Finding Divine (25 page)

“Here, hand him to me.” She took Jason in her arms. Red-faced, the baby wailed even louder. It was a miracle he didn’t wake his sister.

“He doesn’t feel too warm. Should we call the doctor? It almost sounds like he’s in pain.”

Jessica took a seat and placed Jason on her lap face down, and bounced him on her knee. Within seconds, the baby let out an adult-sounding belch and like magic his tears subsided to sniffles.

Simon threw his head back and laughed as relief dissolved his worry. “Gas.” 

Jessica giggled. “Yeah, I recognized that look of agony my dad sometimes gets when he has heartburn. I hope this isn’t a sign that he’ll have digestion problems.”

“I hope not either. Look, he’s already fallen asleep.”

“Let me go put him back, and I’ll be back out. I think we have to talk.”

She’d taken the words out of his mouth. But her grim expression didn’t bode well for what he wanted to discuss. He paced the living room floor, anxiously waiting for her return.

When she finally reappeared, Jessica gestured to the couch. “Have a seat, Simon.”

With a gulp, he sat down only a foot away from her. He wanted to finish what they’d started earlier but knew the chance of that was slim. “Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like what you’re about to say?”

Jessica folded her hands in her lap and kept her eyes downcast. “Simon, what happened, shouldn’t have. We both got a little carried away. I was upset about something my mother said and…well, one thing led to another. It can’t happen again.”

Simon took a few calming breaths before responding so he wouldn’t blow up. He couldn’t understand why she’d deny something so beautiful. “Why? You enjoyed it as much as I did.”

“Of course I did, but just because it felt good doesn’t mean it should have happened.  There’s way too much drama for us to be anything other than friends.”

“Jessica, I love you. I want to be more than just your friend. I have no right to tell you, but I’ve been holding it in for months. I thought I could let things be after all the pain I’d caused you, but I want you to know how I feel.”

“I think our past will always stand  between us.” Her words were barely above a whisper.

So she hadn’t forgiven him after all. She’d never actually said she did. It was a foolish assumption on his end. While it hurt to know, Simon understood. “It’ll always be on your mind, won’t it?” he asked with a painfully dry throat.

Jessica shook her head and finally raised her head to lock gazes with him. “Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk about. You see, I’ve done a lot of soul- searching in these past weeks and I want you to know that I’ve forgiven you. My Dad was right, Jason wouldn’t have wanted me to hold a grudge. I’m still disappointed in how you hid your identity from me when you’d found out who I was and didn’t tell me, but I’m working on moving past that as well. If you hadn’t entered my life, I wouldn’t have those two little angels in there. I would still be denial over my brother’s death. I wouldn’t have gotten the mental health assistance I’ve needed for a very long time. And I would have never known love. What we shared was real, at least in my heart it was, but sometimes love isn’t enough.”

Hearing Jessica admit her love gave him hope despite what she’d said. “If we love each other and share children, we should be together. What’s so hard about that?” Simon grasped her hands in his.

Jessica yanked her hands away. “No. Please listen to me.” Her eyes glistened with the sheen of unshed tears.  “We can’t be together because there are too many obstacles right now.”

“Like?”

“Neither of us is fit to be in a relationship right now. I’m still in therapy and you, you’re just as messed up as I am. Your mother has come over often to see the kids yet you haven’t allowed your father to visit. You’re still harboring a whole lot of anger and resentment toward him, which tells me you still have a lot of issues you need to work on. I used to think when people fell in love they’d both be halves to a whole that completed each other. But that’s not true. You have to already be a whole person before you enter into a fully committed relationship. Even if the past hadn’t interfered with us, something eventually would have.”

The mention of his father made Simon instantly defensive. “You don’t know what it was like, and I don’t wish to discuss it. I simply don’t care to have him in my or our children’s life.”

“See, that’s exactly what I’m getting at. You’re not even willing to talk about it. That aside, I’m having problems with my mother. She is having a hard time dealing with the fact I’ve allowed you back into my life.”

“So that’s the excuse you’re using? Your mother?”

“She’s not the only reason, but you’re conveniently forgetting the first part of what I said. If you don’t want to deal with your father, that’s on you, but it’s going to keep festering until it consumes you. Simon, please accept that I’m not ready to take that step, if ever. And if you’re completely honest with yourself, neither are you.”

The stubborn tilt of her chin told him Jessica wasn’t open for further discussion in the matter. Simon realized he had a lot of soul-searching to do.

Marie drove to Keith’s house, fuming. How dare Jessica talk to her that way? That ungrateful child!

Marie was pleased to see Keith’s car in the driveway. He was apparently pleased to see her too, because he bounded out of the house with open arms. Ever since that day he’d come to her house, they’d began to see each other socially. Recently they’d renewed the physical side of their relationship. In her mind reconciliation was on the horizon. They’d both decided not to say anything to Jessica because they wanted to see where things went first.

“Hey, baby girl. You’re looking good enough to eat today.” He smiled, pulling her into his arms.

She buried her face against his chest. He smelled so good, looked so fine, and he was all hers again. “Oh, Keith, I’m so glad you’re here. You wouldn’t believe what your daughter did to me.”

He released her and frowned. “What?”

She told him everything and when she finished it wasn’t the reaction she expected.

“Marie, you’ve done some horrible things before, but this takes the cake.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Keith looked into Marie’s lovely dark eyes. Though time had given her a handful of lines on her face and gray strands in her hair, she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever met. He couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t love this woman. She was the light in his darkness and the air he breathed, but it didn’t blind him to her faults.

