Finding Divine (23 page)

“I couldn’t take that look. I turned and I ran. I ran until my legs literally gave out on me. I think I must have blacked out after that. Next thing I remember is being at my uncle’s house and telling him what happened. He told my parents, who immediately had me sent to some outward bound program even though I wanted to go to the police. And they paid the other three off to say there were only three people involved.  They said if I didn’t touch Jason, I had nothing to be guilty about and that witnesses only saw three men. That was only because someone had come along after I’d run away.”

“But I am guilty. If I hadn’t suggested that bar in that part of town it wouldn’t have happened. If I had stopped hanging out with them when I first became uneasy with their company it wouldn’t have happened. If I had intervened, stopped them from hurting Jason, he’d still be alive, so yes, I think I deserve to be in jail as much as they do. So you see, I can apologize until the cows come home, and I’d be okay if you never accepted my apology or that you hate me, because there’s no possible way you can hate me as much as I hate myself.” Simon covered his face with his hands as he let more tears rain down his cheeks.

To Simon’s surprise, Keith joined him on the couch and put his hand on his shoulder. “For a long time I was very angry. When I found out about you I pictured you as some spoiled rich kid with no remorse.
But the few times I’ve seen you, I didn’t get that impression. This is obviously something that’s been weighing on you since it happened. When I sat in court for the sentence hearing, Cliff and Milton actually seemed a bit contrite. That Thurman boy didn’t appear the least bit shamed. He was so smug in the courtroom, and that’s the face that has haunted me for all these years. But Jessica’s breakdown changed something in me. I realized my family has been slowly hemorrhaging without each other’s support because we’ve all been too wrapped up in our own pain to really truly heal. So I want to let go of the anger and hate, because I can’t reclaim my family if I’m not the best that I can be. I don’t hate you anymore, Simon.”

Simon wasn’t sure if he’d heard him correctly. “You don’t? I don’t understand how you could even look at me after hearing that. Sometimes I can hardly look myself in the mirror.”

“Simon I’m usually pretty good at discerning whether someone’s telling the truth, and I feel your sincerity. You never touched Jason, but you carry the guilt as if you did.”

“But don’t you see? I might as well have been the one to kick him and punch him or hold him down. Because I failed to protect him and do what most decent human beings would have done he’s dead. He might have been alive had I not been a coward.”

Keith patted Simon on the shoulder and released a heavy sigh. “It is disappointing to hear you didn’t do anything to stop them but who knows what might have happened if you did. Judging from that Thurman fella, he could have easily turned on you and then there would have been two victims instead of one.”

“Maybe, but at least I would have helped. As for me and Jessica, I met her at the cemetery. I was on my way to visit Jason’s grave. I followed his story in the news and knew where he was buried. Every year on the anniversary of his death, I’ve visited him to apologize. It’s pretty extraordinary Jessica and I haven’t run into each other before. But I was heading to his plot and apparently she’d just left it. The moment I looked in her eyes I fell for her like a ton of bricks.  I knew she was the one but then not too long after we met, I discovered she was Jason’s sister. Again I failed to do the right thing. I shouldn’t have let things go as far as they did, but I was in love and I didn’t want to lose her. I thought maybe if we were together a little longer I could eventually explain things to her. I was naïve and wrong. And I did more damage to your family.”

“You definitely should have told her sooner, but I understand. I felt the same way about Marie the second I saw her. It’s the eyes, they suck you in. I’ve made a lot of mistakes where Jessica’s mother is concerned but I never stopped loving that woman. Since Jessica’s breakdown, I’ve made myself more available to my daughter. I’ve been ignoring the signs for years that she was headed for another breakdown. I broke faith with my wife by being with other women because it helped me forget the pain I was in. I let my wife lose herself in the bottle because I didn’t know how to grieve properly. But I’ve had the chance to spend time with Marie and it feels good. It’s almost like we’re a family again and it’s made me realize I want them back, but I can’t have them if I don’t let go of this anger and hatred in my heart. I forgive you, Simon.”

When this conversation began, this was the last thing Simon expected. “How?” he croaked.

“Because it’s the right thing to do, and this is what Jason would have wanted. That was the kind of person he was. So to honor him and my family you have my forgiveness.  But what I really think is in order for you to accept it you’re going to have to forgive yourself.”

“I…I don’t know how.”

“The first step is acknowledging no matter how much self-hate you hold on to, it won’t bring Jason back. And maybe…maybe you just need a hug. Come here, son.” Before Simon knew what was happening he found himself engulfed in Keith’s embrace. “It’s okay, son. Let it out.”

Simon buried his head against Keith’s massive chest and did just that. His counseling stints over the years hadn’t been this cleansing. To finally be able to tell Jason’s father he was sorry was a huge burden lifted off his shoulders. “I’m sorry,” he whispered again, pulling away.

“Do you feel better now?”

Simon pulled away, suddenly feeling awkward. He’d never been hugged by his own father, which made the irony of the situation even stronger. “Lots. You have no idea how much it means to me to have your forgiveness.”

“I think I did it more for myself than for you, but I appreciate your honesty. And I don’t hold you responsible to the degree of those other guys. Even if you didn’t help, you didn’t participate and it says a lot about your character to go against peer pressure. It’s up to Jessica whether she forgives you or not, but if she does and you two find your way back to each other, I won’t object.”

Simon nodded. “Thanks, but I think I have my work cut out for me on that front.”

Keith nodded. “Just give her some time. I think once she hears from you what happened it may change her perception. Marie, on the other hand, is a bit stubborn, so I can make no guarantees on that front.”

