Following Your Heart (7 page)

“
Yah
, we have prayers every night, just like we've had since you've been here,” Susan replied.

“I mean…well, it seemed like your dad prayed extra hard tonight.”

Susan shrugged. “He's probably worried about the deacon's visit.”

“I hope I pray like that someday,” Teresa said. “I want real faith burning in my heart.”

“I'd say you've already come a long way,” Susan said. “You're here, aren't you?”

Outside the faint sound of buggy wheels clattered in the driveway. Susan held still. Behind her Teresa collapsed on the bed, and little Samuel, in her arms, started crying.

“It's the deacon coming for me!” Teresa wailed.

“
Shhh
…” Susan whispered. “That makes no sense at all. And we don't make loud fusses like that regardless of what is happening.”

“I'm sorry,” Teresa said, choking back further sobs and words.

“I'll go see who it is,” Susan said, disappearing into her room.

Don't let it be Thomas
, she prayed silently. A quick look from her window would tell. Surely Deacon Ray would have enough sense to come during the daytime, but a person could never be sure. Her words to Teresa were brave, but news of Teresa's unwed state while she was staying at the Hostetler place might already be running through the whole community and creating unrest. She had faith it would all turn out okay, but having Deacon Ray downstairs would be enough to shake her hope. Why did she ever think Teresa could come here and fit in? Everything had looked so different from Asbury Park.

Pushing back the drapes, Susan groaned at the sight of Thomas tying his horse to the hitching rack. His back was toward her, and his hat was tilted sideways on his head. Obviously the boy hadn't changed a bit. Perhaps she should send
Mamm
to the door again. She could tell Thomas to drive his horse right back out to the road and be gone. But that would only delay the inevitable. Plus
Mamm
's pained look would be written all over her face. Clearly Thomas would have to be faced by her tonight.

“It's that old lover boy of mine,” Susan said once she was back in Teresa's room.

“Thomas!” Teresa said with relief.

“I'm afraid so,” Susan said. “I'll have to go out and speak with him.”

“So how do you feel about him?” Teresa asked. “Do you love him?”

“I used to,” Susan admitted. “But I don't now. I guess I'll have to go down and renew his acquaintance with the word ‘no.' ”

“Don't be too hard on him now,” Teresa said. “Even though I've never seen him, he probably likes you. It's wonderful to have someone feel that way about you.”

Susan tried to smile for Teresa's sake. She walked into the hall and shut the door behind her. As she came through the bottom stairway door,
Mamm
was waiting for her in the living room. She was wringing her hands.

“He's come back, Susan,”
Mamm
said. “Oh, he's come back. Do make things right with Thomas, Susan.
Please
. Will you? Will you at least try?”

“I'll speak with him,” Susan said. “That's all I can promise.”

“Speak with great care, Susan,” Menno said from the rocker as a knock sounded on the front door. “The boy loves you.”

Susan didn't answer. She grabbed her coat from the washroom and then walked to the front door. She opened it, stepped outside, and closed the door behind her.

“Well, good evening. I see I was expected,” Thomas said, stepping back.

“Don't give yourself airs!” Susan snapped, making her way down the steps.

“Where are you going?” Thomas called after her.

“Out to the barn where this conversation is appropriate,” she said.

“What are you talking about, Susan?” Thomas asked, running to catch up with her. “I've been trying to speak with you for the longest time. I even traveled to Asbury Park to visit you, but you'd left already.”

“That's all well and good,” Susan said over her shoulder. “But it doesn't solve your Eunice problem. Remember? You were kissing her the last time I was with you.”

“Come on now,” Thomas said. “That was a long time ago. And you're not without your faults, from what I hear. That woman in Asbury Park spoke of a Mr. Moran—or something like that. And a Robby too. Sounds like you were quite busy after you left here.”

“We can talk out here!” Susan jerked open the barn door and stepped into the darkness.

“You have a lantern, don't you?” Thomas asked as he followed her inside. He looked around, the dim light coming though the barn windows just revealing Susan's face.

“
Yah, Daett
keeps one on the shelf,” Susan said, putting action to her words. She grabbed the lantern, pumped it up, struck a match, and held it under the mantle. The lantern was still warm under her hands from when her
daett
had been in the barn earlier. The light came on with a soft
poof
when she turned the gas knob. Shielding her face with one hand from the sudden light, Susan left the lantern sitting where it was and turned to face Thomas.

He was as good-looking as always. He had a face that could send shivers around any woman's heart. Confident and poised, Thomas was. He'd always plucked her heartstrings with ease. But that had been until another girl plucked his.

“Well, aren't you going to wish me welcome home again?” she asked when he didn't say anything.

“Welcome home, Susan,” he said, a smile spreading across his face. “I really am glad to see you. And I'm glad I finally have a chance to tell you how really sorry I am.”

“Are you? And how is little Miss Eunice doing? Have you been giving her any buggy rides?”

“Now, Susan, really.” Thomas stepped closer. “You know I don't love the girl. And I don't know what happened to me that night at the hymn singing. It's just that I began noticing her, and it was like I couldn't help myself. But she's not the girl I want to marry, Susan. You know that. And look at us. We've known each other since our school days. What could ever come between such a relationship?”

