Finding Divine (27 page)

“I wasn’t always so calm about it, but I received counseling and I’m still in the midst of it. It helps.”

“I think I owe you an explanation about why Simon and I aren’t close.”

“You don’t have to. It’s none of my business.”

“In a way it is. Everything leads up to the night of the accident.”

She shrugged. “If you want to tell me, but it isn’t really necessary.” She noticed Jason had dozed off and she laid him down on his side.

“I would like to tell you.”

She listened as Harold revealed his numerous affairs, which drove his wife into the arms of another man. Soon after, Ann was pregnant and he’d never been sure Simon was his until the baby grew older. By then, however, the damage had been done. He went on to say how he had resented his son, and how he’d treated him. “I’m not proud of what I’ve done and how I’ve treated Simon, but I do love him. I never realized how much until the night he came home and confessed to being with those boys. I was scared of losing him. I didn’t want to see him locked away and I did what I thought was best to protect him. I felt it was my fault for how he’d ended up there in the first place. It took me a long time to get there, but I realized I’d damaged him so badly I don’t know if I can repair things between us.”

Jessica felt sorry for Harold, but she at least now understood Simon’s hostility. “It’s unfortunate you two aren’t close.”

“Yes. I take comfort in the fact he no longer holds Ann responsible. It makes her very happy to see the twins, and seeing these two adorable children I understand why.”

She smiled at him. “I won’t keep you from the twins. You can see them any time you’d like.”

“Over my dead body he will!” Simon stood over them, appearing as if from nowhere. And he was pissed.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

“What the hell is he doing here, Jessica? Were you in on this plot too?” Simon demanded, angrier than he had been in a long time, but then again his thoughts were never rational where his father was concerned.

Jessica’s mouth fell open. Her bewilderment was evident, and he realized she was innocent. His mother and father had come up with this scheme to get him out of the way so his father could see the babies.

Harold turned bright red. “Simon, would you please calm down.”

Simon’s nostrils flared as he noticed how tightly his father clutched Jasmine. “Jessica, take our daughter away from my father, please.”

She sprang to her feet. “Simon, you need to lower your voice and remember these are my children too. I’m not going to keep their grandfather away from them just because you want to hold a grudge.”

Harold Lange stared mutinously at Simon for a moment and then sighed. “I think you should take her, Jessica. I appreciate you letting me spend some time with them.”

“You don’t have to go on Simon’s behalf,” she protested.

Simon glared at his father. “Oh, yes he does.”

Jessica took Jasmine out of Harold’s arms. “What’s gotten in to you, Simon?”

“We’ll talk about this later, but for now, I need to have a word with my father.”

Harold stood up uneasily with an air of resignation. Simon stalked off, putting enough distance between them and his children. What he had to say wasn’t for young ears, even if the kids didn’t understand what he was saying.

“Simon, let me explain—”

Simon held up his hand. “Whatever you have to say, I don’t want to hear it. I should have known something was up when Mom said it was urgent I go with her someplace that you could have easily accompanied her to. I don’t like being lied to. Were you the one who put Mom up to it?” When his mother had called to say she needed him to escort her to a luncheon for one of her charity events because her father had taken an unexpected trip out of town, Simon had agreed, although he’d planned to take the children to the park with Jessica.

He figured he could see the twins after the luncheon, but during the ride there, his mother had let something slip about his father and Simon had become suspicious.

After grilling her, she finally came clean about their duplicity. To say he was furious was an understatement. He’d dropped his mother off at her luncheon and turned around to intercept his father. Obviously he was too late.

“Simon, please don’t blame your mother. It was my idea to do this. She loves spending time with the children. Don’t take that away from her,” Harold pleaded.

“How could I trust her knowing when my back is turned she could try something like this? You have a lot of nerve showing up here uninvited. You weren’t a very good father. Why are you trying to be a grandfather? Are you trying to work on them while they’re babies, because they don’t realize what a bastard you are?”

Simon had thought his father’s face had gone red before. Now it was molten. “You’re overreacting. You found it in your heart to forgive your mother, why not me? Is there no way to mend things between us?”

“How do we mend something that never existed?”

“I know I messed up. But I just want a chance to make things right.”

“Too little. Too late.” Simon had had enough and turned to walk away.

“Don’t turn away from me!” Harold yelled.

Simon ignored him and continued walking. Suddenly his father gripped his shoulder to stop him.  “Take your hand off me.”

“No! Not until I’ve had my say.”

Simon ground his teeth together, clenching and unclenching his fists. He wanted to lash out at this man, but something held him back. Biologically, he was alive because of this man, but thoughts of his children were the only things that stopped him from delivering the punch he so desperately wanted to. “Start talking and make it quick.”

“I know I haven’t been a good father to you, but I’ve been trying very hard to make it up to you. I’m truly sorry for how I treated you, and I want to be a part of your life again.”

“It’s too late, the damage is done, and I don’t think I can forgive you for what you’ve done.”

“But Jessica has forgiven you for what happened with her brother, why can’t you do the same for me?”

Simon grew incensed his father dared to throw that in his face. “I hold you just as responsible for that night.”

“Fine, if that’s how you see it then I take the blame. I’m sorry for driving you the point where you felt you needed to hang with those hoodlums. Simon, I may not win any ‘Father of the Year’ awards, and maybe the fence can never be mended between us, but I want you to know I love you very much. I’ve always loved you, but I was too stubborn too admit it until it was too late. You hated me.”