Simon was overwhelmed by the other man’s capacity to forgive. It humbled him, and made him realize perhaps he needed to do some forgiving of his own. “Thank you.”

The older man gave him a comforting smile. “I think I should go get those bottles ready.”

“I’ll do it. You can go check on the kids,” Jessica said from behind him.

Simon turned toward her voice and saw her standing in the living room with tears clinging to her cheek. How much had she heard?

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

“Jessica, I’m not really happy with the way you let that man come and go so freely around here. And you let him take the babies for the day! What were you thinking, girl? I wouldn’t put it past him to run off with them, and then what? Hasn’t he done enough damage in our lives already?” Marie ranted.

Jessica rolled her eyes. When Simon had offered to take the children out for the day so she could have some time to herself, Jessica had jumped at the opportunity. She had been stuck indoors lately because the twins had both come down with ear infections. Listening to her mother go on about her decision, however, one would have thought she’d entrusted Attila the Hun with the care of her children.  “Mom, can we not discuss this? I thought this would be a nice day of us hanging out and shopping and so far all you’ve done is complain.”

Marie’s eyes widened in apparent surprise. Pointing to herself, she asked, “Me?”

“Yes, you. This could have been a fun day, but you’ve managed to zap the joy out of it with your constant snipping. First, you nagged me about my driving, and when I offered to pull over and let you do it, you accused me of getting smart with you.”

“If this is only about that—”

“It isn’t only about that. Every store I wanted to stop in, you found a reason not to.  When I suggested we split up and meet somewhere you whined about me not wanting to spend time with you. If you recall, I’m the one who suggested this outing. You criticized the purchases I made for my children—”

“But Jasmine is clearly a summer. I can’t believe you’d want your daughter to be caught dead in that horrible outfit, and poor Jason. It may be the cool thing for men to wear pink now, but he’s still a boy. You’ll turn him into a little pansy if you dress him in that foo-foo stuff,” Marie protested.

Jessica rubbed her temples to hold off an impending headache and continued on as if she hadn’t been interrupted. “Then you told me we could have lunch wherever I wanted, your treat, but every single restaurant I chose, you had an issue with until finally we ended up at your favorite restaurant. I thought we’d be satisfied once you got your way, but you made such a spectacle when the waiter forgot to bring the lemon for your water. I can’t remember being so embarrassed in my life. Now you have the nerve to stand here and say you don’t appreciate the children’s father taking them out for the day? Are you kidding me?”

Jessica had come to depend on Simon in regards to their children. It was clear he loved them and they loved him.

Hearing him pour his heart out to her father began her softening toward him. His remorse was evident, and learning of his actual role in the events of her brother’s death made it easier for her to reconcile the man she knew with the man she thought he was. It gave her some measure of relief to know he hadn’t participated in Jason’s beating. 

Jessica couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment, but the anger she’d once had so thoroughly encased her heart was no longer there. Simon was a good man who’d made a mistake. Her father had been right—Jason would have wanted her to forgive Simon. As far as reestablishing a romantic relationship with him, Jessica wasn’t ready for that step. She wasn’t sure if she would ever be, but they’d somehow formed a friendship for the sake of their children. 

The stricken look on her mother’s face should have made Jessica guilty as it had on countless occasions, but today was just too much. This was the first day she had some free time from her children in a while and her mother’s constant complaints had ruined it.

“Who do you think you’re talking to? In case you’ve forgotten, I’m still your mother, and I’m not afraid to backhand you into next week.”

Jessica had never spoken disrespectfully to her parents, but there came a time when one had to stand up for oneself, and this was long overdue. “Go ahead and do it if it makes you feel better. I apologize for my tone, but not for what I said.”

Marie’s bottom lip quivered and she seemed to be on the verge of tears. “I’m only concerned for the children’s safety. How can you trust that man to protect your children when he wouldn’t lift a hand to help your brother? Adding to that he’s already been in a major car accident, I’d question his driving skills if I were you. Why would you risk the children’s lives like that?”

“Mom, those comments don’t even deserve a response, but since you brought it up, I trust him with the children. He has car seats in the back of his SUV and I know he wouldn’t harm a hair on their heads. He loves them.”

“Humph. Well if you ask me, I think he’s just trying to wiggle his way into your good graces so he can get back into your pants.”

“But I didn’t ask you. Look, Mom. You know I love you very much, but if you continue to be negative, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I have a headache as it is and I can’t any more of it.”

Marie’s folded her arms over her chest. “If that’s how you want it, then I’ll leave. I never thought I would see the day when you would treat me like this. How could you side with that man? He stood by and watched my baby get murdered. My baby. My only son. I’ll never get him back. That you stand here so calmly just shows you don’t give a damn.”

The little patience Jessica had been hanging on to finally snapped. She’d had it with her mother’s chastising. “Oh, I give a damn. I know what Simon did and didn’t do, but holding it over his head every time I see him isn’t going to bring Jason back. We’ve all suffered as did he, but now I’m trying to move on with my life, and its time you did, too. The way you carry on sometimes, it’s no wonder Dad cheated on you.”

The sharp sting of her mother’s slap barely registered because Jessica regretted her words the second they came out her mouth. It was true her mother was a bit of a drama queen, but she was still her mother.  The look of horror on the other woman’s face spoke of the horror she must have felt by her action.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” Jessica muttered.

Marie shook, visibly upset. “I didn’t mean to hit you, but you had no right to say what you just did. How could you hurt me like this? Don’t you understand how difficult it’s been for me, having to see that man and knowing you laid with and produced children with him? You and your father might be willing to forgive him, but just because he didn’t lay a hand on Jason doesn’t mean he’s not complicit. How could you be so stupid as to get yourself involved with him?”