When Jason died it seemed as if Marie was only concerned with her own pain. Whenever he’d tried to talk about it, or just wanted to be held or a shoulder to cry on, she’d turned him away. She’d chosen the bottle over him and Jessica. That’s when he’d decided he couldn’t handle being around her, coming home to her drunken shenanigans. He’d found excuses to stay at work longer, and when there was no more work to be done, he’d visited Jason’s gravesite to find some peace.

The cheating accusations had begun, followed by verbal abuse and the cold shoulder. It had gotten to be too much. Finally he’d decided if he was going to be accused of the crime, he might as well perpetuate it. Not that it excused his behavior.

It had only been one time, and he’d felt so guilty he’d confessed to Marie and offered to get counseling with her, but she’d refused, taking his infidelity as a personal affront. Apologizing for his indiscretion day in and out wasn’t enough, because it was constantly thrown in his face. After weeks of Marie’s violent mood swings, Keith had had enough. He’d moved out, but only in the hopes of getting back together with Marie when she was better.

When he’d been served with the divorce papers, to say he was surprised was an understatement, but by then, his wounded pride wouldn’t allow him to beg for another chance. Once the divorce was final, he’d begun dating again, but none of the women were Marie. 

He didn’t usually check Marie when she made one of her over the top statements, but hearing what she’d said to Jessica was unacceptable.

The stricken look on her face told him she didn’t understand what she’d done wrong, which further underlined his point. “What do you mean, this is the worst thing I’ve ever done?”

“You can ask that after telling our daughter you wished it had been her instead of Jason? How could you?”

She backed away from her, mouth opening and then closing again.

“Have you nothing to say?”

“I told her I didn’t mean it. She made me angry, having that boy in her house as if he had a right to be there. She knows I can’t stand his ass. Why would she have him over?”

Keith rolled his eyes heavenward. The woman was thick as a milkshake. “That boy is the father of Jessica’s children. If anything he has more right to be there than either one of us does. You say you love the babies, but don’t you think for the sake of the children you could at least bring yourself to be civil to him?”

“He killed our son! Or have you forgotten that?”

“He didn’t kill our son.  I already told you about the conversation with him. Simon is not the monster either of us imagined. He was a mixed-up kid who made a mistake. We all make mistakes. I’ve made them, and so have you.”

“But I’m not a murderer, and even if he was telling you the truth he may as well have participated because he didn’t lift a finger to help. How can you and Jessica be so stupid?”

He shook his head with frustration. It broke his heart, but it was time she heard some home truths about herself. “Marie, I’ve loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you, and I love you very much now, but right now I don’t like you very much.”

She gasped. “Keith, that’s a very horrible thing to say.” She sniffed. Tears sprang to her eyes.

He raised an eyebrow, refusing to be swayed by her emotional blackmail. “And it wasn’t horrible what you said to Jessica?”

Her bottom lip poked out mutinously. “It was said in the heat of the moment. Jessica knows I love her, although sometimes she doesn’t use the sense the good Lord gave her.”

“There you go again, putting Jessica down. I’ve turned a blind eye to it all these years to keep harmony in the household, but this is enough. And another thing, you’re always saying shit you don’t mean.”

“Don’t cuss at me! I’m not some tramp off the street!”

“But it’s okay for you to talk to everyone else any way you feel? Look, I thought we could make this work, but I don’t have the time or the strength to deal with your histrionics. I don’t know why I never saw this, but I don’t really think you were upset about Jason’s dying as much as you let on. You were probably more upset because the attention wasn’t solely focused on you any longer.”

Keith didn’t see her hand move, but he certainly felt the ache of her slap on his cheek. “How dare you say that to me! That is the worst thing anyone could ever say to another person.”

“But I didn’t mean it,” he said in a mimicking tone. “It was said in the heat of the moment. Isn’t that your justification for what you said to Jessica?”

Her jaw dropped before dark eyes narrowed to stormy slits. “It’s not the same and you know it.”

Keith shrugged. “Do I? Why is it different? Because the first comment wasn’t made to you? Your selfishness is legendary, but enough is enough.”

Marie’s nostrils flared. “I don’t have to stand here and listen to this. I came over here for a little support, but I see you’re on their side.”

As she moved to walk past him, Keith grabbed her arm. “Oh, no you don’t. It’s time you heard some home truths about yourself, and I’ll be damned if you walk away before I’m finished.”

She tried to snatch her arm away. “You’re hurting me.” Tears swam in her eyes, but he’d fallen victim to those crocodile tears too many times to know when he’d been had.

“Cut the bull, Marie. I know my own strength and I’m hardly hurting you. For once in your selfish life, think of someone other than yourself. Jessica is our baby girl. Jason was her twin. We were his parents, that’s true, but the bond between twins is special. The pain and suffering she’d gone through was pushed to the back burner because you wanted to create drama.”

“But--”

“Shut up! If you weren’t so wrapped up in Marie World, we could have gotten the help for Jessica when she needed it instead of her breaking down the way she did, but the only thing you could see was what I’d done to you and how Jason’s death only affected you! I hurt too, dammit! You have no idea how many nights I went to bed crying myself to sleep because you were lost in the bottle. You made his death about you and your pain, and forgot about Jessica and me.”

“I do love you and Jessica.”

“But not half as much as you love yourself. You need help, Marie, and to realize the world doesn’t revolve around you. God knows I’ve tried to give in to all your wants, but the more I gave the more you took. Jessica has bent over backward trying to please you. There have been times when you’ve made offhand comments and hurt her, but you were too self-absorbed to notice. Yet she still loves you. I won’t allow you to do that to her anymore. I’m done with the aggravation, but if you don’t shape up, you’re going to lose Jessica and her children too, and you know what? You’re going to end up a bitter old woman by herself.”