“I still do.”

Harold recoiled from Simon’s vehemence. Finally he nodded. “I suppose I deserve that, but I won’t give up on you. You’re my son and whether you acknowledge it or not, I’m your father. I hope you will find in it your heart to let me spend more time with the twins…and you.”

Simon watched his father leave. He felt numb. What was he supposed to say?  That he forgave him for all the years of verbal and mental abuse as if it never happened?

“I wish you would give him a chance.” Jessica stood behind him.

He hadn’t heard her approach and jumped. “Jessica, you don’t know my father. He suddenly wants a relationship with me because now it’s convenient for him. When I needed him, he wasn’t there for me.”

Her eyes were downcast and Simon couldn’t read the expression on her face. “So you’ll never forgive him?”

“I don’t have any plans to.” He remained stubborn in his resolve.

He expected Jessica to argue with him, but when she didn’t, Simon wondered why. “Nothing else to say?”

She shrugged. “What could I say? Your mind is already made up.”

“You’re damn right it is.”

“I only hope you never make a mistake in our children’s eyes, and one of them or both decide not to forgive you.”

“This reverse psychology crap isn’t going to work, so you can save your breath. I would never treat my kids the way he treated me. I have nothing more to say on the subject.”

“Okay.”

Simon could sense her disappointment, but on this matter he wouldn’t back down. There were too many painful memories where his father was involved. “Jessica, I wish you wouldn’t give me that look.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I think you do.”

“If I did, I wouldn’t have asked. Look, I’m not in the mood to play word games with you. The twins are sleeping and I think it’s time to take them home.”

“Okay, I’ll come with you. I haven’t seen them today.”

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

“So now you’re banning me from the children?”

“Of course not, but I need a little breathing space right now. You can have them all day tomorrow if you’d like.”

Simon was uncomfortable with the direction this conversation had taken. “So you’re taking my father’s side in this matter, aren’t you?”

“I’m not taking anyone’s side, but I think you’re making a big mistake if you don’t at least give your father a chance. It takes way too much energy to hate someone, trust me, I know. After a while, it festers and becomes a part of you. It makes you bitter, and eventually, you’re so consumed with that hate until it drives you crazy. I had a breakdown before I could let go of mine. I don’t want the same to happen to you.”

He knew she meant well, but Jessica didn’t understand. “I don’t want to talk about my father.”

“If that’s what you want.” Jessica pursed her lips, obviously none too happy about his decision.

Simon couldn’t understand why she’d be upset about what went on between him and his father.  “You want to say something, but you’re holding back.”

“Simon, you just told me you didn’t want to talk about it so I’m dropping the subject. I’m going to collect the twins and leave. I think you need to go home and cool down.”

He took her hand in his. “Jessica, tell me what you wanted to say. I’m a big boy. I can take it.” Her good opinion was important to him, but judging by the look on her face, she didn’t have one of him at this moment.

“Are you? A big boy, I mean? Because you’re acting like a little one—an immature little boy. I think one of the hardest things in life is to say I’m sorry, and your father has told you so, many times I’m sure.”

“You don’t know the entire story.”

“Your father told me. Look, I don’t really have much more to say on the topic because you’ve already made up your mind about how things are going to be between your father and it makes me sad. Mainly because this is one of the main reasons there’s no you and me. I’ve been fighting my feelings for you for these past few months and struggling with my decision not to be with you, even though part of me wants you.”

Hearing that she’d considered being with him again was a surprise. “You once said love isn’t enough, but I think it is. If we love each other we can work through anything.”

“Maybe but I’m not sure about that love anymore. The man I loved had more compassion in his heart. You’ve just made my decision about us much easier.”

“I’m sorry, but I still see no correlation between us and the relationship with my father.”

“But there is. It shows me you’ll put your personal feelings over the greater good of others. It breaks your mother’s heart when you turn your back on your father, but do you care? I hear the wistfulness in her voice and I think this has put quite a strain on her, which is probably why she resorted to these covert tactics. It affects the twins because if it were up to you, they’d be deprived of their grandfather, who I thought was a nice man. You practically threatened your father while he was holding our daughter. That’s when I knew this thing was out of hand.” She sighed, giving him a sad look that wrenched his heart.

“Maybe he wasn’t always such a good guy, but there is such a thing as redemption. If you can do it, then why can’t he? Look, Simon, we can talk about this over and over again, but nothing will change.  You’ve made things very clear to me. You will love your hate more than you ever could love me or the twins. Now, if you don’t mind, I need go. I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow?” The resignation in her tone told Simon she meant every word.

In an act of desperation, he pulled Jessica against him and captured her lips. She turned her head away from him, but he caught her chin holding it still. Thrusting his tongue against her tightly sealed, lips, he demanded entry. He found his way into her mouth, savagely invading and tasting the recesses of her mouth. As always, when he touched her, his cock sprang to life. It pressed against her.

Simon continued to hold her close until he realized she wasn’t responding. She stood stiffly within his arms. When he slowly lifted his head, he saw the fire of anger burning in her eyes. “Are you quite through?”

He let her go, stepping back. It felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. She looked at him like his touch was distasteful to her.

“I’ve really killed all your feelings for me?” he whispered the words, hoping they weren’t true.

She stared stonily at him for several moments before walking away. He had his answer.

Later that night, Simon lay in bed processing everything Jessica had said. Intellectually he knew she made sense. But how could he let go of the hurt he’d known all his life? He didn’t have the answer.