drawn between me and Sunny. “That’s never been my intention. I want to build us a life that’s going to allow you to do all the things you want and more.”

I touch his pretty, beat-up face. “I know that. It’s just… It can be scary being engaged to a man who can give me everything, because this is all I have.” I gesture to my rack, trying to lift the weight of this conversation.

Alex doesn’t take the bait. “Baby, you underestimate how incredible you are. Even though it’s a challenge and sometimes seriously inconvenient for me, I love that you assert your independence, that you have your own mind.”

His acknowledgement makes me feel all warm and gooey, liked melted caramels. “So you get that Sunny needs to be her own person. She doesn’t want to be defined by who she’s with, either. It’s kind of the reason she was hesitant to date Buck in the first place.”

“She was hesitant about Miller because he fucked anything with a pulse.”

“Okay, fine. That was part of it. But she wants to take care of herself, not have everyone else do it for her. And she didn’t want to end up being like your mom.”

“There’s nothing wrong with the way my mom did things.”

“Maybe the way your mom did things was right for her, but that doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone. Isn’t it for Sunny to decide what’s right for her?”

“Of course it is. But babies change things, Violet. Priorities change.”

He has a point. “Okay. I can see that. Maybe she’ll decide to forgo the career and have enough children to start a hockey team.” I shudder at the possibility of shooting multiple kids out of my vagina.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Do you have any idea what happens to a vagina when a litter of babies are pushed out of it? I don’t want to end up with a baggy beaver.”

“You won’t end up with a baggy beaver from having a few kids.”

“A few?” He’s said something similar before. I want to know what constitutes
a few
. “As in more than two?”

“I kind of like the idea of a big family.” Alex skims the side of my boob with his fingertips.

I prop myself up on an arm so I can look him directly in the eye. “When you say
big
, what do you mean, exactly?”

Alex looks unsure of himself. “I don’t know. Four kids seems reasonable, maybe more.”

“Four?” If I sound incredulous, it’s because I am.

“You think that’s too many?”

“Uh, I’ll definitely have a baggy beaver if I push four kids out.”

“Things go back to normal.”

“No, they don’t.”

“Come on, Violet. It can’t really be that bad.”

“Is that you hypothesizing, since you can’t actually push a hockey puck out of your dick hole?”

Alex cringes, which I can understand. The image I’ve created is rather unappealing.

“You’re still tight like you were the first time we had sex, and we’ve been together for more than a year. You’d think if I was going to stretch things out, it would’ve happened already.”

He’s got a half-smug, half-horny smirk on his half-healed face.

“Yeah, but you’re comparing a beer can to a watermelon. It’s not the same thing. I can see after pushing one watermelon out, things might go back to mostly normal, and maybe you wouldn’t notice much beaver bagginess. But after three or four, things aren’t going to be the same.”

He gives me this look, like he thinks I’m being dramatic.

“Haven’t you seen that documentary with that female porn star who had all that anal sex? She had a nice, normal Area 51 until it wasn’t nice and normal anymore. Now it’s all loose and baggy, just like my beaver would be if I happened to pop out a hockey team’s worth of babies.”

“So you don’t want a big family?”

“I’m an only child, Alex. I think I turned out almost okay even though I never had a sibling until I was in my teens. I figure if I have two kids, they’ll drive each other nuts, and they won’t be lonely or have to deal with either one of us without backup when we’re old and crotchety.”

“What about compromising at three?”

“Odd numbers don’t work for me. I don’t like them. If your team number was odd, I think I might not have found you all that attractive.”

“My number is odd.”

“Not when you add it together.”

I’m being an asshole, but seriously. Alex is talking about what seems like a minimum of four kids. I’ll low-ball it to something more reasonable, like two, and if he gets more than that it’ll seem like a win for him.

Honestly, though, I can’t imagine the damage three babies will do to my body. I like my boobs. Alex loves my boobs. Three babies will turn them into empty sacks, according to all the horrible conversations I’ve overheard from women I work with. And babies interfere with sex. I don’t want to deal with that yet either.

“I don’t know why we’re talking babies when we don’t even have our wedding planned.”

Alex’s jaw tightens, and he retracts his arm from around me. Oh, shit. I’ve hurt his feelings. He seems like he’s about to get up and possibly leave the room.

“Which I think we should talk about,” I add.

He’s halfway into a sitting position. He drops back down on the pillow and eyes me warily. He looks uncertain. Afraid, even.

I sit up and face him, crossing my legs. “You’re going to have some time on your hands while you’re waiting for your shoulder to heal.”

He still looks unhappy.

“So I figure it’s probably a good idea to plan something for the summer, before you have to start hardcore pre-season training.”

He stares blankly at me.

“Unless you think you’re going to be too busy with physical therapy. I mean, then maybe we should just wait until the following off-season…” I poke at the hole in my sock until my middle toe peeks out.

“You want to get married this summer?” Alex sounds like he’s having a hard time believing it could be possible.

“You’ll have the time to help me plan it. I know I’m organized with numbers, but that’s really about the only thing. There won’t likely be another year where the timing will be on our side. We can make the best out of an unfortunate situation.” I peek up at him. He’s still frowning. “I thought you’d be excited about setting a date.”

“I would be if it didn’t feel like you were only doing this to make me feel better about being out for the season.” He’s sulking. He’s so cute. And sensitive.

“It has nothing to do with that!” I say. Then I consider my reasons and decide I should rephrase. “Okay, so it has everything to do with you being out for the season.”

Alex pushes back up into a sitting position. I grab his good arm before he can try to run away from me. Not that he would be very fast, but I don’t want him to hurt himself. “You’re misunderstanding me. This accident opened my eyes to a lot of things, the most pivotal being how important you are to me.”

That stops him. He shifts so he can look at me. He’s still stiff, but he’s sensitive, so I assume he’s trying to reconcile his fragile ego.

“I know how hard this is on you. I know it’s killing you to see Randy doing so well. That’s not why I want to marry you this summer. This—” I gesture to his body, because there are a lot of parts that are still injured. “—made me very aware of how we only get one shot at life.”

“I don’t want this decision to be fear-based,” Alex says.

“It’s not.” I take his hand in mine and play with his fingers. His nails are longer than usual. Probably because he can’t cut them on his own. “Look, my mom’s wedding wasn’t fun for me. And you know how I am when I get into a group of people. I always make an ass out of myself. But I’m willing to deal with that kind of potential humiliation if it means I get to spend the rest of my life with you.”