Following Your Heart (6 page)

“
Yah
,” Susan said.

“Dear God,” Teresa whispered. She suddenly turned away and clamped her hands over her mouth.

“What did she just say?” Menno asked.

“Daett,”
Susan said, taking his arm and turning him away from the white-faced Teresa, “I've been expecting Deacon Ray to be interested in why I'm back, and we did pass him on the road.” Anticipating her
daett
's concern, she continued. “So I'm sure that's how he knew I'm here. It probably wasn't because of any talk going around, okay?”

Menno took a deep breath and rubbed his hands together. “That does sound better than what I imagined. I couldn't figure out how he knew to stop in.”

“He saw us on the road, and he was curious, that's all,” Susan said. “I will speak to him whenever he wishes about my time away from home. Perhaps this Saturday evening he will be back for a visit—now that he knows I'm here.”

“You will not tell him about the
Englisha
loves you had,”
Daett
admonished. “He will never let such things go by without discipline.”

“You forget I'm not a church member,
Daett
,” Susan said. “And I told you this morning they were just friends.”

Menno sighed. “
Nee
, I have not forgotten,” he said. “It is ever before my mind and conscience, Susan. But I'm sure Deacon Ray will find some punishment for you if he hears of time spent with
Englisha
boys, member or no member. But really, Susan, did your excursion into the world at last free you to join the church? Surely you have seen all there is to see and are ready to settle down. How can you even think of going back out there again?”

“But,
Daett
!” Susan protested. “I haven't said anything about going back.”

“It's in your eyes, my
dochtah
, and in your heart,” Menno told her. “You do not hide such things well from me.”

“I will always love you and
Mamm
,” Susan assured him. “You know that. I wouldn't break your hearts on purpose for anything.”

A look of joy crossed her
daett
's face. “You have decided then? That your stay at home will be a permanent one?”

“
Nee, Daett
,” Susan said. “I haven't decided anything. Please don't put words in my mouth or think them. I'm home and we're together again. Is that not enough for now?”

Menno sighed and nodded in resignation.

“Thomas will be over soon to speak with you,” he said. “If you could find it in your heart to give him a good word, then this would gladden my heart greatly.”

“So other buggy wheels have been in the lane since we left?” Susan asked.

“
Nee
,” Menno said, turning to go. “But I know Thomas will come soon. He still loves you.”

Menno walked toward the barn without another word.

Susan watched him go before going back to where Teresa was standing beside the buggy.

“This deacon didn't say anything about me, did he?” Teresa asked, grasping Susan's arm when she arrived.

“I'm sure Deacon Ray asked about you,” Susan said. “And knowing
Daett
, he told him everything.”

“Everything? Did he have to?” Teresa moaned. “And this soon?”

“I'm afraid he did,” Susan said. “It's the way of our people, and I guess it's best if we get things out in the open. I think you'll be okay.”

“Dear God in heaven, please spare my soul,” Teresa whispered.

S
usan stood in the stillness of the winter evening, watching the last of the quick snow shower passing by outside her bedroom window. Already the wind gusts were quieting down. The bare tree limbs were outlined against the scurrying clouds. In the yard below,
Daett
walked toward the barn, his black coat collar turned up, his hat pulled low on his head. He stopped to open the barnyard gate before disappearing from sight around the side of the barn.

Winter was far from over, that was for sure, Susan thought, pushing the drapes back to look further down the road. Dim buggy lights could be seen approaching the house, but at this early evening hour it could be anyone. Would this be Thomas coming, as
Daett
had predicted? It was possible, but tonight would be a little early even for him. She strained her eyes down the road, but the buggy was still too far away to recognize.

Obviously Thomas still felt he was in love with her. Susan laughed out loud at the thought. What did the boy know about love? He was an Amish cabinetmaker's son, still wet behind the ears. Thinking he could kiss Eunice and get away with it.

Not that Susan had always thought so negatively about the boy. There had been a time when she thought the sun rose and set on Thomas. How things had changed. She'd never dated anyone else from the community. That was the way things had turned out. Since their school days, Susan and Thomas had made eyes at each other, and from there things had simply happened. Just as they had happened for others who had grown up and married in the colony. It was like the sun rising in the sky. Like the wind blowing across the fields. Like the clouds racing across the sky. Susan sighed, thinking about the past. Well, that might all be
gut
enough for Thomas to go back to, but it was no longer
gut
enough for her.

Thomas would no doubt come to say he was sorry, and that he didn't mean what had happened to happen. Well, it
had
happened. Thomas had kissed Eunice right outside the washroom door that Sunday night. Thomas couldn't explain that away—not in a hundred years.

So then why wasn't Thomas seeing Eunice now?
Mamm
hadn't even mentioned Eunice since Susan had come back. It was as if Eunice didn't exist. Well, let
Mamm
and
Daett
ignore Eunice. She might be forgotten and unnoticed by all of them, but she was still there.
Very
there.