“Apparently a girl.” Susan met his gaze. “And it wasn't just suddenly, Thomas. You had been noticing Eunice for a long time. I know that now, and I knew it then. I guess I was ignoring your wandering eyes, hoping they would tame down. But that's not what happened. They acted on what they saw. And so now, as far as I'm concerned, you can see all of Eunice you wish to see.”

“Is that why you took off?” he asked. “Without even giving me a chance to explain myself? Susan… really… that wasn't necessary at all. I love you! We can make a go of things. We really can.”

“Are you afraid I found out there are other men in the world?” she asked. “Is that what's bothering you, Thomas?”

A pained look crossed his face. “Please, Susan. I've always known how wonderful you are. I've known that since we were children. We shouldn't just throw all that away. And now that you're back and we've had a chance to talk, please let's make things right between us. Because it would be so
gut
to have you by my side in the buggy on Sunday nights again.”

“Thomas, it just wouldn't work. I'd still be seeing you kissing Eunice that night after the hymn singing.”

He swallowed hard. “Then I will wait until you're willing,” he finally said. “I will wait for whatever time it takes.”

“That is
if
I even decide to stay, Thomas,” she said. “I don't know yet that I will. I've been out in the world now, and I've seen things. You may have a mighty long wait.”

A frown played on his handsome features. “I've seen your city, Susan. And it's not a place for people like us. We belong close to the earth, and to
Da Hah
, and to each other.”

“Well…” She paused. “We will have to see about that, but in the meantime my answer to you is no. Please let that sink deep into your thick head. And don't come around anymore. We have lots of work to do and things to deal with since Teresa came home with me.”

“That's another thing,” he said, trying to take both of her hands in his. But she pulled away. “Why did you bring a girl from the world home, Susan? It can bring nothing but trouble for our people. I know you and your parents can't be blamed because you have soft hearts in such matters. But send her away, Susan. Please, before it's too late.”

“I will do no such thing,” Susan said. “Teresa has her heart set on joining our people, and I'll help her if that's what she wants.”

“Your folks are getting old,” he insisted. “Think about them, Susan. The farm needs better keeping than what your father can give it. We could be marrying this year. Think about that. You don't really want to go messing that all up over an
Englisha
girl you hardly know.”

“It's a
no
, Thomas,” Susan repeated. “That's
no
, spelled n-o. And the farm will be taken care of. Don't you be worrying about that.”

“Okay,” he said, hanging his head. “But remember, I'm not giving up. We have too much going for us, Susan, to throw it away.”

“Goodnight, Thomas,” Susan said, turning her back to him.

“Goodnight.” He turned and walked slowly out of the barn.

Susan waited until the buggy wheels had died away before turning out the lantern. In the darkness she found the barn door and opened it. She stepped into the night air. Pulling her coat around herself, she walked toward the house.

S
now lashed against the windows of her
mamm
and
daett
's bedroom, piling little drifts on the ledges before blowing them away again. Susan heard faint bumps and bangs sounding from the basement as heat poured out of the floor register and rose toward the tall ceilings of the old farmhouse. She ran a damp cloth over the top of the dresser and glanced over to the corner of the room where Teresa was sweeping in earnest.

“The room doesn't have to be really, really, clean,” Susan said.

“But Amish houses are spotless,” Teresa said. “They aren't like Mom's apartment, where we seldom cleaned. I want to learn how to be a good Amish woman.”

“We'll do all the deep cleaning during spring cleaning in a few months,” Susan said. “Then even the walls are scrubbed down thoroughly. For now, Saturday cleanings are more general. You just sweep the floor of visible things.”

“Oh,” Teresa said, moving out of the corner. “But you'll be sure to tell me when I'm not doing things well enough, okay?”

“You're doing just fine,” Susan assured her. “We'll move upstairs once we're done in here.”

“Is this what you always do on Saturdays? Clean the house?” Teresa asked.

“Usually, although I don't know if
Mamm
cleaned the upstairs every week while I was gone. She probably did her bedroom and the rest of the first floor.”

Teresa paused to watch the snow blow against the windowpane.

“This is like a cleaning of the soul,” she finally said. “It's like preparing to meet God tomorrow.”

“The snow is?” Susan asked, stopping her work.

“No, the cleaning of the house. It's wonderful, this custom. It's like a reminder to also take time to clean the heart.”

Susan resumed her dusting. “Well, I guess it kind of is. I hadn't thought of it like that before.
Daett
always makes sure things slow down on Saturday afternoon so we have time to catch our breath. There's a lot of work that goes into running a farm.”

“Do you think I'll have time to read the Bible this evening?” Teresa said. “Do you have an
Englisha
one in the house I can use?”

“You can use mine,” Susan said. “It has
Englisha
and German side by side.”

Teresa's face shone with delight in the dim light of the bedroom. “Perhaps you can suggest what I should read. Something to prepare my soul for the meeting tomorrow.”