Eunice would no doubt be at the service on Sunday, casting her brown eyes dutifully to the floor at the sight of Susan. Well, the girl ought to be ashamed of herself. And what had Eunice been doing with those eyes the past few months? Likely they had been fixed on Thomas. Probably trying to lure Thomas into more kisses or at least into taking her home Sunday nights.

Susan pinched the drapes hard with both hands. Why did this still bother her? Most of her time in Asbury Park had been spent trying to get rid of Thomas's memory. So why was she even thinking about him now that she had come home? And why was she back at all? The answer was, of course, Teresa. But, given enough time, Susan knew she would likely have come back on her own.

She looked again for the buggy on the road, but it was gone now.

With a sigh, her thoughts continued. Was it even possible that one could get up and just walk away from so much that had been taken for granted? She had tried, but the pull had still been there. It had been there while she studied above the bakery for her driver's license and GED exam. It had been there during the nights alone in bed. It had been there while Robby was giving her driving lessons, and the longing had even been there in the midst of their laughter together.

Home had always been in the back of her mind, and it would likely remain no matter where she walked the earth. It was frustrating, but it was nevertheless true. She would either have to figure out how to finally leave for good or stay for good. But which? To stay would require making peace with Thomas.

Susan slapped the drapes at the thought. No doubt Thomas would say love was the answer to all the
gut
things in life. This love Thomas talked about was the kind of love the community expressed to each other whenever one of them was in need. It was the kind of love the Amish farmer had for his land. It was the kind of love they passed down from generation to generation through the traditions of the fathers. And above all, it was that
gut
kind of love a man had for his wife.

This love was enough to satisfy any hurting soul, Thomas would say. And he, of course, was the best man to give her this love. Well, Thomas was in for a surprise. She was not ready to mend fences with him. If he was so eager to be in love, let him love Eunice.

Susan heard footsteps below and the sound of
Mamm
's voice carried up the stairwell. “
Daett
is coming in, and it's time for evening prayers.”

Susan glanced out to the backyard at the figure of
Daett
walking toward the house in the dim light. He looked old, bowed with care, as if the weight of the whole world was on his shoulders. Tears sprang to her eyes, and the thought raced through her mind.
Was she to blame for this sorrow in
Daett's
old age? Was
she adding to the weight which bore down on him? Likely. Yet how else could things be? She wasn't like her sisters, compliant and meek, agreeing to marry off regardless what capers their boyfriend had pulled off.

Miriam's Joe had dropped her for two months and started to see a girl from Holmes County he had met at a wedding. “Men are like that,” one of the girls had whispered at the hymn singing in the weeks after Miriam's jilting. “They're shifty and always looking for a better bargain.” But Susan had asked, and Miriam said this wasn't true. She said Joe would come back. And she had been right. Miriam had taken Joe back the Sunday after the girl from Holmes changed her mind.

“Be like Miriam,” Susan remembered her
mamm
saying after she'd finally shared Thomas's betrayal with Eunice. “It happens all the time. Boys have their moments before they are married. But once the vows are said, it seals their hearts forever.” Yes, that was what
Mamm
had said. And it was also the way of the community. Susan wondered if it was really true. Perhaps many of them did seal their hearts with vows of faithfulness, but did the wildness of all that had gone on before just lie down and die?

“Susan!”
Mamm
called again.

Susan forced herself to move. She made her way downstairs. Teresa was already seated on the couch with little Samuel in her arms. Faking a smile, Susan sat down beside her. Shuffling noises came from the washroom and then silence. A few moments later the door swung open and
Daett
came in.

“We're waiting,”
Mamm
told him. “I knew you wanted an early bedtime tonight.”

“Yah
,” Menno said, his face sober. “The visit from the deacon has wearied me greatly. And I fear what is yet to come.”

“
Ach,” Mamm
said. “You shouldn't speak of such things in front of the girls.”

“I know,” Menno said. “And I'm sorry. I know it's my responsibility to bear the burden before
Da Hah
.”

“Who was the buggy that just went by?”
Mamm
asked.

Menno took his seat on the rocker.

“I think it was one of Ada's children,” he said. “They must have been out on some errand.”

Well
, Susan thought,
at least it wasn't Thomas. I'm spared for another night.

“Let us pray,”
Daett
said. Menno knelt in front of his rocker as he opened the prayer book. Susan got to her knees, and Teresa followed suit, laying baby Samuel on the couch in front of her.

“Almighty God and heavenly Father,” Menno prayed, “we ask of You, the One who sees and knows all our weakness and failures, that You would help us. You know that we can of ourselves see nothing or find our way in the world of weakness and sin. You alone, oh holy God, are the light and the lamp that falls on our path. Give us, oh heavenly Father, grace, that we might give to each other that same grace. Give us courage to follow Your ways. We ask in Spirit and in truth, oh great God. We ask that we might live lives that bring You praise and glory. We ask that we might serve You, and together walk in hope, in obedience, and onward to eternal life. Amen.”

Susan stood and picked up Samuel before Teresa got to her feet.

Teresa pushed herself up, her face tense. She followed Susan silently upstairs. When they got to her room, Teresa asked, “Does your dad always pray like that?”